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Duke liked the family he found himself in, even if he didn't understand it.
It was never boring, for sure. There was always something going on, always some fire to put out, some interpersonal drama to watch. And, a very strong sense of ride or die between everyone. Which quickly included Duke as well.
The Batfamily were incredibly devoted to each other, and Bruce's children all lived under the same hectic roof. Except for one, Cassandra.
Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian all lived at the manor with Bruce and Alfred, and when Duke was engulfed into the weird family dynamic he was offered a room there too. He understood that Steph and Babs were part of the Batfamily, but they weren't considered one of Bruce's kids. But Cass was adopted, and she didn't stay there. If she visited, she always left at the end of the night.
It made absolutely no sense to Duke. But there didn't seem to be a good way to ask about the anomaly. It required observation, and the best opportunity came with Bruce's birthday.
Duke had known it was Bruce's birthday because Jason stopped him in the hall the week before and said, "It's the old man's birthday on Tuesday, and Tim and I are going to buy him the ugliest ties we can find to see if he'll wear them. Are you in?"
"Uh," Duke said. "Is he going to like that present?"
"That is so not the point."
"Okay. I guess. Where do you even buy ties?"
"Oh. I don’t know, they usually just show up in my closet... ah fuck, okay, let's get Tim and go ask Alfred."
Which meant that suddenly Duke was on a shopping adventure with Jason and Tim and Alfred. When they very solemnly told Alfred that the ties at the Men's Warehouse were not ugly enough, he drove them across town to a thrift shop where Jason rubbed his hands together like an evil villain and laughed.
But Duke did find a tie. It was covered in huge cartoon roses, looking like what the World's Most Enthusiastic Gardener might wear on a first date. Jason gave him a sly double thumbs up in approval.
Though Duke always felt half-way lost, like he'd been dropped into this family without a map, the more time he spent there, the more he felt like maybe he did actually fit in. Because when he wrapped the ugly tie, he smiled, looking forward to the reveal.
Jason spammed the 'Batkid' group chat (currently titled 'Pessimistic Clubhouse') with the Operation Ugly Tie plan, managing to get agreement from almost everyone.
Dick said, 'way ahead of you', presumably because he lived in the manor and had caught onto the shenanigans already. Damian said, 'my tie will be the ugliest of all ties' a typical Damian response that would be hilarious out of context. Stephanie said, 'noted', which could go either way.
The only ones who hadn't agreed were Cassandra -- who communicated mostly in emojis and as far as Duke could tell by the 'read' notification, she hadn't checked her phone in three days -- and Barbara, who replied, 'bold of you to assume i'm buying b a present'.
Jason said, 'that's a god damn power move and i respect it'.
Bruce appeared to have entirely forgotten his birthday. Duke felt awkward in his own place in that family at the best of times, and despite being the first one to see Bruce that morning, he merely said, "Hey Bruce." and continued on.
"Duke." Bruce replied, his nose in the newspaper, holding a cup of coffee.
"How's uh, how's it going?" Duke asked, opening the fridge.
"Fine." Bruce said. Then grew suspicious. "How are you?"
Duke thought about all the hideous ties he was slated to receive. He schooled his face and said, "Great. You know. Living the dream."
Bruce raised his eyebrow. Duke grabbed a banana and pretended to be very interested in the best method of peeling it.
"Hey B." Dick said, strolling in with a slim folded present. "Happy birthday, big guy."
"Thanks." Bruce said, automatically, putting his paper down to accept the present. He peeled back the tape, while Dick smiled serenely. It was an eye-sore Nightwing-blue tie, with a nauseating swirl pattern. Bruce held it for a moment, face a passive brick wall, then held it to his throat to admire. "Looks good. Thank you."
"Hope you have a great day." Dick winked, putting his hands on Bruce's shoulders and giving them a squeeze. "I've got to get to work. Enjoy!"
