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Catra heard the dorm door next to hers slam closed and she groaned. She dropped her chemistry textbook on her face.
"Adora!" she grumbled, practically growling. Her nails dug into the cover.
It's going to be impossible to fall asleep now.
Catra slid over to the little window that faced the front of the dorm. She sat so she could peek out the corner without being too obvious, unless someone was paying close attention.
Adora wouldn't. Adora didn't pay any attention to her anymore.
Adora appeared suddenly, and her hair looked like it was glowing in the eerie green-blue from the streetlights. Her dress was midnight blue and sort of shimmery.
Catra wanted to know where she was going. Catra wanted to go with her. Catra wanted to spin her around and hold her close.
No, she didn't. This was done. And that was fine. Catra minded, sure, but she wasn't going to beg for someone to love her.
An equally well-dressed girl walked up and Catra heard Adora squeal a greeting. They exchanged a warm hug that lasted too long.
They turned slightly so the girl was facing Catra's window and Adora had her back to the building.
God. Catra recognized that girl, too. Glimmer.
She was such an airhead and kind of a stuck up bitch. Everyone knew who her mom was. And Glimmer pretended to not know or care about that.
She carried herself like that, too. Like she didn't know any better than to act like she was rich. She grew up with everything and she didn't even care. Stupid.
That's who Adora was hanging out with? And based on that hug, that's who she was interested in now?
Catra felt her hair prickle and stand on end. She started to chew on her lip.
This was fine.
Glimmer reached down and took Adora's hand into her own.
Catra growled and reached up to smooth her hair down. She snapped a hair band around it so it was in a loose ponytail at the back of her head.
Adora gripped her hand back. Catra felt like she was going to barf.
Glimmer took a step toward her, like she was a magnet, and, oh god, Catra understood that feeling.
But Catra always pulled Adora in. Adora always laughed and pushed her face into Catra's shoulder. Catra didn't slide herself into Adora.
Adora raised her arm slightly and Glimmer fit herself into Adora's side, like she couldn't even resist.
Whatever.
They started to walk away together, hips and sides pressed into one another.
Catra sighed. They looked pretty together. Adora looked pretty as always. Always.
~//~
Catra kicked hard at the brick wall and winced every time her foot made contact. She stopped and breathed heavily.
She stood and clenched her fists to start punching the wall.
Arms wrapped around her, softly grabbing her right fists. She felt a face burrow into her neck.
"Let go, Adora."
Adora pulled her face out and set her chin on Catra's shoulder. "No. Why should I?"
Catra huffed and tried to pull her hands away from Adora's. "Because I'm right and you know I am!"
Adora held her tightly and buried her face into Catra's shoulder. Catra unbunched her fists. "But you're right, so why are you hurting yourself?"
Catra felt her face heat up and her chest loosened slightly. "I dunno. I feel like... The hurt shouldn't just be inside me-- inside you. The hurt shouldn't just be us when all we're doing is trying to exist!" Catra reclenched her hands. She didn't pull away from Adora.
"That's why we're going to change the world, remember?" Adora said. She pressed a soft kiss into Catra's neck and Catra smiled a little bit.
Catra hummed in response and felt herself relax. She turned and opened her arms for Adora.
Adora hugged Catra and Catra held her close. Catra's face fit next to Adora's neck and it was the first fucking place she ever took a deep breath and felt like she didn't have to search for a place to stay.
She might never say Adora was home. But Adora was a place to stay, a safe place.
Catra wanted this safe space to be hers forever, and she wanted Adora to want to keep her, too.
This is the closest I'll ever get to heaven.
Adora pulled back slightly and Catra loosened her grip a bit, keeping her arms around Adora's waist.
"You really don't know how to keep yourself out of fights, do you?" Adora tilted her head and her nose scrunched just barely.
"I can't help myself..." Catra looked at the ground, she'd gotten this lecture a million times.
You have to control yourself, Catra, control your tongue, your fists. Stop acting like such a--
Adora kissed her forehead. "I appreciate the honesty."
~//~
Catra sat slumped in a hard chair at a glossy table in the library. She had a (lidded) drink that was condensating all over the table. There were books, a crappy laptop, and probably thirty assorted pens, pencils, and highlighters splashed out around her.
She still wasn't studying.
Adora came in maybe five minutes after Catra finally got everything settled and ready.
She had her hair down but pushed back from her face with a pair of fucking Ray Bans. Exactly like popular kids who bullied them in high school for being 'queers'.
