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Dorset was boring. He loved his parents, of course, but in the winter, he couldn’t even go to the seaside. He Flooed Isaac a few times every winter, but all Isaac wanted to do was read and kvetch, and while that could be fun – really, the truth of the matter was that he missed Reg.
He knew that his chances of visiting with Reg during hols was next to nonexistent, and he knew that Reg’s mum read his letters, so while they did write, it wasn’t remotely close to the same.
When he got a letter from Emmeline Vance, asking if she could come over, he thought that it might prove a welcome break from his boredom. His parents approved (and were probably just glad that he had a friend that he couldn’t fall in love with – as if there was any chance of him developing feelings for Isaac, of all people!), so she came over on a Thursday afternoon.
He’d never really spent time alone with her before, and he wasn’t quite sure what to expect. They were in the same House, and the same year, and they’d shared classes and had conversations before, but Reg or Isaac had always been there. Should he ask Isaac to come over, too? No – he’d be fine. It was Emmeline.
She came via Floo, and he felt awkward hugging her, so he sort of hovered awkwardly. “It’s great to see you!” he said.
She hugged him. “Max! Hi! How’ve you been?”
“Good, mostly,” he said. “Dorset’s really boring when I can’t go to the seaside, really, and there’s only so many times I can help my parents or visit Isaac without being overwhelmed by the monotony of it all. How about you?”
“Good. I actually – wanted to talk to you about – something. Is there anywhere, er, private where we could talk?”
The problem with having a friend who was a girl, Max realised with a sense of panic and dread, was that she could fancy him, regardless of the fact that he was gay. He didn’t have anything against telling Emmeline he was gay – but then he would probably have to tell Isaac (which, while kind of terrifying, he knew would be fine, because it was Isaac, and he probably already had figured it out, anyway) and Reg (...which, well, he really wasn’t all that sure about).
“Er, sure,” he said, which came out more like a squeak. “We can go to my room.”
“O-okay,” Emmeline said.
Max led her upstairs to his bedroom, introducing her to the Kneazles as they passed two of them.
“It’s a bit of a mess,” he warned outside of his bedroom door.
“I’m sure it’s fine,” Emmeline said, and he wondered if she knew the full scope of what she was in for.
He opened the door, anyway, and Emmeline didn’t make any comment about the mess. She carefully made her way to his desk and sat down in the chair, while he flopped down on his bed.
“What’s up?” he asked after a few minutes of silence. Or, well, maybe it was just seconds. Either way, it was unbearable.
“So, er… I’ve spoken with Dirk about this, but… I thought… you’d sort of – be a good person to… talk to. About this.”
“Er, okay,” Max said. Shit, did she fancy him? Even after seeing his room? He had to do some damage control. “Emmeline, you know, I think you’re lovely, but –” he tried to think of an excuse that could feasibly work without outing himself – Isaac! “Isaac is my best mate!”
“I think you’ve got the wrong idea,” Emmeline said. “Trust me, I don’t fancy you. Or Isaac. Or Reg.”
Max felt himself relax considerably. Crisis averted. “Oh.”
“It’s actually that – I’m gay. I – only fancy – other girls.”
“Oh,” Max said. “Well – shit, I’ve just gone and made an arse of myself.”
Emmeline smiled. “You’re fine. I can – understand why you’d reach that conclusion. I just sort of thought I should tell you before – Regulus and Isaac. Because, well, you know.”
“Isaac fancies you,” Max said. “Yeah, no, that’ll be just a bit awkward.”
“And Regulus.”
“Reg doesn’t fancy you,” Max said.
“Well, no,” Emmeline agreed. “But I’ve sort of – got the impression that… well, Max, surely you’ve noticed?”
Max took a deep breath. “You mean his ongoing casual homophobia?” He tried to say it as offhand as possible, as if it didn’t bother him at all.
“He told me that he was afraid to ask Isaac for advice on what to get you for Chanukah because he was worried Isaac would think he was gay.”
“Isaac does think he’s gay,” Max said. “I’ve tried to convince him you can be homophobic without being gay – that most people who’re homophobic aren’t gay – but he won’t hear it.”
“And it’s not just that,” Emmeline said. “Why I’ve told you.”
“Er?”
“I’m not – asking you to out yourself, or anything, and maybe I’m off-base about you, personally, but – we’ve all heard rumours about – well, your whole family, really.”
Max frowned. “What d’you mean?”
“Max, everyone knows your dad was with men before he married your mum.”
Max hadn’t known that. “Emmeline, I’m gay, but my dad’s –” he realised then what he’d said. “Oh, fuck.”
“I won’t tell anyone,” Emmeline promised. “We can just sort of – forget you’ve said it.”
“I’m pretty sure my parents are – well, they haven’t told me they’re not straight, but then I guess that’s sort of shitty of me to assume they’re straight just because they’re married and in love and haven’t said they’re not straight. Jacob’s bisexual, though. And Shira. Not that you or Isaac stand a chance.”
“Isaac?” Emmeline asked. “Does he fancy your sister-in-law?”
“Well – maybe, actually, now that I think on it, but he’s fancied Jacob since he’s known him. Not that he’d ever admit it, but – it’s sort of painfully obvious when you see them interact. Didn’t you see them together at my bar mitzvah?”
Emmeline hummed. “Yeah, all right, I can see it. He did sort of bolt out of the library when I said your brother had arrived.”
“You haven’t got to forget that I’ve told you I’m gay,” Max said. “I’ve said it, haven’t I? And it’s not as if it’s not – really obvious.”
“For – what it’s worth,” Emmeline said. “I do think Isaac is right about Regulus.”
“Come off it,” Max said. “He’s not. I’ll – tell him, eventually, but – he’s straight.”
“Max, you know you can tell me if you fancy him.”
“It’s an ill-advised crush,” Max said. “It’ll go away eventually.”
“That’s not really a healthy way of looking at things,” Emmeline said.
“Then what is?” Max asked. “Should I tell him that I’ve been completely head over heels in love with him since first year? Then he’ll think this whole time I’ve just been taking advantage when I haven’t. He’ll probably never talk to me again, and I couldn’t bear that.”
“Regulus loves you,” Emmeline said.
“He loves me now, when he thinks I’m straight and not in love with him. He won’t still love me if he finds out.”
“Even if you’re right about him being straight – and I don’t think you are – why do you think he’d stop loving you if he found out you’re in love with him? Would you stop loving Isaac if you found out he was in love with you?”
“Well, no,” Max said. “It’d make things a bit awkward, but I wouldn’t – no.”
“Then why can’t you extend Regulus the same benefit of the doubt? I’m not saying you should tell him; that’s up to you and only you. But I think if you do, it won’t be the end of the world like you think.”
“Maybe,” Max allowed. The thought of coming out to Regulus was outright terrifying, and he didn’t know if he could ever tell him that he was in love with him.
“And Regulus knows you well enough to know that you’d never be predatory. And I – Max, I, of all people, understand that fear. But Reg won’t see it that way.”
“I hope you’re right,” Max said. He sighed and sat up. “I really don’t want to talk about this anymore, if you don’t mind.”
“All right,” Emmeline said. “Then what do you want to do?”
“...Chess? We’ve got a set in the living room.”
“Chess sounds lovely,” Emmeline said.
Max knew, really, that he was lucky to have friends like Emmeline – and Isaac, too. He hadn’t come out to Isaac yet, but he knew the worst that could possibly come of that was some bragging about how Isaac had been right all along. He knew Isaac would always love and support him, and knowing that about Emmeline, too, made things just a bit better.
If only he could be sure of the same with Regulus.