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Mihashi… this guy is a nervous wreck. And that isn’t an exaggeration; Mihashi trembles when someone speaks to him, his hands are always clammy, and it barely takes anything to make him cry. Of course, Abe knows why he ended up this way (his junior high baseball teammates bullied him, shattering his self esteem), but it never fails to hurt him when his pitcher shakes and bursts into tears over nothing.
Sometimes, he wonders why Mihashi can’t get over his past. But then Abe remembers, and the cold shiver that runs through him tells him he’s a huge hypocrite for thinking that. Because he knows better than most people that when something messes with your brain, you can’t forget it, no matter how hard you try.
---
Abe flickers his fingers, sending Mihashi a signal.
Curve ball, inside.
Mihashi nods in understanding, and begins his windup. He throws the ball and it soars through the air… past the bat and straight into Abe’s mit.
“Strike!”
A nervous grin breaks across Mihashi’s face, and he blushes when he sees Abe smiling back. For a nervous wreck, Mihashi smiles a lot when Abe is around.
---
Abe hates the boys’ bathroom, especially small ones. He can’t even go inside if the light has been switched off. He just… can’t.
He tries not to think about it, but sometimes he has no choice. One day, he stands at a urinal in the bathroom that leads off of the locker room, still trying to catch his breath after the workout Coach put them through. Abe’s mind is full of memories of their practise session, of how well Mihashi pitched for him… at least, until the lights go out.
A gasp escapes his throat before he can stop it, and Abe hunches forwards. His heart pounds inside him and he scrabbles to finish pissing, needing to get out of here. Abe lurches over to the basin and washes his hands, not daring to look at the mirror just in case his reflection appears.
He has to get out of here. It can’t happen.
Abe stumbles out of the bathroom and back into the locker room, where the lights are also out. Just like in the bathroom, light comes through the windows, but the room just looks dingy and dark.
“It’s a power cut, Abe,” Mihashi says, darting over with his shirt still off. “Wait, are you all right?”
Abe flinches, trying to smooth all anxiety from his face. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
He manages to make it all the way home before breaking down.
---
After another study session at Mihashi’s house, Abe is the last to leave. He walks through the front yard, only to freeze when Mihashi calls his name.
“Yeah?”
Turning around, he sees a blush patterning Mihashi’s face. “Can… I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure,” he says, wandering back towards the front door. “What is it?”
“Um… I’m autistic.”
Abe stares at him, tilting his head. “Wait, what?”
“I, I was diagnosed when I was seven, but I never tell anyone in case they pick on me. But… I, I trust you, Abe. I’ve also got anxiety, but, well, you already know that, so…” He blushes redder than ever, wringing his hands. “Yeah. Is that… okay?”
“Of course it is,” Abe says. When Mihashi’s eyes widen, he adds, “What were you expecting me to say?”
“I don’t know, really,” Mihashi mumbles. “I didn’t think you’d hate me, but part of me always worries people will abandon me.”
“What kind of person would I be to abuse you for being autistic? And I don’t want a new pitcher before you say that. As far as I’m concerned, nothing’s changed. Okay?”
Mihashi grins, tears in his eyes. “Thank you.”
---
Mihashi curls up in the back of the dugout, tears streaming down his cheeks. He rocks himself back and forth, desperately trying to control his breathing. He is up to bat soon; he can’t have a panic attack. But, yet, he can’t seem to calm down.
A yell tells him Abe has been caught out, and his catcher returns to the dugout. The moment he spots Mihashi, he sighs – but comes over.
“What’s the matter, Mihashi?” he says.
Mihashi sniffs and scrubs at his face with the back of his hand. “I d-don’t know. I just got… overwhelmed.”
Abe sits down beside him, and holds out his hand. Used to holding his catcher’s hand by now, Mihashi clasps it, Abe’s hand warm against his clammy palm.
“Try to focus on your breathing,” Abe says. “We don’t want a panic attack.”