As Dick hurried off, Duke realized his mistake. By being the first to gift his present, Dick had received an unsuspicious, genuine response. Everyone else from that point on was not going to get that. Biting his tongue, Duke cursed in his head, and resolved to hold off giving his present as long as possible.
Duke sat down, and scrolled through his phone for a while, as Bruce flicked through the paper. Then he silently offered Duke the crossword.
Alfred came down the stairs, corralling a complaining Damian, who was having his usual argument about the futility of attending school on a daily basis.
"Buck up, dude." Duke said, when Damian was close enough to hear. "Millions of kids don't even get to go to school."
"They can have my spot." Damian said, and dropped his present on the table. Unlike the squishy wrapping that Dick taped together, Damian had his in a long box, with a perfectly curled ribbon. "Happy birthday, Father. I hope you will find this satisfactory."
"Thank you, Damian." Bruce said, reflexive, and carefully loosened the ribbon. His youngest son stood beside him at the table, hands behind his back and chin raised proudly. Inside was a bright ruby coloured tie with a huge Red Robin logo.
Duke bravely pressed his knuckles into his mouth to keep from laughing. Bruce blinked, a moment of suspicion, but when he met Damian's eye he said, "It is very satisfactory. Thank you."
"You're welcome." Damian said, nodding firmly. "Thomas. Do you require help with the crossword?"
The first time Damian asked that, Duke had thought he was insulting his intelligence. Now he understood that the kid wanted to hang out with him, and that was just his way of asking permission. "Sure thing. Maybe if we work together we can get it done before school."
They did manage, in fact, but likely because Alfred was breezing around behind them as he completed his duties, offering answers when the two would voice them out loud. Every time Duke's eye caught the Red Robin tie, he had to struggle not to laugh.
Bruce offered to drive them both to school on his way to the office, and Duke took him up on it, even though it meant he had to sit in the backseat because Damian was always quicker on the "Shotgun!" draw.
He spent most of the day regretting not having taken the opportunity to gift his tie when he saw Bruce in the morning, thinking about what a shit-show the evening was going to be once everyone else handed over their ties.
Dick and Damian confirmed their successful gifting in the Pessimistic Clubhouse, and when Jason woke up around noon he sent about a hundred thumbs up emojis.
'keep it staggered' Jason texted the group, as Duke had his cafeteria lunch and wondered how his life got to this place. 'if we're never in the same room as it happens, he might think it's a coincidence'.
Considering Bruce was the World's Greatest Detective, Duke highly doubted that, but he kept that to himself. With this knowledge, Duke took it upon himself to greet Bruce at the door when he came home from work.
"Hey, uh," Duke said, and thrust the bag to him. "This is kind of awkward, but I got you this. I swear, it was before I saw Dick and Damian's ones."
"It's a tie." Bruce guessed, with a twitch of his lips.
"Yeah. Sorry." Duke played dumb, rubbing the back of his neck. Pretending like it was just a coincidence. He could do this.
Bruce pulled out the cartoon rose covered tie. He said, graciously enough for something fairly ugly, "It's very nice Duke, thank you. I think Pamela Isley would get a kick out of it."
Duke snorted. "Yeah, probably. Anyway. Happy birthday."
"I appreciate it." Bruce nodded. "I won't be wanting for a tie anytime soon."
Duke offered a wry smile, then fled to the kitchen to hide with Alfred while he made dinner. He texted the Pessimistic Clubhouse group-chat, 'goods are delivered and i threw the suspicion off myself good luck to the rest of you'
'dibs next,' Tim replied.
'you're not even here!' Jason texted back, as Duke grabbed his homework and set up to work on the counter. Alfred let him put the radio on, and Duke flicked back and forth between all the bad stations to find a good song.
His phone buzzed, and he saw, 'yes i am,' from Tim right before he came striding in the kitchen, carrying something tie-shaped wrapped in brown paper.
"Have you seen Bruce?" Tim asked.
"I didn't realize you were still here, Master Timothy." Alfred said, straining vegetables into the sink, and glancing at the hall. "I believe he has set up in the study."
