Work Text:
Staring into the dark always helped her think, there was nothing what could distract her. She often laid in the bed for hours, feeling relaxed, but her brain was still working, trying to fix problems, trying to figure out the best solution. It was her most productive time of the day actually, when she was at her peace and able to think about the more serious questions.
Even if she didn’t really do anything else, a warm hand on her bare back, signalled Jacob was awake next to her and tried to get her attention back to the present. “You think too loudly.”, he often said with a smile, then added she needed a proper sleep, pulled her back to him and they talked about small things, sweet nothings, until she drifted off to the world of dreams – which happened pretty quickly, she noticed; his warmth and voice always slowed her racing mind down, made her more calm and felt safe.
When she lost her father a lot changed around her and Lara needed to grow up a little bit faster than other kids. Had no idea when was the last time when someone else looked after her – of course there were Winston and Ana and Alex and Sam for a while, but it… just wasn’t the same. She could share some of her problems with them and she wasn’t alone, Lara knew that – she could be much-much lonelier and knew how lucky she was, but deep down she always felt alone.
Of course, Lara had friends and lovers before as well, but it often felt she was sharing her mind and body for a limited time and with boundaries. Never really shared her whole personality, only some parts of it, only what made her acceptable for others – always showed her better side and never her complexity. But this time was different – for many reasons.
The first period after that talking among the buildings was a bit… alien to her. It was a very new experience, something she never really faced with before. What was before? Her short lived relationships and even shorter one night stands were about different things: either way, she tried to make herself being liked by the other one or they only chased a moment of relief and fun away from the problems of the world around them. Her partners usually weren’t really interested in her, not truly. That wasn’t a problem for her, well for the one night adventures, it was simple, clear, no expectations, but had a good fuck in exchange. For the relationships, Lara rather avoided them. What’s the point if she doesn’t meet to the expectations? Rather walked on her own path alone.
But Jacob was… different. He was simple and Lara never felt any ill meaning behind his moves toward her. He didn’t try to amuse her or win her over. He just wanted to let things happen when they had to happen without any pushing and she liked that.
How she could forget that when she was angry at him that night?
Interesting, but despite him being older than her, Jacob was surprisingly timid, careful and even unsure when it came to the two of them. Even after he kissed her once, - he never stepped over any boundaries that time either – he didn’t try to kiss her again right after it. Didn’t even start to touch her right away. Still, his bright smile he gave to her, the warm looks, the worry whenever she headed out, it all signed he was serious that day and ever since, but needed some time to open up.
It was totally new to her, someone who didn’t make a move right at the spot and tried his best to take her to his bed – and these small moments meant everything for her. Some peace and love, a breath of fresh air in the endless line of craziness, blood and screams. Like a safe place to rest on the hunt. A warm fire to warm up next to it, before she was heading out once again. He didn’t try to tie her to himself. Even if he was a leader and had more life experiences, she felt like he didn’t try to dominate her, but he didn’t treat her as his equal either. He followed her lead. She was the one who dictated where they will head and how fast or slow, he was willing to follow her and always respected her choices. And yet, when she was unsure, he gave her a little push, when she wanted to rush into things, he held her back a bit and made her think first, when she needed support, he was there.
Lara didn’t really know what she gave to him in exchange. What she could offer to him? Loved to spend her time with him, was willing to hear him, asking questions from him, but never pushed him for more, when she saw he wasn’t willing to share yet. They acted like they had every time of the world, when they didn’t, not really. But they made time for themselves, stole it if they needed to.
She missed that time, when they silently sat in a cave watching the fire, leaning against him and he hugged her closer or simply pulled her into his lap and be around her, hiding her from the world. That was simple, no complications, she knew she was at the best place she could be, hoping he will stay at her side, whatever comes after them. It seemed easier to deal with the harsh reality with him in her life than alone, like she did before.
Felt like it happened ages ago.
-
When everything went silent in the Chamber of Souls and they were in safe and almost alone Lara was still at the edge of losing another part of her. She didn’t know she still left something to lose, but she definitely had, feeling the cold fear of this part of hers will be ripped out of her, leaving her in more pain than before, making her more ruined and longing than before.
‘Could I do something differently?’
No matter how hard she tried, couldn’t find the answer to that question. Should she listen to Jacob, leaving the Divine Source behind, giving her mission up, accepting she came here for a reason, but found something else instead? Something what was much more precious to her – but realizing that way too late?
‘Could I save him?’
Was she cursed to lose everyone who was important to her? To feel this pain that almost paralyzed her, made her more broken, reaching a point when Lara doubted she will ever be whole again? Being left like scattered pieces on the floor, shattered and alone with her painful memories, knowing what she had and what she lost?
‘If I don’t freak out when he revealed who he was, if I react differently could we find another solution?’
The same questions all the time. Could she do better? It felt like she should do better. And still made the same mistakes over and over again.
‘When will I learn?’
Her first instinct was screaming for help, but who would come? Who would hear her? All she could do to press her hands on his wounds, watching how his blood painted her hands to vivid red and beg to not give up just yet.
It was totally useless, she knew. If some miracle won’t happen, Jacob will bleed to death. The fear ate itself into her deeply, cold and cruel, forcing her to sit and watch how he slowly fades away.
She had some foggy memories from before, about Yamatai. When she only started her journey to become the woman who she now was, when she had to make difficult choices for the first time it was so… shocking, such a trial her brain was unable to remember back to the moment correctly. It was blurry and unstable, Lara couldn’t tell when the memory started or when it ended, she couldn’t grasp it, only had strong feelings than vivid pictures of it.
This time was just the same. She couldn’t really tell what happened exactly. Had fragments about Sofia and the other Remnants, but she mostly remembers to the fear and the almost physical pain, the urge to scream, thinking about the worst will happen and how much things she regrets; things she did or said or the opposite: things she never said to him, never asked from him, never thought about the future with him. She should, but she didn’t and now those moments were gone forever.
