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Sonny had thought that Rollins was pulling his chain when she’d told him that Barba had put in his resignation. It just wasn’t possible. He was in it for the long haul. But the lieutenant had confirmed it, her tone solemn.
The panic that had immediately welled up within him had not been totally surprising. He’d known, for some time, that his feelings for the prosecutor had tipped over into something more than that which friendly coworkers should feel for each other.
But he always thought he had time. He knew Barba would be there, behind his desk at One Hogan Place, his feet propped up, the end of a pen that probably cost more than Sonny made in a week in his mouth, mulling over cases and possibly thinking of more insults he could throw Sonny’s way.
There was no rush. There was always time to make a move, make something happen. But there wasn’t. Not now.
His heart thrummed and nerves made his hands shake, but he forced himself to walk, one foot in front of the other, down the marble hallway to Rafael’s office.
Carmen was there, present and constant as always, and it calmed him a little, this small sense of normalcy in a world that had suddenly shifted on its axis.
“Is he in?”
“He’s handed off all of his cases, so what is this pertaining to?” She looked at him with a glint in her eye, as if she knew the real reason he was there and she just wanted to make him say it.
“Oh ya know, just wanted to wish him good luck.” He could swear she looked disappointed in him, but she stood, rounding her desk to knock on Barba’s door.
“Mr. Barba,” she said, swinging it open. “Detective Carisi is here to see you.”
She nodded at Carisi and stepped aside, going back to her desk, leaving him standing in the doorway, unable to move.
The office was nearly unrecognizable. The bookshelves, once full of legal volumes that Sonny himself had often perused — sometimes for class, sometimes just on the hopes that he could find a precedent that Barba had forgotten about — were now bare. His desk had also been cleared, with only a few papers and a half full cardboard box sitting on its top.
All that looked to be untouched was the coffee maker. That, of course, would be the last to go.
“What brings you by, Carisi?”
Barba sounded almost jovial, and that alone brought Sonny out of his haze, his eyes finishing their tour of the room and landing on the man himself. Sonny had to admit it was the best he’d looked in a long time. The bags under his eyes, present as long as Sonny had known him, were barely there, and Sonny couldn’t believe it, but he actually looked to be smiling?
“I just—I heard you were leaving and I didn’t really believe it. I guess I had to see it for myself.”
“Well, believe it.” Barba swept an arm at the room, gesturing to the full boxes and empty shelves.
“Why?” The question spilled out without his permission in an anguished tone that had him rushing to cover. “I just, I mean, you love this job.”
“Do I?” It was casual and light, but the darkness underneath it didn’t go unnoticed.
“I thought so. You’re so good at it.”
“Well, thank you for the compliment, Carisi, but being good at something doesn’t mean you love it. Sometimes it’s the very thing that’s killing you.”
Sonny’s eyes widened at that. He knew that the job was tough, probably more than anyone, and that it took its toll on a person, but he never realized it had gotten that bad for the prosecutor. “I’m sorry. You should have said something, I could have helped. You know I like the practice anyway and it would have taken some of the load off.”
“No,” Barba shook his head ruefully. “It wasn’t your problem to solve. Besides, it’s not the workload, it’s…” He looked at him thoughtfully for a moment and Sonny couldn’t decide if he was trying to figure out what to say or if he was trying to determine if he should say it to Sonny. “The lines have gotten blurred somehow. I’ve begun living in this gray area, doing whatever’s necessary in the name of justice, and that’s not what this is about, not what the law is about. So I need to take a step back.”
Sonny nodded, his heart aching at the knowledge that someone he cared for had been going through so much pain and he hadn’t been aware of it. “What will you do?”
“I’m not sure yet,” Rafael leaned back against his desk, arms crossed. “I’ve had a couple offers.”
“You’re going to be a defense lawyer?” Sonny’s shocked look and incredulous tone had Rafael chuckling.
“No, no. Some pro bono firms, civil rights and all that. Plus an adjunct professorship at Columbia.”
“That’s amazing. Congratulations.” Sonny meant it. He hated the idea of not working with Barba anymore, but he knew that he’d do so well in any of those positions.
Rafael shrugged. “Yeah, but I’m not sure if I’ll stay in New York.” Somehow Sonny’s heart sank to his knees and his stomach was in his throat all at once. Barba didn’t seem to notice his agony. “I’m sure my mother would have a conniption, but I’ve been here my whole life. It might be time to move on.”
“But you’d have to pass the bar somewhere else.”
Rafael waved it off. “That’s not a big deal.”
“But,” Sonny struggled to come up with another argument that didn’t seem ridiculous. “But…”
“But?” Rafael asked, looking at him with something between concern and amusement.
“But what about...me?” It was quiet and strained, but he was glad that he said it. This way he would know.
“You? What about you?”
“I just thought that...never mind.” His cheeks burned and he suddenly needed to be anywhere but there, in Barba’s office, being turned down. “Well, good luck. We’ll miss ya around here.”
“Wait,” Rafael stepped forward, placing a hand on Sonny’s arm to keep him from leaving. He looked up at him, his green eyes searching Sonny’s blue. Sonny swallowed nervously. “What about you?”
His heart pounded so hard he could hear it in his ears. Was it possible? He was terrified to answer Rafael’s question, worried that he was completely misreading the situation and would make a fool of himself. But there was something in Rafael’s eyes, something hopeful.
So instead of saying anything at all, Sonny put his hands on either side of Rafael’s face, leaning down to press their lips together. Rafael stiffened in surprise, but it only lasted a second before he relaxed, melting into the kiss and wrapping his arms around Sonny’s back.
Sonny wasn’t sure how long it lasted, it felt like forever and no time at all, all at once. All he knew was that it was way better than he’d imagined. And oh, he’d imagined it.
They were both panting by the time they pulled apart, their cheeks flushed red.
“Wow. I mean, uh…” Sonny searched for words to adequately sum up what he was feeling.
“Eloquent as always,” Barba smirked, but there was affection in his eyes.
“So, uh,” Sonny ran a hand nervously over the back of his neck. “Was that a goodbye kiss, or…”
“Not if you don't want it to be."
"You mean?"
"I think you've just given me a pretty good reason to stay in New York."