Archive of Our Own

Arthur wasn't sure what made him say her name. He had kind of panicked when Valiant had asked who Arthur was hoping to draw in their class’ Secret Santa. Usually Valiant didn't bother asking Arthur about girls, too busy talking trash about his own ex girlfriend, Sophia - even back when they were still dating - to really notice the lack of girlfriend in Arthur's life.

Arthur really couldn't blame Sophia for breaking up with Valiant; he would also get rid of the other boy if he could.The only problem was that they were both part of the football team and the only ones in this class together, so Valiant had decided they would stick together, no matter if they liked each other or not.

“So, who do you hope to get?” Valiant asked impatiently. Arthur hoped the slight panic in his eyes wasn't visible as he quickly scanned the room. His eyes first landed on Gwaine and Arthur had to admit that the long hair did look good on him, not that he would ever say that aloud. He might not be in denial about being gay, but he most definitely didn't plan on letting anyone in on that little fact while still in school.

“Mithian,” Arthur said quickly, his gaze landing on the girl sitting next to Gwaine. Her hair was nearly the same shade of brown as the boy's sitting to her left and, as far as Arthur could tell, she was nice and funny.

“Mithian? Really?” Valiant asked, surprised as he shamelessly started staring at the brunette girl sitting on the other side of the weird circle their chairs were currently forming.

“I mean, it's not like I like her. I mean, not in a like like kind of way,” Arthur started to explain, praying this wouldn't lead to any misunderstandings. Mithian seemed like a great girl and he really didn't want to hurt her feelings by rejecting her if Valiant decided to play matchmaker or something like that.

“Chill man, it's cool,” Valiant jumped in. “Just thought you might go for one of the hotties but maybe not going for them is actually a good idea; I mean, banging one of them probably means you have to hang out with him.”

Arthur knew who Valiant was talking about even without looking, but he still did look up, his eyes wandering over to the group of girls sitting to their left. Well, the group of girls and Merlin.

Merlin was the reason Arthur knew there was no way in hell he would ever come out while still in school. Tall and skinny, with dark hair that nearly covered his blue eyes and that curled around his ears, Merlin wouldn’t be the most noticeable person in the room; except his ears were kind of big and prominent, his jeans tight enough to be painted on, and his nails were always painted with colourful and sometimes sparkly polish. Some days he even wore a touch of make-up. Everything about him screamed “gay” and people in school noticed; they noticed and teased and quite often bullied the other boy.

Arthur would never do something mean like that himself, but he quite often had to listen to some guys on the team, mostly Valiant, talking shit about Merlin and therefore knew he would never put himself in that situation voluntarily.

“Can you imagine drawing Gayboy’s name? I don’t want to buy gifts for a fag.” Valiant said, louder than necessary. Merlin looked up and so did his friends, the girls sending angry looks towards Arthur as if he had been the one to utter those hateful words. Arthur quickly looked away, his cheeks turning a healthy shade of red, as he cringed on the inside at Valiant's behaviour.

“Make. You have to make the gifts, not buy them. Didn’t you listen to Mrs. Mora?” Arthur tried to steer the conversation in another direction. From the look on Valiant's face, Arthur gathered the other boy had not, in fact, been listening to their teacher.

Mrs. Mora, or Helen as she wanted the students to call her in a misguided attempt to bond, was their communications teacher and the one responsible for Arthur's current situation. After spending the last few months trying to get the students to open up and love and respect each other, she had decided that playing Secret Santa was a good idea for them to warm up to one another, even though none of the sitting in the chair circle she made them sit in seemed to be really interested in doing so.

“We are all drawing names and then we are supposed to make something for whoever we draw and bring one gift for each Friday class till the Christmas holidays. So we need to make three gifts,” Arthur summed up what Mrs. Mora had told them the previous week.

“How the hell am I supposed to make something?” Valiant asked before adding with a sly grin, “If you draw my name, I want some porn.”

“Porn? How should I make you porn?”

“You could just give me some pics of your sister's tits,” Valiant said, grinning at his own idea like he was already picturing it happening.

Arthur was left speechless at the request, unable to tell if Valiant was joking or not. He was saved from telling Valiant off by Mrs Mora finally entering the room, in her hand a plastic jar with tiny white stripes of paper in it. Arthur had the urge to punch Valiant, but knew it would only cause problems for himself.

“Good morning kids,” she said, ignoring the fact that she was walking into a high school class, not kindergarten, and the only child in here was yet to be born by a six months pregnant Sefa.

“I've already written all your names down and put them in here,” she shook the jar lightly. “So let's do this real quick before we start class for real.”

She started walking around and Arthur watched as one student after another took a slip of paper from the jar. Once more, Arthur wondered whose name he was going to draw and what to get them. They had played some “getting to know each other” games in the past, so Arthur had a vague idea about what most of the other students liked, even though he didn't know most of them personally. They knew of him, being the football captain meant people generally knew who he was, but it also meant nearly all of his friends were his teammates.

Valiant drew one and started staring at some random girls to their right, which probably meant he drew one of their names. Arthur felt sorry for them immediately.

“You're next, Arthur,” Mrs. Mora said when Arthur didn't reach for the jug. He quickly looked at her and then the pieces of paper still lying in the jar. Reaching in with his right hand, his fingers glided over a few slips before deciding on one. Please don't let it be Valiant, he thought to himself as he slowly removed his hand. Or Merlin, he added as an afterthought while unfolding the paper to reveal a name.

Merlin Emrys. Fuck.

***

It took Arthur one night to get over the shock of drawing Merlin’s name and another two to realise he had no clue what to make him. Despite their games in class, Arthur felt like he knew Merlin the least out of all the other students, the boy was just too damn private. After another idealess day at school, he decided to just give in and ask his dad. After all, his dad owned the local craft store, which had once been the pride and joy of Arthur’s mom. If anyone would know what to do, it was his father.

“What’s he like?” his dad asked while chopping the carrots for dinner. Uther had learned to cook after the car crash that had killed Arthur's mother and by now he was pretty good at it and loved trying new recipes. Tonight he seemed to make some kind of vegetable stew that Morgana, who had gone vegetarian recently, would probably love and Arthur already dreaded trying..

Arthur shrugged as he sat down on one of the high chairs on the other side of the kitchen isle; he didn’t really know anything about Merlin. The only thing he remembered was Merlin once mentioning knitting club in class and even Arthur had to admit, that was a bit of a weird hobby to have.

“Well, tell me something, Arthur. I don’t know anything about this kid so if you want my help you need to start talking. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of him?” Uther asked, swinging the knife.

“Soft,” the word was out of Arthur’s mouth before he could even think about it for a second.

“Soft?” his dad asked, confused as he grabbed the next vegetable to chop. He cocked his head in an invitation for Arthur to explain.

“Not really soft, I meant more like soft-spoken,” Arthur corrected himself, even though he had to admit that Merlin’s dark, curly hair looked surprisingly soft. He wondered briefly if it would feel like silk between his fingers.

“So soft-spoken as in shy?”

“Not really shy, at least I don’t think he is. He just keeps to himself because people tend to pick on him.”

“What?” His dad stopped the chopping to walk over to the other side of the kitchen isle so he could stand next to Arthur. “Why do people pick on him?”

Arthur didn’t know what to say. Talking about Merlin’s sexuality felt a bit too close to home for him right now, so he decided on something else.

“Because he’s in the knitting club.”

“So he’s soft and in the knitting club.”

“Soft-spoken,” Arthur corrected, groaning internally. Thank god, at least his sister wasn’t here to witness his mortification. She would never let him live this down.

“Sounds like a clever way to meet girls,” his dad smiled and Arthur wondered if he was thinking about how he had met Arthur’s mother. Igraine had once told Arthur that his dad had been so smitten by her he had joined her knitting circle at the craft shop so he could get to know her.

