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The blackout drapes of the little French pub couldn’t damper out the rowdy laughs of their friends inside it. They stood outside it, in a discreet narrow alley of the rural village. Warm breath and whiskey combatted the night’s damp cold, which had previously sat, stagnant, in Bucky’s bones. He was standing, his and Steve’s bodies wrapped in a close embrace. It felt too natural, and too comfortable to Bucky, as if it would be easy to slip into a sort of addiction. Steve was not as concerned. Naturally, he felt as rebellious on the matter as he did with many things the pair discussed. After all, Steve had disobeyed the army once before, and could get away with it again. Steve leaned even closer to Bucky, their lips inches apart. Bucky knew this was the exact moment he would have to decide.
“I can’t,” He pulled his head back, looking at a recently chipped cobblestone in the road, avoiding Steve’s eyes. At the words, Steve immediately retreated his hands from their previous position on Bucky’s back, to resting his palms flat against his friend’s midriff. “The blue tickets… We can’t – I – can’t be seen,”
He lifted his gaze enough to quickly see the crease in Steve’s brow deepen.
“Buck,” Bucky had now distanced himself from Steve. His decision was made.
“No, Its… different for you. I,” He started back down the alley, facing his closest friend and backing away, his speed increasing. “Can’t.” He finished, anxiously meeting Steve’s gaze. Bucky turned as Steve stepped forwards. His message was clear, and Steve wouldn’t follow to wherever he was going.
Steve stood there, seeing the dark form of his friend turn the corner. Standing still, he looked in the direction Bucky had fled, he began to ruminate the event. All his life he had, though mostly unsuccessfully, fought injustice. Seeing someone, especially someone as close to him as Bucky was, incapable of doing so themself, was painful. His thoughts grew more erratic and anxious. Could he protect Bucky if they were to be found out? Was he safe where he was going? Steve didn’t think it would be in Bucky’s nature to harm himself, but what if he did? What if the town was invaded the next morning and Steve couldn’t find him?
Bucky sat on one of the village’s little docks. He had childishly taken off his shoes and had his feet in the freezing saltwater, the action comforting, and the water’s temperature a release from his mental turmoil. It reminded him of times as a teenager going to the beach late at night with Steve and putting their feet in the cold water. Perhaps that was around the time he had first truly fallen in love, a young teenager naïvely discovering and keeping all aspect of himself. In the moment, those memories felt bittersweet and far, far away. He knew he would never be able to have a relationship with Steve. That was something that would only happen in his infantile and optimistic dreams of the future.
He was aware that he had hurt Steve, and potentially their friendship as well, but for the moment he didn’t care. He was so afraid going to prison, and of the discrimination and alienation he would feel at home. His parents loved him, but they would still be hurt if Bucky came back home early with a blue discharge, and he was doubtful that the Howling Commandoes would stay his friends. It was a way he could not live his life. Worse than even that, he thought, would be if Steve abandoned their friendship over this. Though, that was far below his character, it was still possible, and surely it would at least make their friendship suffer.
The creak of a plank on the dock announced his presence, severing his reflective thoghts. Bucky whipped around, his training and instincts kicking in full swing. But it was only Steve who was walking towards him. Bucky could get up and walk past him again, but he thought, if their friendship could be spared, it would be best to trust Steve not to talk about it. Steve’s pale features glowing in the moonlight, he walked to his friend as Bucky relaxed again. Steve sat next to him, and Bucky rested his head on Steve’s broad shoulder. Steve brought his arm around Bucky, and they embraced yet again, however, very differently this time.