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In My Way of Happiness

Summary:

Eric Cartman had always been a thorn in Kyle's side until one day he disappeared leaving Kyle not knowing what to do with himself. Then during Senior year, Cartman showed up again, less inclined to fist fight with Kyle so Kyle opted to use a new form of fighting, breaking him up with any girlfriends he got. Not wanting to let this slide Cartman rose to the challenge and paid Kyle in turn. It's not until Heidi proposes a plan to Cartman and a party is created that reason's behind the challenge get exposed.

Notes:

So this is an indulgent fic of mine starting with the idea of what would happen if Kyle and Cartman kept cockblocking each other because they liked each other but refused to admit it? Then because I have no self-control I had to make it the cheesiest romance plot I could which unfortunately lead to some out of characterness? I was unsure if I should tag it since it's just a dare but there is also brief Wendy/Bebe too so enjoy that it's very brief. I do not own South Park and I apologize in advance for the out of characterness.

Chapter Text

Everyone watched in amusement as repeatedly Kyle got a girlfriend and Cartman broke them up and Cartman got a girlfriend that Kyle broke up. The excuses given depended on the one you asked. Kyle simply stated that no one should be with Cartman due to his attitude and Cartman insisted it was because no one deserved to be with a jew. The reasonings fall flat however in light of Cartman actually treating his girlfriends quite well with Kyle’s jealousy being why they broke up with him and Kyle- well he never let him being a jew known, he was hardly orthodox much to his parent’s anger so it’s hardly like he was converting girls. It all came to a head when Cartman got back with Heidi, who decided to give him another chance after one of her friends who dated him said that he was actually a lot better and more mature. Cartman had left in their sophomore year and Kyle had been thrilled until he wasn’t. The high lasted not even a week as Kyle got increasingly more agitated and tried to start fights over simple things such as a freshman accidentally running into him or something.

He also didn’t date, even though he had dated while Cartman was around, the way he acted seemed like mourning behavior to anyone who didn’t know but heaven help you if you brought that up to Kyle. Sophomore year was hell, and only the fact that they had been friends since preschool kept Stan and Kenny by his side, doing everything they could to not agitate him further. Things went back to normal when Cartman came back, well almost normal. Cartman was quieter, less brash, and more in tune with people. When Stan asked him where he was Cartman informed him that he went to a place dedicated to people with mental problems, with therapy and medicine he was more in control then he was growing up, but he couldn’t help not having a filter, he, unfortunately, would always say what was on his mind. When Cartman apologized to Kyle, he flipped out, at first blushing and saying thank you but then going on a tangent about how it was all fake. He also seemed to get especially mad when Cartman didn’t rise to the bait he offered, like the time he sported a beard and openly talked about Judaism only to have Cartman help him pass out pamphlets and to use his powers of persuasion to actually convert people for him.

Needless to say, the pamphlets and beard were gone the next day and Kyle was seething. That led them to modern day, Junior year with instead of yelling at each other they openly flirted with other people and even dated with them just so they could one-up each other? No one knew but when Heidi got back with Cartman it was like freshman year all over again, Kyle broke up with his girlfriend and zoned in on Cartman. While they were at lunch and Heidi was talking to Cartman and the rest of the group, telling them a story about how she went shopping with her friends and a weird man kept eyeing them Kyle loudly said “Am I the only one bored right now? Cartman I thought you at least had taste.” He had a fire in his eyes and sure enough, Cartman got up and went to Kyle’s side and said: “Better taste than you jew.” His eyes held just as much fire and everyone knew the Jew insult was literally only there to break Kyle, he definitely didn’t believe anything he said he told Stan as much during a very much unwanted one-sided drunken bro talk. Kyle stood up as well and got in his face and said: “What would you know about my taste?”