Work Text:
If you’d asked Katsuki seven years ago what he imagined his ideal future to be, he’d have three words for you.
Number one hero.
He’d only realized recently how many assumptions he’d made about that dream. That he would be doing work he could be proud of, that it would be challenging but satisfying, but the most obvious one was...that he’d be happy.
His future had met all of his requirements, except the last. Not that his life was bad. That was the most frustrating thing - there was nothing he could blame it on, not like what he’d gone through with Kamino Ward and All Might’s retirement.
Why was it so difficult to get up in the morning when he had the career and position he’d always dreamed of? Alongside a person who he treasured, had put so much effort into mending his relationship with, yet now he was throwing it away -
“Kacchan?”
He hadn’t noticed Deku enter the room, and he doesn’t want to know how long he’s been there.
“What?” It comes out harsher than he intended, and Deku flinches. Serves him right for interrupting his thoughts, nearly gave him a heart attack.
“We were thinking of going to karaoke after work tonight.” Katsuki doesn’t need to look up to know Deku is wearing that stupid nervous face, the one he wears every time he asks Katsuki to do something he doesn’t want to do. “W-would you like to come with us?”
Of course. The nerd is always asking him to go to these social events to ‘get to know your colleagues better’. He might have lightened up since his school days, but this was simply too much. He had a few people here he actually wanted to spend his time with, and everyone else could go fuck themselves. If he was honest, all he wanted once he got off was to go home and take a long nap.
“Kirishima and Kaminari will be there, since they worked with us on the last mission,” Deku adds in a small, hopeful voice. Seeing Deku look so pathetic might have made him angry a long time ago, but now all it does is inspire a twinge of guilt for snapping at him.
He’s really sick of feeling like this.
He’s sick of the guilt from rejecting Deku’s endless requests to hang out.
Katsuki flips the page of the paperwork he was filling out, maintaining his silence, but clearly the nerd couldn’t take a hint. He sighs. “You know I’m not going to go.”
There’s a pause that seems to stretch out forever, Deku’s eyes boring holes into his skull.
“Yeah, I know.” Deku sounds resigned, defeated, and finally, the sound of footsteps announce his departure. Katsuki would be happy if not for that persistent guilt gnawing at his feet. He wishes the nerd would just give it up and stop asking altogether.
He glances up, and to his surprise, Deku doesn’t look downtrodden at all. There’s a determined glint in his eyes that makes Katsuki’s skin tingle with its intensity. It’s like he can see the cogs turning in his little nerd brain, the stupid strategies and plans that always seem to work out for him.
His suspicions are only further confirmed when Deku stops in the doorway and gives him that fucking pitying look, the one that once made him feel inferior and now makes him feel…weak.
“I know you aren’t this much of a jerk, as much as you’re trying to act like it.” His voice drips with so much warmth and understanding it makes Katsuki feel sick. “I…I’ve been worried about you lately.”
Oh no, they are not having this conversation. “It’s none of your business.”
“We’re partners, Kacchan, of course it’s my business.”
“I haven’t missed a single day of duty or on call.” He keeps his tone deadpan, betraying nothing. “My capture rate is just as high as it’s always been. I’ve saved your ass more times than you can count in the past.”
“And I’m very grateful, Kacchan. But you look…it’s just…I’m worried.” He breathes in, then stares him right in the eye. “As your friend.”
Katsuki glares, but the effect of said glares has gone down a lot in recent years. Deku doesn’t even flinch.
“The others have noticed too, that you won’t go out with them anymore, and I’m telling them it’s busy for you at work-”
“Didn’t ask you to do that.”
“I know. But…” He looks up, and it feels like Deku’s very expression is swallowing him whole. “If…if you’re having any trouble, I’m here.” The room’s so quiet the pitter of rain outside feels suffocating, and Katsuki’s heart feels strangely tight. Deku’s eyes don’t leave his as he speaks. “You can talk to me about anything, you know.”
He barely registers the click of the door as it shuts behind Deku, the fucking nerd always had to have the last word. As if he knew what he was going through.
Anger claws at his insides, his hands itch with the desire to blow something to pieces. He welcomes the familiar feeling, the way it burns his thoughts up from the inside out and fills him up entirely with it.