“I don’t think he is interested in meeting girls.”

“I see. So they pick on him for being gay. I hope you don’t do the same. I raised you better than that,” Uther said sternly, seemingly protective of a boy he had never even met.

“I know dad and I don’t. I would never.”

“Good, because there is nothing wrong with being gay.” The way his dad laid his hand on Arthur’s shoulder while saying those words made Arthur wonder if he suspected something.

“I know, dad.”

His dad nodded and walked over to his chopping board again.

“Maybe you can just talk to him? See if you can find out what Merlin would like.”

“I can’t, dad! It would be weird just randomly talking to him, we have nothing in common.”

His dad sent him a stern look.

“He knits!”

His dad laughed at that. “So do I and I love it. Why can’t he?”

“Knitting is for girls and old people.”

“Hey, who’re calling old? I’m not old,” despite the exaggerated voice, Arthur knew his dad was joking. “I could teach you, you know. So you and Merlin have something to talk about.”

“No, thanks, dad,” Arthur had no intention of ever taking his dad up on that offer.

“It's actually pretty easy you know. I think even a monkey could learn to do it. Speaking of monkeys…”

His dad's face lit up as he dropped the last pieces of vegetables in the boiling pot.

“You know, we are making sock monkeys this week at the workshop. You could make one for Merlin,” he continued and started stirring the cooking vegetables.

“I'm not making a stuffed animal for a boy!”

“Why not? It's artsy, he's artsy, and you said it's supposed to be handmade.”

“Because…” Actually, Arthur couldn't really find a reason not to, he just couldn't. What would people think if he made a stuffed toy for Merlin?

“Plus, I could really use your help at the workshop, carrying all the stuff around. You know, since I’m so old.”

Arthur should have known Uther would use his own arguments against him. Still, he tried one more time. “Can't Morgana help you?”

“No, your sister is busy on Thursday. And speaking of your sister, can you tell her dinner will be ready soon?”

Arthur knew this was his dad’s way of finishing the discussion. With a sigh, he got up to walk over to the living room, where Morgana was probably still on the phone.

“Fine,” he said as he left the room. “But I'm not making a monkey for Merlin.”

***

Arthur was making a monkey for Merlin. Or, at least, he tried to make one. The lumpy, half-finished thing in his hands shared more similarities with a voodoo doll than any sort of animal.

His first mistake had been choosing a black sock. All the elderly ladies participating in the workshop had chosen something more colourful, but Arthur had refused to do the same. Instead he had gone for something dark and manly, which really wasn't a good choice.

He had had a hard time seeing the lines he had drawn and the sewing machine had become his worst enemy within minutes. At some point, one of the ladies - she introduced herself as Grunhilda - had taken pity on him and helped him sew the legs because she had been afraid Arthur would sew his fingers together. So now at least the upper body was done.

“Don't forget to cut out a heart for the monkey. Nobody will know it's in there, but believe me, the monkey will appreciate it. Otherwise it will turn into a Hoobajoob and no monkey wants to turn into a Hoobajoob.”

Arthur had no idea how his father could say stuff like that without sounding silly to his own ears. Looking at the fabric in front of him, he knew for sure he wouldn't cut out a heart for Merlin He didn't even know the guy!

“You too, Arthur,” his father said and stopped next to him, looking at his son expectantly until finally Arthur gave in and cut out a heart. The second his father turned away, though, Arthur shoved it into his jeans pockets instead of the monkey.

Next up was closing the monkey, which meant another opportunity for Arthur to stab himself with the needle. The only good thing about the black socks: They hid the fact that by now the monkey was probably drenched in Arthur's blood.

Another half an hour went by when Arthur, with the help of Grunhilda - who the whole time had kept on talking about her granddaughter Elena - finally finished the monkey by sewing the eyes on. Everybody had chosen black eyes for their monkeys but seeing as his monkey was already black Arthur had to go with another colour.

Red had seemed like a good idea. After all, it was his own favourite colour, but as Arthur looked at the finished product was he no longer secure in his decision.The monkey looked kind of demonic and downright evil.

“Well, doesn't that one look frightening?” Grunhilda said at the finished monkey and Arthur could only nod.

There was no way he could give the monkey to Merlin without frightening the other boy to death. Shit.

“Time to pack, ladies, hope you all enjoy your monkeys and see you next week,” Uther said cheerfully as the women started to clean up their things and left, most of them not without patting Arthur's shoulder or pinching his cheek. Grunhilda even planted a smacking kiss on his right cheek, probably leaving her lipstick behind as Arthur turned several shades of red at her treatment.

“See, that wasn't so bad after all,” his dad said as the last one had left and they both started cleaning up the work place to go home themselves.

“It was a disaster!”

“But all the ladies loved you. And after seeing your monkey, they were all very happy with how their own monkeys turned out,” Uther turned the lights off and closed the door behind them.

“There is no way I can give this monkey to Merlin. He will feel threatened when he sees it!”

Arthur shifted the box of supplies in his hands before asking his father: “Can't I just have your monkey and give it to him?”

“Sorry, Arthur. I'm afraid I was too busy helping everyone to make one of my own. Besides, yours doesn't look so bad.”

Arthur didn't reply, but as they got in the car, which had thankfully been parked in front of the building, they both knew his dad was lying.

***

Arthur couldn't sleep that night. He had no idea what to get Merlin, seeing as his attempt at a monkey went down the drain. He lay awake until 4am, when he eventually just got up and walked over to his closet. A quick search revealed not much, but on a second look his eyes were caught by something.

Without thinking about it too much, he grabbed the item and quickly wrapped it with the wrapping paper lying on his desk next to the demonic monkey.

Not quite satisfied, Arthur went back to bed in an attempt to at least sleep a few hours before his alarm went off. His sleep was restless and filled with red eyes that seemed to follow him. When he woke and saw the red-eyed monkey, he just shook his head and shoved it in a drawer.

***

It took Arthur five failed attempts at dropping off the gift with Mrs. Mora before he finally had the guts to do so. He knew his gift was inadequate, but he couldn't change that now. He could only hope that Merlin wouldn't be too embarrassed when he opened up his present later.

Later was after lunch, their last class on Friday. When Arthur entered the classroom, Mrs. Mora was already there, as well as half of the student body. On a round table in the corner of the room Arthur could see a pile of gifts waiting, all different sized and shaped and wrapped in different colours. Arthur felt a bit sick, even more so when Valiant sat down next to him. Thank god, he had been running nearly late so there was no chance for them to small talk before Mrs. Mora clapped her hands to gain all of her students’ attention.

“Ok, let's see what lovely ideas you all came up with,” she said and walked over to the table so she could start handing out presents.

Valiant immediately tore into his when Mrs. Mora handed it over, only to stop when he realised what it was, a box of homemade cookies.

“Dude, where are my nudes?” he asked and Mrs. Mora sent him a disappointed look that made Arthur chuckle.

“Guess I didn’t draw your name after all. And even if I had, you should know you won’t get anything like that from me.”

“At least they’re chocolate,” Valiant mumbled and Arthur turned his head away from him just in time to see Gwen open up her present. She let loose a delighted laugh and threw her arms around Merlin who was sitting right next to her.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” she squealed and wrapped the knitted lilac scarf around herself. “Now open yours,” she said and nudged the boy next to her.

Arthur started sweating. This was the moment he had been dreading all week. Merlin slowly unwrapped the red paper until he revealed a purple cloth with light blue swirls. It had belonged to Arthur's mother and had been one of the last gifts she had received, the Christmas before her car crash. She had looked at the cloth and laughed, had said the colours were so bright that they needed someone prettier than her to pull them off. After her death, Arthur had held onto the fabric because it reminded him of one of the last real laughs he had heard from her. She had died just a few days into the new year.

