Archive of Our Own

Christmas isn’t necessarily Namjoon’s favourite holiday. It used to be, though.

When he’d been younger, Christmas had meant magical things were going to happen. It was almost guaranteed to snow, appa and eomma were going to be home at the same time, halmeoni and halaboji were coming down from the freezing north to visit them in Ilsan.

Those times were long over. And Namjoon knows exactly when they ended.

Winter is still his favourite season. Namjoon loves feeling the snow fall on his face, the way everyone’s cheeks blush gorgeously pink because of the biting cold.

Winter is still nice.

Christmas just reminds him of how lonely he is.

Christmas reminds him of how he is not welcome at home anymore ever since his eomma died six years ago. How his appa is enraged with the fact that Namjoon grew up to be a beta, someone that in his eyes will never find a suitable mate, will never produce any heirs.

It doesn’t matter he grew up to be one of University top graduates, that he runs a little surgery specialising in omega care, focusing on those who can’t afford the bigger ones.

It doesn’t matter that he is happy without a mate.

Because he’s a beta and he is supposed to feel miserable about it.

Namjoon doesn’t really know how he got into this situation.

It’s late, everybody else has left.

It’s Christmas Eve and it’s tradition to spend it at Seokjin’s and Hoseok’s place, all seven of them clearing their busy schedules to make time for great food and even greater company.

These nights, especially considering how rare they have become in the past few years, remind Namjoon of a very happy time in his life. Uni had been incredibly freeing after a time in Ilsan filled with stress and worry and expectations.

Uni had been where he had found his best friends, where he had learned to love, to hate, to fail and to truly accomplish.

It’s been 5 years since he graduated and there is not a day passing where he doesn’t miss that stupid dorm and his stupid friends.

His family.

Namjoon’s feels full but content, his cheeks flushed with the amount of soju they had downed.

Yoongi and Tae had been the first ones to leave, the desperate need to get back to their kids overwriting everything else. Yoongi had given birth only a couple of months ago to their second child and it was their first night away from their pup. And no matter how good and competent their babysitter was, the omega had been fidgeting all night, his scent so thick with sourness that even Namjoon smelt it. And no amount of scenting, of trying to get him to relax had helped. So they had left after dessert, Tae with an apologetic look on his face that every single one of them understood. They were happy for them. All of them. And even just seconds together was more than enough.

Jimin and Jungkook had stayed a lot longer, Jimin eagerly downing Soju bottle after Soju bottle, his laugh giggly and sweet and so different from the heavy musky alpha scent he was emitting.

Finally, Jungkook had taken pity on all of them, struggling to get a very clingy mate dressed and out of the door, firmly stating that scenting all of them three time in a row was very much more than enough for tonight.

So, here he is, tipsily sitting in an armchair at 2am, watching the fire place burning quietly, listening to Hoseok and Seokjin cleaning up the kitchen.

“Namjoon-ah.”

Hoseok’s voice pulls him back to reality, his head turning to see a very sweetly smiling alpha looking at him from the living room doorway.

“You wanna have another drink?”

Namjoon knows he shouldn’t. He needs to get a cab home, needs to sink into his own bed and cuddle with his dog until he falls asleep. He really should have skipped the drinking. It doesn’t help him with his mood. Ever.

“Nah, I should get going.” he mumbles as he moves to get up. As the only beta in their group, his nose isn’t as fine as everyone else's. Even though he taught himself pretty well over the last few years. He still tends to pick up on things last. Tends to not be able to read moods as quickly as his friends.

Back in Uni, they picked on him for being the oblivious one, right up until Seokjin found him crying in bed one night and made everyone stop.

It’s when the tip toeing began.

Namjoon hates it.

Hoseok and Seokjin had been the first ones to mate, having already known each other from high school. Namjoon and Hobi were in the same year and he remembers distinctively the Monday morning when Hoseok had come into their philosophy class, the mating bite red and angry and prominent on his neck.

It had been three weeks after freshman year had started. And it had pretty much doomed the little blooming crush he had developed on his first ever Uni friend.

