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Neil felt the tension seep into his bones before Wymack had even finished the sentence. He could feel people’s eyes subtly try and shift towards him.
It was no secret how he felt about Betsy or other psychiatrists in general, and after everything that happened he wanted to speak to her even less.
But he had to. After all of the events of the past year, a request had been put in from someone higher up than coach for the whole team to have at least one extra session with Betsy this term and this time, if she deemed it necessary, she could keep them from practice and “request” that they come back for more formal sessions.
“Neil, Andrew, you’re up first,” Wymack said, looking just as frustrated with this as the rest of the team felt. He pointed a finger at Neil. “If you leave that room before Betsy says you can I’ll bench you myself.”
Neil didn’t even attempt to grind out a Yes, Coach. He just slid his hand in his pocket, fingers curling around his cell phone so tightly that he thought the plastic might crack and he left, barely aware of Andrew behind him.
Before they’d even left the foyer, a lit cigarette was pressed into Neil’s hand and Neil cupped it close to his face to inhale the acrid scent, hating how it made some of the anxiety seep away.
He crushed it out under the ball of his foot before he slid into the passenger seat of Andrew’s car.
Andrew didn’t say a word as they drove over to the medical centre and when he pulled up at the curb, he let the engine idle, not making any move to get out of the car.
“Will she actually pull me off the court?” Neil asked after a minute. After all, she’d let Andrew play when he was self-destructing and when he was tearing his way through the team, she let Seth play, knowing that when he and Allison were on a break, he was rarely sober.
Andrew looked across at him and shrugged. “How should I know?”
Neil looked back out through the front window at the medical centre with an anxious expression.
“You walked into Evermore, knowing full well what they were going to do to you. You left with your father’s people not expecting to come back out alive. But Betsy is what you’re terrified of?” he asked.
Neil faltered. When he put it like that it sounded so stupid and inconsequential.
“Psychiatrists expect you to be honest with them,” Neil said, “we both know I’ve never really been good at that.”
“No they don’t,” Andrew said as if he was stupid. “They expect you to lie and deflect and not want to deal with things. That’s literally in their job description to deal with that.”
“If I lie to her though she’ll bench me.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Neil saw Andrew roll his eyes. “I stabbed Kevin right before a game and nobody gave a shit. You think anyone is gonna be horrified by you lying or giving out half-truths?” he said bluntly. “Now get out of the car and deal with a problem that isn’t going to get you killed or maimed for once.”
Andrew got out of the car, slamming the door shut behind him and didn’t wait for Neil as he disappeared into the medical centre.
Neil pulled his set of keys out of his pocket, staring down at them. He resisted the urge to move over, start the car and just disappear for a while. But he’d promised Andrew he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t run away from his problems. Not for a few hours and not forever. Nathaniel Wesninski ran. Neil Josten doesn’t.
He pushed open the door and got out, pressing the key fob to lock the car as he headed after Andrew.
Neil had only been here twice before, but the route to Betsy’s office was fairly straight forward and when he got to her corridor, Andrew was leaning against the receptionist's desk talking away to her about the weather in the same way that Kevin spoke about Exy. He looked up as Neil came over and raised a surprised eyebrow.
“I was just thinking I’d have to report a stolen car,” he said.
“That would mean cooperating with law enforcement and we both know you wouldn’t,” Neil shot back a little too harshly but Andrew didn’t look bothered.
“You’ve got me there,” he said and it was the sort of thing he would have said when he was still on his medications, with a forced manic grin on his face and maybe even a laugh. But now he said it casually, with a bored look. And not for the first time Neil noted how strange and extreme the differences were.
The door opposite the desk opened and Betsy leant against the doorframe with a warm smile.
“Andrew, Neil, it’s good to see you,” she said like she wasn’t about to spend at least the next hour dealing with two of the most difficult people on campus.
“Hello, Bee,” Andrew said, dropping a hand on Neil’s shoulder and Neil felt himself tense despite himself and he didn’t know if it was professionalism or politeness that stopped Betsy from commenting. “Neil wants to go first.” Andrew pushed Neil forwards slightly, and Neil clenched his jaw to stop himself from telling Andrew to go fuck himself. But he knew, realistically, that if Andrew didn’t make him go first, he might not still be sitting here when Andrew came out.
“Excellent,” Betsy said, “make yourself comfortable, Andrew.” The unspoken we might be a while hung in the air.
Neil didn’t look back at Andrew as he followed her into the room and as she shut the door he took his usual seat. Letting his hands sit in his hoodie pocket, one hand closed around his keys, the other around his phone.
“I don’t suppose you’ve grown a taste for hot chocolate since I last saw you?” she asked, moving to the small stove.
“No,” Neil said flatly, not caring if it sounded impolite.
“How about tea? I’ve just bought a new brand and I need a second opinion,” she said and Neil shrugged. Wishing she would get this over and done with already.
“Sure,” he said.
“So, congratulations on winning championships,” she said, “I don’t think I got a chance to speak with you afterwards. It was a good game, I think I’m starting to understand Exy a little bit better now.”