"I am the ghost of this household." Tim replied, in a breezy voice. "Be right back."
Duke was far too curious for his own good and followed, putting his pencil down on his notebook. Tim spotted him, and threw Duke a pair of finger-guns before he slid through the oak doors into the study.
"Hey B." Tim's voice carried into the hall. "Happy birthday. How's it feel to be old?"
"About the same." Bruce said, chair squeaking as he leaned back. Duke pressed himself quietly against the door. "You all should know you don't have to get me anything."
"Ah, you're our dad or dad-like figure. It's important to us." Tim said, and Duke thought that was pretty ballsy considering he knew what the tie Tim was about to give him looked like.
"Hm." Bruce said, a hint of a smile in his voice, and there was an exchange of paper. Duke peeked around the door dangerously, just in time to get a glimpse of Bruce's face as he lifted an orange tie embroidered with the words 'WHERE'S THE BEEF?'.
Tim was a better man than Duke, because he had an absolutely straight face. Duke had to duck back around the corner and clamp both hands over his mouth to keep from ruining the whole thing.
"Wow." Bruce said, in a blank tone.
"I think it'd really go well with your orange pocket square." Tim supplied helpfully.
"Yes." Bruce replied. "It very well might. Thank you, Tim."
"No problem!" Tim said, warm and cheerful and oh-so-evil. "Enjoy!"
Tim joined Duke in the hallway, and they returned to the kitchen together in silence.
Once out of earshot, Duke very sincerely said, "I think this is the best day of my entire life."
"If he ever wears that tie, I might actually die." Tim replied, and gave a Cheshire grin. "Did you see his face?"
"There's no way he's not onto us now." Duke said. "There's no way."
"I'm sure he suspects." Tim said, loftily, and crumpled up the brown paper into a ball, shooting it into the garbage. "But he's not gonna risk flipping out at one of us only to find out we were trying to give a sincere gift. The relationships with all of us are way too fragile for that."
That was a good point. Duke hoped it would hold up, because he'd seen what Jason bought, and that was going to be a very hard sell.
Jason came up from the cave, but he decided he wanted to be the last one, and he was waiting to see if anyone else had a tie to bring. The girls were coming over either for dinner or cake afterwards, so it would be time for that monstrosity later. Duke found himself instead in what felt like Mario Kart to The Death with Jason, Tim, and Damian as soon as the kid got home from school. The death part came from the risk that any shell implemented in the game might result in a high velocity pillow to the face in real life.
Stephanie arrived in time for dinner, with snow in her blonde hair and a shiny gift bag. "What's up, losers?"
"Do you have the goods?" Jason asked, not looking away from the game.
"Oh, I sure do. Get ready to have your butts whooped, because there's nothing uglier than this." Steph said, waggling the bag in the air.
"Bold claim, can you back it up?" Jason asked, winning the match and turning to face her.
Stephanie pulled a leopard print tie, made of leather, and the colour of Pepto Bismol.
"Where did you FIND that?" Jason crowed, gleeful, getting up to feel the horrible texture.
"That's really bad." Duke agreed, having given up and let himself get twelfth place. Tim and Damian got second and third respectively, with a few elbows, and then they crowded around Steph with her prize.
"It looks like you'd find it on the floor of a strip club." Tim complimented.
"Mine is uglier." Damian pronounced.
"What was yours?" Tim asked.
Duke bit his knuckle. Damian sneered and said, "You'll see. We can ask Father at the end of the night, he can pronounce a winner."
"I like how you think, Demon Brat." Jason grinned, devilish. "Are you gonna assault B with that now Steph, or later?"
"Now." Steph decided, stuffing the tie back inside the bag. "Where is he?"
"Study." Tim said. "Record it. I want to see his face."
They commandeered a spy camera from the cave, and Steph pranced off to complete her mission. Duke declined another match of the world's most dangerous Mario Kart, and tried to listen down the hall. She came back, pleased as punch, and set up her phone to play the video.