He jokes about it now, how they had met at orientation week and Namjoon had felt drawn to Hoseok’s sweet smile and kind words. Maybe the reason was that Hoseok’s scent was the only one he had ever been able to truly and fully smell.

Maybe that’s why they are best friends.

Shortly afterwards, Namjoon had moved in with them.

He’d been kicked out of his temporary dorm, in desperate need for a place to stay and Hoseok had offered their little spare room.

That’s how he had met Yoongi, the grumpy omega from Seokjin’s year that was interested in music production and addicted to the worst kind of romantic kdramas.

Their group only grew, with Jimin and Taehyung joining two years later after Yoongi had very undramatically but very sweetly fallen in love with the childish alpha boy and Jungkook being the final addition after getting picked up by Jimin one night at a freshman party and deciding to just never leave.

It had been good. It had been exhausting but it had been wonderful.

Now Yoongi and Tae have kids, Jimin and Jungkook are in the fashion industry, travelling non stop.

Seokjin owns a little cafe down the road of their flat and Hoseok teaches dance to kids who have nothing else in life.

They’re grown up. All of them.

And Namjoon hates that he is still stuck in a world that has long ended.

Once again, Hoseok’s voice pulls him back from his mind.

“Monie can survive one night alone. You should sleep here. No need for you to get home this late.”

Namjoon frowns. “It’s really not that big of a deal. I’ll just call a cab, the ride is not too far.” he says with a sweet smile on his face, trying to ignore how Hoseok’s scent changes to something sharp, making Seokjin appear by his side in a matter of seconds.

Fuck.

“Namjoon-ah.” There is a look on the omega’s face that makes Namjoon know he has already lost this argument. “Listen to hyung. Just sleep here. We have a spare toothbrush and a very comfy guest bed and you’re not going out alone in this weather, in this condition because you’re deciding to play hero.”

And with that, Jin turns around, Hoseok giggles and Namjoon shrugs his shoulders, moving along to the bathroom.

The moment he gets up he notices the amount of Soju in his system. It's hard to look straight ahead as he slips into the bathroom, eyes staring at himself through the mirror.

Typical.

They had smelled how drunk he was.

Naturally.

Namjoon takes his time brushing his teeth, washing his face, hands gripping the sink tightly as he tries to stop the sadness flooding his soul as he breathes in the faint scent of his friends mingled together.

There is a knock on the door.

"Good night, Namjoonie."

It's Hoseok's sweet voice and the fact that he can see that bright smile in front of his inner eyes doesn't make it better.

He mumbles a response and waits another ten minutes sitting on the toilet before stepping into the dark flat.

There is the bedside table lamp illuminating the guest room, one of Seokjin's pyjamas laid out on the sheets and a tall glass of water waiting.

Namjoon falls asleep asking himself how he ever thought he was happy.

He is beyond glad for being an early bird.

The sun is barely rising outside as he wakes, pressing his nose into the pillow. Breathes in the familiar scent of his best friends.

Gets up.

Dressed himself.

Makes the bed.

And leaves.

Walks home, the biting cold stinging his cheeks.

Halfway he notices his phone ringing in his pocket.

He gets himself a cup of coffee for the rest of the way and ignores the buzzing.

Jinnie: You could have at least stayed for breakfast. Or left a message. Hobi was worried. Like ridiculously worried. This is not funny, Namjoon-ah.

Me: Sorry, I didn't want to wake you. I felt icky and nauseous, just wanted to get home. Didn't mean to scare you.

Jinnie: Just, say something next time, okay?

Me: Okay.

Namjoon expects things to go back to how they usually are. Him drowning in work. Him getting home late at night and eating takeout. Reading essays. Going over files. Sleeping. Getting up to do the same thing over and over again.

Most things go back to being just like they usually are.

Some things don't.

After the third dinner invitation from Hoseok in two weeks that he declines, the alpha snaps.

Because suddenly, there is someone at his door on a Wednesday night.

And it's a very angry looking Jung Hoseok.

"Kim Namjoon!" he grunts loudly and if it wasn't ridiculously terrifying, Namjoon might have thought it was cute. The angry scent almost forces him into submission.

He takes a step back and it does nothing to help.