She didn’t mention that the reason she couldn’t speak with him was that she was stopping Andrew from being arrested and then dealing with Kevin having a complete mental breakdown after Riko’s “suicide” was announced.
“Thank you,” Neil said.
Silence fell across the room as Betsy poured out two cups of tea. She set the tray on the table between them.
“Help yourself to milk and sugar,” she said as she sat down.
Neil picked up the mug closest to him, fingers curling around the handle as the other hand stayed firmly in his pocket.
“So,” she said finally. “The terms of this session are slightly different from the usual ones with the basis of I can put in a formal request that they become a more regular thing if and only if I think you’re going to benefit from them. Anything you say in here will not be repeated unless I fear you’re a danger to yourself or to other people.”
Neil made no move to acknowledge that she’d spoken.
“How’re you doing, Neil?” she asked.
“Fine,” he said automatically and Betsy waited for him to go on. “We won championships. We’re no longer the laughing stock of the NCAA and Edgar Allen’s fans haven’t vandalised anything in over a week. It’s pretty great.”
“Perhaps Edgar Allen’s fans haven’t vandalised anything because they’re in mourning?” she suggested.
“Riko isn’t worth the energy or time it takes to grieve,” Neil said, curling his fingers tighter around his keys, not caring as they left harsh indentations in his skin as he reminded himself to keep his cool for once.
“Why not?” she asked, “Doesn’t every human life mean something?”
“No,” he said firmly. “Some people don’t deserve it. People who go out of their way to hurt other people aren’t worth it. Especially people like Riko who wanted nothing but fame and fortune. People should forget about him. That’d be justice.”
“Is it because of the way he was in general or are you most angry about the way he treated you,” she said.
Neil hesitated, remembering the last time he sat here opposite Betsy and he lied to her about how he spent Christmas and despite knowing better, she let him. Because at Christmas everything was still hidden away and not spoken about. But a lot had happened since then.
“He tried to take my head off with an Exy Racquet, on court, because he lost a game. I think he would have benefited from this session more than I will,” he said instead, trying to give her something.
Betsy took a sip of her tea. “Can you tell me what happened that night? After the buzzer sounded?”
Neil didn’t even have to think about it. The memories were constantly fresh in his mind. The buzzer triggered their celebrations. People were screaming in joy and then in panic. He remembered Riko swinging the racquet, and then he remembered Andrew being there, his own racquet in hand while Riko was on the floor screaming. He remembered the cops and paramedics. He remembered Ichirou Moriyama’s deal and then the gunshot.
“Riko got angry when he realised he wasn’t as good as he thought,” Neil said simply, “he got so angry he tried to kill me, but Andrew broke his arm instead. I guess Riko couldn’t take what he gave out.”
He didn’t know what Betsy knew about Riko’s death. He knew Kevin had had sessions with her but the official story was suicide, so that was what he was going to stick with for now.
“Are you glad he’s dead?” Betsy asked, “after everything he put you all through, it’s okay if you are.”
Neil didn’t even have to think about it before he answered. “Yes.”
“Do you feel the same about your father’s death?” she asked and Neil cursed himself for faltering.
He was expecting this. Over the past few months Neil’s father had had more of an impact on him than Riko had, you only had to look at the mess that was now his face to see that. But it was still a topic that Neil avoided as much as possible.
“I told you last time I was here that I wasn’t going to talk about my parents,” he said, “I don’t see a reason why that should have changed.”
“Despite everything that came to light in April?” she asked.
Neil hesitated. No answer he gave to that would sound or be right, so instead, he remained silent.
“Do you regret what happened?” she asked instead when she realised she wasn’t going to get an answer.
“No,” Neil said.
“Do you regret the way it happened?”
“I regret that the riot put three of my team in hospital and that that was my fault,” he said.
“Is that all?”
Neil shrugged slightly. “This was the best possible outcome,” he said. “Nobody else got hurt, nobody got killed that didn’t deserve it.” He clamped his mouth shut, realising that he’d inadvertently answered her previous question as his frustration rose to the surface but Betsy didn’t comment on that.
“You got hurt though,” she said. “Does that not mean something?”
“The minute Lola grabbed me I knew there was nothing I could do to save myself. Either someone caught up, or I ended up dead. There was no other option,” he said simply and it was probably the most truthful answer Betsy was going to get from him today.
“And you were okay with that?”
Neil shrugged. “There was no other choice.”
Betsy set her now empty cup on the tray and looked at him carefully. “Just because you see no other option, doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it,” she said.
“I wasn’t okay with it,” Neil said defensively, glancing up at the clock. Ten minutes left. “I just accepted it a long time ago.”
“How old were you when your father was sent to prison?” she questioned and Neil shook his head.
“I don’t know. The last time I saw him before everything happened was the same day I last saw Kevin. We were children, as far as I knew everything was fine,” he lied, “And then my mother took me and ran.”
“I don’t think I know much about your mother,” Betsy said, “will you tell me about her?”
Neil shrugged for what felt like the millionth time in the last half an hour. “She was just like everyone else. She did what she needed to do to protect me,” he said vaguely.
“Were you scared of her?”
