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“Taekwoon.”
As soon as the name left his mouth, Taekwoon could feel the rain digging deeper on his shoulders, each raindrop feeling heavier and heavier as he stood longer in the rain.
He had actually just been standing by the door seconds ago, ready to knock on it. Yet, the moment his knuckles hit the wood, all of his confidence drained from his body and he dragged himself out of the porch.
Maybe this is a joke he’s playing on himself; he doesn’t really know what he’s doing here. It’s a little too late for a visit — more so from someone like him — isn’t it one in the morning?
His fingers shivered under the warmth of his coat pockets, as much as it can give due to the cold rainshower he’s in right now, and he feels his whole body tremble instead when the person by the door finally realises that Taekwoon is, indeed, unfortunately standing by his door, unannounced and uninvited.
“Hi,” Taekwoon greets him lamely, voice most likely muffled by the rain.
“What are you doing here?” There is no spite in Hakyeon’s voice, but his face is still unreadable and mostly shaded from the light.
“I just—” What’s he going to tell him when he doesn’t know either? “I don’t know why I’m here.”
It’s always like that when it comes to Hakyeon. Like his brain defaults to his subconsciousness which does whatever it wants without his body’s consent.
“Well,” Hakyeon starts, leaning against the door frame and his arms crossed in front of him. Out of everyone, Taekwoon should be proud he knows Hakyeon the most yet right now he can’t tell if he wants him standing outside his house like a madman. “Let me rephrase that. Why are you here?”
The question didn’t really change much, and rather, it only makes Taekwoon just want to shrivel up more on the muddy ground because he doesn’t— he doesn’t know why on earth he decided to show up at his ex’s front porch in the middle of the night,
“I… I really don’t know,” Taekwoon ends up admitting, shamefully, desperately trying to find the faint glimmer in Hakyeon’s eyes as he watches him wallow sadly under the rain.
“Of course you don’t,” he hears Hakyeon sigh, before he unfolds his arms and pads back inside, “tell me you do want to go inside instead of getting sick in the rain, do you?”
And as always, Taekwoon’s body moves first before anything else.
The mug of coffee in his hands are burning his palms; Taekwoon thinks it's not enough to wake him up and make him realise that he is, in fact, sitting inside a living room he once thought he would always feel the cosiest at.
Not that that has changed.
“Do you have anything to say or you just wanted to mooch coffee off of me again?” Hakyeon grabs his attention from across the table, hand cradling his cheek as he watches Taekwoon endlessly stare into the pooling mug of caramel in front of him.
Of course free coffee is something that would make Taekwoon's night and Hakyeon would know that. But there's something underneath his tongue, beyond his throat, that Taekwoon couldn't put into words.
“Give me a moment,” he tells Hakyeon, quietly. He’s not quite sure how many moments he needs, and Hakyeon is just as patient as ever. It’s almost like he’s not mad him and they’re just having another simple coffee date.
It’s when Taekwoon’s heart settles down, and actually feel warm enough that his skin starts prickling from the heat that he finally answers him.
“I wanted to thank you.”
Taekwoon first felt thankful for Hakyeon when he was just walking to class and he was cradling a hot cup of coffee, and a person almost crashed into him if they weren’t saved by a third person holding their arm out to prevent the mishap.
The person apologises profusely, then, bowing briefly before briskly walking away to save himself from the embarrassment.
“Are you okay?” Taekwoon looks at his saviour blankly. He’s trying to recognise who he could be until it clicks that he’s one of his classmates. Shyly, he nods at his question, not really knowing what to say. He probably should thank him — but somehow, his throat feels dry. It must be the coffee.
“That was so close,” he smiles at Taekwoon, anyway, unbothered by his silence. “It’s not a great day to pay a visit to an emergency room when you have an exam,” then he pauses, stuffing his hands inside his jeans as he looks up, thinking, “wow, that sounded worse than I wanted. It’s never a great day to be in an emergency room.”
Meanwhile, Taekwoon, looking at him running his tongue off behind his coffee cup, a little bit like a deer in headlights. He should know what his name is— Hyungshik?
“Do you wanna walk to class together?” Oh god, he really does who Taekwoon is.
“Okay,” Taekwoon finally speaks out, softly, still hesitant to let himself to get comfortable around him.
