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Pidge’s foot scuffled across the floor in an uncharacteristic moment of nervousness, as she waited for Keith to walk through the door in front of her. It was early, early enough that she knew no one else would be awake yet. She had learned, from months of staying up all night, sleeping odd hours here and there, that Keith always woke around 4:00 to train before everyone else got up. Most nights she didn't go to bed for good until 5am, or not at all, so she had grown accustomed to walking into the training deck while he fought, and sitting on the sidelines, quietly researching. It had happened slowly, their odd silent companionship. At first, both of them seemed to pretend the other wasn't there, that they had ended up in the same room morning after morning by happenstance. Until slowly, after weeks or routine, it sort of became their thing. Keith would train, hitting punching bags, cutting down gladiators, and running through his daily sets. Pidge would sit, typing away at a tablet, or tinkering with some small device. Sometimes they would idly chat, about what they were doing, or their last mission, but mostly they stayed in companionable silence, content to know that these quiet moments were theirs. Uninterrupted by Galra, or teammates, or saving the universe. It was… nice. And even though Pidge loved Hunk, and Lance, and everyone else, she felt like she and Keith had an understanding that she didn't feel with the others.
That's why, this morning, she sat in the hallway outside of his room, waiting, tapping her toes impatiently on the floor in front of her, because she needed someone to talk to. She needed someone to help her understand all the thoughts running through her brain, the newest reason why she couldn't sleep at night.
As she worried the now frayed hem of her sweatshirt between her fingers, the swift ‘woosh’ of a door opening met her ears. She looked up and made eye contact with a slightly dumbfounded looking Keith. He was no doubt surprised to find her outside his room, instead of meeting on deck, as was their habit, but he gave her a small smile as she rose and walked over to him.
“Hey Pidge.” he greeted, raising a water pouch to his lips. He was in his training outfit, hair pulled up into a ponytail as it often was in the morning. Pidge made a mental note to remind him not to let Lance see the hairdo, he already made enough fuss about the mullet.
“Hey,” she muttered as she stood in front of him, strained smile not quite as convincing as she would have liked.
She had learned over time that Keith was more perceptive than people gave him credit for, so she wasn't surprised when his eyebrows drew together at her expression.
“You ok? Is something up?”
She looked away sheepishly, sighing and running her hand through her short, matted hair.
“Yeah, it’s just… I have a lot on my mind. I was hoping maybe I could, like, talk to you a bit before you start on the simulations this morning, if that's alright?”
“Oh.” Keith was taken aback, his face one of open and honest surprise,
“Yeah sure. Here or?...”
“On the training deck would be better.”
“Ok, yeah.”
They walked in silence. Pidge's hands deep in her pockets, Keith's eyes staring straight ahead. They ambled on like that for some time, before Keith spoke, without tearing his gaze away from the path in front of them,
“Why me?”
Pidge hadn't been expecting him to speak,
“What?”
“Why do you want to talk to me? Why not like, Lance, or Hunk, or even Allura? It must be something important. I'm not… always the best person for important conversations.”
Pidge stayed silent for a moment, noticing offhandedly that their steps had fallen in pace with each other.
“...because I trust you with this.”
Keith looked at her then, but Pidge's eyes stayed trained to the floor.
“Everyone on this team means a lot to me, but, I'm... not sure everyone would understand. I think you will. At least, I hope you will.”
They walked silently for a bit more, rounding a corner and standing in front of the double doors to the training room, before she added,
“Plus, you're gay so…”
He glanced over at the small paladin in surprise as he wrenched open the large doors,
“Oh.” he repeated eloquently.
He didn't think that anyone in the castle of lions, besides Shiro, knew about that. By no means was he ashamed of it, he just didn't broadcast it. But Pidge always did seem to have a way of finding things out before everyone else. They entered the room, and Keith steered them over toward the workout machines that most resembled bench presses. He plopped down on the seat of one, and Pidge perched lightly on another, still fiddling with the hem of her sweatshirt. Keith stayed quiet, expectantly, but Pidge seemed to still be working up the courage, so he didn't push. Eventually a large sigh escaped her lips, and her hands dropped to the edge of the bench, where they stayed.
