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I know what it feels like to be unloved. Alone.
Fuck. That's really dramatic, huh? No, I'm loved. Mom, and… well. I guess that's it. Dad? Eh. Jared? Pft! Connor?
Connor.
Nope.
No, just Mom.
I chew on my nail as my leg jiggles up and down, hurrying to copy down the last of the notes before the bell rings for the end of the day.
The final word goes down a second or two before the bell, and my vision goes from the SmartBoard to the blur of students rushing out. It is Friday, after all, everyone wants to get home. Lucky bastards.
I sigh, putting away my biology notebook, dropping my pen into my pencil pouch, and pushing in my chair with a squeak. I cringe at that stupid noise, and luckily there's nobody else in the room left to see. Not even my teacher, Mr. Burnsworth, who left with the crowd to get home to his wife and newborn daughter. At least he has a proper family to get home to.
Not me.
Even if I did go home now, I'd be all alone until around eight or nine, depending on when Mom's shift ended.
But, thanks to the fact that I'm officially declared a screw-up, Friday means therapy.
I wonder if I could add Dr. Sherman to my list of “people who love me”. Nah. He's, like, paid to like me is all. I wonder if my mom gave Ms. Kleinman some cash when Jared and I were babies, like, “hey, here's a handful of twenties so when my son grows up he's not all alone. Please make your son be friends with mine so he doesn't feel shitty about himself!” It's possible.
Mentally, I slap myself. This is the kind of thinking that gets me stuck in therapy anyway. Well, that and the whole ‘anxious and semi-suicidal’ deal.
The door to the science room closes with a groan, and I shift my bag on my shoulders as I make my way to my locker.
When I get there, my jaw nearly drops. Jared and Connor are laughing together by my locker .
Yeah, okay, I'm still not used to them being a couple and all that, but why are they here ? It's been forever since they met me at my locker. Hell, I haven't even spoken to them at all in, like, two weeks! They're always chatting happily together, so I know I shouldn't intrude. At least they aren't the mushy type, not like Zoe and Alana are. Don't get me wrong, they're a wonderful couple, but seriously? Nobody wants to see them kissing in the halls or surprising each other with gifts nearly every. Fucking. Day. Focus, Evan.
“Uh, h-hey, guys!” Voice crack . I wince.
Jared claps a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, dude! Listen, I gotta run, but Connor here said he would be willing to give you a ride!”
I gulp, looking at him, and Connor just gives me a faint smile.
This is a joke, right? I mean, usually, I take the bus anyway. It's been ages since Jared would take me. Then he found new friends, Connor, and stopped spending time with me as much. Maybe we owe the Kleinman’s more money . Pay a dollar per each week of friendship from Jared! Besides, Connor looks less than pleased to do this. What the fuck is going on?
“Oh! Um…” I gently move past them, my hands fumbling to open my locker. It takes five tries. “You really don't have to.. I mean.. it's no worry. I can just take the bus like usual,” I mumble, putting away the notebooks and folders I don't need, and tugging out my jacket.
Wordlessly, Connor takes my coat as I put the lock back on, and hands it back.
“Th-thanks…” What is going on?
“Well! See you guys later!” Jared chirps, and I manage to catch him nudging Connor.
Great. So this is a prank. Lead Evan on! Wait for him to finally confess he likes Connor before laughing in his face because of his stupid feelings when Connor is already with Jared! I have a bitter taste in my mouth now, but I hide it behind a smile.
---
Connor’s car is, like, ridiculously nice. Sleek silver car, plush leather seats inside, spotless, smells like some fancy cologne that doesn't burn your nose when you catch even the slightest whiff. Of course, there's a hint of weed in there, too. Yup. It's Connor’s car, alright.
Still, I'm on edge as I open the door to the back.
Connor snickers, then gestures towards the shotgun seat. “Dude, just sit up front, it's not like I'm your Uber driver or some shit!”
I blush, faking a smile as I make my way around, and sit in the front seat beside him as he starts up the engine with a soft roar.
My bag plops at my feet, and I fix my eyes on it, instead of Connor and the wisps of hair curling around his face as his sparkling eyes are fixed on the road, and- shit .
We drive in silence for another couple of minutes when I realise something very important. “You have no idea where I'm going, do you?”
He laughs, tapping a finger on the steering wheel. “Jared told me the address! What, you think I'd just offer to drive you someplace without knowing where?”
I duck my head, embarrassed. “Why are you doing this?” I ask carefully. “I-I mean, I appreciate it, but there's no need…”
Connor shrugs. “I told Jared I wanted to spend time with you.”
“He's cool with that, even though he's your boyfriend ?” The words come out without my intention, and far too bitter. I clap a hand over my mouth, then apologise profusely. “W-wait, I didn't mean, I, that came out too wrong, let me rephrase, I-”
“Breathe.”
I blink, and look over at him. His face is completely neutral and relaxed.
A few more minutes, and he turns on an exit.
“Wait! This is the wrong one!” I start, alarmed.
His eyes dart to the side, looking at me for a brief moment. “Yeah, I know.”
Confused, I wait until he stops in a lot, the only other thing in sight, aside from all the trees, are a couple of empty trucks. Connor turns off the car, then turns to me.
“Jared and I aren't boyfriends anymore. It's been like a week. I told him I didn't feel the same way I did in the beginning, and he was okay with that.”
“Oh..” Why is he telling me this? I'm going to be late …
“Okay, clearly you aren't getting it,” he sighs. “Evan, listen.”
I lift my head, and we make eye contact.
“I broke up with him because I like you .”
I can't help it. I burst out laughing. “Woah! That was a good one! How long have you and Jared been planning this?”
However, he's not smiling. His face is dead serious. “I don't know what weird-ass ideas are in your head right now, but this isn't a stupid prank.”
I stop laughing immediately.
He moans, digging the heels of his palms into his face. “God, you're fucking dense!” Connor sighs again, then removes his hands from his face. “I. Like. You. I told Jared I wanted to spend more time with you and he told me that driving you to therapy was an automatic way to get you to like me. Stupid, stupid!”
I can't believe it … “Connor, no, hold on, I'm sorry, I just, I couldn't believe that.. that you would like me, I-”
“I began to hang out with Jared because he was close to you,” Connor cuts me off. “It's dumb, so dumb, but I was willing to try anything. I convinced myself I loved Jared instead to get over you, but I just couldn't! Every time that we kissed, I… I would always picture you . God, it’s pretty fucked up to do that to him, huh? Man… I tried so hard, Evan, so hard to get over you. I guess after all this time I just.. I can't bring myself to love anyone but you…” He laughs humorlessly. “‘Love’. Jesus. Anyway. Let's get you to therapy, yeah?”
Putting a hand on his arm, I pull his hand away from starting the car up again. “H-hold on…”
When he looks back at me, his eyes look tired, like his confession drained him, like he's anticipating rejection. But I won't give it to him. I can't.
“I.. I like you, too,” I whisper.
“Bullshit.” Connor reaches to start it up again, but I stop him.
“It's not!” Slowly, I release my hold. “It's not.”
Finally, he turns to look at me again. “Evan, you have no idea what you're saying-”
Mustering up my courage, I lean forward, stretching the seatbelt. “Shut up,” I demand quietly, and I swear I could see him smiling right before I kissed him.
After a few seconds, I pull away, my face feeling very, very warm. “Um…”
Connor smiles at me, a sweet, true, caring smile. “Now, let's get you to that therapy appointment on time, okay?”
I nod, unable to keep a stupid grin off of my face, either, as I think to myself: ‘Huh. Maybe I can add Connor to my list of people who love me, after all!’