“Ahhh, I don’t really wanna take the exam,” he hears Hyungshik whine, distractedly looking outside the window. Huh — since when did it start to rain? “I haven’t studied much and I’ve only slept for two hours.”
“There’s still half an hour left, before the exam starts,” Taekwoon mutters and he doesn’t know where he’s going with this. He bites his lip, now thinking carefully about what he wants to say, “I can help you review, if you want.”
Hyungshik looks at him, mouth agape and eyes wide open. “Really? You’ll help me?”
The younger shrugs non-committedly; it’ll help them both jog their memory, so why not?
“Thank you, Taekwoon!” Hyungshik looks too happy for someone who’s just going to study for a hellish exam, but, ‘ it’s cute ,’ Taekwoon supposes anyway, as they walk towards their classroom, ‘ he’s not a bad company.’
They spent the remaining minutes huddled at Taekwoon's desk, Taekwoon pointing out the most important information to take note of that Hyungshik should try to remember at least if he wanted to score enough.
Eventually, they did had to separate and wish each other good luck, Hyungshik patting his arm lightly before trotting to his own desk.
As expected, everything Taekwoon studied for was in it, some of the minor questions he's forgotten the answer about and had to rely on guessing and luck, but he should've answered correctly enough to score higher than average.
He finishes after Hyungshik, and he wonders if the other finishing before him was a good thing or if he just forgot most of the answers anyway and just breezed through the exam empty-handed.
“Ah—” Taekwoon tries to call out, hand shyly reaching out in Hyungshik's direction who's currently facing out the window and watching the sky pour down. “Hyu—”
“Hyung!”
And Hyungshik turns to the voice, looking mildly surprised yet smiles warmly in the end when someone starts approaching him.
“Hi, Sanghyuk,” Hyungshik barely greets him, his attention easily back to the view outside.
“You didn't study, did you?”
Taekwoon, at all levels he can't stress enough, feels like a creep right now, just listening to them talk without knowing about his presence.
Maybe he can thank Hyungshik another day. They’re classmates, anyway, it’s not like this is the last time he’s ever gonna see him. Tomorrow perhaps he would have even forgotten that he helped Taekwoon today, and Taekwoon could save himself from whatever else embarrassment he can cause to himself.
“Taekwoon!” God— why did he have to spot him just when he was about to run away? “Come here!”
Unfortunately, he's in no position to run away anymore, only shamefully nodding before carefully walking towards the two friends. Maybe, just maybe, if he exhausts them enough, he can go.
“Sanghyuk, this is my classmate, Taekwoon,” Hyungshik introduces him, animatedly presenting his face with his palm, “Taekwoon, this is Sanghyuk. He's like my little brother even if he’s taller than me.”
“Hyu— Hakyeon-hyung!” Sanghyuk whines next to him, punching his arm lightly over the embarrassment of being compared to something like a smaller brother.
Ah.
“Hah- Hakyeon?” Taekwoon repeats the name, his surprise almost evident in his voice as the syllables drip out his lips. Has he been calling him the wrong name this whole damn time—
“What's up?” It's great that, uhm, Hakyeon didn't notice him losing his mind over this revelation, but it doesn't help either that he doesn't have any excuse now for suddenly saying his name out loud.
Quickly, Taekwoon tries to conjure something up, his tongue suddenly turning into sandpaper and once again he's at a loss for words.
Hakyeon is, still, looking at him expectantly, if not patiently, actually. All of his attention focused on Taekwoon that he barely acknowledged the fact that Sanghyuk excused himself with a short “it's nice to meet you” to Taekwoon before running to his next class.
“I—” Oh god, he can't say he didn't know Hakyeon was his name. “I just—”
“It's okay,” Hakyeon reassures him, gently, his voice warming him up from the cold air the rain shower outside is giving, “take your time.”
And like that, he pats the window sill next to his space, gesturing Taekwoon to come look out the window with him.
“I love watching the rain,” the older begins, voice slightly muffled now that Taekwoon's closer to hearing the sound of rain, “there's something about it that's so comforting. Sometimes, I think it loves me too. Rain just seems to follow me wherever I go!”
While Hakyeon's so distracted from admiring the view, Taekwoon is too. They're just looking at two different things and Taekwoon is ashamed to admit that he likes the way his eyes crinkle every time he gets overly excited about what he's talking about a little too much.