“I've never… talked about this, to anyone . Not even Matt so, this is sort of really hard. I'm sorry, I know I should just talk but there's this knowledge that If I say it… there's just no going back.”
A single tear welled in her eye and fell, dropping into her jeans and making a small dark mark. Keith squirmed. He wasn't good at this. He had no idea why Pidge had chosen him to confide in. He was horrible at comforting people. He raised one hand tentatively, and let it hover for a second over Pidge's back, before awkwardly patting it twice.
“Uh… there, there.”
Pidge snorted, loud and gleeful.
“That's how you deal with people crying?” She giggled, voice choked with tears, but filled with mirth.
“It really shows how long you lived in that fucking shack,” she sniffed, rubbing her face in her sleeve and turning to look up at Keith for the first time. Her face was red and puffy, but her eyes were smiling, and it made Keith smile too. She must have seen something welcoming there, because her eyes turned back to her hands and she began talking.
“You remember when I told everyone I wasn’t a guy?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“That was…. A weird day for me.”
Keith watched as Pidge's face contorted with emotion at the memory.
“I wasn’t lying when I told everyone I wasn't a dude. I'm not, but, I am Pidge. I'm not Katie. I liked the way people treated me when I was Pidge.”
The more she spoke, the more the words just tumbled out of her mouth as though she couldn't keep them in any longer.
“I mean, sure, at first it was just a cover to get into the garrison and find out about my family, but, as time went on I felt more and more like Pidge. I cut my hair short, I dressed more masculine, I wore a binder every day, and that just became who I was, who everyone knew me as, and I liked it. As much as I tried not to think about it, I didn't want to go back to being Katie. Katie was… sad. Katie was repressed, and mild mannered, and reserved. But Pidge, Pidge could be anything . Smart, and adventurous, and loud mouthed, and scrappy, everything I held myself back from because of what I was expected to be. And I loved the way that felt.”
Pidge was shaking with emotion. Keith watched the tremors in respectful silence. He knew this was not a moment he should break.
“And I would have just let that keep going,” Pidge continued,
“convinced myself I was in too deep to back out now, but the mice had to go and tell Allura I was a girl, and INSTANTLY all of that was over. INSTANTLY I was just reduced to my gender again, like I had been for so many years. I felt Katie coming up out of me, like...like, some sort of demon that was going to strangle me and take over again! And I hated that! I didn't know why, but I hated it, it made me sick. But I told everyone I was a girl anyway, because I felt like I was deceiving them. Tricking them or something. Allura already knew, and I knew it was only a matter of time before everyone else did too, so I just told them. I just gave up that part of myself.”
Pidge was crying openly now. Keith had never witnessed this much emotion at once before, and he felt both uncomfortable, and privileged that he was the one who had been chosen to witness this. He stayed thoughtfully silent as Pidge took a few moments, shoulders wracking with each emotion laden breath.
“And y'know? I was grateful that no one made it a big deal. No one acted like it was this huge shock, or like I was pulling one over on them, but I could feel the way it made them act differently around me. I knew that after that they all saw me in a different light. Allura wanted to hang out more, have a “girls night” try on dresses and braid hair and all that stuff I just didn't even feel remotely connected to. And Lance and Hunk, they started trying to protect me more. I know they mean well, but they never acted like I couldn't do things myself before. Now, they just do everything for me. Shiro acts like I'm this sweet little girl or something. I know he knows I'm a good pilot, but he's always ruffling my hair, and giving everyone else the tough jobs while I get the easy assignments. And Coran down right calls me adorable and pinches my cheeks. Which I mean, even if he's right is fucking annoying.”