The question wasn’t what Neil was expecting and he hesitated a beat too long before answering and despite the no that came out of his mouth, he knew Betsy took it as a yes.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, “without her I’d never have made it here alive. She did the best she could and now she’s dead.”
“That’s an interesting way of looking at it,” she said but Neil didn’t care.
“It’s the truth, though.”
“Do you have any other blood relatives still living?” she asked.
“My uncle.”
“In Arizona?” she asked, this time she almost looked amused.
“No,” Neil replied. “Berkshire.”
Betsy’s eyebrow twitched as though he’d actually caught her by surprise by this time. “It’s a nice place,” she said, “expensive rent.”
Neil didn’t ask how she knew that, and frankly, he didn’t care. There were only two minutes of this session left but Coach’s threat was still clear in his mind. It didn’t matter what the time was. He couldn’t leave until she said he could.
“How would you feel about coming back here more frequently?” she asked and Neil’s undivided attention snapped back to her.
“Do I have to?” he asked carefully, wanting to know all of the options before he gave her an actual answer.
“No,” Betsy said honestly. “The only compulsory sessions I run are those on a court-ordered basis. Despite the pressure the Dean might put on me or David, the choice is still yours.”
“So you want me to come back and see if you can stop me being such a pathological liar?” he asked, more rhetorically than anything else. But Betsy frowned.
“Who says you’re a pathological liar?” she asked.
“Andrew.” Neil shrugged. “Coach didn’t disagree with him.”
Betsy rolled her eyes at that. “Despite David seeming to think he knows everything, he does not and nor does Andrew,” she said. “I don’t think you’re a pathological liar.”
Neil must have pulled a face because Betsy leant forwards slightly.
“Neil, even if you forget this entire session the minute you leave this room. I want you to listen, and remember this,” she said. “You’re not a pathological liar. You spent years lying about everything to everyone but not because you wanted to. But because you had to. You were protecting yourself, your mother and everyone else you came into contact with. What you did was brave and maybe a little stupid. I think you ran and lied for so long that you probably don’t know how to live without them to protect you.
“I do, however, think you have a sort of Post-Traumatic Stress, and that is the reason I think it’d be beneficial for us to meet again. So I can help break that down for you. But that is all. If you don’t want to, then that is fine with me. But you have choices now, options. So my door however, will always be open if you change your mind. And even if you don’t come to me directly, you have a whole support system around you. Talk to your teammates. To Abby, or David. Tell them one truth every day and by the end of the year you might not even have to think about it.”
Neil didn’t know how to respond to that, so he didn’t.
He felt as though the words should mean something. Make him feel some deep seated emotion and give him an epiphany. Because that’s what Psychiatrists were supposed to do, right? But he felt nothing but a hollow emptiness.
“Alright,” Betsy said, “I think we can leave it there for today.”
Neil jerked back to reality and downed several mouthfuls of his nearly cold tea so he didn’t seem rude and when he set it down Betsy looked almost amused. She rose to her feet and Neil followed after her and when she opened the door, he all but ran through it.
Andrew looked up from his phone at the sound of them coming out and surveyed Neil with a bored expression. Whatever he saw made him sigh as he pushed himself to his feet. He stepped forward into Neil’s space, pressing his pack of cigarettes into his hand.
Neil’s fingers curled around the box as he stared over Andrew’s shoulder. He felt Andrew’s eyes on the side of his face for another minute and Neil found a poster on the wall behind him about STI’s suddenly very interesting.
Andrew sighed again before letting go of the box. “Don’t steal my car,” he said before moving past him into Betsy’s office with a loud greeting.
Neil was moving before the door had closed. He wound his way back through the building and it wasn’t until he was outside, the warm summer air crushing down on him that he was finally able to breathe again.
He sat at the curb and with trembling fingers, he managed to get a cigarette and the lighter out of the box without dropping the others everywhere. It took him three attempts to get it lit and he took a long drag as he shoved the box and lighter in his pocket. With his hands free, he cupped them around the cigarette, letting the calm the acidic smell bought wash over him.
His wondered idly what Andrew was talking about. If he had or was telling Betsy about their relationship. If he was talking about Aaron or Nicky. Or maybe even his time in hospital. With Andrew you never could tell where a conversation would lead until it had already happened, and even then, sometimes you could be left just as confused as before.
Neil burned through two cigarettes as he watched the campus move around him. People were coming in and out of the medical centre, some familiar faces, and other’s total strangers. Occasionally someone would wave or shout out his name and he’d nod back in a sort of greeting as he waited.
As he second cigarette died out, he considered lightly a third, but before he could someone came to stand next to him and Neil didn’t even need to look up from their sneakers to know it was Andrew. A hand appeared in front of his face and Neil passed the pack of cigarettes back to him. Andrew flicked the top off and peered into the box with a hum of what might have been disapproval.
“Come on,” he said, “we have to get back to practice before Kevin has an aneurysm.”
Neil pushed himself up to his feet and when he rubbed a hand across his face, he tried to rub away how tired he felt.
“We’re having to miss practice,” Neil said, “Kevin is already having an aneurysm.”