Chapter Text
CHAPTER 1
The soft hum of a fan fills the air. It's the only thing he can hear, the only thing he cares to listen to at the moment really, so he sits on his bed with his knees held tight against his chest as he leans back against the headboard. The same headboard that's etched memories, both figuratively, and literally. There's a small space near a corner where he can still see the light carving:
RJS Was Here
. Just thinking about it makes him ache. It makes him ache something he can't even describe. He gasps for air he's not sure he can even breath, his lungs feeling as if they've given up. He holds on to photograph in his hand fighting back the emotions boiling up inside him, fighting back the lump in his throat, hoping things will change. He hopes something will fall through, hopes that his best friend won't leave. Then the guilt hits and he hates himself for thinking those things.
He's so caught in his thoughts that he missed the knocks at his door. It's not until his mother is standing beside his bed calling his name that he zones back in.
"Aaron...you okay, luv?" She asks knowing all too well he's not, hoping that he'll open up, that he'll let her in.
Quickly he fumbles his hands trying to hide the photograph, hoping she hadn't caught sight of it.
"Yeah...I...I'm just tired is all." He lies to her. Something that's become way too easy for him over the past few years.
"Are you really going to do this?" Her voice is soft, an emotional mix of worry and sadness that catches Aaron off guard.
"What?" He pretends.
"Aaron. I'm your mum. I know I haven't been there for you always, but I've always cared. I've always loved ya." She tells him as she takes a seat beside him. "I'm not daft, you know?" She says as she runs her fingers along his forehead brushing his hair to the side.
He slowly looks up at her, a pang of worry hitting him. The same terrifying feeling that sweeps over him whenever she questions him.
She knows. How could she?
His panicked thoughts run through his head as he tries to fumble a response. "Wh..what you on about?"
"If you feel about him the way I think you do, are you really going to let him leave without even saying goodbye?"
"You what?"
"Robert's leaving tomorrow for America, luv. Are you really going to stay here and sulk around without saying goodbye?"
He felt his stomach drop the moment Chas mentioned his feelings for Robert. She didn't come out and say it, but it was clear his mother knew. Part of him wanted to do the usual, to go mad, to get angry, to deny it all, but his heart was hurting and he couldn't fight it. He couldn't fight himself anymore. What he felt for Robert was more than just a friendship. He loved him. He's loved him for a long time.
"I don't want him to go." He sobs.
Chas simply leans in and wraps her arms around him. She hadn't always been the best mum to Aaron, but ever since he came back into her life she had devoted herself to him. He was her world. Seeing him like this tore her own heart to shreds. If she could stop Robert from leaving she would, if only to keep Aaron from hurting.
"I know luv, but this is big. It's his future, there's no way he can miss out on that. You know that don't you?" She reminds him before gently placing a kiss to the top of his head. He might be seventeen but to her, he'll always be her little boy.
Aaron can't muster the words, he simply nods his head in agreement. This was everything that Robert had dreamt of for years. He'd been accepted to Harvard, and there was no better place for Paleontology, not to mention the full ride he had somehow miraculously managed to get. He had to go. It's what he's dreamt of since they became friends long ago.
He still remembers it like it was just yesterday. He remembers his first day at school since he came back to live with Chas after his dad had finally had enough of him. He didn't know anyone, had no one to talk to, and for the majority of his day there he kept to himself. It wasn't until he saw the handsome lad with the blond hair walking in the hallway surrounded by others, that he felt a pull. No one else had caught his attention, no one really seemed like worth getting to know, but Robert did. The sight of everyone surrounding him however had made him pull back. He was clearly popular and so out of his own league for friends. No way would someone popular like Robert ever be friends with him, but everything changed near the end of the day when he finally worked up the courage to speak to him.
He'd seen Robert in the hall on his own and did the only thing he could think of.
"Nice… Nice trainers." Aaron stuttered.
"What?" Robert stopped dead in his tracks and put his book down.
"Your trainers...I like them."