Pidge turned to look Keith in the eye with a soft reverence he wasn’t expecting.
“You're the only one who doesn't treat me differently.”
He blinked in surprise.
“Of course I don't. You're still you. Nothing’s changed as far as I'm concerned. You're still Pidge.”
The smile that beamed up at him made his heart swell.
“ That's why I wanted to talk to you .”
Keith didn't want to admit it, but those words meant the world to him. Pidge looked away again and continued.
“When I told everyone I was a girl, I sort of thought that was going to be the end of it. That I wouldn't have to pretend any more, I could go back to being who I really was. Everyone one else was treating me like a girl. I'd been a “girl” almost my whole life, so it just seemed natural that I return to that. But I woke up the next morning, and went to get dressed, and there in my pile of clothes was my binder… And... I just put it on anyway. I mean? There was no reason for me to do that. Everyone else knew, and that shitty thing hurts like hell, especially when we have to fight, or fly in our lions. Its sweaty. Its gross. It hurts my ribs, and every night when I take it off to go to bed I tell myself that's the last time I'm going to wear it, but I always put it back on in the morning… It's a part of me.”
Pidge's breath was shaking again, and this time, when Keith placed his hand on their back, it was genuine.
“My view of myself never changed when I told everyone. I was still the same me, even if I changed for everyone else. I didn’t lie when I said I wasnt a boy, but I don't think I'm a girl either…. I think… I think I'm just Pidge.”
Keith looked down at the green Paladin fondly.
“I think Just Pidge is pretty great.”
They looked up at him, gratitude laden in their red, puffy eyes.
“And don't worry. Everyone might not get it at first, but everyone on this team does care about you, you know that. It may take a little getting used to, but no one on this ship is going say one mean word about you. Besides, even if they did, I'd beat ‘em to a pulp. NO ONE hurts Pidge Holt on my watch. I've been looking for a good reason to punch Lance anyway.”
He wasn't expecting the hug. And he really wasn't expecting Pidge to be so strong. He gaped open mouthed at the small, surprisingly muscular child wrapped around his waist.
“Thank you Keith.” they muttered into his shirt.
He let his mouth turn up slowly at the corners and he gingerly patted them twice on the back.
“There, there” he uttered.
Pidge’s small sobs dissolved into a fit of giggles as they unstuck themself from Keith's shirt. He looked down, pulling the fabric away from his skin and stared at the wet spot where their face had been. His shirt was coated in snot and tears.
“Whoops” they chuckled as Keith rolled his eyes.
“I'm gunna have to go change this before I start my workout now. Thanks ya little gremlin.” They only laughed some more. Keith got up to go, walking to the doors, but turned before heading through them.
“By the way Pidge, how did you know I was gay?”
They beamed up at him.
“I have excellent gaydar. Also, I used one of the castle tablets after you once and accidentally saw your search history. Ya nasty Keith.”
His face went red as the sound of their laughter followed him out the door.
Later that day Keith found himself in the castle commons area, gathered together with the rest of team Voltron at Pidge's request. He leaned against the back wall, arms crossed over his chest as he listened to the others mutter about why they had all been called there.
“I hope everything's alright,” whispered Shiro to the Princess,
“So do I!” Interjected Coran,
“Number five isn't usually the one to call these sorts of meetings”
“Anybody else getting Déjà vu?” asked Lance to the crowd.
“I'm sure everything's fine. We haven't heard any sirens blaring...right?” muttered Hunk.
Keith just stood back shaking his head at the speculation. As the team continued to chatter, Pidge entered the room, and stopping several dozen feet away from the rest. They stood tall, as tall as their stature would allow at least, and cleared their throat. The throng looked up and noticed them for the first time, falling silent in expectation. Pidge cleared their throat, visibly uncomfortable at the six pairs of eyes staring back at them.