But then it stops, blocked out by a dark cloud of thought that has become increasingly familiar too. It’s your fault, anyway. You’re the real piece of shit. His hands fall to his side, his heart is still racing, but it’s as if the red anger obscuring his vision is replaced by his office in front of him, except it looks lifeless and dull.
He can’t be angry. He knows why Deku won’t give it up. He knows that Deku admires him and even values him as a friend now, but the problem is that he shouldn’t. Deku’s worry isn’t stupid, after all, he’s been rejecting him, rejecting everyone around him for months.
After all Katsuki had done, he still found it in him to hurt Izuku more…
He inhales sharply, biting his lip and curling his head onto the desk, trying to fend back the tears threatening to form. What the fuck was this supposed to be, empathy? At a time like this? Damn…he’s going to have a real break down if this continues.
But he can’t accept Deku’s help. It’s not like last time. There aren’t any misunderstandings to clear up, just ugly empty feelings that sprung up out of nowhere. No event, no trigger, just a feeling of being unworthy that honestly, he might have been trying to shield himself from for years.
Deku couldn’t save him from this even if he tried. The thought makes him want to laugh, in a twisted way.
Well, that’s it. He’s not dedicating another second thinking about pointless shit. He stares up at the clock, now reading five fifteen, and wonders if it’s too early to go home and have that nap he was thinking about…
And catches himself. What the hell? He is not the type to leave work unfinished and go home early. He never needed naps before. Get yourself the fuck together, Katsuki.
He forces his eyes open, cracks his knuckles and lets out a small burst of sparks to remind himself who he is, and gets to work.
He can’t afford to take a break or mess things up, not when he has everything he had ever wanted. He’s better than that. He’s the Number One Hero, even if he’s barely holding the position above Deku. He’s the one who’s taken down hundreds of villains. He’s the shining pillar of what it means to be strong. He’s the one who has never, ever, lost to himself.
That dull ache in his chest? Well, it’s going to have to do better than that if it wants to get Bakugou Katsuki down.
-
Two hours later, the paperwork is still lying criminally uncompleted on his desk.
Why can’t I do this?
It’s so simple. Just do it.
I can’t fucking concentrate.
It’s because you’re pathetic.
He grits his teeth and grabs the nearest page, holding it right up to his face. Read. But the words blur together no matter how many times he tries to refocus.
He stares at the clock again. He’s been doing that a lot lately, because time seems to have slowed down for him, and him alone. It’s seven twenty. The others are out there somewhere, probably moderately drunk by now, singing at the top of their lungs, and laughing together. He can almost hear it ringing in his ears, taunting him.
But then he hears it, Deku’s high pitched laugh amongst them, the one he’d always made fun of for being girly but secretly thought was kind of cute – and then the whole scene changes, and he’s transported back to the first and last group karaoke Kirishima had dragged him out to. It had been back when they were new recruits.
Kirishima and Kaminari had sung a stupid duet together to “You Got a Friend In Me”. Deku had gone with, his stupid sentimental ass, “The Start Of Something New”. All the while staring at Katsuki with his stupidly large eyes and wobbly shy smile, boosted in confidence a few levels by the alcohol. Stupid drunk nerd.
He’d never admit it, but it’d been fun. The world had been in colour back then.
For some reason, when he tries to imagine himself at the karaoke now, he can’t slot himself in it, as if he’s a broken puzzle piece. All he can see is himself watching everyone having fun as if it’s through a TV screen. He can see Deku’s face, but it isn’t smiling like in his memories, it’s resentful, glaring at him. You don’t belong.
He curls over the desk, and he buries his face in folded arms as a wave of grief rushes over him, and more horrifyingly, an intense urge to cry.
Even though he hates the eardrum-bursting music and horrible off-key singing, how people always try to get him to ‘join in’ by making him sing or giving him drinks (he’s enough of an ass when he’s sober, thanks)…even though he doesn’t really care about at least half the people there…something deep inside him wants to be there, to be happy.
But he can’t.
There’s a clang in the corridor, and Katsuki clenches up like a stiff rabbit. There was no one in the building. He’d checked. All the lights were off, and the entire place was locked up.
“Kacchan?”
Fuck, not now. His whole body is shaking, and his mind is in a complete panic, he’s not ready to see another human being until at least tomorrow morning. The papers his head were resting on are damp, and his eyes are almost definitely puffy.
