Chapter Text
“Dean?” Sam called from the door at his brother sitting on the kitchen table, drinking a beer, applying a bag with ice on his right ear “Dean!” the tall one raised the voice this time, and finally He turned around surprised.
“What?” asked, speaking louder than usual. That Banshee really fucked him up.
Sam got closer and sat next to him “Cas is here, I asked him to heal your broken eardrums" He knocked his elbow on Dean’s ribs “Come on, he's waiting for you in your room” He smiled at his brother and winked, smug.
Dean moved backwards with a sour expression on his whole face “What are you, twelve?”
Sam smiled again “That's your way to tell me you're into Cas and I'm the annoying brother teasing you with your crush?”
Dean opened his eyes big, and he gasped like a fish outside the water “I-I don't know what you're talking about" He looked at the empty bottle with interest, and for the first time in his life, he found the label extremely interesting “… but you're right in one thing, you're a pain in my ass" He stood up and smacked him on the head. Sam laughed again in response.
Dean turned around frowning stranged, “and you’re in a good mood because…?” He moved his hand back and forth, forcing his brother to answer
Sam’s lightheaded smile fell instantly and looked otherside “What do you mean?” He wondered and bit a nail.
Dean lifted a brow “What do I mean? You look like the freaking joker, man”
Sam straightened up looking at his hands “Eileen… texted me last night and we uhm… we talked a lot” He shrugged.
“Oohh!” Dean grinned at his brother “And you are trying to school me about crushes?” He threw his head back in a full belly laughter “Cmon Sammy, you should know better than that” He left the kitchen with a shit eating grin plastered on his face.
Dean walked through the halls and the smile on his face decreased. Crush. Inside his sore head the word keep bouncing and the headache he lost a couple hours ago threatened to come back in full force. Luckily Cas was there to heal his pain. To heal everything.
Dean stopped right on his tracks and leaned his forehead against the cold tile wall of the bunker’s hallway. Sam is right, and Dean knew it. Dean knew the way he felt about Cas since… always. He can’t pinpoint exactly when the brotherly feeling changed and evolved into something more. He didn’t even knew if it actually changed or if it always been the same. But now, with all this thing with the darkness, he could notice that it isn’t love what he feels about her. It’s a power play. Amara is controlling him, and it’s not attraction... it’s not connection, like he tried to explain Cas two days ago. It’s not.
Dean took a deep breath, and his head throbbed. He thought he was fine after what happened with the Banshee, but her screams were too intense, too overwhelming. He wished he was dead at that moment. Even his eyes bled that night. And he thought Cas would be there to heal him when they came back, but he wasn’t. And it was weird. Cas was acting weird. First it was the depression, then he found the motivation in finding a way to kill the Darkness and his days locked inside his room binging Netflix shows ended.
He came back, fighting for them. For him.
After coming out of Lucifer’s cage together, Cas disappeared, like he always does. But Dean was aching to having him close, to mend things up with him. He felt like somehow me messed something up. He needed to know they were okay.
Mildred was right, he needed to follow his heart, as stupid as that sounds.
Dean breathed again and the pang of hurt in his forehead made his presence. He needed Cas to heal him, quickly. There’s no way to think straight in that condition.
He reached the doorknob to his bedroom, and hesitated for a second before turning it to the right to get inside.
First thing his eyes caught? A very comfortable Cas lying in the middle of his bed, looking at the ceiling. It seemed like he was looking at the stars. Maybe he could.
The breath got stucked in his throat, contemplating how nice Cas looked there, in his bed. Like he belonged there somehow. There wasn’t too much space, both of them were too big, but maybe if they hug they could be comfortable enough to spend the night together. All nights.
He shook his head to force the stupid romantic ideas fall out of it, just as Cas looked at him, and sat on the bed slowly.
“Hello, Dean” He said with his gavelly familiar voice. Even with the headache, hearing his voice and looking at those soft compassionate eyes, were always soothing.
“Hey, man” He smirked softly, and pressed his palm over his temples.
Cas closed the space between them fast and grabbed his elbow “Careful, Dean, come here, sit” He moved him to sit the bed, kneeling in the floor, in the middle of his legs, innocently.
Dean breathed deeply again. He knew that if it weren’t for the painful sensation inside his skull, he would find himself in a hard situation. Literally. Castiel’s presence was filling his senses, he was too close, too handsy. His hands and arms were too strong but soft at the same time, and the roughness in his voice was better than any drug.
“How are you feeling?” Cas asked softly, looking at him with a familiar frown.
Dean swallowed hard, and looked at his face, thinking about lying. He really considered it before conjuring strenght and spilling the truth “Not great” He replied, and his green gaze settled on his fleshy lips before being interrupted by a hard stab on the side of his skull.
“Shit” He whispered in pain, grabbing his head and pressing his fingers on it hard.
“Okay” Cas lifted his hands and pressed them against Dean’s, their fingers interwining in the process “Stay still, this might take a while” He spoke sweetly but completely focused on the task, eyes and lips half opened.
Dean closed his eyes, and felt the softness of Castiel’s hands. He always had a thing for those great hands, they were one of his favorite parts of Cas. Hands that could heal with such gentleness, but at the same time smite demons and fight heavenly battles. It amazed him.
The grace ran through his system, like a high speed drug. He could hear under his covered ears that Castiel was mumbling some sort of enochian spell. It must be more serious than he imagined, but again, he was too used to ignore the hurt, the discomfort. Maybe it was just his own destructive nature. Who knows.
The pain receded slowly. The headache began to disappear, and his head cleared up a little, but not enought. Dean opened his eyes and that unbearable preassure on his temples was replaced by Cas fragrance, by the way his lips moved while reciting that healing mojo, by the texture of his fingertips over his ears and knuckles.
