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They’re huddled over the Map that night when it happens. Remus is sitting next to Sirius, close enough that their thighs touch. James and Peter sit across them, the Map spread between them. They’ve done all the spells and all the theoretical testing, it’s good to go, but like any other group of young intellectual teenagers, they want to witness their project in all its completion before they put it to any use.
They’re poring over the names as they move when James notices something out of the blue.
“Who’s Jasmine Gremdor? I didn’t know anyone by that name went here,” he says.
Remus notices Sirius shift a little, in a way that’s barely noticeable unless you’re looking out for it, or, as Remus is, unless you’re sitting very close to him.
Peter squints at the map. “There’s only one Gremdor I know. Ravenclaw, studying Muggle Studies with me. Sure Jasmine isn’t the name, though. I thought he was a bloke.”
“Well,” Remus interjects. “The Map never lies. Gremdor can’t possibly be a bloke.”
“What do you think it means, then, Moony?” James asks. James always asks Remus the questions he doesn’t know how to answer. Remus usually finds it flattering.
“Gremdor’s probably transgender,” Remus says softly. “And it’s clearly a secret if we don’t know about it, so we shouldn’t blab. It would be a very Snivelly thing to tell people before Jasmine’s ready for them to know.”
Sirius nods. “Sounds about right to me,” he says. His voice sounds normal, but Remus can tell from his posture that he’s tense.
“Wait, no, I don’t get it,” James says. “If they aren’t a bloke, wouldn’t the Hogwarts letters come addressed to Jasmine? Wouldn’t they introduce themselves as that from the start?”
“Gender isn’t that easy, James,” Remus says patiently. “Maybe it took them years to figure themselves out. Maybe their identity is fluid. Anyway, it’s none of our business, and it’s probably not an easy process for them, so we should give them space, yeah?”
“Yeah, of course,” James says, and Peter and Sirius nod.
They’re all silent for a moment, until Sirius says, as if he can’t hold it in any longer, “How do you know, Moons? Are you trans?”
“Padfoot,” James says, appalled. “You can’t just ask someone that. You heard Remus, it’s something that people struggle with for ages. If he’s trans, he’ll tell us in his own time, and it’s not your business.”
Remus notices the look that flickers on Sirius’s face for a brief instant. It feels familiar to Remus; probably mirroring the look he’d tried to hide in First Year when Sirius had casually said to him in Defence class, “How do you know werewolves fear that? Have you met one or something?” It’s a look of indignation but also of anxiety and secrecy. It’s a look that speaks of unsaid agony and hidden empathy. Remus thinks he knows exactly what it means.
“James, it’s fine,” he says. “I don’t mind Sirius asking.”
He pauses, turns his head to face Sirius and gives him a small smile.
“I’m not transgender, but for a while in my childhood, it seemed like I was. I just didn’t feel like a boy at all and everything about being me felt wrong. My Mum did some research on gender. Dad couldn’t be arsed. Anyway, that’s not important right now. Later on, Mum and I realised it wasn’t a gender thing, but a lycanthropy thing. The reason I didn’t feel like a normal boy is because I wasn’t a normal boy; there was this entire other identity inside me, and it fucked up how I felt about other parts of myself.” Remus looks at the group around him. “Does that make sense?”
James has a look on his face that’s somehow sympathetic and proud all at once, and Peter looks like he understands. The look on Sirius’s face is more unreadable, so Remus throws caution to the winds and goes on.
“I would never compare the two. Lycanthropy is a disease; an affliction. Being transgender isn’t like that, I know. It’s just something that happens. But I think on some primal level, I can empathise. I know what it’s like living in a body that isn’t your own, or doesn’t feel like it always. I know what it’s like to fear rejection over your identity. I know what it’s like to want to keep a certain part of you hidden away. I know what it’s like to have people look at you and see something you’re not, or see only a part of what you are.”
Remus stops, suddenly aware that his hands are shaking a little. He didn’t intend to make himself so vulnerable, but it doesn’t matter. He trusts these boys, and besides, something about Sirius’s behaviour seems off and he needs to help him, so he does it in the only way a Marauder knows – gentle conjecture and subtle probing.
“That sucks arse,” James says, breaking Remus’s train of thought. “The whole oppression thing. People should just let other people be.”
“Yeah,” Remus agrees. “It fucks you over a lot.”
Sirius seems to come back to himself a little, taking Remus’s hands in his own.
“It doesn’t change anything,” Peter says. “I mean, it wouldn’t for me, if I found out someone was trans. I’d still be their friend or whatever.”
“Mate, that goes without saying,” James says, passionate enough to sound outraged.“A friend is a friend no matter what. Lycanthropy, gender issues, hell, you could be queer and nursing a big crush on me and I wouldn’t fucking care. People can’t control the cards they’re dealt.”
Sirius nods. “Yes to all that,” he says softly. “So, what now?”
“We should solemnly swear to keep all secrets the Map shows us,” James says. “We’re using it for pranks, not for bullying. We’re not Slytherins, looking for ways to hit below the belt.”
Sirius nods.
“Let’s shake on it,” Remus says. And so they do.
Later on, once the lights are out, someone opens Remus’s bed-curtains, and Sirius slides in.
“Hi,” he whispers.
Remus sits up. “Hi yourself,” he says.
Sirius leans against him. “Moony, you’re so clever, you figured it out, didn’t you?”
Remus hums. He doesn’t need to clarify what Sirius is talking about.
“How did you know?” Sirius sounds inquisitive, and possibly a little afraid.
Remus takes one of his hands and holds it.
There had been many clues, certainly. Sirius’s perpetual visits to the Hospital Wing that never lasted long, during which he always came back with pockets fuller than usual. Most of his Slytherin cousins screaming feminine things at him – and that made Remus feel sick, realising that they’d been intentionally misgendering him. Maybe even just the way Padfoot smelt to Moony, though he’d chalked that down to Moony’s excitement and confusion. There were hints everywhere, though none of them had actively been looking for them.
“The way you responded to Gremdor,” Remus says softly. “The whole thing seemed to get under your skin. And then when James gave you that mini-lecture on not asking me about my identity, your face looked like someone had pulled the rug out from under your feet.”
Sirius just sighs in response.
“Hey, it’s okay, you know that,” Remus says, feeling bold enough to kiss Sirius’s forehead. “This isn’t going to change how we see you, at least not negatively. I can’t even imagine what you have to deal with at home and I’m proud of you for staying true to yourself. My knowing about it doesn’t change anything. You’re still our very own Sirius Black, our Padfoot.”
Sirius moves a little, pressing his face into Remus’s neck. Remus tries to suppress a shiver.
“I love you,” Sirius murmurs, and then seems to realise what he’s just said. “Sorry, but it’s true.”
Remus laughs softly, letting his hands wrap around Sirius. In the dark, in the safe space they seem to have found where he can pretend that the two of them are the only people in the world, it’s easy for him to be completely honest.
“I love you too, Sirius. Can’t say I anticipated this turning out the way it did.”
“I wanted to ask,” Sirius says hesitantly. “I mean, I wanted you to be my boyfriend, but I felt like we’d need to talk about the gender thing first, and I wasn’t ready. I’ve seen how you look at me and I didn’t want to risk you looking at me differently.”
“As if I could ever stop looking at you like that,” Remus says. “As if you’d ever mean anything different to me than what you mean to me now. Can I kiss you?”
“Merlin, yes,” Sirius says. “Kiss me now, and then tomorrow, kiss me in the daylight on James’s bed. I need revenge for all the pink envelopes he made Padfoot lick.”
Remus smiles. “You know I will,” he says. And then he does.