Chapter Text
Was it even possible to feel longing for someone who was always at your side? Could you pine for someone who was always within reach? Could you there be distance between two people who were practically inseparable?
Barbara considered these questions as she sat next to Hannah and her friends. Diana was having lunch with Akko, so today Hannah and Barbara sat with their friends in the Grey Team.
"Oh my gosh, did you girls hear about Chloe?" Avery asked. "She's dating a boy from Appleton!"
"Appleton?" Hannah grimaced. "Those witch-hating sleazes? I knew Chloe had bad taste in people, but I didn't think it was that bad." Hannah would never forgive Chloe for her open disgust for Diana.
"Appleton boys aren't all bad," Mary said. "After all, Andrew goes to Appleton."
Blair waved her hand dismissively. "Andrew doesn't count, of course. He's a gentleman."
"I'd never be desperate enough to date a boy from Appleton—Andrew excluded," Hannah declared.
"What about you, Barbara?" Avery asked. "Where do you stand hot-button issue?"
Barbara, who had been admiring Hannah out of the corner of her eye, snapped her attention back to the current conversation. "Um, I can't see myself dating a boy from Appleton in the near future."
She had intended her answer to be ambiguous, but her so-called friends zeroed in on that ambiguity with the ferocity of a prosecuting attorney.
"Does that mean you already have your sights on someone?" Avery asked, her eyes hungry for gossip. "Do you have a crush on a boy?"
"Where would Barbara have met a boy?" Mary scoffed. "She's either here at school or stuck to Hannah's side. It's much more likely that she's got a crush on a girl." The Grey Team was very supportive of Barbara (and Hannah's) bisexuality; they saw it as an opportunity for twice the romance gossip.
"Hey, Hannah, has Barbara met any boys?" Blair asked. "Or a girl?"
Hannah shrugged. "If Barbara has a crush, she hasn't told me about it."
A shiver ran down Barbara's neck. Does she know!? Obviously Barbara would tell her best friend if she had feelings for someone—unless that someone was her best friend.
"Sorry to disappoint you girls, but I haven't met anyone." While completely true, her answer didn't exactly address the underlying question.
"Rats," Avery said. "Maybe Hannah has the hots for someone." The girls looked at the redhead expectantly.
"Nope! I'm just as boring as Babs." Hannah elbowed her bestie, and may or may not have noticed the way Barbara jumped at the contact.
The conversation moved along, but Barbara's thoughts lingered on Hannah's response. She desperately hoped that Hannah was being more truthful than she was, that she didn't have feelings for anyone. Or maybe, Barbara thought, "I'm just as boring as Babs" means she knows I have feelings for her and she also has feelings for someone!
Those thoughts occupied her throughout her afternoon classes and well into her time hanging out with Lotte.
"You seem to be thinking pretty hard about something," Lotte said. They had been reading Nightfall together in the courtyard. Well, Lotte had been reading. Barbara had been staring off into space.
"Lotte, what do you think being in love feels like?"
"Love?" Lotte adjusted her glasses. "Well, I've never been in love, but based on all the romance books I've read, being in love is like you're flying a broom, even thought you have your feet on the ground. It's like the person you love is your favourite perfume! Just being around them is enough to make you happy as can be!"
"I see." Barbara couldn't relate. Love made her feel like she was falling through the air without a broom. To her, Hannah was less of a perfume and more of an intoxicant, one that made her question her sensibilities. Being around Hannah no longer made her feel "as happy as can be;" she often felt anxious and unsure of what to say and what to leave unsaid.
Love didn't make her feel good.
Love hurt.
Maybe I should tell Hannah I'm in love with her, Barbara thought idly, repeating the argument to herself over and over again for the rest of the day. She's probably guessed by now. I'm only going to get more awkward around her, so maybe it's better to admit my feelings than to stay silent.
Her indecision was put to the test when she got back to her room and Hannah was sitting on her bed wearing nothing but a bathrobe. The ends of her hair were still damp. Barbara's eyes followed a drop of water drip from her roommate's hair onto her collarbone, down along the curve of her—
Barbara wrenched her eyes away from Hannah's cleavage. Hannah didn't seem to notice her best friend's wandering eyes. "There you are! I was beginning to wonder if you and Lotte were going to read those books all night."
"Aw, did you miss me?" Barbara asked as she sat down on her own bed. The coy question was more direct than Barbara usually allowed herself to be.
"You know me," Hannah said airily. "I can't bear to be apart from you."
Barbara laughed. Internally, she was screaming. Is she joking? Is she teasing me? She couldn't even start to think about what she'd do if Hannah was actually being serious.
"Did you at least have a good time while you were depriving me of your company?" Hannah asked, perhaps playfully?
"Yeah. We talked about romance and stuff."
"Of course," Hannah said. "I know you're a sucker for that kind of mushy stuff." She held up a hand. "Um, I didn't mean that in a mean way. I only tease you because I love you, you know." She smiled warmly, earnestly.
As much as she wished she could believe it, Barbara knew in her heart that Hannah didn't love her the way she loved her. That's why she can say that so easily. It doesn't mean the same thing to her. Barbara briefly considered spilling her guts right then and there, confessing her most hidden, heartfelt feelings to the most important person in her life, damn the consequences. Barbara smiled grimly as she imagined the look on Hannah's face upon learning how Barbara really felt about her. There's no way I could do that. She'll never feel the same way I do. It's better if I just say silent.
"I know. I love you too, Hannah."