Chapter Text
Always the one seeking. Always the one initiating. Lance kept going with the inertia of his own natural inclinations to socialize; to find reciprocation. "I know they care. I know they like me at least a little." He murmured to himself as he flopped down onto the couch, closing his eyes against the harsh white sterile walls of the castle. A chill lingered in the air. "They're.. just busy."
So for once, he decided he'd wait. He'd chased and chased, aching to fill the void of loneliness and social seclusion. There was only so much he could do without coming across as annoying. "If they want me.. they'll come to me. Kinda sick of getting made fun of every time I get in their way, anyway." Lance allowed himself to be okay with that. In fact, he felt lighter without the frenzy of needing to seek out attention prodding at his mind and nerves. No chasing geese, so to speak. It was almost liberating to take the control from his hands. He smirked to himself, cracking his knuckles and laying his hands behind his head. "Yup. The hunter is now the.. uh.. not hunter." He chuckled to himself, and began to wait.
At first, the solitude was just that; solitude. The quiet hum of the ship around him lulled his senses to be softer, calmer. "This might not be so bad."
Hours passed.
Lance grabbed himself a cup of cold milk and some strange biscuits Hunk had made, and got himself comfortable again in the common room. He chewed mindlessly while fixing a loose thread in his jacket now draped over his lap. He busied himself by doing stretches and some sort of self taught yoga on the floor. But hours being hours, eventually the loneliness settled in again. At some point he felt like even just the mice as company would be good enough, even though he couldn't communicate with them.
Night came, and he decided to try this again in the morning.
Lance felt his eyes burn dryly behind his lids as he waited for sleep to claim him. The gnawing ache in his chest was difficult to ignore, but he tried to reason with himself. "They can't make time for you all the time. They love you. Heck, who wouldn't wanna be my friend? I'm awesome..." His voice came out a little more hollow than he would have liked.
The next day, it felt like he was living on an abandoned ship. While he did see the others in passing, no one sought him out on their own. "Hey, Hunk." He waved cheerfully as he passed him in the kitchen, the bigger man giving Lance a cheery grin as he waved a hand. "Hey bud! Sleep well? Gotta run. Pidge and I are-" At this Hunk mentioned something something flux-capacitor nanobyte vlog something or other. Lance wasn't sure. But before his mind could properly unfold the words, Hunk was out the door.
Important castle stuff. That's ok. The interaction had been barely a morsel of the social energy he needed, but all for the greater good, right? Hunk wasn't just his friend. He was allowed other friends. Hunk and Pidge were so alike, after all. Meanwhile Lance was just...
Another day went by. A day spent training on his own or half heartedly playing the video game him and Pidge got. The memory of them excitedly gathering coins for it didn't bring him the joy it used to. It was a bitter recollection now, since she simply wasn't here right now... He sighed and shut off the game. He shook his head and fell back against his bed. "Jeez Louise, those nerds don't know what they're missing. Who cares about all the tech junk. What about dodgeball or gossip or something actually fun!" He was getting kind of angry at them. As much as he kept trying to reason out why they didn't look for his company, the feeling of abandonment was starting to curdle in his gut. "Getting bitter now, lance? Jeez, way to be petty." He grumbled to himself.
A day later, they were called to battle. Lance felt a cheap thrill working with his team mates as they called moves and battle strategies. He felt like all was well again as they came back to the castle. With a smile that came from the heart, Lance trotted down from his lion and out of the hangar. But everyone was separated again. Allura gave him a soft smile as he checked the bridge. "Um.. where's Corran?" Lance asked with a slight waver in his voice. "Oh, I believe he's adjusting the lenses in the teleduv." She then turned back to her task, and Lance felt dismissed.
His heart slipped farther in his chest as he walked back to his room. Wasn't this sort of interaction with his team just.. superficial? If they only ever needed him to pilot Red.. or as an extra pair of hands now and then..
Didn't.. anyone like him as a friend anymore?
"I'm being childish." He scolded himself as he slumped against his door. "It's fine." He said again, hating how his throat closed and his eyes began to feel hot and wet. "No.. no it's okay. It's fine. They don't.." He choked on a sob he didn't wish to voice. He wouldn't fall to tears. "They don't owe me their friendship. I get it I'm.. annoying. And unhelpful.. Too forward.. Stupid.." He felt like he was less. Less. Worth less than the others. Less equal. Lacking in any values or character that anyone wished to seek out. He felt invisible, as if he simply didn't exist on their radar, or even in this universe.
They don't miss me? Hours, days go by. Don't they think of me? And no one seeks him out. Not as an equal. Not as a friend.
"This is jus how it is in war," he rationalizes through shuddering breathing as his stomach curls and he slides to the floor. "Just get used to it. It makes sense but I just..I'm just so..." He buried his face in his hands as tears soaked his reddened cheeks.
I'm just so lonely.
He tried not cry aloud, even though it would probably make him feel better. But the ache and the hurt were tearing him open inside, the heavy weight of his feelings sinking in his gut, a weight of the dark world seeming to crash over his shoulders. Alone. Isolated. Invisible. Just a tool for a greater good. A lackluster soldier. An acquaintance.
He hiccupped, feeling like maybe he had this under control for a moment. He looked up. The halls were empty. No one there. It's what he'd hoped for of course. No one to witness his pathetic whining. But.. maybe he had hoped someone would hear. Had hoped someone would save him. Wide eyes stared helplessly down the silent hallways.
Hope shattered in his eyes, and the intense feeling of being hopelessly insignificant to the people he cared about broke his heart.
Lance slumped to the floor, the cold hard surface barely felt even against hot and stinging cheeks. It was odd. He couldn't feel anything even though he knew his feelings were hurt. Maybe this was for the best.