“Is that a cloth? Who would give you that? That's not cool, the gifts are supposed to be handmade,” Gwen said, looking disapprovingly at the piece of fabric.

“It's the thought that counts,” Merlin mumbled and turned the cloth in his hands, his fingers gliding over it as if he could sense it had some kind of hidden past.

“Oh, and how much thought went into that?” Gwen said accusingly. Arthur felt ashamed, hoping his cheeks weren't as red as they felt to him and would give him away. He knew his gift sucked, but he knew the fabric was as soft as Merlin’s hair looked like.

“Where is yours?” Valiant suddenly asked and only now Arthur realised that Mrs. Mora was done handing out the gifts.

“Helen,” only Valiant would actually call her by her first name, “Arthur didn't get a gift.”

“Oh no, maybe whoever got you forgot about it,” she said and looked over to the empty chair in their circle, which belonged to Cenred; Cenred who preferred smoking outside by the dumpsters instead of attending communications class and therefore missed every other week.

“I'm sorry we have nothing for you this week, Arthur. Hopefully this won't happen again. Don't forget, this class might be more relaxing than most of your other classes, but it's still mandatory to attend and so is this game of Secret Santa,” Mrs. Mora tried to sound strict even though all the people listening to her were here anyway and therefore not really the people she wanted to address.

Arthur only half listened himself. He didn't care about not receiving a gift; after the bad one he just gave Merlin, he didn't deserve better.

That's why he was so surprised to find an envelope taped to his locker when he got there after going to the loo after class. He opened it and found a piece of striped paper in it that looked like it had been ripped from a notebook. On it was a sketch of Yoda, wearing his Jedi robes with a lightsaber in his hands. On the lightsaber was written, in neat, tiny letters: Fear is the path to the dark side. Happy holidays, your Santa.

The sentence struck a chord within Arthur. Could whoever had drawn this for him - he was pretty sure it hadn't been Cenred - know about Arthur's secret? One thing was for sure: They were really talented; even though it was only a sketch, the details looked amazing and they must have listened to him when Arthur had talked about his love for Star Wars earlier in the semester.

With a smile on his face, he put the sketch back into the envelope and put it in his backpack before quickly getting his jacket and scarf out of his locker. Next week he would do better for Merlin.

***

On Monday, Arthur felt as if he constantly crossed paths with Merlin. Had their lockers always been this close to one another, just eight lockers apart? How had he never noticed Merlin before? And had they always sat so close to one another during lunch? Their tables were next to each other, but Arthur had never really cared about the tables surrounding his, always busy talking about football and other stuff with his friends and occasionally Morgana.

Arthur tried to tell himself that the only reason he was so aware of Merlin now was the fact that he had to make Merlin a better gift than the previous week and it had nothing to do with Merlin intriguing Arthur in any way.

Arthur had unsuccessfully tried to find out more about Merlin on the weekend, but all his cyberstalking had been fruitless. He had found Merlin on Facebook - at least he had thought so; the profile pic showed someone with dark curly hair burrowing their face into a cat’s soft fur - but all the information had been private and Arthur had not dared sending Merlin a friend request.

Instead he had come up with another plan once he had realised his math teacher, Mrs. Collins, was also supervising the school's knitting club on Mondays. The plan worked especially well when she gave the class several math exercises as homework.

So after his last class of the day, Arthur went to the room where the knitting club usually met to ask Mrs. Collins for help with his homework, which she happily agreed to probably worrying why Arthur, one of her best students in class, suddenly needed a tutor. After a few minutes of explaining, she agreed to let Arthur stay in case he had another question.

His plan seemed to work when the knitters started to arrive in the classroom. Arthur looked up from his homework just in time to see Merlin stop in the doorway and look at Arthur, his head cocked to the side as if he was trying to make sense of Arthur being here.

“Come on, Merlin,” Gwen said as she broke the spell that had locked Arthur's and Merlin’s eyes for a second. “Help me move the tables.”

“Sure,” Merlin said and Arthur wondered if Merlin really was blushing or if the lights were misleading him as the knitters started moving the tables towards the walls of the room, all except for the one occupied by Arthur. Once they were done, they sat down on the floor in a semicircle and unpacked their knitting stuff.

“Merlin, your trousers look so cool. Who would have thought you could actually use that cloth? You are so creative,” Freya, a girl Arthur recognised from his history class, said.

Arthur looked down Merlin’s long, outstretched legs and his eyes stopped immediately when he recognised what Freya was talking about. There was Arthur's gift, sewn into the seams of Merlin’s jeans.

“Isn't he?” Gwen said as she unpacked whatever she was working on. Arthur couldn't recognise the shape just yet. “Merlin’s going to make me trousers just like that once he's done with his current project.”

“Speaking of project, what are you even working on, Merlin? Red, yellow and gold? Those aren't your usual colours Merlin,” Vivian asked.

“Nothing, just some idea I had,” Merlin replied and looked over at Arthur before he quickly looked away again. “Let's start knitting, I need to finish this.”

And so the group started, which, however, didn't stop them from talking. Arthur listened in as he pretended to work on his homework, hoping he would hear anything that could help him with Merlin’s next gift. Sadly, that didn't work so well.

During the one hour-long club meeting, Arthur found out a lot of things - like, for example, that Gwen had a crush on Lance, one of Arthur's football buddies - but Merlin stayed mostly quiet, his whole concentration fixated on whatever he was creating. He chipped in when the others asked him something, but didn't start any conversation himself. Sometimes he shook his head and chuckled when one of the girls mentioned a boy she thought was cute, which made Arthur wonder what kind of boys caught Merlin’s attention. Was he into artsy guys, like he was himself, or would he go for someone sporty, like Arthur?

Eventually the knitters started to pack whatever they had all been working on and one after another they left the room. Arthur waited another minute or two before he, too, fled the classroom, thanking Mrs. Collins for her supposed help.

The weather outside was dreadful. Despite his warm clothing, Arthur could feel the cold seeping in as he hurried to get to his car, which he had parked next to the football field.

“Let go of me, asshole!” a scream suddenly pierced the silence. The voice sounded like Merlin’s.

Arthur turned around towards the general direction of the noise. At first, he couldn't see anything; it was already dark outside and the parking spaces weren't that well lit.

“I said, let go!” This time Arthur could hear Merlin’s voice even clearer and recognised the direction better. There, over by the dumpsters, Arthur could recognise the shape of a group of people.

“Hey,” Arthur shouted instinctively and started running. The closer he got, the more obvious the situation became. Merlin was on the ground, his legs, clearly recognisable by the purple fabric, kicking as someone held him down. Another person was holding onto his kicking feet, trying to untie his shoes.

“Let go of him,” Arthur was nearly there when the boys - Arthur could see a third one now - realised he was storming their way. They quickly let go and hurried away, leaving an angry and embarrassed Merlin behind.

“Shit, are you ok?” Arthur asked and crouched down next to Merlin.

“I'm fine,” Merlin’s voice was laced with venom. “You can leave now, there’s nothing to see here.”

“Let me help you up,” Arthur answered instead, holding his hand out for Merlin to take. Merlin took it after a second of hesitation. He winced as he got up and Arthur was about to ask a second time if he was okay when he suddenly realised what the boys had done. They had not hurt Merlin, they simply wanted to embarrass him by stealing his shoes. Tomorrow they will probably find them hanging from the pole in front of the school for everyone to see.

“Shit, they took your shoes,” Arthur stated the now obvious and stared at Merlin’s feet. They were only covered by a pair of colourful socks, light blue with penguins in red scarves and hats on them. He wanted to giggle at the sight of them, but feared this reaction wouldn’t go well with Merlin’s current mood.

“Yeah, my favourite pair,” Merlin let go of Arthur's hand. “And they made me miss my bus.”