“Thank you,” Taekwoon finally says, after he finished noting every detail on Hakyeon's face, and he's actually worried the other might not have heard him as his soft voice has nothing against pouring rain.
“For what?” Hakyeon doesn't seem bothered, though, still not taking his eyes off.
“For… For helping me earlier,” Taekwoon tries to supply, he doesn't really know either what the exact reason he's thanking him for. It's like he just wanted to thank him for just… Letting Taekwoon get this comfortable? Being patient? Not finding him off-putting?
“All I did was stick my noodle arm out,” he hears him muse with a chuckle. But he does pull away from the window now, resting his cheek on his palm as his eyes do that thing that's quickly climbing atop Taekwoon's list of favourite things, “I should thank you instead, for helping me review. I really wouldn't have known the answers to the matching type questions!”
‘This,' Taekwoon thinks as he just feels himself subconsciously curling his lips, ‘I can get used to it.’
His tongue no longer feels like a desert, and there's a sudden airiness in his mouth that he couldn't figure out if it's the adrenaline or something else.
Either way, he shakes it off, a brief show of confidence as he taps on Hakyeon’s arm, “come on, let's get coffee.”
The next time Taekwoon felt grateful for Hakyeon, they're sitting together at a café booth and watching the skies slowly darken.
“It's been a while since we last had lunch in this place,” Hakyeon comments conversationally, distracted slightly at the chance of rain that's about to come, “I don't know about you, but I think this place has a lot of good memories.”
Taekwoon snorts at him across the table, yet he lets Hakyeon take his hand anyway. He watches him play with his long fingers, gently massaging his knuckles, admiring its beauty despite being just a bony hand for the younger.
“I'm hungry,” Taekwoon complains in the end, despite quite enjoying the attention Hakyeon is giving him. They can do this in his flat for all he wants, after this anyway. “I'll order for us. What will you have?”
“I'll have… I think I'll have iced-shaken hibiscus tea today,” his boyfriend replies, merely glancing at the chalkboard menu, “a clubhouse sandwich sounds good, too.”
The line isn't that long when Taekwoon queues up, so it didn't take him much time standing around waiting for his turn. For himself, he goes to order a cinnamon frappe and a banana-walnut waffle.
Hakyeon is busy scrolling through his Instagram feed when he returns bearing their lunch, immediately ripping his attention away when the smell of food hits his nose.
“Oh right,” Hakyeon says, startling himself before patting his pockets, “let me pay you.”
“It's fine,” Taekwoon tells him, shrugging off the thought of having his boyfriend pay over a simple cafe lunch, “my treat.”
“Taekwoonie…” The older actually looks like he's about to tear up, and this short display of silliness makes him laugh breathily, flicking Hakyeon's nose affectionately.
“Are you sure that’s enough for you?” Hakyeon pops up when he sees that Taekwoon’s only having waffle, and he, for one, knows quite well that Taekwoon has an appetite equal to a family of three, “I can share half of my sandwich with you.”
“It’s fine, Yeon ,” Taekwoon reassures him half-heartedly, already busy slicing his waffle and spreading the whipped cream all over, “I’m trying to diet for the football team.”
He hears his boyfriend making a humming noise, and Taekwoon looks up to see Hakyeon holding up a bread knife almost threateningly. “I wouldn’t call that a diet when you’re just eating sugar.”
“Oh spare me the lecture,” the younger mutters, words slightly jumbled as he chews his treat. But Hakyeon is relentless, and there’s a pout on his face that Taekwoon can’t figure out if he just wants to kiss it away or he’s trying to communicate something he can’t say. His eyes glance towards his plate again, and Taekwoon finally realises what he wants. “You know you can just tell me you want a bite.”
“... Shut up.” It doesn’t shut both of them up, unfortunately, with Taekwoon just softly chuckling to himself as he slices a piece for his boyfriend and Hakyeon parts open his mouth.
“This is so…” Taekwoon begins while he watches Hakyeon happily munching, “you’re so insufferable.”
“And yet you’re dating me.”
There really is no arguing with that.
It’s when they’re about to go outside the building rain greets them as if it’s a happy surprise.