Hoseok pushes past him, pressing a bag into his arms before very angrily shrugging his coat and shoes off.

For a moment Namjoon wants to say something, ask what Hobi is doing at his flat on a week night but he actually wants to live so he stays silent.

"If you think you can avoid me by saying you're too busy to eat dinner with me, guess what? It's not working. I'm just bringing the dinner to you."

Hoseok looks pissed.

And Hoseok never really looks pissed.

Jung Hoseok is a ball of sunshine, a smiley kind man who people say are so unlike any other alpha.

Namjoon’s inner wolf is almost shaking with the amount of pheromones that are emitted.

“I wasn’t trying to avoid anyone or anything.” he mumbles as he closes the door behind his best friend, reluctantly following him to the kitchen. All he gets is an sarcastic scoff.

“Yeah right.”

The tension is thick as they stand silently in the kitchen, plating the ridiculous amount of food that Hoseok brought over. Hobi in his fashionable hobo look and Namjoon in his actually hobo look.

They move to the living room, to the running tv and Namjoon’s notes spread out over the entire coffee table.

He barely manages to save them before Hoseok places the plates and grabs his chopsticks.

They eat in silence for a good while.

This is the first time he remembers it being uncomfortable.

At some point Hoseok puts his chopsticks down and turns around.

“Okay. This is weird. Tell me why this is weird.”

Right, so it hadn’t just been Namjoon who had noticed.

He can’t do anything but shrug.

Hoseok rolls his eyes.

“Namjoon-ah.”

Somehow Namjoon had expected to hear disappointment.

The compassion weirdly confuses him.

“I can feel that there is something on your mind. Something upsetting you. And unless you tell someone, not necessarily me, we can’t help you. And you know we all want to.”

He doesn’t doubt that.

He doesn’t doubt that they’d all be worried about him. Yoongi and Tae and Jimin and Jungkookie.

If any of them actually had the time to care.

The thought of encumbering them with his insignificant self consciousness.

All of them have far more important things to deal with.

A small slap on his thigh pulls Namjoon out of his thoughts.

Even though there is a smile on Hoseok’s face he can see the worry glistening in his eyes.

Namjoon looks away.

“I’m just saying, Joonie. Any one of us will listen. I promise you.”

And with the last amount of self control he makes his face light up and his lips smile and even though he knows Hoseok doesn’t believe it the rest of the evening at least feel partially normal.

Yoongi: You've been awfully quiet in the group chat lately.

Yoongi: Plus Hobi ranted to me about you over coffee yesterday.

Yoongi: You good, man?

Namjoon: Peachy.

Yoongi: Ouch.

Namjoon: I'd prefer it if you didn't talk about me behind my back. I thought me telling you that back in Uni was enough.

Namjoon: Guess not.

Yoongi: Okay, let's stop this bullshit for a second. I have a three year old who acts more mature than you, Kim Namjoon.

Yoongi: Now cut the crap and don't act like we want to hurt you or belittle you in any way.

Yoongi: [Delayed] Answer hyung.

Namjoon: I'm sorry. I'm very stressed.

Yoongi: This isn't stress. I've seen you ace your master exam years ago, the most important one of your entire career and you were only half as bad back then.

Yoongi: [delayed] You found someone.

Namjoon: Is it that obvious?

Yoongi: To me it is.

Yoongi: Being in love or courting someone shouldn't cause you this amount of stress.

Yoongi: [Delayed] Okay, is this about you being a beta?

Namjoon: Parenthood has made you even scarier.

Yoongi: I knew I was right.

Namjoon: That someone is mated.

Yoongi: Ouch ouch.

Namjoon: To someone who is literally the most beautiful omega anyone has ever seen.

Yoongi: If this is Tae, I need to chop off your dick.

Namjoon: Very funny, hyung.

Yoongi: Gotta try everything to lighten the mood.

Namjoon: Me distancing is just my way of getting over it.

Yoongi: Have you talked to any of them about this? Have you disclosed how you feel about either of them?

Namjoon: I'm no masochist, hyung.

Namjoon: Also, they're an alpha/omega couple. What good would disclosing anything do?

Yoongi: Those two things you just said don't relate in any way, shape or form.

