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The snow was spiraling above his head, and Remus tugged the edges of his threadbare cloak tighter around his shoulders, fingers stiff from more than just the cold. The solstice party that James and Lily had thrown was in full swing inside, but he had needed some air, slipping away without being noticed.
Fumbling for his wand, knuckles creaking as he managed to get a grip on it, he cast a quiet warming charm and suddenly the snow was melting into glittering puddles on his cloak and in his hair. He let them, leaning against the huge, barren elm tree in the yard, bark digging into his back and keeping him firmly settled into his skin when all he wanted was to drift off and disappear, melting like the snow until there was nothing tangible left.
There was barely a sliver of moonlight, but what little there was was making the swirling snow sparkle and dance, little glass shards floating on the air, slicingly cold and fragile. Despite the more-than-two weeks since the last full moon, Remus couldn’t seem to shake the pinched sensation between his shoulder blades. He was starting to suspect that it was situational rather than moon related. Shoulders pressed a little harder against the tree trunk, his cloak snagging and tugging, the wind rushing into the gaps created there and making him shiver despite the warming charm.
The front door snicked shut and Remus turned to look at it, expecting Sirius come to drag him back inside where he could ply him with firewhisky and then wrangle him, half drunk, into bed. Remus had given up the pretense of needing to be drunk a while ago, but Sirius was still clinging to the fiction and Remus hadn’t had the nerve to confront him about it. Not at the holidays when everyone was tense enough waiting for Death Eaters to appear at any second, trying to steal bright moments out of dark days and brittle nights.
It wasn’t Sirius at all, though, and Remus slid to the side to make room for Peter to join him in letting the sturdy tree trunk keep him upright. The warming charm that came with him was much stronger than Remus’ own, and he was suddenly at least a little grateful for the company.
“You needed some air, too, huh Moony?”
Peter wasn’t looking at him, but he did hold out a cigarette for Remus, who took it and lit it with his wand before taking a long pull. The smoke he blew out dissipated into the snow, swirling away in frozen tendrils.
The huff that Remus let out in response misted up in front of his face, blending with the cigarette smoke and obscuring his vision until he blinked and it had faded away, an apparition of the cold and his mental state.
“I’m going to take that to mean you needed a break from Sirius?” Peter was kind enough to phrase it as a question, but Remus could tell he didn’t really mean it as one so he didn’t answer, just pulled out his wand and shot off a couple of multicolored sparks just to see them glitter in the snow.
They stood there, sharing space and cigarettes for a while, just watching the sky, hazy blue clouds drifting over darker blue and stars, tripled in count when stared at through falling flakes. For a moment Remus felt like the stars were tumbling down on him, and he just stood there waiting for the impact.
“What did you need a break from, then, Pete?” Remus asked, still watching the sky rather than his friend. He didn’t want to know if Peter had just come outside to check on him. He didn’t want to be noticed like that. Not these days. Not even by people he trusted.
“It’s just hard, sometimes, to accept celebration in the middle of everything else,” Peter said, voice soft, almost hesitant in a way that Peter wasn’t normally.
Remus nodded and finally turned to watch Peter, who looked drawn and pale, tight lines at the corners of his eyes that Remus had never seen there before.
The tree was still digging into his shoulders and Remus pressed back against it, just to be sure he was still there.
“Maybe you should talk to him,” Peter said, not letting Remus deflect for long.
“Because that’s ever done any of us any good,” Remus snorted, not bothering to pretend to not understand what Peter was saying despite the very strong urge to do so. Or to simply ignore him altogether.
“No,” Peter agreed readily enough, “but none of us were ever shagging him. That ought to count for something.”
The cigarette still at his lip when Remus inhaled sharply flared up and he started coughing, choking on the breath he drew full of smoke and snow that froze on its way down, doubling over and leaning on his own knees for a moment trying to remember how lungs worked. A hand clapped him on the back a couple of times until he stopped spluttering.
“Don’t worry,” Peter chuckled. “I don’t think anyone else has figured it out yet, or Lily at the very least would have had his head for the way he was letting Dearborn flirt with him in there.”
“He can flirt with whoever he wants,” Remus said, voice coming out tighter than he’d like, sounding brittle even to his own ears. He didn’t bother to confirm or contradict any of the rest of it. It didn’t really matter what Peter thought. They were shagging but it wasn’t what Peter was implying in the slightest, and Remus didn’t have the energy to get into that at all. Not now, probably not ever. And that was okay. He was fine. He would just hide outside in the snow until Dearborn left and Sirius remembered he was there.
“Is that really what you think, Moony?”
For the second time in just a matter of minutes Remus choked in his cigarette, finally throwing it down on the ground and stomping it out with a little more force that was actually required. He turned his glare down at the smoldering ember fizzling out in the dusting of snow starting to stick to the ground so he wouldn’t turn it on Sirius.
With one last clap to Remus’ shoulder, and a very pointed look between Remus and Sirius, Peter turned and headed back to the house, and the party that Remus could still hear going full swing inside.
Sirius took Peter’s place leaning beside Remus, only he pressed their shoulders together for a brief moment before apparently remembering that they didn’t do that where people could see and pulling away. “Well, Remus?”