Robert chuckled at first before turning a dull shade of pink. "Yeah...I...uh...I like yours as well."
Aaron figured he was just being nice seeing as his trainers were at least a year old and worn down, plus Robert had only taken a quick glance down as if trying to figure out what to say before replying.
"Say, you're new here aren't you? Haven't seen you around before." Robert asked clearly trying to change the subject.
From that moment on the became inseparable, Aaron couldn't believe the luck he'd had. A new home, a new school, and no friends. He had thought he was going to be miserable there, but all it took was Robert Jacob Sugden to change all that. He made things alright, and now, now he felt similar to back then. All alone. Regardless, his mum was right, he couldn't let him go without saying goodbye. He'd regret it forever.
“I have to go.” The words left his lips before he even realized it, he was up and out his door before Chas had a chance to say anything. His head was a mess, he had no idea what he'd say, but he hopped on his bicycle in record time and peddled harder than ever before. The Sugden's farm was close by, but still far enough that he worked up a sweat by the time he made it there ten minutes later. As he steered his bicycle I to the dirt road he'd grown to know so well, he heard the music playing, a goodbye party for sure as the lights were well in at the farm.
All Aaron could think of was how much Robert would hate this. A fuss being thrown about him. Sometimes it hurt how much they were alike: what they liked, what they hated, yet they were still so different. Like the two sides of a coin.
Several cars were parked outside and other kids his age ran about outside just messing about, some of them from the village, but most from neighboring farms. Even kids To set couldn't stand, namely the Barton boys. The two oldest though we're never ones to turn down a party, not if there was a chance they could nick some beers.
He hopped off his bicycle and gently laid it down by the front porch. This was it. He rubbed his sweaty palms down his black jeans and walked up the steps and to the front door. With his heart still beating faster than he'd like, he took a deep breath and knocked.
“Aaron.” Sarah's soft voice was welcoming as ever. It wasn't hard to see why Robert loved his step mum so much. As much as he loved his own, he'd be lying if he didn't think k of her as a second mum. “He's upstairs in his room.” She said making room for him. No need to even tell her. She knew just how close they were. How inseparable.
“Of course that div would miss his own going away party.” He nearly chuckled.
Sarah feigned offense, placing her hand to her chest, she curtly said. “Language, Aaron.”
Aaron simply smiled at how easy going she always was. She understood him, almost in a way even his own mum didn't sometimes.
“Is it okay if I go up and see him?”
Sarah gave him a sad smile and simply waved him up the stairs. “Like I would stop you.” She said kindly as he walked past her.
Step by step, it all felt so familiar. The creaking sounds of the boards moving underneath his feet, the squeaks some of the edges would make as the boards rubbed against the nails that needed fixing, work left undone before Robert's father passed. Everything reminds of his first time there, Robert's dad had just died and he had closed himself off from everyone. Aaron however wasn't going to let him be alone. He refused to be pushed away. That morning he had begged Chas drive him into Hotten, it was the only place nearby that had a comic book store, so he could pick up all of Robert's favorites. If there was one thing that could cheer Robert up, it would his nerdy obsession. Nothing like a good issue of Spider-Man to cheer him up.
A memory he would hold forever, one he would treasure, and one that only hit him harder as he reached the door to Robert's room. A familiar sound immediately catching his ear, he quietly pushed the door ajar as he heard the beat. Robert was sitting at his desk, his head bobbing up and down, earphones snuggly tucked into his ears, and his eyes focused on his book. Robert Sugden the biggest nerd in school, not quite what he thought he was when he first met him. Aaron stood back just watching quietly enjoying the beat, the sound, Robert alternating between singing and humming. He wasn't much for talking really, but the bastard could carry a tune.
“Ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ohh ooh
Ayy, ayy
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh”
Aaron quietly laughed as it hit him. He knew exactly what it was. Robert had been obsessed with the song for weeks now, ever since he practically dragged Aaron to the new Spider-Man Animated film. Not that Robert really had to drag him anywhere, he'd happily follow him to the ends of the Earth if he could. Something about the song had clicked with Robert and he'd occasionally him it to himself.