Yoongi: Polyamory exists. Polyamory with multiple alphas, multiple betas and multiple omegas exist. ABO couples exist. It's not like it's something terribly exotic.

Namjoon: I know you're trying to help but please stop.

Namjoon: This is not helping.

Yoongi: All I am saying is, Namjoon-ah: Don't deem things unrealistic because you're in love with a mated couple or that you are a beta. Because neither of those things hinder you.

Namjoon: Yes, hyung.

Namjoon: Thank you, hyung.

Yoongi: Ah, Namjoonie. What do I do with you?

Unlike Hobi who can’t keep shit for himself even if his and Seokjin’s lives depended on it, Yoongi knows how to keep a secret.

At first, Namjoon is worried that literally everyone will know but when no one texts him about it and Hoseok stays the same on his weekly dinner invasion, he is fairly certain that he’s safe.

Whether that’s a good or a bad thing, he doesn’t know.

Because at some point, it’s not just Hoseok coming over but also Seokjin and the feeling of sitting between them, squished together as they watch KBC is the sweetest torture Namjoon as ever experienced.

Normally, Namjoon was very good at keeping this crush down. It’s not like this is the first time he had felt this way.

He had fallen for Hoseok as soon as they had met and after getting to know Kim Seokjin, things hadn’t exactly become easier.

But with Uni and the ability to just leave for Ilsan for a couple of days (or weeks), things had been a lot easier to manage.

Now, his flat smells like roasted sunflower seeds and the tiniest hint of honey all of the time and it’s just sweet, sweet hell.

It’s a Friday morning when things change.

Fridays are usually busy. He closes the surgery fairly early plus the impending weekend triggers a lot of emergency cases who want to get checked out before the surgeries close for two days.

Fridays have become Namjoon’s favourite days.

Because the work doesn’t allow him to let his mind wander. Makes him focus and clears his head.

It’s miraculous.

The clock reads exactly 11:28am when his front desk nurse Soomin knocks on the door gently and sticks her head in.

“Seonsaengnim?”

Namjoon lifts his head.

“Hoseok-ssi is on line two. If you’re too busy I’ll tell him to call later.”

This is weird.

Normally Hoseok would just text him. He knows Namjoon is busy on Fridays.

His throat tightens. Something must have happened.

“No, it’s fine. Thank you, Soomin-ah. Be so kind and bring Mr. Lee Jinwoo in room three. I’ll be there in a sec.”

The nurse smiles at him before leaving him alone in his office.

Namjoon swallows thickly before picking up.

“Hoseokie.”

“Namjoon-ah! Thank you for picking up, I know you’re busy and I promise you it won’t take long.”

“Why didn’t you just text me? You know I carry my phone anywhere.”

There is a sigh on the other side and it does nothing to ease his anxiousness.

“I have a patient waiting, Hobi. What is it? “

Hoseok takes a deep breath before he answers.

“I think Seokjin is pregnant.”

The rest of the day is like a dream.

A nightmare he doesn’t manage to wake out off.

He finishes work and continues to sit in his office, staring at the wall for what feels like ages.

At one point Taemin, one of his other nurses, steps in, thick coat wrapped around his slender form.

“We finished up, seonsaengnim. You need anything else?”

Namjoon shakes his head before looking up.

“I’m going on vacation.” he blurts out, making Taemin’s eyes go wide.

“Really?”

Namjoon nods.

“From Monday on. At least two weeks. I’m already looking for a substitute. You’re the one in charge while I’m gone, okay, Taemin-ssi?”

The nurse nods.

“Also, my friend Kim Seokjin needs an appointment. Make it Monday or as soon as you can squeeze him in.” he mumbles, fingers tapping the wooden desk.

“That would be all, thank you.”

Taemin closes the door behind him, leaving Namjoon in the eerily quiet office all by himself.

Turning towards the computer, he starts getting back to work.

It’s not that hard to find a good substitute. One of his Uni friends owes him a favour and immediately says yes to substituting for him.

For a moment, he contemplates whether he should book a holiday but he decides to just rent a car and drive.

Makes it easier to clear is head.

