Chapter Text
Julian sits alone at the mess hall. Emma is still picking weapons with Diana. A part of Julian really wants to go wait in their room, but he doesn't want to seem too clingy. Because of his emotionless spell, they are still messy. He doesn't want to screw up what they have. And he does need to eat.
He notices Raphael a few tables down, and he smiles at himself, thinking of Raphael's horrified reaction to Magnus' name choice. He never met Raphael in his own world, and many of the stories about him made him sound morally gray. And he certainly seems grumpy. Not very approachable. But in here, Raphael looks after and cares for Livvy, and that's enough for Julian.
But that's not the only thing Julian thinks about when he looks at Raphael. He thinks about a confession, a possible secret. Julian and Raphael have more in common than their affection for Livvy and hatred for Sebastian.
Before Julian even notices Raphael move, suddenly he is standing right in front of Julian. Julian might show his startledness, if he hadn't spent the last five year learning to control almost every one of his reactions. As such, he can play it cool.
"What are you looking at, Blackthorn?" Raphael looks annoyed yet poised, like he isn't part of a rebellion in a post apocalyptic world. Like he was still the leader of a powerful vampire clan.
Even though physically Raphael looks younger than Julian, he manages to excude power. But Julian has been the acting head of a Shadowhunter Institute for 5 years, which has given him hell of lot of diplomatic skills. He acts completely unphased by Raphael's intimitation tactics.
"Just thinking of what I know about you from Magnus." Magnus should be safe territory.
Raphael sits down on the other side of the table, and raises an eyebrow, "What's that supposed to mean? It can't be worse than having a child named after me."
Julian is uncertain how to continue. He does want to talk about this, even though Raphael is a pretty weird choice, even if he is also the only one. But how will Raphael react? How common knowledge was this?
But when Raphael starts to look really impatient, Julian realizes it's now or never and blurts out, in a whisper, "Magnus told me you're asexual."
Raphael doesn't react, his face is a mask.
Julian takes that as an okay to continue. "I don't think he's told anyone else. He only told me because..." suddenly Julian feels like he might be out of words. But Raphael's reaction has changed, become slightly softer. "Because I might be too. Kinda."
Raphael's eyebrow raises again, and Julian wonders if that's about the Endarkened version of him. Based on the PDA he saw earlier, he might be suspicious too.
Eventually, Raphael smiles at him a bit. It's surprisingly kind. "It's true, I am asexual. I don't really advertise it, because it's no one's business."
Julian lets out a relief sigh. He's not even quite sure why, but hearing Raphael say it, it makes it realer. Explaining himself doesn't seem as hard now.
"That Endarkened version, it isn't me. I'm not really like that. The only thing we have in common is that... It's always only Emma. No one else."
"Only?" Raphael asks, curiosity in his voice.
Julian smiles, happy to use his new knowledge from the Internet, "The Mundanes call it demisexuality. I don't feel attraction before there's a bond, and even then it's only for that person."
Raphael nods, looks thoughtful. Julian wonders if he's ever had someone to talk about these things either.
"So. What was it like, before?" Raphael asks.
"I felt worried that there was something wrong with me. I was confused. I didn't understand why I wasn't feeling what everyone else was feeling. I got older yet nothing happened. I mean, I had kids to raise and an Institute to run, so I didn't really have time to think about it, but... I was different, and I didn't know why. Even when I realized my feelings for Emma, it still felt different."
Talking about this to someone who might really understand feels so freeing. "And now, it's still only Emma. No one else makes sense to me like that."
Julian laughs a little, which feels a little weird, "I once told Emma, while I was hiding my feelings from her, that I had a crush on Isabelle Lightwood but that was a lie. I liked looking at her at my sister's wedding, but that was it. It's nothing like what I feel for Emma."
Raphael smirks, "Good choice."
Julian briefly wonders how well Raphael knew Izzy. But his thoughts are interrupted when Raphael asks him something,"How old were you?"
"About 14, 15 when I realized it for the first time. I still remember the moment. But it was a long time coming." Julian smiles gently, thinking about that day on the beach. Attraction can be weird.
Raphael looks thoughtful again. Suddenly Julian feels like he was too talkative, too busy trying to get it all out. But Raphael is still there, sitting opposite him. Maybe he wants to talk about this too. It takes a moment, but Raphael looks like he made a decision, and starts to talk,
"I know how you feel. I was 15 when I died and I was already feeling the same way. Except I never found anyone and I didn't have the words until decades later. Magnus helped me find them."
"Me too."
Raphael stands up, "Well, welcome to the Ace club. But don't spread this around. I don't want people to think I'm weak and nice. "
"I promise."
Before Raphael leaves, Julian decides to get up and walks to him. He extends his hand and is slightly surprised when Raphael actually takes it.
"I wish you'd have survived in my world."
Raphael seems a bit surprised but hides it well, "Same to you."
"Take care of my sister," Julian adds before Raphael can disappears into the crowd. Julian still wants to take Livvy back with him, but he's not sure if he can.
"You can count on it," and it has a gravitas that Julian recognizes. Raphael must have been a big brother too.
Raphael is gone as quickly as he appeared, and Julian feels grateful towardd him, for getting to have this convesation.
Julian finishes his food alone and prepares to go back into his and Emma's room. He doesn't know what to expect, they are not parabatai here but he's not sure what they are. All he knows is that Emma is the one for him, and he hopes he can fix things, and that they will find a way to be happy together. He's not always sure he can have that, but for now he has hope.