“I can drive you,” Arthur offered quickly. He didn't know why, but he suddenly didn't want to part ways with the other boy just yet. Maybe his protective instinct had kicked in.

“I can wait for the next bus. Or walk.”

“Without shoes? It's freezing and there is snow everywhere.” Merlin didn't reply so Arthur just started walking. “Come on, my car is over there,” he pointed towards the football field. After a second of hesitation, Merlin followed him. Arthur quickly opened the door for Merlin, throwing a few CDs and other stuff to the backseat to clear the space for Merlin.

“Thank you,” the dark haired boy said once he was inside the car. He shimmied out of his coat and winter gear before he leaned forward to remove his socks. “You don't mind? It’s a bit uncomfortable to wear wet socks.”

“No,” Arthur answered and fiddled with the heat control. “Your feet should get warm in a minute”.

“Thanks,” Merlin wiggled his toes and Arthur's gaze was drawn to them. Merlin had pretty feet with long, but not too skinny toes and a high arch. They were also surprisingly free of hair. Arthur had a hard time looking away as he felt something shift in his belly. Since when did he have a thing for feet? Or Merlin?

“I live on Ealdor Street, house number 13,” Merlin said and Arthur realised he still hasn't started the car. “Do you know where that is?” With a nod, Arthur started the engine and slowly backed out of the parking space and onto the street. He had once visited a friend that lived on Ealdor Street, so he knew how to get there.

“Do you always take the bus home?” Arthur asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Sometimes. Sometimes I have to walk when I miss the bus and don’t feel like waiting on the next one.”

“That's quite a walk,” Arthur was surprised by that. Ealdor Street was on the other side of town, even further away than his own street.

“I don't mind. The fresh air is nice and it helps me get my creative juices flowing. When I'm on the bus I usually use the time to work on some projects.”

“Yeah, I saw you knitting something. I liked the colours even though I have no idea what it's supposed to be. Are you making it for someone special?” Arthur asked as he stopped at a traffic light.

“Yeah,” was all Merlin said. Arthur wondered who this special person was. Was it a guy? A guy that Merlin fancied?

“So, how is your Secret Santa gift coming along?” Merlin asked, seemingly innocent, but Arthur’s heart nearly stopped at the question anyway. Did he know Arthur had drawn his name? Probably not, otherwise he might have said something already. Or maybe Merlin just wasn’t the kind of guy to embarrass anyone by mentioning their shortcomings.

“I’m... ” Arthur said, unsure how to reply, “working on it. I wasn’t quite happy with what I produced last week, but I’m trying to do better this time.” By now Merlin must at least suspect Arthur was the one who had drawn his name. Instead of saying so, though, he only told Arthur “I was lucky to draw Gwen’s name. She is very easy to please and I know exactly what she likes.”

“Yeah, it’s easier if you are already friends with the person you drew,” Arthur agreed with Merlin and pulled into Ealdor Street. Judging from the numbers, Merlin’s home must be on the end of the street.

“Do you wish you had drawn Valiant’s name? I mean I guess you didn’t,” Merlin asked and Arthur snorted.

“God, no! I’m not really friends with Valiant, actually, we’re just both on the football team.”

Somehow, Merlin seemed to be pleased by that statement. “That's my place,” Merlin suddenly said and Arthur had to hit the brakes so he wouldn't drive past the small house. Merlin chuckled. “Thanks for the ride. Do you maybe want to come inside?”

“Why would I do that?” Arthur must have sounded harsher than he intended to because Merlin’s smile vanished from his face and was replaced by a frown.

“I'm not going to jump you,” he said, hurt clearly laced into his voice. He opened the door and was out of the car before Arthur could even explain his reaction. Arthur saw Merlin sprint to the front door, his bare feet touching the icy cold pavement as if he was walking on hot coals. His socks! He forgot his socks in Arthur's car. Arthur wanted to shout after him, but by the time he saw them curled up on the passenger seat Merlin had already vanished through the door.

“Fuck,” Arthur mumbled as he stared at the happy penguins. He really fucked up again.

***

Arthur felt like a massive jerk on his way home. He had meant to help Merlin and get to know him a little better. Instead he had managed to hurt the other boy just like all the other assholes at school.

His mood didn't improve and even his dad's mushroom lasagne couldn't help with that. Morgana kept looking at him sideways, but for once didn't actually say anything.

“Have you figured out what to do for Merlin this week?” Uther finally asked. “I know last week didn't quite work out the way you wanted it to, but you can always join the workshop again.”

“Who’s Merlin?” Morgana asked.

“Just a boy from school. I drew his name at Secret Santa.”

“Just a boy?” Morgana asked. Was she hinting at something? Did she know Arthur's secret? They were twin, and, yes, sometimes she had this uncanny ability to know Arthur better than he knew himself, an ability they both shared.

“We are making animal ornaments,” Uther said and stopped Morgana from asking any more questions.

“I'm going,” Morgana said, still looking at Arthur in a cryptic way, even though she seemed to have dropped the boy subject for now.

“I'm going to make a spider for my biology project. We’re supposed to hold presentations on misunderstood animals,” Morgana explained and Uther beamed at her.

“And you decided on a spider because…?” Arthur asked his sister. Morgana had always been like this; popular and strong while still proud to be different. Sometimes Arthur envied her for her ability to be completely herself, no matter what people thought of her.

“Spiders are probably the most misunderstood creatures of them all. Don't worry, I'm going to make a colourful one so the boys in class won't get scared. You could make one too, for Merlin,” she said with a wink.

“What a wonderful idea! Spiders are also the patrons of knitters, did you know? Perfect for your Merlin,” Uther said, sounding far too cheery for Arthur.

“Your Merlin” Morgana smirked and Arthur groaned. Where was the crack in the ground, ready to swallow him, when he needed it.

“Not my Merlin; he is just a …” Arthur tried to explain, but Morgana cut him off.

“Just a boy you drew at Secret Santa, I know. I think I know him after all. Cute, skinny, obviously gay. You could make him a rainbow spider.”

“Yes, both my children, at my workshop, making rainbow spiders,” Uther’s exclaimed excited. His smile said it all, there was no backing out now. Guess Arthur was going to make a rainbow spider.

***

Arthur had to admit that making rainbow spiders with Morgana was surprisingly much more fun than he thought it would be. Growing up, they had been inseparable, like most twins, but between Arthur's football practice and Morgana’s attempts to overthrow their school’s patriarchy, they hadn't spent much time together. Usually she was the one person he could come to to talk about stuff and he had missed hanging out with her. What he hadn't missed was her attempts at getting her way.

One minute he was finishing Merlin’s rainbow spider, the next he was covered in glitter after Morgana had argued the spider needed to sparkle some more, because apparently the animal being rainbow coloured was not enough yet. And of course that meant not only the spider, but also Arthur - he didn't believe Morgana for one second when she claimed it had been an accident - got showered in sticky glitter that would probably stick to him for days.

“Don’t make such a face, baby brother,” Morgana chuckled. “I swear, I didn't mean to cover you as well.”

“You do realise you are only 7 minutes older than me,” Arthur said as he tried to wipe off some of the glitter from his face, only for it to get stuck to his fingers. He could see the amusement on several old ladies’ faces as they watched the siblings. At least Grunhilda took pity on him as she produced some wet wipes from her purse and started to clean him up like a baby. Morgana was full on laughing by now, clearly enjoying this moment way too much.

“Don't be like this, Arthur. And look at the spider, don't you think Merlin would like it even better now?”

Arthur had to admit, Merlin would probably really like the sparkly rainbow spider best.

“It looks much lovelier than your monkey,” even Grunhilda agreed. “This Merlin must be a special boy for you to make such an effort. If only my little Elena could find someone like you.”