The second he gets home, he packs, grabs Monie and is out of the door just as the sun starts setting at the horizon.

First stop is Ilsan.

His sister’s eyes widen as he stands in front of the door right around dinner time, Monie happily barking and almost jumping up and down Kim Minsoo’s legs.

The look on Namjoon’s face seems to be enough to make her not say anything, just pulling her little brother into her arms while scenting him softly.

“Come in. Joohyun is just making dinner.”

It’s been a while since he visited his sister. They regularly text and talk to each other on the phone but Namjoon doesn’t like coming back to Ilsan. Ever since they had to bury his mother, this place has turned into something that fills him with agony.

It feels good to be here with his sister though. She’s two years older than him, an alpha woman who owns a little flower shop she runs with Joohyun, her beautiful omega mate. They are both fierce, two women who don’t take shit from anyone, who are confident and happy with the life they are living. Joohyun can’t bear children after having been in a car accident as a teenager but none of them miss having pups. Their tiny house is filled with flowers and three adorable cats and lots of love.

As they sit at the dinner table, Namjoon makes a note to visit her more often.

He hadn’t wanted to stay for this long, had only wanted to leave Monie at his sister’s so that he could travel freely but Minsoo convinced him to stay the weekend.

On Sunday afternoon, she steps into the living room, phone in hand.

“That was Hoseok.”

Namjoon’s heart falls.

“You didn’t tell anyone of your friends that you were leaving town for weeks?”
He shrugs and Minsoo slaps his arm.

“Eomma raised you better, Kim Namjoon. You don’t do that to your friends.” she says sternly as she sits down on the sofa opposite of him.

“I told him that there was an emergency with Joohyun and that you came over straight after work. You’re welcome, little brother. I saved your arse.”

Namjoon rubs his face harshly. His head starts pounding.

“He was crying, you know? Because no one could get a hold of you. He was really worried.” Minsoo says softly, her eyes on him.

Namjoon tenses.

“I think it’s time for you to tell me what this is about. Because you are not the type of person to just bail on everything to go travel for two weeks without telling anyone anything.”

For a moment, Namjoon thinks she is going to get up and sit down next to him but she doesn’t. He is grateful for the distance. They’ve never been touchy feely. It would feel weird if it suddenly changed.

It takes him a little bit to control his voice, his emotions. To not fall apart the second he voices what he has never voiced before. Not since that first day of Uni 9 years back.

He looks up at Minsoo, straight into her eyes.

“I am in love with Hoseok and Seokjin.”

He leaves Monday after breakfast.

They had barely slept, had talked about Namjoon and his situation all night. Joohyun had joined them at some point, sitting next to her brother in law, touching his forearm or thigh comfortingly every once in a while.

It hadn’t just been about Hoseok and Seokjin. He had bared himself naked in front of these two women for the first time in years and it had felt so, so good.

Minsoo had ended the conversation at 4am, kneeling in front of a snoozing Joohyun, her eyes averted.

“I think you should leave Seoul. That city isn’t good for you, Joon-ah.”

These words echo inside his brain all morning. He can’t get them out of his head no matter how fast or slow he drives.

He had sent all of his friends a text, saying that he was fine and that he had taken the opportunity to get a little bit of time off of work. Had informed Seokjin of his appointment. Had even taken a selfie for the groupchat after half an hour of attempting to look anything but horribly sad.

And then he’d shut down his phone and driven off.

It feels a little bit like back in Uni when he’d needed a break.

And this is lovely.

He reads a lot, finds little hostels where he can just chill and relax, eats in local restaurants and takes a lot of walks. And when he’s sick of a place after two or three days, he gets into the car and just leaves.

His phone only rings two times when work is calling him about specific patients but other than that, he has it completely muted.

Somehow, while he’s sitting on the beach in Busan, cold air almost freezing his nose off, he forgets about Hobi and Jin, about how his heart yearns for them almost constantly, forgets how he misses their mixed scent and their laughter and their smiles.

One night at a bar, he meets a cute omega girl, one that keeps sending him shy glances and giggles sweetly.