“No, we don’t,” he mumbles, sniffing again. “Thanks, Abe.”
Abe shrugs. “It’s nothing.”
---
Mihashi always blushes around him. Of course, Mihashi blushes around everyone out of nerves, but it seems different when he’s with Abe. He seems genuinely relaxed in his company, but yet he still blushes. Why?
After practise, he and Mihashi are the last ones in the locker room. Mihashi slips on his shoes, and then approaches Abe, wringing his hands. Despite this being a locker room and not a bathroom, Abe tenses up, and only calms when he confirms it really is Mihashi, the safe, harmless Mihashi.
“Um, Abe?” he stammers.
“Yeah?”
“Can we t-talk about something?”
“Why not?”
Mihashi smiles and sits down beside him, blushing again. “Uh, I… I was wondering…” His face is crimson, his forehead shining with sweat. “The thing is, I r-really like you, and you’re such a good catcher, and, and… would you like to g-go on a date with me?”
Abe stares at him, eyes widening as he processes those words. Did Mihashi just… ask him out?
Mihashi gets to his feet and stumbles away, tears sparkling in his eyes. “Sorry, that was t-too blunt. I mean, you’re probably straight and just because we work well together on the pitch doesn’t mean anything I – I’m sorry!”
And before Abe has a chance to say anything, he darts from the locker room.
---
After the awkward ‘asking him on a date thing’, Mihashi has avoided Abe. And Abe… he doesn’t know what to do.
When he thinks about kissing Mihashi, a smile does flicker on his face (at least until images of being shoved up against the bathroom wall appear in his mind), but he doesn’t know how to process this.
Abe doesn’t really get crushes on people, but the thought of dating Mihashi isn’t horrific or anything. It’s just… he’s never dated anyone before. And for his first date to be a guy… it’s so confusing.
But whatever he chooses, he has to stop Mihashi skulking around. They need to focus on baseball and not pointless relationship woes.
---
When Mom yells up the stairs that he has a visitor, Mihashi nearly throws up. Since when do people visit him?
Still, he heads downstairs and into the hallway – and stares.
Abe stands by his mom, an awkward expression on his face. Abe, the boy he asked on a date three days ago and has since been too scared to speak to. But he can’t run away, not with Mom here.
“Abe?” he says. “Wh-What are you doing here?”
Abe smiles weakly. “I just wanted to ask about some school stuff.”
That’s an obvious lie (Abe is far better at school work than Mihashi ever will be), but he doesn’t call it out. His hands shake and his face burns, but he says, “O-Okay. Want to come to my room?”
Abe nods, and follows him up to his bedroom. And then they’re alone, him and the boy he has a crush on.
“Look, about the other day, you don’t need to avoid me,” Abe says. “Whether I wanna date you or not, I won’t beat you up or stop being your catcher or anything like that. Just… stop running away from me.”
Mihashi nods, but he can’t stop blushing. “S-Sorry.”
“And don’t apologise either. Just…” Abe sighs. “Just listen.”
He stares at Abe, taking a step backwards and studying him. “O-Okay.”
Abe sighs again and sits down, staring down at the floor. “I’ve never dated anyone before. I’ve had a few crushes, but I don’t date.”
“O-Oh. Is there a… reason why?”
“Well, the main thing is I’m asexual so I don’t like anyone… that way,” Abe says, a blush starting to taint his cheeks. “And… well, anyway. I’m just not very good on this entire topic.”
Why is Abe telling him all of this?”
“O-Okay.”
“I guess what I’m trying to say is… I’d like to try going on a date with you, but don’t expect a lot.”
Mihashi’s eyes widen and he gasps. “What? A-Abe, I… do, do you mean it?”
Abe still doesn’t look at him, but he nods. “I do.”
“So… you’re my boyfriend?”
“I guess so.”
And as Mihashi quivers with excitement, he spots a smile on Abe’s face.