When Remus turned to look at him Sirius didn’t look angry, but there was a tightness at the corners of his mouth that Remus wanted to kiss away. Would have kissed it away if that had been something that they did. Instead he just shrugged, not letting himself look away.
“What else was I supposed to think, Sirius? It’s not as if you’ve ever said otherwise.”
Remus felt the tension drain from Sirius as Sirius slumped a little beside him, the rasp of bark against his leather jacket hissing loudly in the air around them.
“I suppose that’s fair enough. There are so many things we’ve been forbidden from talking about that I guess we’ve gotten out of the habit of doing it at all.”
Deciding that it was more work to stay angry with Sirius than it was to let it go, Remus nudged him in the shoulder, leaving their shoulders pressed tightly together. “Since when have any of us given a niffler’s backside about the rules? We should all be talking, not keeping secrets from each other.”
“Maybe when it became life and death at stake, not just detention,” Sirius said softly, not pulling away from Remus.
“All the more reason for us to be trusting each other, not fracturing apart. I mean, honestly, it’s not as if this keeping-secrets-from-each-other thing has been working out for us lately. How many of us have the Death Eaters killed this month alone? Maybe it’s time to stop doing the same thing when that thing isn’t working.”
“I never thought you’d be the one advocating for breaking the rules,” Sirius said, huffing out a laugh that was more a whisper of air trying to cover the fear that they were all breathing every day, none of them willing to admit to it at the risk of making it real.
“Yeah, well, these rules are stupid.”
“They are, but none of that has to do with why you ran off to hide outside in the snow while I had to put up with Dearborn practically accosting me.”
“That’s not what it looked like to me,” Remus grumbled, hating the whining tone his voice took on almost as much as he hated the memory of Dearborn’s hand on Sirius hip that had driven him outside in the first place.
“You’re jealous!” Sirius eyes got very wide and Remus could almost see the falling snow reflecting in them. He didn’t answer, just leaned in and pressed his mouth to Sirius’, waiting until Sirius slipped an arm around his waist before leaning into him, only willing to take what he knew was being offered despite the number of times they had done this.
When he pulled back it was only far enough to rest his forehead against Sirius’ shoulder. “I’m not jealous. We’ve never named this thing we’re doing as something I have the right to be jealous of. But I couldn’t stand to see him touch you like that. I wanted to rip his arm off and claim you in front of everyone.”
“While I don’t condone maiming of people on our side these days, I sort of wish you had. Maybe then he would have taken the hint that I wasn’t interested.”
Remus snorted. “You always condone maiming people.”
“Only for you, Moony. Only for you.”
“You’ll maim people for me but you won’t talk to me?”
Sirius sighed but didn’t pull away, and when Remus looked over his dark hair was sparkling with snow, his own universe glittering around his face.
Remus laced his fingers into Sirius’ hair, and Sirius leaned into the touch. “I need you to talk to me, Sirius. I can’t just guess at what you want from me forever.”
“I thought I’d made that fairly clear,” Sirius said before pressing a kiss to Remus palm, snowflakes melting between them.
Remus removed his hand and leaned in to kiss Sirius properly, just a quick press before pulling back and shivering. “I’m no good at Legilimency Sirius, you can’t just assume I know what you mean. I need you to use your words. Because right now I feel like I’m floating away, and I need to know something is solid and tangible in my life before I drift away entirely.”
“I think you’ve been staring at the snow for too long there, Remus,” Sirius said, but he threaded their fingers together and tugged until Remus was tucked back against his chest again, wrapping his cloak around them both so they were sharing heat. “It’s a good thing I love you anyway,” he added, staring at a point over Remus’ shoulder when Remus looked up quickly to see his face.
“You...” Remus trailed off. He couldn’t even bring himself to say the words for fear of having them melt away, fragile and mutable, insubstantial in a way he wasn’t prepared to face.
Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, but then squared his shoulders up and stepped back far enough that he could look Remus directly in the face. Remus almost had to look away from the intensity in the grey eyes staring down at him, but he forced himself to hold the gaze.
“Love you. Yeah.”
The world swayed for a moment, and Remus had to count out a handful of deep breaths until he could be sure he was going to stay upright. “Oh, well, that’s – that’s good.”
Silence for a moment before Remus realized that Sirius was practically holding his breath, and for some reason, knowing that Sirius was nervous helped Remus to believe him. “If it matters, I love you, too, you know.”
Sirius’ shoulders dropped and he leaned in to press a brief kiss to the corner of Remus’ mouth. Remus tried to pull him in closer, but Sirius didn’t let him, and Remus didn’t want to push him away, so he let him go.
“You’re probably the only good thing going on right now, what with all the death and secrecy and uncertainty. So yeah, I’d say it matters.”
Daring to reach out and take Sirius’ hand, Remus smiled at him, a small smile that felt frigid; but it was there, and when Sirius smiled back it was enough.
“Now, are you done having a strop? Can we please go back inside and hang all over each other so Dearborn gets the hint?” Sirius squeezed his hand and didn’t start moving towards the house until Remus squeezed back, watching the snowflakes melt in Sirius’ hair, the stars drifting away, grounding them back in the here and now.
“Yeah, we can go do that.”