Eventually she approaches him and they talk about anything and everything, about his job and her studies. He manages to avoid having to dance because he’s horrible at it, absolute shit and she pouts, presses her face into his neck and places a small kiss there.

“You smell wonderfully, Namjoon-ssi.”

He immediately stiffens.

He’s a beta, he doesn’t smell like anything. He hasn’t even put on cologne this night because he hates getting mistaken for an alpha and having to disappoint people with the knowledge that he cannot produce a knot.

She seems too focused on rubbing her nose against his scent gland to notice him being uncomfortable.

His voice isn’t very loud as he speaks up and especially because of the noise around them it’s immensely impressive that she understands a word that he’s saying.

“I don’t smell.”

She gently shakes her head against him, pulls back only to press their lips together. Her lavender scent engulfs him and he sighs softly.

“You smell like pine trees. Deep and wonderful and fresh.” she sighs happily against his lips, hands flat on his chest.

She is tiny against him, with long blonde coloured hair. She is everything Hoseok and Seokjin aren’t. And she cannot keep her hands off of him.

Somehow, they end up in his hotel room.

They fuck.

It’s good.

It’s pretty damn great.

When he wakes up in the morning, she is gone, having left a sweet message and her phone number on the pillow next to his.

As he grabs it, pressing his face into the fabric, he starts crying as he wishes it smelled like something else but lavender.

Those two weeks pass too quickly.

He’s on his way back to Ilsan the Saturday before he has to be back at work. Grabs Monie and refuses to spent another night as his sisters.

She repeats what she told him before he left, that she thinks the countryside would be a better choice for him. To stay grounded.

Namjoon doesn’t know whether he agrees or not.

He arrives back home at his flat pretty late at night. Naturally it’s still quite busy because Seoul rarely ever quiets down. Namjoon always liked the quiet noises, fading in the background. Always felt like a heartbeat keeping him alive.

Monie barking as he jumped out of the car startled him, making him look up.

There, in the darkness, caressing his dog softly sits Hoseok, cuddled up in a giant coat who seems to be engulfing the entirety of him.

“Hoseok…”

Namjoon doesn’t know what to say.

The smile on Hoseok’s face is sad. Devastatingly sad.

But he smiles. He alway does.

“How long have you been waiting here?”

Namjoon doesn’t know whether he wants to know the answer.

It’s biting cold and even if it’s not that windy anymore, it’s still freezing.

“Just a few hours. Seokjin is at his omega club meeting and I was bored.” he sighs. “I figured you’d be coming home tonight.”

The smile brightens up a little bit.

Namjoon’s heart breaks.

He only realises he’s crying when Hobi’s face falls and he gets up to walk over to him.

“Joonie.” he mumbled, pulling him into a tight hug.

Hoseok gives the best hugs.

Somehow, today they don’t seem to be working.

Namjoon starts sobbing as Hoseok holds him, Monie curling around at their feet.

After what feels like eternity, Hoseok manages to get him inside. To sit him down, to get his stuff back inside, to make them some hot coffee.

Namjoon feels the tears drying on his face, the saltiness heavy on his tongue as he stares at the wall, asking himself when exactly his life turned into this.

Into him being miserable. Him being sad.

Eventually, Hoseok sits down next to him, still shivering, gaze falling heavily onto Namjoon.

“I am really worried.” he mumbles eventually and it’s almost impossible to not start crying again as Namjoon notices his best friend’s scent turning sour.

“Did the trip help?” he resumes asking, moving closer, their thighs touching.

That torturous feeling.

If there is one thing Namjoon cannot do, it’s lying to Hoseok.

So he shakes his head.

Hoseok nods understandingly.

“Is there something I can do?”

Namjoon hesitates. Then shakes his head again.

Hoseok exhales a very shaky breath, fingers tightening around his cup.

For a moment, a thought rushes through Namjoon’s head whether Minsoo is right after all. Whether him leaving is not only better for himself but also for everyone else. For Hoseok and Seokjin. For Yoongi and Taehyung. Whether cutting them out of his life would makes theirs just so much easier.

Namjoon stares at his mug, stares at the little steam clouds puffing away from the coal black liquid.

“I’ve been thinking about leaving Seoul.”