He hastily tidy up the papers and is wiping his face on his sleeve when the door creaks open.
Deku stares at him.
He glares back, arm still poised halfway between his face and beside him, daring him to say something.
“Hey,” he says, like it’s just a normal day to walk in on your friend and hero partner wiping their tears in their office.
He glares harder.
Deku answers the question before he can ask it. “I didn’t see you leave, so I was worried and…left a little early.”
“No kidding, it’s not even eight.” The event must have barely started.
“It didn’t feel right without you.”
“Not like I went to every other group event.” He can’t think of a better comeback, not in this state. He just wants Deku to get out and stop making everything in his life so complicated.
“But you went to the first one. I sang a silly song to you, though I can’t really remember which one. It was fun.” Katsuki is taken aback by just how awed he is by Deku’s smile, even though he’s seen it so many times.
Why did the nerd have to remember such a stupid thing?
“I was so happy when you’d said yes to me then, even though you looked like you regretted it straight after, because I thought things would be different...” Katsuki knows what’s coming next. Deku’s going to rip into him, say that he’s an awful friend, because he is. “But then you became Number One Hero.”
“No!” he says. It’s him who’s wrong, how could Deku still think it was something to do with him not being good enough? “No, that’s…that’s not it at all.”
Deku bites his lip. “I’m not saying you have any obligation to me, or anyone else. But at least, couldn’t you at least tell me if this is a temporary issue you’re dealing with, or if you’re working on it, or…”
He’s angry that Deku could be so damn stupid, that he was blaming himself for this. The guilt is tearing into him hard enough that he almost just lets it all out, but the decade old hostility is ingrained into him by now.
“If I tell you, there is zero chance you’ll let it go.” You never fucking have.
Deku gives him a meaningful look. He’s really mastered the art of nonverbal communication in recent years. By this point they practically have created their own language between them. Deku lets the silence stretch on, standing there with the purpose and determination of a man who wouldn’t move even if the sky was crashing down on him.
Why? Why did he just keep trying even though Katsuki was such an ass to him?
He can’t take any more.
“Stop staring at me!”
Deku looks up, no judgement in his eyes, just a watching stare.
“You’ve already seen me being a fucking pathetic loser now.” His voice cracks, betraying him. “Unable to do even the most basic of tasks without having a fucking meltdown over not being at an event I declined.” Suddenly, the words are coming out, and he can’t stop them. “You probably knew all along, you’ve probably been watching and recording it all in one of your little notebooks-”
“Kacchan…”
“Are you happy that you were right? Yeah, I’m having a shitty time, and there isn’t anything you can do to fix it. Nothing’s wrong,” – explosions flare in his hands – “Nothing’s fucking wrong except for me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“Then tell me what this is!”
“I don’t know!” Deku’s yelling now, tears in his eyes, the most emotion he’s shown this entire time. “But unless you tell me, I can’t even try to help!”
“It’s…it’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing, you just admitted you were having an, I quote, ‘meltdown’! Just because it isn’t a problem you can explode away, doesn’t mean it isn’t-”
“Fuck off.” His tone is stone cold, and clearly signalling the end of the conversation.
Deku, to his credit, doesn’t get mad, but paradoxically seems to calm down. His voice shakes. “I’m here for you, like I said. I’ve been worried for you. I know that you haven’t been doing well-”
“No shit Sherlock.”
“- but I thought for a while that you were rejecting me.”
The words hit Katsuki straight in the stomach.
“I-I understood that it was probably something else, that you wouldn’t just do this for no reason, but it still…” – tears in eyes – and maybe this had been really hard on him too – “it still hurts, when you push me away like that. As if it’s the same as back then.”
He’s stopped tearing up, but the pain in his eyes is even more telling. Deku’s not trying to manipulate him into speaking, he’s just hurting himself. All that guilt about not being good enough to be Deku’s friend, and now he’s hurt him like this…
He should apologize, now, but Deku speaks before he can work up the guts.
“I-I’m sorry,” he says, and it’s so effortless Katsuki wonders how the hell he did it so easily. “I didn’t want to make you feel even worse.”
“No, it’s, well…” he stammers, struggling to get the words out. “It’s not your fault. It’s…I’m a shit.”
