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They can’t fuse.
They’ve been trying.
It used to make them happy. They used to love it, because being together had always been so much than being alone, even if they thought it made them defective, even if they knew it would get them shattered.
They want to try, ever since they reformed, ever since the news came out.
Cross gem fusions are no longer illegal.
You don’t have to worry about being caught.
You won’t be shattered for it.
There were still caveats. Things no one had mentioned but followed along in the wake of it anyway.
You don’t talk about it. No one needs to know if you’re doing it. No one needs to know what kind of gem you’re doing it with. No one needs to know what kind of monstrosity you think you make.
You don’t do it in public. You don’t walk around the streets, fused like you belong there.
Jade and Jade had already made that mistake once.
Now they were reformed, remarkably unshattered, and frankly both were still shocked by that outcome.
But they can’t fuse.
They’ve barely even touched since they reformed. Each time they try, all they can think about is the ball.
Pink Diamond fusing with an organic.
The gems she had with her fusing in her wake.
There had been a wonderful, stunning moment where everything they wanted to be was right in front of them. They couldn’t help it. They had fused too because for that second everything had been perfect.
And then they had been separated.
Torn apart, certain that they would both be shattered at any second.
But that hadn’t happened.
And now everything had changed even though nothing looked like it had.
They were in Jade’s apartments. Jade was sitting on the couch with her head in her hands while Jade paced back and forth across the room. The door was locked. They had fused in here dozens of times before and this time it wouldn’t matter who caught them. But this time they couldn’t do it.
Jade lifted her head. “Will you stop pacing?”
“No,” Jade said, but she stopped anyway. “How many other gems do you think are fusing now?”
“I don’t know. A lot. None. I don’t know.” It still shocked her that it was something other gems did. That it wasn’t just them. It was… it wasn’t normal. But it didn’t make them broken.
They had both spend so long certain that something was wrong with them. That it shouldn’t be possible to do that because- because it wasn’t possible Anything that said otherwise was nothing but fanciful legends or myths that made fusions out to be monsters.
But there was nothing wrong with them.
Or maybe there was.
She still wasn’t sure.
“I can’t stop thinking about it,” Jade said, staring at her hands in her lap. She had gotten rid of her gloves when she reformed. She wasn’t completely sure why. It had just felt better. “The ball.” She ran her fingers over the gem on her cheek. “Why can’t we be happy about this? We should be happy about this! This is good!”
Jade sat down next to her, clenching and unclenching her fists just for something for her hands to do. “We should be happy,” she agreed. “But we're not.”
“No,” Jade sighed. “We’re not.”
Jade ran her fingers over the yellow of the couch. Everything in her apartments was yellow and green. She used to love it. Thinking of her Diamond, of Homeworld. Thinking that if only she and Jade were allowed to fuse then everything would be perfect.
Now all the yellow just made her feel sick, “Is it weird that I can still feel it? What My- what Yellow Diamond, did…”
“No,” Jade assured her. “I’ve been getting that too.” Not real pain, but the memory of it. A moment where everything was perfect. A moment of pain when everything was ripped away. And all the fear of afterwards.
“We… we were so stupid,” Jade decided. “Why did we think that was a good idea?” Other gems were surely fusing now. If everyone could do it if they wanted too, if Pink Diamond herself had done it, then there had to be dozens or hundreds or who knows how many gems as happy as they should be. Finally able to fuse without all the fear that always followed behind it.
But she couldn’t manage to feel the way she should. Because everyone had seen them. Everyone knew what they had been doing.
She tried not to think about how many other gems had been avoiding them. Everyone who had been at the ball. Anyone who had heard about it afterwards (thankfully, the events of the next day had taken most of the space for gossip). Gems who would barely look at them, rush past them on the streets. Somehow she felt like something was more wrong with her now then whatever had been wrong with her before.
She wondered how many of them were fusing too.
“We saw Pink Diamond do it,” Jade said. “We were so… happy. I mean… it wasn’t that stupid… we were just…” she frowned. “following Pink Diamond…” that didn’t make it sound less stupid. It should have. After all, how bad could something be if a Diamond could do it? But it didn’t make their actions sound any better.
“Era Three,” Jade snorted. “It feels like a joke.”
“A joke where Pink Diamond is alive.”
“And fuses with organics.”
“Where we fuse in front of the Diamonds.”
“And we’re suddenly allowed to fuse as much as we like.”
Jade still has her fist clenched in her lap. Jade takes it, weaving their fingers together as she leans her head on Jades shoulder. She had changed her sleeves. They were softer and smaller now. Less like Yellow Diamonds.
Jade squeezes her hand, closing her eyes and leaning her head back.
They can still feel what happened last time they touched. They can still feel what happened at the ball.
Being together is wonderful, just for a moment.
But they can’t fuse.