To voice that thought is weird, feels foreign and simply odd. But he hadn’t been able to shake it since Minsoo planted that idea in his head, since he fucked that cute omega girl in Busan and figured that maybe there were other people out there.

Someone who would actually desire him back, no matter how undesirable he is in the big trendy city of Seoul.

An ugly sob pulls him out of his thoughts, making him look up.

Tears are flowing freely down Hoseok’s face and he cries, loud and miserably, hands shaking. One can see he’s desperately trying to pull himself together but he can’t, he fails as he looks at Namjoon as if the beta just broke his heart.

Namjoon had been sure that Hoseok would be sad.

But he didn’t expect this.

For a moment, he is still, dumbstruck, mind blank.

“Hoseokie.”

Hoseok wants to say something but nothing comes out.

He sets his mug down, gets up, starts pacing. The sobs don’t sob. His face is angrily red, just like it turns when he has drunk too much.

Namjoon repeats himself and Hoseok stops, curling in on himself.

It takes a few seconds for him to realise Hoseok is submitting to him.

“Pleaaaaase…. Please don’t leave me, Namjoon-ah.”

Hoseok sinks to his knees, bows to him.

Namjoon’s eyes widen, silent tears streaming down his cheeks as he gets up, hurries over, wanting to pull his best friend up because they don’t do this. But Hoseok is determined.

“I’ll do anything. Anything. Just… please. Please don’t go.”

The pheromones make Namjoon’s head dizzy. He gets down next to Hoseok, gripping him.

“Stop. Stop, what are you doing? Hoseok…”

When his best friend looks up, Namjoon is not prepared for the look he gets. So broken, so lost.

It’s as if he’s looking at his own face.

“Maybe this will finally make you realise what you mean to me.”

He can’t help but quirk an eyebrow.

“What?”

Hoseok laughs bitterly. Wipes his eyes. Sits up.

“I’m calling hyung over.”

It’s weird again. While they wait for Seokjin.

They drink the coffee, watch something on tv while Hoseok distantly pets Monie who has curled up on his lap.

It takes Seokjin about 35 minutes to get to Namjoon’s flat.

When the beta moves to open it, the look on Jin’s face is almost murderous.

“Kim Namjoon, what have you done to my mate?”

Namjoon cowers in submission as he stares at his feet.

“I told him I was thinking about leaving.”

Seokjin’s jaw falls open. Then rushes past him.

“Let’s talk. Right now.”

When Namjoon enters, Jin sits next to Hoseok, embracing him as the alpha sniffles against the omega’s scent gland. He wants to scream, wants to kick them out because this is his home and he can’t take this, not anymore.

But it wouldn’t be fair to either of them so he holds his tongue.

“Sit down, Namjoon-ah.” Seokjin says. Namjoon complies.

They all take a deep breath. Wait.

Namjoon speaks first.

“I’ve been away to think about a few things. To clear my head. I think I’ve come to decide to leave Seoul. I don’t know when. But I need a change of space, of atmosphere.”

Hoseok starts sobbing again. Jin hushes him softly, stroking his hair.

“Then go.”

“HYUUUUNG!” Hoseok whines, shaking his head.

Jin’s voice is ice cold.

“If you want to go, then go. Why are you still here if we mean so little to you that you don’t even discuss this with your closest friends, people you call family?”

That stings.

“Hyung, that’s not…”

“THEN WHAT IS IT, KIM NAMJOON?”

It’s the first time Namjoon’s nostrils fill with the entirety of Jin’s scent. Next to the soft honey there is some kind of nutty almond scent and no fucking wonder Hoseok loves him with everything he has.

Namjoon cannot blame him.

Kim Seokjin has just proven himself to be perfection once again.

Namjoon pauses.

“I am not happy.” he says, with a shaky voice. “I am suffocating, I am drowning and I feel so lost.”

Jin and Hoseok lean back, astounded.

“We knew that.” Seokjin starts, interrupted by Hoseok’s teary thick voice.

“We didn’t know it was this bad.”

It is this bad is all Namjoon can think about.

“It doesn’t mean you have to go, though.” Jin resumes. “We’re here to help.”