Adora still looked like she did when they were growing up, like she could kick someone in the neck and beat them into the ground without breaking a sweat. But now she looked... Softer and less guarded. Like an effortless takedown didn't necessarily need to be an option.
How good she looked wasn't the part that was keeping Catra from focusing.
No, Catra didn't care that Adora was changing her style.
Catra didn't care that Adora walked straight past the political science section that she used to swim through every time they came here first semester to pick up the first book that caught her eye.
Catra didn't care that she was remembering turning off Adora's bedside lamp every night because she was so consumed with learning everything she could as fast as she could about her coveted major.
Catra didn't care how much it hurt when Adora said she was changing majors and requesting a dorm switch. That she didn't want space, she didn't want time, she just needed to be done.
Catra didn't care about any of that stuff, at least not right now.
Because Adora didn't even notice Catra. She didn't say high, she didn't pick up her pace as she passed Catra's table, she didn't nod or blush or glare.
She didn't even notice.
Catra wasn't even a blip on Adora's new radar.
Adora left without a book.
~//~
Catra thought parties were stupid, but she knew tonight was important.
She was wearing a black pair of jeans and a maroon hoodie. She actually put some make-up on and tried to do something with her hair, but it was in just a poofy bun basically.
Obviously no one here was going to care, she probably could count the number of people who knew her on one hand. And none of them were friends or people who would be important to her future career.
Someone passed by and tried to shove a cup into her hand. Catra shook her head and shoved the cup back.
As a rule, she didn't drink anywhere but her dorm room at two in the morning on nights when she didn't have class or work the next day. There would be no scandal that anyone could trace back to her college days, if she ever managed to get her ass into a good enough position that someone might want to take her down from.
The dude laughed at her and shook his head before he walked away, taking a swig from his own cup.
Catra knew him vaguely, because he was the on-again-off-again boyfriend of one of Glimmer's friends. Everyone called him something stupid. LakeHawk? SeaEagle? She couldn't remember right now, and she didn't care if he called himself SeaDick, she needed to find Adora.
This was a waste of time. A waste of time on a girl who broke her heart. A waste of time on a girl who didn't even notice her anymore.
God, she needed to study for a test tomorrow.
Catra pushed her way through people and made her way back into what was basically the entry way, she guessed. It was a what? Foyer?
The air was almost hazy with cigarette smoke and probably smoke from other things.
It only added to the aura when she finally caught sight of Adora. There were lights along the top of the staircase and she was glowing.
The light almost reflected off of the wisps of smoke. Adora herself was as radiant as always, and as she descended the stairs, laughing, Catra remembered how she used to think of Adora in high school.
Her own personal heaven. And now here she was, descending from light and clouds to meet up with Catra.
What bullshit. Catra hated how perfect she looked. Complete and utter bullshit.
"Adora!" Catra shouted.
Adora's head flicked toward her and Catra knew that she saw her, because Adora's smile slipped right off her face.
Catra couldn't hear her but she didn't need to because she knew what Adora's lips looked like saying her name.
Adora rushed down the stairs, a hand tugging down the edge of her short black dress. She looked hot.
Catra kept her body loose, relaxed. She wanted to bolt and she wanted to curl up on herself. She wanted to cry and she wanted to make someone else cry.
Adora stopped within a foot of Catra and crossed her arms. "What do you want?"
"Wow, Adora, that's a rough tone, don't you think?" Catra kept her voice as light as possible but she knew that Adora would hear the ice under it.
Adora rolled her eyes and then stared at Catra, eye brows raised. "Well?"
Catra took a deep breath and swallowed hard at the lump in her throat. Say it, you bastard.
"I hate you. I've been wasting my time on waiting for you to come back and that was stupid as fuck on my part. So fuck you. I don't have time anymore. I don't want you anymore."
Adora's jaw dropped slightly and her eyes were scrunched up. Like she couldn't believe what she was hearing, which was fucking rich. "Catra--"
"No! I've been waiting for almost a year for you to even talk to me and you don't even notice me anymore! You were supposed to be loyal! You were supposed to be my best fucking friend."
Adora looked at the ground. "Listen, I--"
"No. You just. Run off with your stupid girls and all their airhead friends, and have a good time. I don't like you, okay? I hate you."
Adora reached out a hand to stop Catra, but Catra had already turned towards the front door and was shoving people out of her way.
She didn't have time for any stupid girls or stupid parties. She had a test tomorrow.