Arthur blushed even harder than he already did at the situation he was in. Morgana kept sending him knowing looks and something uncomfortable settled in Arthur's stomach. They all saw him as this nice guy, but the truth is he had hurt Merlin and not even a rainbow spider could make up for the fact he had been an idiot. There was only one thing he could think of to apologize to Merlin.

“Dad, I need your help,” Arthur said once Grunhilda was done deglittering him the best she could and all the ladies had left.

“Sure, son, what do you need?” Uther asked and so Arthur finally told him what had happened on Monday. Morgana was wiping down the work table - Uther’s punishment for the glitter attack - but it was clear she was listening as well.

“So you want me to drive you to school, with a ladder, so you can climb up the pole to get Merlin’s shoes back?” Uther said when Arthur was finished retelling Monday’s events.

“Yes?” Arthur said, a bit unsure. He couldn't quite read his father.

“Ok, let me just get the ladder. Morgana, are you done? There should be something to fix the ladder to the roof of the car in one of the drawers over there,” Uther said and without waiting for a reply from his two children, he went over to the closet that held all the repair tools the shop had.

Morgana opened the drawer and took the some special ropes out of it. “You know, brother, that might actually be one of the nicest things you have ever done for anyone. Merlin really must be special.”

There was no teasing in her voice or any question, just a surprisingly soft look on her face. In that moment Arthur knew that Morgana was probably already in on his secret and that she would understand and listen to him when he was ready to talk to her about it.

“Let’s go, kids, before it gets too late,” Uther walked back into the room with a big ladder and some kind of long wooden stick in his arms. Arthur rushed to his dad to take the ladder from him and they all closed the building and went to their car, where they fixed the ladder to the roof so they could transport it.

Arthur was silent for most of the car ride over to school. Morgana and Uther were talking about Morgana’s intention to run for student president next year, but his own mind was filled with Merlin and what he was about to do for him.

Once they arrived at the school, Arthur quickly walked over to the pole and started climbing the ladder before either of his family members arrived at his side.

“Be careful,” his dad said and put his arms around one of the ladder legs in case it started to wobble. Morgana held onto the wooden staff until Arthur reached the top and she had to hand it over in order for Arthur to reach the shoes. There were several pairs tied up there and Arthur had to poke several of them in order to get to Merlin’s. They all fell down and Morgana picked them all up and arranged them around the pole for their owners to find.

“Those are his,” Arthur said as he finally reached Merlin’s pair, the last one. Morgana mused as she collected the black shoes with purple laces and a butterfly stitched onto them.

Once Arthur had climbed down again and they had fixed the ladder back to the roof, his dad drove over to the address Arthur gave him. There were still some lights on when they arrived. Arthur suddenly became nervous; he had no idea what he should say to Merlin. Morgana handed him the shoes and pretty much kicked him out of the car before he could chicken out.

Taking a deep breath, he rang the bell. There was some commotion inside and after a minute the door opened to reveal a woman with the same blue eyes as Merlin’s and a kind smile on her face.

“Hello, my name is Arthur. Is Merlin home?” Arthur asked her.

“Hello, Arthur, I'm Hunith,” she turned around and said a bit louder “Merlin, someone's here to see you.”

Before Arthur could think too much about still standing in front of the open door and probably letting a lot of cold wind in, Merlin walked up to him. He stopped dead once he recognised Arthur, a confused look on his face.

“What are you doing here? And why is there glitter on your nose?”

Arthur’s hand flew to his face in an instant, covering his nose with it, which meant he now had a pair of shoes tangling in front of his face. He was saved from explaining his situation by a loud, happy squee leaving Merlin’s lips.

“My shoes! You got my shoes back! But… how?” he asked and took the shoes from Arthur.

“With a ladder. My dad drove me to school.”

Merlin nodded and looked at Arthur for a second, as if he was searching for some kind of further explanation.

“Do you want to come inside?” he finally asked, just like he did on Monday.

“No,” Arthur answered and quickly added when he saw the smile drop from Merlin’s face, “I can't. My dad and sister are waiting in the car.”

As if he had heard Arthur's words Uther suddenly honked and started waving at the boys. Morgana did the same and Arthur could nearly hear the glee in her laughter. Merlin waved back.

“Your family sounds cool,” he smiled.

“And embarrassing,” Arthur added and Merlin snorted at the reply. The reaction, as unsexy as it's supposed to be, nearly turned Arthur’s knees to jello.

“I should go. But hey, do you ever shop at Creative's Camelot, for your knitting stuff?”

“Yeah, I love the selection of wool they have there.”

“My dad owns the place. It belonged to my mom. Next time you go there, tell them you're a friend of mine. You should get some discount.”

“Thank you, I will. And thank you for bringing my shoes back,” Merlin wiggled them.

“You're welcome. I really need to go now, but see you at school tomorrow,” Arthur said.

“Bye, Arthur and thank you again,” Merlin closed the door and Arthur hurried back to the car.

“He is cute,” Morgana said. Arthur groaned as his dad started to chuckle.

***

The next morning, Arthur didn't linger in front of Mrs. Mora's office Instead he quickly dropped of his gift, confident that Merlin would like it.

Lunch was nothing unusual. Arthur looked out for Merlin, but couldn't see him anywhere; not that he would have known what to do if he had caught sight of the other boy.

“Arthur, are you listening?” Leon asked.

“Sorry, what?” Arthur had to admit, he had no idea what his football buddies had been talking about.

“We wanted to know if we should meet up for some extra practice during the holidays?” Percy asked.

“Oh yeah, sure. We should do that,” Arthur answered quickly.

“Are you ok? You have a bit of a lost puppy look on your face,” Leon mused. “Is there something you are looking for? Or someone?”

“You look like Lance whenever he has a crush on someone; kind of love sick,” Percy joked.

“Shut up,” Lance laughed, even as a blush started to redden his cheeks.

Was Arthur crushing on Merlin? Arthur didn't quite know what he was feeling. It was easy to pretend his interest in the other boy was just sparked by the Secret Santa exchange; he had to watch Merlin close to make sure he wouldn't fuck up another present. But the truth was, over the last two weeks of watching, he couldn't deny how pretty Merlin was and how interesting he found the other boy.

“Earth to Arthur? Damn, you are useless today. The bell is going to ring any second now, so you should finish your sandwich,” Leon said.

Arthur ignored most of his statement and stuffed the last bit of his lunch into his mouth so he could get ready for the next class. He really needed to get his head back into the game.

***

Arthur arrived just in time for Secret Santa to start and dropped into his usual seat with Valiant sitting next to him.

Two more students arrived after Arthur and when they all sat in their usual circle, Mrs. Mora started to hand out the gifts. Merlin was among the first ones to get his and Arthur tried not to watch too obviously as he started to unwrap it.

A delighted laugh filled the room as Merlin untangle the spider and moved it with his hands until its many legs jiggled.

“Aw, how cute is that,” Gwen sounded delighted, obviously glad her friend had gotten a better gift this week. “It's so colourful and even glitters!”

Merlin looked up and caught Arthur’s eyes, a strange look passing his face, and suddenly his smile grew even bigger. Arthur realised Merlin had seen him with glitter on his nose yesterday, but before he could do anything more than blush Valiant huffed “Someone got him a gay spider, dude that's epic.”

Arthur really wished he could punch Valiant in the face, but he knew he would get into more trouble for attacking someone than Valiant would get for running his mouth.

Mrs. Mora handed Arthur his gift with a smile. “Looks like your Secret Santa didn’t forget about you this week,” she looked towards Cenred’s empty chair with confusion.

Arthur knew Cenred wasn’t the one who made him the drawing last week, he was pretty sure Cenred wasn’t creative enough to draw like that. Opening his gift pretty much confirmed his suspicion as he found a small, handmade bracelet in it. The bracelet was mostly a silvery grey with red and blue threads running through the material. Whoever made it must be really talented.