“Then you're left in the dust
Unless I stuck by ya
You're a sunflower
I think your love would be too much
Or you'll be left in the dust
Unless I stuck by ya
You're the sunflower
You're the sunflower
Every time I'm leavin' on ya
You don't make it easy, no, no
Wish I could be there for ya
Give me a reason to go
Every time I'm walkin' out
I can hear you tellin' me to turn around
Fightin' for my trust and you won't back down
Even if we gotta risk it all right now, oh
I know you're scared of the unknown
You don't wanna be alone
I know I always come and go
But it's out of my control”
The butterflies in his stomach told Aaron to keep listening, but that would only make this harder, if he was going to do it, like a band aid he'd had to rip it right off. He knocked oh the door loud enough to know Robert would hear making him jump.
Robert quickly dropped his book, Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park, and pulled his earphones out. “Aaron!” He smiled.
Cupping his hands to his mouth as if making an announcement for all to hear, Aaron stepped into Robert's room closing the door behind him. “The biggest nerd in all of Emmerdale, ladies and gents.” He bellowed as he nodded to the book.
“You gave me this book.” Robert was quick to point out.
“It's not just the book, mate.” Aaron smiled warmly. Robert was right, he did gift him the book. Aside from comic books, Robert had always loved Dinosaurs, how could he not get him the book when he saw in a shop? His smile only widen as he realized this must the hundredth time Robert has read it.
“Shut up.” Robert picked up the book at threw it at Aaron as he stood from his chair and threw himself on his bed.
“Leave it to you to not go to your own going away party.”
“What's to celebrate?” Robert asked with what sounded like sadness.
“Leaving this shite village, for starters.”
“It's not so bad you know.”
Aaron jokingly scoffed. He knew Robert was right. Yeah most of the kids around all talked about wanting to get away from it as if it was some sort of hell hole. Only it wasn't. It was nice. It was his first real home. It was where he first met Robert.
“I know…” He paused for a moment. “It just won't be the same without ya.” He could feel himself welling up.
“Aaron…”
“So, you excited?” Aaron didn't give Robert the time to finish whatever nice thing he was about to say to try and comfort him. He didn't want him to feel bad about this, about leaving, about going for his dreams. “I'm chuffed for ya.” He told him as he walked over to Roberts luggage. “You got everything packed up and ready?”
Robert nodded, a sad smile on his face, and he let out a deep breath. “It felt weird, you know.”
“What did?”
“Packing up my entire life in them bags.”
“So they're all filled with comic books?”
“Shut up.” Robert laughed. For the first time today he really laughed. As excited as he was about what came next, he couldn't help but feel sad about it all the same. Yeah he had packed all of what he needed, everything but the most important part of his life, the one thing he cared about the most, the one thing he couldn't pack and take with him.
“Well, it's not like you're never coming back.” Aaron interrupted his thoughts.
Robert smiled, if only to put on a front for Aaron The future wasn't written, the lack opportunities he had once he finished school awaiting him back in Emmerdale were, so there was no telling if it would ever happen.
“So...what's next for Aaron Dingle?” Robert asks trying to move the subject along.
“Dunno, really. Guess finish up school and then probably end up working at the garage. You know...family tradition.” He shrugs his shoulders. The thought of living life without Robert had messed everything up. Up until Robert got accepted to the University in America, he figured he'd do everything with him. That future was now out of reach.
“You might want to start with making new friends.” Robert chuckled half-heartedly, it was partially a joke, but deep down he meant it. It killed him to think of Aaron all on his own. The grumpy git seemed allergic to every but him, and going off to school only made him feel like he was abandoning him.
“Fuck off.”
“Maybe get yourself a girlfriend.” Robert almost grimaced at the thought. Damn his feelings. Damn those fucking feelings he had been holding on to for so long.
