Chapter Text
It was after another fight with Galra, one they had barely won, when Lance had felt himself breaking. When they had heard the alarm go off, they tried the best they could to protect the alien race they were hoping to protect, but to no avail. Plainly speaking, it was a massacre, ending up with the blood of their allies seeping into the war-torn dirt.
Still processing the events, his memories came back in blurs, horrifying him to no end. He remembered as he saw a young child shot mercilessly. The image would follow him for the rest of his life. To top it all off, it was his fault the mission had failed so horrifically.
If only he had woke up just a little bit earlier, maybe they could have prevented this whole mess. It was his fault, if he could have just got into his lion a second earlier, maybe they would have enough time to do something at least—whether it be fighting or retreating. If only if he hadn’t been in the training room in the middle of the night, trying his best to prepare for the upcoming battles. If only he didn’t have to fight the next day, eyes blurred with exhaustion.
He knew the others thought it was his fault too. Lance heard as Keith made scathing remarks to Shiro, most likely telling him about his poor performance that day. To top it all off, Allura’s sighs of frustration meant that he was going to be getting a lecture the next time he saw her. It was going to be soon anyway, they had a group training session after the utter disaster that was yesterday.
It wasn’t in his favor to be late, already being the seventh wheel. Despite what they may say about him, he wasn’t the type of person to ditch practice to go do a face mask. Well, they’ll just believe what they hear.
Walking into the training room, Lance found that he was the only one there, besides Shiro and Allura of course. He meandered over to the corner, waiting for the rest to arrive.
They all filed in, with Keith, hair still dripping after a shower, coming in right after him. Hunk arrived later, followed by Pidge. No one seemed to acknowledge his presence, not even Hunk, who was preoccupied with talking to Pidge, probably about something scientific that was too hard for him to understand. It wasn’t like he would ignore him on purpose, right? After all, he was Hunk, the kindest, most caring person in the universe.
“I guess we’re still waiting on Lance, as always. He’s probably off doing another face mask,” Keith said.
“Well, if he doesn’t choose to arrive in the next few doblashes, we’ll start without him,” Allura murmured. “ I must really talk to him about his behavior.”
He was debating whether to answer or not. Did they really think that lowly of him? Yeah, sure he was late a few times, but what person hasn’t done that?
“Hi guys, I’m here,” Lance said loudly, making his classic finger guns. “I bet y’all didn’t notice I was here. Makes a statement about my awesome sharpshooter skills.”
Pidge scoffed. “Nice try Lance, but we really know that you were just sleeping in or something.”
“I really was here earlier than you, basically all of you,” Lance protested. “Did you guys really not notice?”
Sighing, Allura said, “Cut it out Lance, we all know you are lying. Let’s just start now, before we can waste any more time. Start training level 5.”
Training bots filled the room and the Paladins rushed to pull out their bayards, beginning to fight immediately. Hardly a minute had passed before shots erupted loudly, with Pidge giving a yelp of pain. In his haste to prove himself, he hadn’t seen Pidge running towards him while taking his shot.
“Someone get Pidge to a pod. Lance, I need to speak to you for a second,” Shiro barked.
If he could feel worse, Lance would. Had he been so careless in his mission to prove himself that he had hurt one of his teammates? It was an honest mistake, just a matter of bad timing, but when it came down to it, he knew that it was his fault. There were so many other things he could do, and instead, he shot his own teammate.
“Nice going, Lance,” Keith muttered. Everyone remaining left the room, except for Shiro. He walked towards him, with a questioning face.
“Is everything okay, Lance? Do you feel alright?” he asked. Finally, someone had understood what he had been going through and how much he had been struggling with his mental health! Although he knew everything wasn’t fine, he didn’t want to trouble Shiro more than he does normally.
“Yeah, everything is fine.”
“If it is, then I really need you to be training more. I can see that you are falling behind everyone, especially today, hitting Pidge. I want to see you in here more often, like Keith. If that’s all, then you are free to go.” Shiro strides out of the room, unknowingly destroying more and more of Lance’s self-esteem, tearing down the little he had left.
Out of all people, he thought Shiro would understand. Was the wall he had between himself and the others that strong? Or did they just not care? With these thoughts, he left the room.
Lance was walking down the hall when Allura stopped him. He knew what she wanted, and he was so tired that he couldn’t put up a fight. He hadn’t noticed that she was lecturing him until he heard her scream his name.
“Lance, are you even listening? You had cost us that battle and resulted in the deaths of thousands. I hope you take this time to think about the consequences of your actions.”
At this point, Lance was just so tired. He was tired of this war he was fighting, one that he never wanted in on anyways. He was tired of all the death, and he was tired of living for other people. But if that was his only purpose, he just had to keep on going.
“Yes, Allura. Have I mentioned that your eyes look beautiful today?” Lance said with a wink.
“Lance, seriously. I don’t know what I expected of you.” With this, she went off someone, presumably to go to talk to Shiro. Of course, she had more important things to do than talk to him.
Lance went to his bedroom, stewing in his thoughts. Was he really that annoying? He thought back to every time his teammates criticized him. Why had he never realized? To be fair, he thought they were jokes, albeit mean. He had the overwhelming urge to do something, something that he hadn’t done for a long time. His fingers twitched, missing the cold steel of a razor. He wasn’t the same person, he was happier, he had friends—so why did he feel like this?
As he laid down to rest, he heard Hunk’s excited yelling. They were nearing a new planet.