“Dude, is that a friendship bracelet? That’s so gay!” Valiant, like always, had to destroy the moment. Arthur flinched at the words internally and saw Merlin’s sad look; he must have heard what Valiant had said. Instead of putting it on, Arthur put it in his pocket; he rationalised it by telling himself it was because he was heading to football practice right afterwards and would need to remove it anyway, but part of him knew it was because of Valiant words.

***

Arthur got home late that night. Practice had run late and he was hungry and exhausted by the time he walked in the front door. His dad was in the kitchen, finishing dinner, and even Morgana sat in the same room for once, working on homework on the kitchen counter.

“How did the exchange go? Did he like the spider?” Morgana asked, looking up from whatever she had been writing.

“Yeah, I think he did. Even his best friend liked it,” Arthur said and dropped his bag with his football clothes next to the counter.

“You know where the washing machine is Arthur,” his dad greeted him with a poignant look at the bag. “But you do look exhausted, so you can leave it here for now. I will only do laundry after dinner anyway.”

“What are you making, dad?” Arthur asked and sat down next to his sister.

“Oh, just some new casserole recipe I found online. You can help if you want to.”

“No thanks,” Arthur replied absentmindedly, he was too damn exhausted to even lift a finger.

“Ugh, Arthur, didn’t you shower after practice? You smell like a locker room,” Morgana complained and shoved Arthur a little.

Arthur was tempted to remove his dirty jersey and rub it all over Morgana, but didn’t actually react. Instead he dropped his head onto the counter.

“Are you alright?” Morgana asked, concerned, the annoyed sibling look gone from her face.

“Yeah, just exhausted. Today was a long day,” Arthur mumbled into his arms.

“So what did you get from your Secret Santa? Anything nice?”

Morgana seemed to have abandoned her homework for now, giving her brother her full attention. Arthur sighed and lifted his head high enough to move his hand towards his pocket, where the bracelet still pressed against Arthur’s thigh.

“That’s pretty,” Morgana took the bracelet from Arthur to study it more closely. “The blue is the exact same shade as your eyes. Whoever made it clearly has talent and a great eye for details.”

“Put it on and show it to me, son,” Uther said and Morgana fastened it around Arthur’s wrist.

Arthur got up and walked towards his father, who was standing in front of the oven. He held his wrist out for his dad to inspect.

“Morgana’s right, that’s the same blue as the Pendragon eyes; impressive. Whoever made this is clearly talented, not only can they draw, but also craft. Do you have any guess who it is?”

The first person Arthur thought of was Merlin. Merlin was talented and creative and clearly liked to craft things. He had never really seen Merlin draw anything, but maybe he was one of those kids who always doodled all over their notebook instead of taking notes. But even if he could draw like that, there was no reason for him to make something for Arthur. Arthur knew Merlin had drawn Gwen’s name at the Secret Santa exchange, so he had no reason to be a Secret Santa for two people.

“Dad, what kind of workshop do you have next week?” Arthur asked, mostly to stop his mind from constructing any more what ifs, but also because he needed to make one more gift for Merlin and it needed to be great.

“Oh, we are making christmas tree ornaments out of pine cones,” his dad said cheerily and Morgana rolled her eyes in the background, obviously not looking forward to putting any of those on their christmas tree.

“Well, that's not helpful, dad. I can't make him Christmas tree ornaments, it's supposed to be religion free. Who knows if they have a Christmas tree, maybe he’s Jewish.”

“Well, I guess you have to come up with something on your own then,” his dad said as if it was as simple as that.

“What if I can’t come up with anything?”

“I believe you will,” Uther looked into the oven. “Dinner is nearly ready, you can start getting the table ready. And Morgana, seeing as you are not doing your homework anyway, how about you help your brother?”

Both Arthur and Morgana groaned, but did what Uther asked them to.

***

When Arthur arrived in school on Monday, he still had no idea what to make for Merlin, so he decided to stay late again, asking Mrs. Collins to help him with his homework once more and assuring her he did not fall back in class. He used all those extra football practice as an excuse, which Mrs. Collins accepted, even though she did not look happy about it.

He sat down on the same table as last time and only half heartedly did his homework as he listened to the knitters going on and on about music, boys and knitting techniques. Before today, Arthur hadn't known there was more than one way to knit, but apparently the knitters all had their own style and opinion and liked to argue about them.

When knitting was nearly over, Arthur excused himself, telling Mrs. Collins how much he appreciated her help before hurrying out of the room to wait for Merlin in the parking lot. There was less snow on the ground than last week, but still the wind was cold and harsh. Arthur wrapped his scarf tighter around his neck as he watched the knitters all say goodbye to each other, the majority of them walkinged one direction and Merlin walking the other way to get to the bus stop.

“Hey,” Arthur called out for Merlin and he could see Merlin freeze in shocked surprise for a second; not exactly how Arthur had planned this. He came closer so Merlin would see him better.

“Oh, it's only you. Hi Arthur. Mrs. Collins must be a strict maths teacher for you to need so much help.” There was a twinkle in his eyes that looked nearly mischievous.

“Oh yeah, not really, actually. I just had a hard time concentrating at maths lately,” Arthur replied, shrugging his shoulders. “Football practice and stuff.”

“Is that so? And here I thought you maybe had someone special on your mind to distract you so much.”

Was Merlin flirting with him? Arthur blushed and hoped it wasn't that noticeable to Merlin. Merlin chuckled at that, that light and happy sound Arthur started to associate with him.

“I should go, my bus should be here any minute now and I don't want to miss it,” Merlin said, his mouth turning slightly down, maybe at the prospect of parting ways so soon.

“Actually, that's why I’ve waited for you. Do you want a ride home? My car is probably warmer than the bus.”

Merlin’s mouth turned up again. “And it most definitely has better company. So sure, lead the way.”

This time Arthur was sure Merlin was flirting with him. He led Merlin over to his car, which he had parked pretty close to the bus stop so he wouldn't miss Merlin. He opened the door for Merlin, who snickered and called him a real gentlemen. Arthur never thought a person could make him as flustered as Merlin did.

“So, how was practice,” Arthur asked as he navigated his car out of the parking lot.

“Practice?” Merlin asked him, confused. He had once again shed his coat and had draped it over his lap.

“You know, knitting practice,” Arthur attempted at small talk. Merlin started to laugh loudly, not the cute, happy laugh from earlier, but a full body laugh that shook the seat and sounded more like a farm animal.

“Sorry,” he said between fits of laughter. “It's just, it's not practice, it's just knitting. You can call it a class or meet up or whatever, but it's most definitely not practice. Not like you have football practice.”

Merlin’s laughter quieted down, but there was still amusement in his voice.

“You know I play football?” Arthur was surprised, Merlin didn't seem like the kind of guy who would attend any school sport events.

“Of course I know. You're the captain of the team and you mentioned it a few times.” That one of those times had been only moments ago was left unsaid, even as Arthur realised that he had talked about football quite a bit in class.

“Besides, Gwen has a thing for one of your team mates so she sometimes drags me along to watch you guys practice. Not that I mind,” Merlin added with a wink.

There was this flirting tone again that sent butterflies flying through Arthur's belly. He had never felt like this before. The rest of the car ride was filled with simple chit chat and Merlin’s flirting. Too soon they arrived in front of Merlin’s home, but Merlin didn't make a move to leave.

“Don't you want to invite me again?” Arthur asked, with more courage than he actually felt in that moment. Merlin smiled.

“Do you want to come inside?” he asked and Arthur nodded eagerly. “Then let's go.” Merlin was out of the car and on his way to the house without turning back, trusting Arthur not to freak out and join him instead.