"B, you old fart." Stephanie on the video said, approaching him at his desk. "How's it shakin?"
"Very well, Stephanie." Bruce said, mild as ever. “Is that for me?"
"Of course. Happy birthday!" She handed it over. As he pulled it out, she said, "I just fell in love with it, the moment I set eyes on it. It'll really bring out your eyes!"
Bruce looked up at her, conflict warring on his face. He said, obviously through gritted teeth, "Thank you Stephanie, that's very kind."
The current Steph giggled uncontrollably, "Oh man! I'm so glad I caught that. He hates it so much. I win, oh I'm gonna win!"
"I love it. Send that to the group chat, I want to save it forever." Jason said.
All their phones pinged as she did. She threw herself down on the couch and challenged them to another match, where Duke graciously let her have his controller.
Dick and Barbara slid in under the wire, Alfred setting their places at the last second, and the whole family convened at the dinner table. Duke found himself between Jason and Steph, which could be dangerous when there was gravy involved since they had a bizarre competition over who could consume the most in a single meal.
"Before we eat," Jason said. "I have a very important toast to make."
Babs was already rubbing her forehead. Jason raised his glass in Bruce's direction, "To the birthday boy. Many happy returns."
"To Bruce." Alfred said, raising his glass as well.
Duke scrambled to grab his, and raised it along with an unsteady chorus of, "To B/Bruce/Father."
Bruce smiled, a real one. "Thank you, Jason."
"Don't thank me yet." Jason said, wagging his finger, and reaching under his chair for a sloppily wrapped tie-shaped present. Bruce's face actually fell, and Duke bit his lip hard to keep from laughing. "This is for you, Pops."
Bruce's jaw twitched, and he accepted it across the gravy and mashed potatoes. Peeling back the paper, he revealed to everyone at the table the most hideous puke green tie, with a huge blown up picture of Mr. Bean's face.
"Oh my." Alfred said.
Babs snorted. Dick clasped his hands underneath his chin, tilting his head and giving a faint smile. Tim had the best poker face; calm and unaffected. Damian appraised the competition with a studying gaze. Then he leaned over and whispered in Tim's ear, likely asking the identity of Mr. Bean, and Tim showed him something on his phone. Steph high fived a grinning Jason underneath the table.
"Thank you, Jason." Bruce repeated, with incredible calm.
"Will you wear it? For your birthday dinner?" Jason, the absolute shit, asked.
"I would hate to stain it." Bruce carefully wrapped it back in its paper. "You've all been very kind to think of me on my birthday, thank you all."
His voice was steady and neutral, but Duke was pretty sure he was detecting an undercurrent of, 'you're all little shits'. Maybe he was learning how this family worked after all.
"Happy birthday, Bruce." Babs said, raising her glass again. "My present is that I did not get you a present."
Bruce looked quite relieved. "Ah, thank you, Babs."
Babs smirked, raising her glass to the rest of the table, and taking a sip.
After dinner, as the cake was being prepared, the front door opened and closed.
"Is that Cass?" Steph said, feet up on the coffee table, shuffling a deck of cards in her hands. "She told me she might be late, but she didn't want to miss cake."
Duke was curious, so he got up. It was Cass, shaking the snow off her boots and offering Duke a small smile when she spotted him. She had a wrapped box, larger than a breadbox.
"Hey Cass." Duke said, because he liked her, even if he never saw her because she didn't live there (so confusingly) like her siblings did. "You haven't missed the cake yet."
"Thanks." Cass said. "All good?"
"Yup, we're all good." Duke replied. "How's your work going?"
"All good." She smiled, and picked up her present. "B?"
"In here." Duke swooped his arm.
"Cass!" Half the living room cried when she entered, and Cass ducked her head shyly, offering them all her smile.
"It's so good to see you." Dick said, rising from the couch to give her a one-armed hug. "We've missed you around here."
"Yeah, you can't leave me alone with these guys too long, you know they gang up on me." Tim said, leaning over the back of the couch and reaching a hand towards his sister.