“Yeah...maybe.” Aaron whispered afraid to let his true feelings out. “Well, I should, uh...I should probably head back home before me mum starts calling me.”
“Oh.” A sad look spreads across Robert's face. One that Aaron doesn't miss. “Yeah. Say bye to your mum for me will you.”
Aaron nods and starts to back away, his eyes welling up with every step, and he turns to leave before Robert calls back to him.
“Hey...I...uh...mum is driving me to the airport tomorrow at eight in the morning. I know it's early but, can you come say goodbye?”
It takes everything he has, but Aaron smiles and nods, unable to do anything else. With a final wave he turns and leaves the room, takes a look back to make sure Robert wasn't behind him, and ran as fast as he could. He ran with everything he had, held nothing back, and once he was well clear of the farm he tumbled into a field grasping at his chest. Nothing had ever hurt this bad.
Numbness is all he felt by the time he made it back home. Chas had seen the state he was in and tried her best to comfort him, tried her best to give him what little advice she could give him. In the end everything equated to how it would only hurt for so long, that after time he would heal, he would move on. Only problem was that he wasn't sure he wanted to. He wasn't even sure that he could. He dragged himself back to his room and threw himself onto his bed, willing himself to stop what he was feeling. He had to focus on the good. Yes, he might be losing Robert, but Robert was fulfilling his dream. Robert was going for what he wanted. Robert would be happy, and Robert being happy is all he wanted for him.
~~~~
Robert let out a sigh as he took one last look at the farm from the porch of his home, the one he grew up in, the one he was now leaving behind. He had all his bags sitting next to him and he had been sat there all morning waiting. He couldn't blame him, not with as early as it was, but he still had hoped that Aaron would have come to seem him off. He had hoped to see him one last time. Maybe he was on his way? Maybe he was just running late? He had forgotten his bicycle there the night before, so maybe…
“Robert, dear. We need to get going or you're going to miss your flight.” Sarah urged him. “I'm sure Aaron would have made it by now, but you know him. He probably slept in.” She tried to comfort him. “He'll probably text you before you board the flight.”
Robert swallowed past the lump in his throat and nodded as he tried to chuckle. “Yeah, you're right. His head is probably hanging off the side of his bed too.” He joked knowing all too well what a rough sleeper Aaron was. Still, he couldn't help but feel disappointed.
Sarah tried to make conversation with him on the drive to the airport, but all he could do was think back on what he was going to miss, and who he was going to miss the most. She had asked if he had everything sorted. His school papers, his student visa, his room number, all the sorts of things a mother would worry about. She told him she was proud of him and how proud his dad would be as well. She promised she would be up to visit him soon, and that he better be taking care of himself. She fussed on and on, but everything seemed to go with minimal responses.
“He's a strong boy, Robert. He's smart, gentle, and he knows how to take care of himself.” She finally said. “He's going to be alright.. plus you know Chas, she'll make sure of it.”
Robert had no response. He simply felt his stomach drop yet at the same time felt a wave of comfort. Of course his mum would know. There were times when he felt she knew him better than he knew himself.
“How long have you known?” His voice was nearly a whisper. Not because he felt embarrassed, but because he felt overwhelmed by the way she so easily loved him.
“I'm not daft, Robert.” You two have been inseparable, and I know how hard it was for you when your dad passed, and he was always there. He always made you smile, even when I couldn't.” She said tearing up. “But you're young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You'll make new friends and maybe in time you'll meet another boy that makes you feel the same way.”
“I…” Robert paused for a moment. “I think I like both. I think I'm bisexual.” He told her.
“Or girl.” Sarah continued unphased by Robert's admission. He was her son through and through. She would love him no matter what. “I know it's hard to hear it now, but in time you'll move on.”
“You're...you're not disappointed?”
“About?”
“Me not being normal.”
“Robert Jacob Sugden, you are lucky I'm driving or I would have slapped you right there and then.” She scolded him. “Don't you dare ever feel that you aren't, and even less let anyone tell you you're not.”