---
He has been dating Abe for two weeks, but they haven’t kissed yet. Mihashi knows he’d probably be a terrible kisser, but it would still be nice to try. So when he and Abe sit together and study in his bedroom, Mihashi says, “Abe… c-can I kiss you?”
When Abe looks up at him, anxiety shoots through Mihashi and he scrabbles away.
“S-Sorry, that was too forwards, I mean, I mean…” His breathing gets faster and faster, and Mihashi wraps his arms around himself. “Sorry, it was just a suggestion please don’t get mad please—”
“Shut up, Mihashi,” Abe says, cutting him off.
His eyes too wide, Mihashi stares at his boyfriend. He tries to calm his breathing, to stop being so pathetic.
Abe gets up and approaches him, and Mihashi resisting the urge to flinch.
“Calm down,” Abe says. “Just… calm down. I… I wouldn’t mind kissing you. Except, I’ve never kissed anyone before...”
“Oh, me neither!” he says.
“…Consensually,” Abe finishes, bowing his head.
“Huh?” What does Abe mean? How can you have kissed but not… oh. “Oh, Abe, I-I’m sorry.”
“Nothing to do with you, dork. Just… someone kissed me once, but I d-didn’t want it to happen.”
Mihashi just stares, willing himself not to cry. “So… are you scared to kiss now?”
“I’m not scared!” Abe snaps, and then he sighs. “Sorry. Just… I’m not scared. Just… apprehensive. Get it?”
“I th-think so. If you want to talk about this at any point, I, I promise to listen,” Mihashi says.
Abe sighs again, but he sees a ghost of a smile on his face. “Thanks.”
---
Once again, he sits beside Mihashi as they try to study. They’ve been dating for three weeks, and still haven’t kissed. And he really does want to kiss Mihashi; he’s just concerned it might cause a…
“Mihashi, I know I haven’t kissed you yet, but don’t think that means I don’t want to be with you. I like you, don’t forget that,” he says.
Mihashi blinks. “I… I didn’t think that. I get it. We don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. But, just so you know, not being kissed doesn’t mean I want to dump you or anything. I want you. Only you. I don’t want to leave you just because we’re not kissing. I… I really like you, Abe,” he says, blushing.
Abe finds his cheeks heating up, and he shakes his head. “You’re a dork. But thanks, really. The thing is, I’m worried kissing might… no, the thing is… I think if I tell you more about the kissing thing, then we can both work together to make sure us kissing doesn’t set me off in any way.”
“Well, if you’re sure. I don’t w-want to upset you.”
He’s upset regardless, so it makes no difference to him. “It’s fine. Look, you know the whole thing with H-Haruna?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, you know that bit of my story when I pinned him to the bathroom wall, pissed off with him? A-After that, he overpowered me and spun us around so I was against the wall.” His heart rate increases, palms clammy, but he doesn’t stop. “He yelled about how much stronger he was than me and… and he kissed me so hard I banged my head against the wall.” Abe screws his eyes up, hands trembling. “He, he kicked me in the balls and pushed me to the floor and yanked my pants down my legs and—”
“Stop! Just stop!” Mihashi says, tears running down his face. “I get it. Don’t make yourself feel any worse. I understand. I-I… shit, Abe, I’m so sorry.”
Abe flinches, wrapping his arms around himself. “Stop saying sorry. This is my baggage, not yours. Just… do you understand?”
Mihashi sniffs. “I-I understand.”
---
Two months into their relationship, they share their first kiss. It’s clumsy and awkward and both of them tremble with anxiety, but nothing happens. It’s just a kiss.
When they pull apart, Mihashi wraps his arms around Abe and whispers, “Thank you.”
Trying not to cry, Abe says, “Thanks.”
---
When Abe returns to the dugout having just scored a run, Mihashi jumps to his feet, darts forwards and flings his arms around his boyfriend. They both smile, and Abe gives him a soft kiss.
He loves life right now, and he loves Abe.