“I really should’ve brought an umbrella,” murmuring, Taekwoon inhales the scent of rain through the open door and it shouldn’t be as nice as how he thinks, “it rained when we last came here too.”
“Aw, but that day was memorable! You kissed me under the rain!” Hakyeon nudges his side jokingly with his elbow and Taekwoon lets go of the door, only coming back to sit at where they were just minutes ago.
“It’s not like I have any choice,” Taekwoon finally replies to him as Hakyeon settles beside him this time, clinging to his arm and tangling their fingers in the smallest ways for warmth, “you bring rain wherever you go.”
Hakyeon doesn’t say anything, though, only laughing softly as he presses into Taekwoon further, fully knowing already how true Taekwoon’s words are.
‘Our next class isn’t really much of big deal,’ Taekwoon concludes, then regrets it a second later, ‘well, music theory is a pretty big deal; but I’ll let this one slide for now. Hakyeonnie is really warm.’
And he never fails to make him warm, even when his fingers are biting cold from the rain or he’s trembling whenever he can’t breathe and the words won’t come out his mouth once again.
It’s not much, but it is a lot for Taekwoon.
Sometimes, Taekwoon ends up walking around his flat, finding things he forgot he placed in places that don’t make sense. Sometimes they’re something minor like a pen he never knew he owned, or a pair of jacket that’s too small for his shoulders.
Maybe it’s his worsening memory, his college days slowly decaying from his mind that he’s really forgetting things he had before or… Someone forgot to pick up.
There are times it is bad enough, though, and it brings him to another state of subconsciousness he hates.
Just like earlier, he found candles stuffed inside an unused drawer, the scent wafting towards his brain and melted everything down, making him dizzy as if it was some pre-planned trap.
And when he ends up sitting uselessly on the couch, trying to wear of the dizziness, he decides that nothing can help calm him down than coffee. So he swallows the non-existent pebble in his throat, and pads towards the kitchen.
The first thing he sees, of course, is a coffee brand he hates, yet he continues buying it, just for the… The sake of it. He blankly pours the beans in the coffee maker, hands already trembling as he tries his best not to spill anything.
It’s getting too hard lately.
When he does finally turn the coffee maker on, he slumps against the counter, exhaling loudly to the emptiness of his flat, unwelcome to anything except for the slow, drumming sound of rain hitting his windows. It’s the closest thing he could ever have, and Taekwoon hates nothing more than wanting more.
He closes his eyes, focusing on the rhythmic thump, thump, thump the pouring rain gives, as if it’s gently caressing his windows and calming him down even before he could say so himself.
His small illusion gets destroyed fast, however, the sound of the coffee maker beeping to his ears as if it’s some alarm clock begging him to wake up from this ridiculous gloom.
There’s no one else he can blame but himself, after all; being the person who cut the strings off yet he’s also the one desperately trying to find the fallen threads in the dark and tie the last few strands he can find.
It really is— he really is pitiful.
Literally who in the right mind would just end up crying over coffee? Rain? It’s really gotten worse.
On some days, too, when Taekwoon hates himself more than yesterday, he turns on the music he knows means something more than just a few bars of chords and lines of lyrics.
It’s quite a great match — his voice and the rain — he’ll try to adjust to this again. Just like the first time. It’ll take time, but Taekwoon will try to get used to this.
The only thing that’s holding him back is seeing… Seeing more meanings behind everything every day. There are nights where he can’t fall asleep unless rain is falling, needing to rely on technology just so he can trick himself that he’s not losing grip of who he is.
Fingers stretching out into his bed that suddenly feels too empty, too spacious for him, he keeps trying to find something— someone each day.
‘Nowadays,’ he tries to convince himself as he watches the rain again, hands clinging to a cup of coffee for the barest minimum warmth, ‘I’m doing pretty good.’
“I wanted to thank you.”
Taekwoon still hasn’t found the reason why he wanted to thank Hakyeon, just like the day they met; the words only sit on his tongue and when he finally mumbles them, he realises how fragile he’s become.
“That’s cute, Taekwoon,” Hakyeon comments, looking at him with an unreadable expression, “why?”
He doesn’t know if Hakyeon is being short with him as he just wants this— this sudden, impulsive visit to be over it or whatever, but Taekwoon will try his best not to let this… Let this discourage him further.