The clearest thing she could remember was the hard ground, the cold and wet feeling of the snow under her knees, making the fabric of her trousers wet and muddy, her hands were frozen, her skin red and choppy, because she sank them in a pile of fresh, pure white snow, rubbing them furiously together to get rid of the half dried blood on them, watching how the snow turned to pink and her hands being numb from the cold. If only she could be numb as well, then she couldn’t feel this pain, what made her sob and scream, wishing for it to be over already. Lara didn’t want to face with this pain. Not again. Not for a third time. She wouldn’t survive that. ‘Please, not again.’
Someone took care of her, got her up from the ground and led her away, back into the village to her temporary hut what she never really used – if she was in the village she spent the nights with Jacob mostly. For some reason her brain gave her some hints it was Sofia, who gently talked to her and told her everything will be all right. Lara wanted to tell her to stop lying.
She was left alone to rest, because she needed it, they told her. But being alone meant she was defenceless against her thoughts and memories; all she could think about was what she fucked up; the night when she realized who Jacob was and how she reacted to that, the things she said to him. The pain in his eyes, how he silently begged for her to try to understand it, how he tried to explain it, but she didn’t give him a chance, because she was too hurt and too proud for it. Because she felt betrayed, but was she really?
She was just a stupid, stupid girl, making bad decisions all the time.
Lara waited but had no idea what she was waiting for. Tried to think about the future, but her brain jammed then shut down completely, unable to make it work. Jonah quickly joined at her side, feeling much better now and seeing how bad shape she was in – honestly, Lara only had a guess about her shape, but seeing her friend gasp and trying to hide his shock (with small success) the young woman had a guess she is not as fine as she thought she is. He tried to herd her toward some kind of goal, some kind of ‘next move’ – Lara always had a next move, always had a plan B, tried to keep on the move, but this time? She had no idea. Wasn’t sure what she should do now; unable to make a simple decision or find any motivation to get up and push forward. Maybe she should just give up? If she forgets everything the pain will go away as well?
What she was waiting for? Punishment? Judgement? Someone to tell her what will happen now? Sofia, to banish her? Sometimes Lara heard her voice outside of her hut – she talked with Jonah in a low voice, asking him how Lara was. The redhead wasn’t blind neither dumb, Lara knew. It wasn’t long after Jacob’s and her talk when Sofia simply stated, the Brit looks happier. Lara looked at her surprised, blinked, not really catching what she was talking about.
“He looks happier too.”, Sofia added and left her there a bit shocked and wondering.
And now, after messing everything up, leaving tons of dead bodies behind her, Trinity soldiers and Remnant villagers included, making Jacob fatally wounded and took away his immortality, the female leader still considered her as a friend and asked after her wellbeing.
‘I did this to your father, to your people, to you, why are you this understanding with me?’
Lara felt like she didn’t deserve any sympathy or comforting.
Jonah always asked Sofia how Jacob was, but she always answered the same thing: he was still unconscious, but alive. Sofia didn’t want people to go and disturb him with constant visits, so she kept her father separated and that was the most she could do. Told Jonah they managed to get the bullets out, but this was no hospital, they were no doctors; this was the wilderness and had its own rules; survive or die. Being far away from civilization was a real curse this time – even if someone would head out to find a proper city with a proper doctor and convince him to come back here Jacob would be already dead by that time. Or being better. This didn’t mean Lara didn’t think about it before, it would keep her occupied, but even she needed to admit it would be pointless. All they could do was waiting and hoping.
-
‘How I could grow close to someone under the limited time we had together?’
She knew she shouldn’t do this to herself, but had plenty of time to think and it was always easier to do so when darkness was around her, nothing distracted her from her thoughts. This time there was no warm touch on her bare skin, no gentle smile, no warm, deep voice to tease her for overthinking things. She was free to replay every moment they shared, every word they said to each other, every mistakes they committed, over and over again, not letting her sleep.
‘Mom and dad were the same?’
God, if only she could ask her mother. She would ask what to do now, what she did when met with Richard Croft, when she had to make tough decisions, when her family was against her relationship with one of the Crofts. Her mother was strong enough to make her own choice and chose to be with the man she loved, married him and they had her. If only she could inherit of some of this kind of strength. Dealing with deathly challenges and enemies who want to kill her seemed to be much easier than dealing with emotions – Lara knew she was pretty good with the first one, but she was strongly handicapped with the latter. She was like her father in that question, brave enough to face any kind of danger, but scared to death when it was about love, anything stronger than a friendship. Not like being her friend wasn’t challenging enough. Maybe her past formed her to be like this, but probably she always had something from it in her. To be this… awkward around people and find it difficult to open up to them, but capable of tolerate and deal with horrible things; things what would break most of the people around her. She was a survivor not an entertainer.
Sleep didn’t come to her that night and the Sun was finally rising above the horizon – it was a very long night. Keep tossing and trying to make herself relax, she considered her options; could slip into her warm outer layers to get up, but Lara was too lazy for that, even if a quick walk in the forest was pretty tempting – maybe a small hunting trip could help her clean her head and be away from everything, feeling like she was the only human being in this world and fresh meat was always welcomed here. She could finally do something.
Making a decision finally, sat up to put her boots on when familiar noise hit her ear: someone was running through the village. Curious, she stood up to walk to the door and poke out what happened – should she grab her pistol, just in case? Yeah, that never hurt anyone; well, except the intruder – when a female figure with red hair and intense green eyes almost literally exploded into her personal space, panting heavily, excitement in her eyes.
She didn’t waste any time to say hi. “Come with me.” It sounded almost like an order. “He is awake.”