Now it’s Namjoon’s time to laugh and both of their eyes widen.

“You cannot help me.”

The couple in front of him looks kind of appalled, hurt to be underestimated like that.

“Why wouldn’t we be able to help?” Hoseok mumbles. “We’re your best friends.”

There is a very weird anger rising up inside of him. Not against them. Never against them.

Namjoon learned to hate himself a long time ago so he perfected that.

“Never mind.” he whispers, getting up. “Congratulations, by the way.”

In the corner of his eyes, he sees Seokjin and Hoseok exchange looks.

“On what exactly?” Seokjin’s voice is firm again, angry and stiff.

Namjoon wished he had the strength to look at them.

“On the pup.”

The cruel sound of both Hoseok and Seokjin giggling almost breaks him apart.

“Namjoon-ah, that was a false alarm. I am merely to stupid to keep in check how my cycles run. My heat isn’t due for another four weeks.”

Namjoon hates that he feels happy about that.

“Oh. Sorry.”

Jin scoofs. “What the fuck is your problem?”

If Namjoon wasn’t tired and sad and lonely, he would have probably said nothing. But he just wants them gone, wants to be alone and move to the countryside, maybe back to Ilsan because even his sad and disgusting father seems better than this.

But he is weak.

Turns around.

“You are.”

Jin gasps theatrically.

“Excuse me?!”

The dam is broken.

“You are. Both of you. Because you two are perfect and wonderful and the best mated couple, most devoted mated couple I have ever seen. Because I look at you and know I can never have anything like you have.”

Seojin frowns. “Namjoon, is this about being a beta…”

“THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME BEING A BETA, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. THIS IS ABOUT ME BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU!”

Silence.

Oh shit.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuck…

“Come again?”

Hoseok’s voice is weak but it’s mainly confused.

“I need to go.” Namjoon says, turning around.

“Kim Namjoon, if you step out of his door, I will use my alpha voice on you and I am not joking.”

All of the sudden, Hoseok’s voice doesn’t sound as weak anymore.

So Namjoon stays put. Doesn’t leave.

“Sit down.”
Namjoon sits down.

Notices how he had picked on his cuticles making three fingers bloody and achy.

“Elaborate.” Seokjin says and Namjoon tries not to shiver.

“I don’t really know what there is to elaborate on.”

Licking his lips, Jin frowns. “Well, for starters, start with who you meant as you said you’re in love.”

Hoseok almost chuckles.

This is humiliating.

“Isn’t that obvious?” the alpha says quietly and Seokjin actually smirks.

“Seok-ah, I know he means you I just thought it’d be good to hear it.”

Hoseok’s jaw drops.

“I meant you, hyung.”

For an entire minute, Namjoon watches both of them bickering and arguing about who Namjoon is in love with, entirely forgetting that the beta is still in the room with them.

Eventually, he has enough.

“It’s both of you, you idiots.”

They stop immediately, turning towards Namjoon.

“What?!” they wheeze simultaneously.

Namjoon rolls his eyes.

“Don’t you think it’s been more than enough of you making fun of me today?” the beta mumbles as he gets up.

“I just want to go to bed.”

Seokjin and Hoseok start laughing

Namjoon looks up, rubs his eyes.

And stops.

The laugh coming from both of the others is paired with thick, round tears as they hug each other close.

“I can’t believe this, hyung.” Namjoon hears Hoseok whisper against Seokjin’s scent gland and the omega smiles widely, nodding softly.

He stand there, observing.

“What is going on here?” he asks, hesitantly.

Jin starts wiping Hoseok’s tears away.

“Sit down, Namjoonie, because I think you need to hear about the story Hoseok told me 9 years ago about “The cute beta boy I met in Philosophy class.”

Namjoon does sit back down.

And listens to the most wonderful story of his life.

In the end, he cries, all of them do.

Falls into the arms of the two people he cares most about.

How ironic, how cruel that all of them had been so deeply in love, oblivious and too blind to see it, to pay attention to it.

All of this time, Namjoon had felt the urge to leave.

Little had he known that Seokjin and Hoseok slipped into his life, determined to stay.

And stay they do.