“Do I really need a reason?” Taekwoon answers him, for once, not letting his eyes leave the table. If he sees the way Hakyeon is looking at him right now he really might just end up running away. “What if I— what if I really just want to thank you?”
“Do you just thank your exes like that, Taekwoon?”
“No—”
“Look, I begged you for a reason why you wanted to leave me either, and you couldn’t say anything. How am I supposed to feel like this sudden gratitude is genuine?”
“Hakyeon, it’s not—” Taekwoon tears his eyes away from the wooden surface in the end, habitually wanting to look Hakyeon in the eye when he wants to prove a point, and he really, really shouldn’t have done that.
What he expected to be a look of annoyance, dread, grim and all the wrongs words end up stopping short and he’s met with something that mirrors himself right now. Hakyeon’s jittery, thumbs fiddling his nails as he looks at anywhere but Taekwoon’s face.
“ Hakyeonnie ,” he tries this time, the syllables of the nickname tumbling out his lips like a magic spell, and it works, just so he can get at least half of Hakyeon’s glances. “I really can’t— you know the best that I can’t find the words to help me explain why I wanted to leave back then.”
“And I’m not forcing you to tell me why—”
“But it was the worst thing I’ve done, and every day I still look for you everywhere,” Taekwoon tries his best spilling all these words out, each word as heavy as a stone in his throat, “and apologise — because I really have no idea what I was doing back then but you keep me feeling alive and yet I cut away my only lifeline. I’m not— I’m really not here to— to retie broken strings, I honestly just wanted to thank you.”
There’s no lump in his chest now, the weight slowly lessening as Taekwoon finally tells him everything he’s ever wanted to say, “to thank you for being always patient with me. For giving me warmth. For making me comfortable in my own skin.” He pauses, reaching across the table to touch Hakyeon’s cheek, “I’m so grateful for you, Hakyeon. You’re the best thing I had.”
He watches Hakyeon slowly breathe, taking his rushed monologue piece by piece, eyes closing as he trembles in every breath. “Are you done?”
The brief, show of confidence he had all drained from Taekwoon’s body and along with it went his energy; somehow, talking too much really does tire him a lot.
“I— yeah…” Taekwoon answers him, out of breath and arms heavy at his sides, “I’ll just— I’ll go now. Since I finally said all that.” He stumbles on his feet as he walks towards the front door, shamefully hanging his head and the colour of embarrassment decorating his ears. “Uh, goodnight, Hakyeon.”
His fingers shiver as he touches the doorknob, but he does get to twist it, and once again the rain is here to say hello to him.
“You’re not going anywhere in this weather,” he hears Hakyeon say, gently, behind him, until Taekwoon feels his body heat right behind him and Hakyeon’s fingers cover his on the door knob, shutting the door back and quietly locking it.
The silence is getting too heavy, and Taekwoon is starting to feel choked up when his skin jumps as Hakyeon runs his hands down his arms to shyly hold his wrist, still looking everywhere but Taekwoon’s face but it doesn’t hide the fact that he’s just as red as him. “Stay the night, will you?”
And Taekwoon really should control his body well around him, as he feels himself nodding, allowing Hakyeon to lead him, walking hand-in-hand in the dark with the sound of rain once again thrumming against the window panes like a gentle song and his feet doesn’t feel lost at all even when Hakyeon pulls his heavy, drenched coat off of him and shoves a pair of pajamas that Taekwoon’s sure he’s worn when he slept here before.
Still, the older hasn’t said anything, only watching the rain outside as Taekwoon changes.
Hakyeon’s bed is a lot bigger than his, after investing over a bigger bed they both saved up for so they wouldn’t feel so cramped when Taekwoon crashes over.
Even then, despite the large space Taekwoon feels when Hakyeon pushes him down the bed, it doesn’t feel lonely nor cold as Hakyeon settles right next to him immediately, back against the window, against the moonlight and Taekwoon’s left to his devices to wonder what he’s thinking about right now.
‘Maybe it’s gonna be okay,’ he tells himself as he stares up at the familiar ceiling above him and he feels Hakyeon curl up closer next to him, hand finding its way back easily around Taekwoon’s waist, ‘we can talk more about this in the morning.’
For now, Taekwoon is back home.