“My parents aren't home yet,” Merlin said as he pushed the key into the lock and opened the front door. Turning the lights on, he led Arthur into the kitchen once they removed their coats and shoes. “Do you want some hot chocolate?” he asked and moved towards a kitchen cabinet to get two cups.

“Sure,” Arthur said. He couldn't remember the last time he’d had hot chocolate; probably as a child. The Pendragons were more of a tea drinking family. Merlin put on the kettle and went over to another drawer to get the chocolate and marshmallows.

“Are those unicorn marshmallows?” Arthur asked, delighted, and Merlin nodded.

“Yeah, they go better with the white chocolate. White on white is boring. Just like with fashion, you need to switch it up a little sometimes.”

“You know, my sister would love you for that comment.”

“Not quite who I was going for, but I'm taking the compliment,” Merlin said with a wink and Arthur was saved from replying by the kettle. He wondered how many more times Merlin would make him blush before his face finally got the message that enough was enough.

“So, do you have any siblings?” Arthur asked when Merlin was done pouring the two cups and handed one over.

“No, it's just me and my parents. Actually, my mom raised me on her own for most of my life. She and my dad got separated before she could even tell him she was pregnant and they only met again a few years ago. They married last year,” Merlin said and took a sip. There was a glow in his eyes as he talked about his family.

“What about you? I've seen your father and sister, any more family members?” he asked.

“No, it's just the three of us. My mom died about two years ago in a car crash, some drunk driver hit her car and drove her of the road,” Arthur answered truthfully and took another sip himself; the hot chocolate was good and all the sweetness made Arthur feel nearly light hearted, despite the heavy conversation they were having.

“I'm sorry, that must have been hard.”

“It was. My dad was devastated, I don't think he would have had the will to go on if it hadn't been for my sister and I. He quit his job as a lawyer and took over my mom's shop instead. I think it's his way of still being close to her.” ***

“Sounds like he loved her very much,” Merlin sounded surprisingly sincere.

“He did, he does. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a love like theirs,” Arthur didn't know why he said the last part. Merlin seemed to study him for a second, waiting for something, before he finally said. “Maybe you are on the right path already?”

Arthur looked up from his mug just as Merlin started to lean closer. There was a moment of hesitation, as if Merlin, who had so shamelessly flirted with Arthur before, was waiting for Arthur to take the last step. With a thundering heart and nerves that felt like they were lit on fire, Arthur leaned towards Merlin as well until their lips touched softly.

It wasn't a big kiss, more like a small peck. Despite his earlier flirty behaviour, Merlin seemed to be as new to this as Arthur. Merlin sighed against his lips before he pulled away, not much, just enough to stare into Arthur's eyes, seemingly looking for something. Arthur didn't know what Merlin was searching for, only knew he wanted to feel Merlin’s lips again, so he pressed forward once more, with less hesitation this time.

Their second kiss was even better than the first one. Merlin’s lips were soft, softer than Arthur thought they would be. He wanted to be closer to the other boy, wanted to feel his body pressed against him, so he pulled back once more. Merlin’s eyes opened, confusion clearly visible in them, but Arthur didn't explain, had no idea how to. Instead of using words, he used his body language as he got up from his seat to take a step forward, till he was standing right in front of Merlin. Merlin opened his legs, seemingly on instinct, and Arthur stepped between them.

He let one hand rest against Merlin’s chest, glad to feel the others boy's heart was racing as fast as his own heart was. The other one he brought to Merlin’s cheek, stroking the soft, slightly pink skin there, before it moved towards Merlin’s hair, seemingly on its own. Arthur wanted to weep with joyin when he could finally confirm that yes, Merlin’s dark curls felt like silk between Arthur's fingers.

He looked deep into Merlin’s warm blue eyes, finding nothing but wonder in them. He had to kiss him again.

This time it was less innocent and infinitely more passionate, their lips meeting in a heated flurry. Arthur could feel Merlin’s teeth, biting softly into his bottom lip until he opened his mouth and felt Merlin’s tongue, nearly shyly, push in. It was weird and wonderful and scary and amazing all at once and Arthur never wanted to stop.

***

Arthur arrived in school on Tuesday feeling all jiggly. His brain kept on replaying last night's kiss over and over again and Arthur wondered if he looked as distracted as he felt. Merlin had kissed him. He had kissed Merlin. He’d had his first kiss and it was all he had dreamed of and even more.

He still couldn't wrap his mind around the previous night. When he had arrived home, Morgana kept on smirking at him as if she’d known exactly what had happened and Arthur had been so close to telling her the truth, but even though he most definitely wanted to repeat the kissing part, he wasn't quite ready to tell people about it. That would mean coming out and just hearing Valiant and guys like him talking trash about gay people made him feel like hiding away forever.

He barely remembered his classes when he walked over to his locker to get his football gear and drop his school stuff off. Opening the locker he accidentally dropped the books he had been holding in his hands.

“Let me help you,” a familiar voice said, happiness evident in the melody of it.

Merlin had picked up the books before Arthur even realised he had dropped them; now he was standing next to Arthur and holding them for Arthur to take.

“Hi,” Merlin said, not caring that a bunch of people stopped across from them. It was Lance and some others from the football team, probably waiting for Arthur so they could all go to practice together and Arthur's heart dropped. He could only imagine their confusion about seeing the two of them together. Merlin wasn't one of them and Arthur, Arthur wasn't like him, not in people’s eyes.

“Are you alright?” Merlin asked, his voice full of concern. He reached to touch Arthur's shoulder and Arthur flinched. He didn't mean to but he just couldn't do this; not right now, not here in front of people. He wasn't ready.

“Don't touch me,” he said, his voice sounding harder than he had intended to. Merlin dropped his hand immediately. Confusion and hurt were visible in his eyes.

“I can't do this,” Arthur tried to explain as anxiety and panic rose in his chest.

“Can't do what?” Merlin asked, his voice - which had sounded so happy just moments ago - was now just as cold, the hurt in it cutting into Arthur's heart. “Be my friend?”

“People don't know I'm… I'm not ready,” Arthur tried, unable to find words.

“I didn't do anything except talk to you.”

“That's the problem!” He realised the impact those words had on Merlin immediately. All fight and confusion seemed to leave the other boy.

“I get it, you're not ready to come out and face your team. I get it and I don't want you to if you're not ready. But if you can't even treat me as a friend, you don't deserve me as anything more. Bye Arthur,” Merlin spun on his heels, but not before Arthur saw something wet glistening in his eyes. He wanted to run after Merlin, explain why he acted the way he did, but he couldn't, not with half his team standing so close. At least they didn't seem to have heard what the fight was about. Arthur felt like a coward. Putting on a brave face, he turned to his teammates, ignoring their confused looks.

“Ready to get sweaty?”

***

Arthur couldn't sleep that night. Merlin’s words cut through his heart over and over again. The next morning he arrived at school feeling like a zombie, but with the intention of apologising to Merlin. He only needed to get to him alone, without people seeing them. But luck wasn't on his side. He didn't see Merlin all day long, they didn't have any classes together, and Arthur never spotted him in the hallway. Even at lunch, Gwen was sitting on her own without Merlin by her side, which at least gave Lance the chance to talk to her. Arthur might have mentioned the dark skinned girl with the big smile to his mate at last night's football practice.

The next day wasn't any better. It was Thursday and not only had Arthur not come up with a gift for Merlin yet, he also still couldn't find the other boy. Arthur wished he had asked for Merlin’s number at some point so he could at least try to text him, but without any contact information he was out of luck. For a second he contemplated driving by Merlin’s family home, but decided against it. If Merlin had told his parents anything about, Arthur they probably wouldn't let him in anyway.

By the time school was out and Arthur arrived at home, he felt completely defeated. He was home alone and decided to take a quick shower to maybe help him think, but his mind was blank on what to do next. He opened his sock drawer to get redressed when he saw them, Merlin’s socks. The ones he had forgotten in Arthur’s car the other day. Arthur had put them in the laundry, so he could return them in a clean state, but then he had forgotten all about them. His dad must have washed them and put them away in Arthur's drawer.