“What?”
“I’m a piece of shit, that’s what’s wrong,” he says.
“But you’re amazing, you’re the number one hero, you’ve worked harder than anyone, and you’ve helped save and improve so many lives-”
“That’s the problem.” He doesn’t know where this is going. But it’s the fact that he had made Deku feel like that again, that made him want to take this seriously. Whatever this exchange ends in, Deku deserves an explanation. So he stares him in his curious expression and tries to see it for what it is. “It’s…I don’t know, it’s just, a lot of things. Not feeling right lately. And it’s made me think all kinds of things, like how I don’t, you, and all this -”
He gestures around him wordlessly. God, he couldn’t just tell Deku how he didn’t think he deserved him, or these awards, or this agency. Thankfully, he seems to get it.
“Take your time, it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me everything,” Deku says soothingly, with the manner of someone not also having their own breakdown. “Say as much or as little as you want.”
He nods. Why was the nerd so good at this stuff? He couldn’t even say a simple ‘sorry’ even after all this.
“For the record,” Deku adds casually. “I’ve forgiven you for a long time, you know.”
His chest clenches, and he thinks the feeling washing over him is relief. He also thinks it shows on his face before he can hide it, because Deku looks like he’s going to laugh. “What the hell, nerd?” he says. To Deku nearly laughing at him, to Deku’s words that seemed to read his mind, and just this entire situation. “That’s not all there is to it,” he adds, to clarify. His issues don’t start and end with Deku.
“Of course not, but I just figured I’d mention it, so you don’t have to look so guilty.” The playful tone makes Katsuki feel like he’s being played, and it’s weird. Even weirder because it suddenly feels like just a normal conversation, not some impromptu afterhours talk about his issues.
“You guilted me into it.”
“Heh, sorry,” he giggles. It’s nice. Just like the laugh in his memories, and the room feels just a little warmer than before. “But this is okay, isn’t it? Just talking, like friends.”
“Yeah. This is okay.” He grins, overcome by a strange urge to make Deku laugh more. He’ll take any urge he can get, because he hasn’t really wanted to do anything for a while. “But I still have to punish you.”
He attacks him – not the way he used to, explosions and bared teeth – but pinned down on the floor, tickling. He’s long found all Deku’s weak spots, and he doesn’t stand a chance.
“Ah, Kacchan, stop, stop!” Deku is laughing hard – he stops, and Deku looks up at him, tears in his eyes, looking nothing like the strong, heroic public image he carves for himself.
“God you look pathetic,” Katsuki says, but there’s no malice in his tone.
“Kacchan,” he reprimands in a whiny voice with a pout that he sees girls pulling all the time. Except on Deku, it doesn’t make him feel sick.
And somehow, that makes Katsuki laugh to, just a barky laugh. It’s been a while since he’s laughed for real, so even that’s a miracle. And then it’s like the floodgates are opening, and he can’t hold it back.
He feels ridiculous, he’s been like this for weeks unable to crack a real smile (not that they were particularly common in the first place) but now he’s laughing himself into a shitstorm over tickling Deku to death?
And Deku is laughing too. No idea why, but he was.
When it dies down and they’re both hunched on the floor, cheek muscles aching and shaking their heads from the strangeness of the situation, he feels lighter.
“Thanks,” he says. Gratitude comes easier than apologies for now. “For being here.”
“Just living by All Might’s catchphrase.” He smiles. “So…no more hiding?”
Katsuki shrugs. “I’ll do my best, I can overcome this.”
“That’s not what I said. I mean, you tell me if you’re not feeling well, and I’ll cover your back. I mean, you go get the help you need, and I’ll be here when you’re done.”
He blinks. Who knew Deku could sound so authoritative. “Yeah.”
He remembers before the dark days he’d thought that he’d become a better person, one worthy of being Deku’s friend, but once it started the guilt came with it, though it’s hard to say, it had probably always been there, it made him give up.
It didn’t make things better, and tomorrow he’d still wake up with a dark cloud over his head, and have to struggle to get out of bed, brush his teeth and shower. But at least, he’d been given a small ray of light, a hope that he could still feel proper joy again one day.
“Let’s go home,” Deku suggests. Katsuki nods.
Deku reaches out his hand to help him up, and he takes it.
It’s a start.