"They're all inadequate sparring partners." Damian complained.
"I sparred with you earlier today." Jason pointed out.
"I meant what I said." Damian replied.
"Sorry." Cass said. "B?"
Bruce was leaning in the doorframe, and gave her a matching small smile. "Hi Cass."
"Happy birthday." She said, offering the large present.
"Your presence is more than enough of a gift." Bruce told her, and Duke thought again, man, why doesn't she live here then?
"Bonus, then." Cass said.
"I'm sure I will love it." Bruce assured her, admiring the large size, and pulled off the paper, then unsealed the box. There was a bunch of foam peanuts, and Damian held onto Titus' collar to keep the dog from going to eat them as some split on the floor.
Bruce rummaged around, and finally withdrew a fish. A fake fish, with shiny scales, stuffed and fat, with the tail connected to a collar.
It was a fish tie.
Jason lost it immediately. He had to sit down he was laughing so hard. Steph joined him, and Titus barked at the commotion, while Damian scolded them for upsetting his dog.
"Top ten anime betrayals of all time." Tim said, phone out and taking a picture of Bruce standing there with the fish tie, face completely dismayed.
"That's a really good one, Cass." Dick complimented.
"I really respect the misleading sized box." Babs added, leaning on her hand.
Bruce took a deep breath. He said, "Thank you, Cass. It's wonderful."
"Is it the ugliest tie?" Damian asked.
Bruce surveyed his collection of children, who were leaning forward in suspense. He sighed, and said, "Yes. Cass wins whatever horrid competition you've been holding at my expense."
"A surprise upset." Jason said, and got up to shake Cass' hand. "But I am honoured to lose to you."
Cass smiled, and shook hard. "Thanks."
Duke watched them all congratulate her, all the laughter when they insisted Bruce bring his new collection for everyone to see, and the subsequent chase between Damian and Tim when the Red Robin tie was revealed. Cass stayed on the edges, loved but hesitant.
Duke understood the feeling, since he was still testing the waters here, and waited until everyone was busy trying to get the correct number of candles on Bruce's large cake to approach Cass.
"Hey, that was a great present." Duke complimented.
Cass inclined her head, tucking a stray corner of dark hair behind her ear.
"I didn't even know you'd read our conversation." Duke added, curious. "So I had no idea you knew what we were up to."
"It's hard sometimes." Cass said, watching the chaos.
He nodded. And decided to broach the topic that had been bugging him. "Why don't you live here?"
Cass looked at him, lifting her chin in question.
"All the others do." Duke elaborated. "And you're one of Bruce's kids too. But you don't live here."
"Complicated past." Cass said. "And... they didn't ask. So I didn't come."
"Do you want to be here with them?" Duke asked.
Cass shrugged, and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Aw, Cass, they all adore you." Duke assured her, honest and open. "Really, I think it breaks B's heart every day that you're not here. He's always trying to think of reasons he'll need you on a case, so he can invite you over. Just because they're all too emotionally stunted to voice that they want you here, doesn't mean that they don't."
Cass kept her eyes on their family, starting the beginning of a small forest fire of candles in the middle of the room. She swallowed, and said, "I wouldn't know how to be here."
"I didn't either." Duke said, almost embarrassingly earnest. He saw how important she was to his brothers, and he wanted them all to be happy. "Hell, I still don't. I'm learning. I can help you learn too."
"I've learnt a lot. Over the years." Cass said, and flickered his eyes to him. Cautious. "I suppose there is always room to learn more."
"That's the spirit." Duke said. "Just try and stay the night. Baby steps, right?"
"Baby steps." Cass replied, and took a tiny step forward in example. Duke did the same, and they laughed together.
They joined everyone else to sing happy birthday to a very long-suffering Bruce. Alfred, as he always did, offered to Cass a bedroom to stay the night, with the pretense of avoiding trekking through the snow. And when she agreed, Bruce smiled like perhaps that was indeed the best present of all.