His heart skipped a beat. They were so close. It is the perfect opportunity. Should he just… go for it?
“Cas” He could finally speak, and Castiel’s opened his eyes slowly, curiously
“I’m almost done” He said, tilting his head to the side.
“I need to tell you something” Dean whispered, and breathed deeply. He felt like his heart was trapped in the middle of his throat and there was no way to swallow it down.
Cas moved back just a few inches, to look at him better “What is it, Dean? You know you can tell me anything”
Dean breathed through his nose and exhaled through his mouth “I… This is so hard to say” He covered his face with his palms and Cas placed his hands on Dean’s thighs, distracting him completely from the shame, lighting up an implícit desire on the bottom of his gut. Maybe his feelings were reciprocated after all.
Dean observed those worry eyes, and the uniqueness of their blue helped him made up his mind “I love you” He blurted.
Cas’s eyes opened huge, more than Dean imagined they could “What?!” He asked, raising his voice, losing his characteristic deepness for a second.
Dean shed the last bit of shame out of his body and moved to caress his hands over Cas's resting on his legs “I’m in love with you” His heart was racing and his head was on fire “I always loved you, Cas… I… I didn’t knew how to tell you that I want to be with you” His breath got caught in his lungs and he tried to swallow the sudden lump in his throat. Whatever happens, he won’t cry.
He interwined his sweaty fingers with Cas’s, who was watching him, frozen, completely overwhelmed.
“I think… I think this could work between us… you know?” He looked at the angel’s lips, tempted, but let the thought slip out of his already melted brain. It was too much, too soon.
“You love me?” Cas inquired, surprised, and smiled.
His smile was nothing like the one Dean was waiting to see. It didn’t reach his eyes. It was sarcastic and cold.
“I love you, Cas” He repeated suddenly. His mouth absolutely didn’t check with his brain when he leaned foward, skimmering for a millisecond his angel’s bottom lip. He felt like he was about to burst into flames.
Cas jerked his head backwards, moving away from his friend’s mouth “What are you doing?!” He exclaimed, competely shocked “Are you insane?!” Yelled, standing up.
Dean was shocked, speechless. He was so sure Cas felt the same. The pain the banshee inflicted in him was nothing compared to this. This was worse.
Cas scratched his head, a gesture that called Dean’s attention. It wasn’t typical of him. Maybe he was too nervous about what he just did.
“I dont- I don’t love you, Dean! Not like that, okay?” He blurted out “You are my brother!” He yelled, impulsivelly.
Dean felt his chest was kicked by a horse. But not any horse. Troy’s horse. That size more or less. Actually, it felt exactly like that. He opened that door and was so careful not to let anyone inside his walls, and now the fortress fell and everything was on fire.
“Brother...” Dean repeated, trying to embrace that words inside his mind, to embrace it. He wasn’t gonna lose Cas over this fuck up of his “Gotcha” He looked at his hands over his thighs, they were alone and sweaty, his nails hurting the skin underneath, even though he was wearing jeans “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable” His voice fell out of his mouth like a thread of sadness.
Cas smiled in desbelief, and denied with his head “I can’t believe you did that” He looked at Dean up and down on that bed, defeated. Even when he was a full, grown man, he seemed like a little puppy being scolded “I need to leave” His face was displaying a disgust gesture and opened the door, turning around for a second “Call me if you find a track on Amara” He slammed the door and Dean flinched. He still was looking down, unable to face the empty space in front of him.
On the other side of the door, Lucifer retreated Cas’ lips in a huge smile, and broke into laughter. He bent over himself, letting go all of the cackling he swallowed inside the room.
“The big Winchester gay for Castiel! Oh-my-dad!” He whispered by himself with wonder, and giggled for a second before trying to compose himself.
After a few seconds he cleaned the tears of joy out of Cas’s face “Well, let’s see what my little tenant thinks about it” He closed Cas’ eyes and dug into the angel’s memories.
A hug here, a little stare there. Lots of SORRYs. Lots of eye fucks. Couple “I need you”s. Heart eyes there. Smiles and brief glances at lips. Broken connections. A profound bond. A claim made in the human’s soul. A fall.
Lucifer shrugged “Look at that… the lame pet feels the same” The corners of Cas’ lips went down “Heh” He displayed a crooked smile and quickly walked out of that filthy bunker.
Dean lay on his bed, alone, cold. Brokenhearted. Wandering tears fell from his closed eyes to his ears. At least now he could hear the sounds of his own sobbings. But the headache was still there and now it wasn’t alone. He never fell such unbearable pain thanks to a romantic deception. Something wasn’t right. It was probably himself. He was such a fuck up. Amara held him from the neck like a slave and the only one who could save him just left.
Dean cried his eyes out for six hours before getting out of bed, taking a shower and preparing himself a strong cup of coffee.
Sam came into the kitchen, peeking his head on the door “Hey, how do you feel about chinese?” He asked, nauseatingly optimistic.
“Not hungry, busy.” Dean replied lost in the Lore book he was studying carefully.
Sam furrowed his brows “Hmmmkay? I’ll make myself a sandwich then”
Dean sighed, annoyed and swallowed the perpetual lump on his throat. He kept reading that paragraph over and over, and spoke before Sam could ask what’s wrong.
“Did you know what a Hand of God is?” He said, looking at his brother, trying to display the most normal face possible.
Sam noticed, the redness around his eyes, the little veins, the swallowed cheekbones. Finally denied with his head.
“I think I found something” Dean smiled, not quite meaning it.
Sam frowned, but his nerd nature made him bit the hook, and sighed “Okay, tell me about it”