Looking at the happy penguins in scarves and hats, Arthur could feel the tears falling, unable to hold them back any longer. He had fucked up, he had fucked up so badly. He had been a jerk to Merlin because he had been scared., No wonder Merlin was avoiding him; after the way he behaved he would avoid himself too, if he could.

He needed to fix this, he needed to show Merlin how much he cared. And he needed his dad for this. With the socks still in his hand and bloodshot eyes he walked downstairs into the kitchen where he could hear his dad moving around. He must have come home while Arthur had been in the shower.

“Did you come so you could help me put the grocery away?” his dad asked, his back turned away from Arthur.

“Dad…” Uther was spinning around without letting Arthur finish the sentence. Looking at his son, he dropped the grocery bag immediately.

“Are you Ok? Did something happen to you? Are you hurt,” he stormed over to his son, wrapping him up in his arms like he had done when they were still children.

“Dad, I need your help,” Arthur sniffed into his dad's shoulder. The tears were flowing once more now that he was held so close.

“Whatever you need, son,” Uther rubbed Arthur’s back, trying to help even though he still didn't know what had made his son look like that; scared and hurt.

“Can you help me make these into a sock monkey?” Arthur asked after a few moments. He let go of his dad and showed him the socks he still held in his hands.

“Sure, of course. Is that why you bought them? I found them in the laundry and wondered, they don't exactly look like any of your other pairs.”

Uther was still standing in front of Arthur, the grocery bags all but forgotten.

“They’re Merlin’s and I need to make them into a sock monkey for him,” Arthur realised he probably didn't make much sense to his father.

“Did something happen with Merlin? Is that why you are crying? Arthur are you Ok?” his dad asked once more, concern clear on his face.

In that moment, Arthur knew he needed to tell his dad the truth, even if it scared him. Rationally, he knew his dad would never hate him for that, but just the thought of his dad maybe being disappointed in him was even scarier than telling his teammates.

“Dad, I am…,” Arthur paused and took one more deep breath before he finally said the words he had known in his heart for years. “I am gay.”

Arthur looked at Uther, his heart beating faster and faster as he waited for a reaction. After a second, the look on his dad’s face changed. Ggone was the concern; replaced by relief and warmth.

“Oh Arthur, is that what you were worried about? Arthur, I love you. You are my son and nothing will ever change that. It doesn't matter what you are or who you love, as long as you are happy, healthy, and loved. And I will always love you, so we already have one of those things covered.”

Arthur couldn't help it, he let go of a sob as he fell into his dad's arms once more.

“It's okay Arthur, it's okay,” his dad told him over and over again and Arthur had never known how much he needed to hear those words from his father.

“Is everything alright? Did someone die?” Suddenly Morgana was in the kitchen with them; neither Arthur nor Uther had heard her come home. Arthur pulled back first. Quickly rubbing his hand across his face, he knew he needed to tell his sister as well.

“I am gay,” he said. It was easier to say it a second time, now that he knew his dad was on his side.

“And we are making a sock monkey. Again,” Uther added for whatever reason.

Morgana looked at them as if she was calculating what to say next.

“Is it for Merlin?” she finally asked. Arthur nodded.

“He is more than just a friend,” Morgana stated it as a fact and not a question, still Arthur nodded in agreement once more.

“Good for you. I stalked him in school a bit last week, he’s cute. You have good taste in guys, it seems.”

Arthur couldn't help but laugh and soon Uther and Morgana joined, a happy chuckle running through the family. He had been so worried about telling people the truth when he should have known the two people he cared for the most would never judge him or love him less. Now he only needed to convince another person to give him one more chance.

“Dad, can we make that monkey now?” he asked.

“Sure, I just need to put the groceries away and make dinner…”

“I can do that,” Morgana volunteered and both men stared at her. “What? I can cook. Just because I don't usually want to doesn't mean I can't. See it as my coming out present, I'll cook so you can get your guy,” Morgana said with a wink.

As annoying as she can be, Arthur knew he couldn't ask for a better sister. So Uther quickly collected all his sewing tools - they didn't have a sewing machine at home, so they were going to make the monkey by hand - while Arthur and Morgana put most of Uther’s shopping away.

Once that was done, Morgana started to prepare dinner and Uther and Arthur sat at the opposite kitchen counter and started sewing. Arthur still wasn't any good at it and they didn't get the whole monkey done before dinner was ready, but they just finished it afterwards while Morgana drew a pattern for a tiny hat and scarf for the monkey, just like the penguins on it wore.

When it came to cutting the heart out, Arthur’s stopped, remembering the voodoo monkey that still lay around his bedroom. He quickly excused himself and ran upstairs, where he found the monkey in the top drawer of his desk, just where he had left it after the first exchange.

“He needs his heart too,” Arthur said when he walked back into the room.

His dad didn't ask any questions, just helped Arthur perform open heart surgery on the monkey. It still looked demonic, but at least now it was no longer heartless. Sitting him down next to the more colourful one, he even looked happy.

“What a cute couple,” Uther said and Arthur had to agree. Now he could only hope for tomorrow to go the way he hoped for.

***

When Arthur entered the classroom the next day, Valiant was already there, but instead of sitting in his usual seat next him, he sat down next to Mithian who looked at him for a second, but then only smiled. Arthur ignored Valiant's confused look, it was time for him to get rid of people who did not share his values.

Most students arrived before Merlin did, but sadly the other boy was so late Arthur had no chance to say anything to him before Mrs. Mora arrived and started handing out presents. Arthur was nervous. Thank god, he was among the first students to receive their gift so he could stop toying with the zipper of his bag and concentrate on removing the wrapping paper instead.

Slowly, he unraveled the present until he recognised what it was. Inside the wrapping was a red knitted beanie with a yellow and golden dragon on it. Arthur nearly teared up when he recognised it as the project Merlin had been working on and that Merlin had not only finished it in time, but had also still decided to give it to Arthur despite the way Arthur had hurt him.

Looking up, he tried to catch Merlin’s eye, but the other boy seemed to avoid looking his way.

“Wow, that's cool and it has a dragon just like your last name,” Mithian said, making small talk as if Arthur had been sitting next to her for the last few months and not for the first time today. Maybe he should have sat next to her earlier. “Whoever made this must be talented.”

“He is,” Arthur nodded and couldn't help himself when he pressed the fabric to his heart.

“Mrs. Mora, you forgot Merlin. He didn’t get any present,” Gwen said and Arthur could already see the disapproval on the teacher’s face when she realised someone had been forgotten again.

“I have Merlin’s gift,” Arthur said quickly and stood up with his bag. Quietly he removed the gift he had wrapped up in royal blue paper - nearly the same shade as Merlin’s eyes - and walked over to the other boy.

“I am sorry,” he said, but didn't add anything else, hoping his gift would be able to tell Merlin what his words couldn't. Merlin looked at him, sceptical, but started to gingerly unwrap his present until he held it in his hands, the sock monkey and Arthur's heart.

“My socks,” Merlin squealed in delight before he read what Arthur had written on the monkey's hat:; I ❤ U. Tears were glistening in his eyes and now Arthur couldn't stop himself from getting emotional as well.

“I am so sorry for the way I treated you,” Arthur said, the words nearly getting stuck in his throat. “You are amazing and talented and nice and gorgeous and…” Arthur couldn't add anything anymore because Merlin had jumped up and thrown himself into Arthur's arms.

Smelling Merlin’s hair and feeling his heartbeat next to his own, Arthur knew he no longer had any reason to fear the world's reaction. He was in love with Merlin and ready to let everyone know just how much he adored the talented boy.