Pulling his glasses off, Robert wiped his sleeves on his eyes, drying up the tears that had built up. He never expected things to go this easy, at least not with his dad, but Sarah made him feel all his fears were for naught.
After a quick breakfast Sarah hugged him for what felt like an eternity. He practically had to wiggle out of her grasp as she peppered kisses to his cheek leaving stains of lipstick all over it.
“Mum!” He nearly hissed. “I'll miss my flight if I don't get in line soon.” He told her as he gestured towards the security gate.
Sarah wiped at her own eyes, tears of joy and pride welling in them, as she nodded.
“You be good okay.” it wasn't a question, more like a warning. As sweet as Sarah was, you'd never want to get on her bad side.
“Give Vic and Andy a hug for me will you?” Robert had said his goodbyes to his brother and sister the night before, but still he knew he would miss them.
Sarah nodded and waved as he turned and walked towards the gate.
“WAIT!” A familiar voice shouted.
Robert turned back to see Aaron running towards him.
“WAIT UP, YOU DIV!” He shouted again not that he needed to, Robert was already running towards him, but he couldn't help and call him a div out loud.
They collided into each other as their arms wrapped around one another, both padding each other's back. “I'm sorry I'm late, but I left my bicycle at yours...so I made me mum drive me instead but we missed ya.”
“Then how'd you get here?”
“You didn't think I would let you leave without seeing you off, did you?”
Robert shook his head furiously. Deep down he knew Aaron would come through.
“Besides, I had to give you a goodbye present, didn't I?” As hard as it was for him to do it, Aaron smiled and hand plastic shopping bag to Robert. “Didn't have time to wrap it, soz.”
Robert smiled widely and reached inside the bag. “But this is your favorite one!” He nearly gasped when he pulled out the purple hoodie from the bag.
“Yeah, and you've only tried to nick it like a hundred times.” Aaron laughed. “You can have it, maybe now you won't forget me.”
“Fuck off.”
“Language, Robert.” Sarah caught it. Still she couldn't help but smile as Chas joined her. Like old friend themselves they hugged and gave them space.
“I could never forget you.” Robert told him as he put his bags down and quickly put the hoodie on. With a massive smile on his face he picked up his shoulder bag and reached into it. His hand trembled as he pulled out and envelope and handed it to Aaron. “I'm really glad you came.” He told him.
“Like I said, not like I was going to let you leave without…”
“Seeing me off...yeah, yeah.” Robert laughed. “Look, I have to get going or I'm going to miss my flight, but you take care of yourself, yeah?” He said, his voice breaking, as he bent down and picked up his bags.
“Yeah, I will do.” Aaron said as he cleared his through the trying to hide just how distraught he was. “You too, yeah. Get your nose out of them books now and then and have some fun with ya.”
Robert took his glasses off and wiped at his eyes before placing them back on and nodding. He smiled one last time and began walking backwards toward the gate. Eventually he turned and got in line.
Aaron waited until he was out of sight, and waited still minutes after. He hold on to his envelope and waited until he was back home and in his room before he really took a look at it. It was a typical white envelope with his name written nearly on one side and a sketch of a sunflower with the word My written over it on the other side.
He opened it to a folded piece of paper with a note on it.
To my best mate, Aaron
I guess we can't have all our adventures together like we always thought we would, huh? I know we can still text or Skype and all that, but I'm still going to miss you. No matter what, please promise you won't revert back to your old self. Stop being so grumpy. Make new friends. And always know that I'm just a call away no matter what. Your friendship means the world to me and just cos we're no longer in the same country doesn't mean that will ever stop being true.
Take care of yourself, Sunflower.
- R
As hard as he's trying to hold in the tears, he can't help the confusion that hits him, the confusion that lasts all but seconds as it clicks into place, and he remembers Robert singing that song.
Then you're left in the dust
Unless I stuck by ya
You're a sunflower
I think your love would be too much
Or you'll be left in the dust
Unless I stuck by ya
You're the sunflower
You're the sunflower