“I’ve, uh, asked you all to come here because I have something important to say…”
They fell silent again, hands going automatically for their shirt hem. Their gaze searched through the sea of expectant eyes, until they landed on Keith. He looked at them from across the room with an expression he hoped was full of pride and encouragement, and untucked one hand to give them a small thumbs up. It must have made its intended impact, because Pidge balled their fists at their sides, straightened their back, and looked out over the crowd with a newfound courage.
“I brought you all here today to tell you that I'm NOT a girl!”
“....Uhhuh, yup, deeefinitely déjà vu,” said Lance.
Keith kicked him lightly in the back of the ankle.
“ HEY!” Lance turned to glare at him, but Keith was too busy smiling up at Pidge to give him much notice.
“The last time I gathered you together to tell you something, I sort of gave you a half truth. No, I'm not a guy. That was an act, but so was telling you I was a girl. Sure, that's what I've been called for most of my life, but I’ve come to realize that's not who I am. I'm not a boy, I'm not a girl, I'm just me. Pidge Holt. I know that might be confusing, but it's who I am, and you're my team, so I want you all to know that part of me. The real me. If you could use they/them pronouns for me from now on, that would be great. I don't expect everyone to catch on right away, or even to understand, but this is important to me, so I hope it's something you can respect.”
The room was quiet as Pidge finished their speech. They stood by themself on one side of the room, trembling in the heaviness of the silence, staring at their teammates, trying to gauge their reaction from their stoic expressions, until finally, Hunk took a step forward, and then another, and then suddenly he was sprinting. He snatched Pidge off the ground with a force that made them squeak in surprise as he swept them up in a giant bear hug. Soon the rest of the team crossed the room as well, some piling onto the hug, and others patting Pidge on the back encouragingly.
“You didn't we wouldn't still love you did you?”
Asked Hunk, squeezing so tightly that they couldn't have answered if they wanted to.
“You're still our Pidge no matter what!”
Shiro placed a hand on their shoulder as Hunk lowered them back to the ground.
“That took a lot of courage Pidge,” he said, smiling warmly.
“Thanks Shiro.”
Allura leaned in closer to the black Paladin,
“Do human beings often change their gender this many times?” She whispered.
Shiro only chuckled.
“I'll explain it to you later Princess.”
“OH!” Cried Lance, snapping his fingers in front of him,
“We should TOTALLY have one of those gender reveal parties!”
Keith rolled his eyes.
“Lance, we already know their gender. There's nothing to reveal.”
“I know that mullet! But think about it! We could get balloons, and streamers, and a banner that says ‘Congratulations it's a Pidge!’ and OH! Hunk can bake one of those gender reveal cakes where you cut into it and it's pink or blue inside, except it's green!”
“That defeats the purpose of the whole reveal! You already know the color inside!”
Pidge was nearly doubled over laughing.
“You just want me to bake a cake, don't you?” asked Hunk with a smile on his face.
“...yeah, I really do...”
Pidge's face hurt from smiling. As the crowd disbanded a little, Allura walked up to them and took one of their hands in hers.
“I'm not sure I fully understand, but you know that we all care for you so much Pidge, and if this is who you are, then I will do whatever I can to make you happiest.”
Pidge had never felt so loved. They revelled in the knowledge that they were surrounded by people who respected and cherished them, and really that's all they had ever wanted. They held their head high as they walked out of the common room. They could still hear Lance and Keith arguing about the party up ahead.
“You just want to throw a party because you think It’d be fun.”
“ NUH UH, this is a special day for Pidge! We need to commemorate it! It’d be about all the things sh,- THEY love!”
“Soooo, you weren't going to ask Hunk to make coconut creme cake, your absolute favorite, then?”
“OF COURSE NOT!.... he ran out of space coconut movements ago…”
They couldn't help but smile as Keith looked back over his shoulder and shot them a sly wink. Pidge didn't know how Keith could ever think he wasn't good at important conversations. Because they couldn't remember when they were last this happy.