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Gaara lay on his back staring at the ceiling. A snoring Lee lay next to him, the deep rumbles quickly becoming Gaara’s favorite white noise. They had been dating for almost a year now, Lee having moved to Suna only two months previous. But Gaara found himself up late at night questioning things more and more. He loved Lee, and Lee supposedly loved him. But he couldn’t help but feel there was something more to it and often worried that one day when he woke up, Lee would no longer be there.
Growing sick of the pallid white ceiling, Gaara turned to stare at his love while he slept. On nights when his insomnia was especially bad, he preferred to lay and watch Lee rather than get up to work on reports and other Kazekage duties. He liked watching over Lee, protecting him from danger that most likely wasn’t there. But it comforted him to be able to see that Lee was okay and still with him, to know that he hadn’t left Gaara alone.
He spent most nights like this, taking in every detail on his face as his gentle snoring soothed his anxious thoughts. If Lee noticed, he never said anything. Not that he would mind. Gaara traced Lee’s face with his eyes, moving over the cheekbones highlighted by moonlight, his dark eyebrows, and his small lips. He reached out to touch the side of his face, but quickly withdrew, still hesitant to touch even after the time they had spent together. Gaara loved to hold Lee’s hand and cuddle close to him, but there was still the fear that Lee would shrink away from his touch as so many had done before. This made him hesitant to initiate physical affection, worried that Lee would react with fear or disgust.
His hand hovered over Lee for a second longer, casting a shadow over Lee’s face as it blocked the light coming in from their window. He pulled it back into his chest, grasping at his heart as he did so often when he was younger, and rolled to his left facing away from Lee. He curled in on himself, hugging his knees tightly to his chest, an imitation of the physical contact he so desperately craved.
Gaara wanted to believe that Lee loved him, but he couldn’t help but look beneath the velvet curtains. Facades were a common occurence when he was younger. No one was truly ever who they seemed to be. His uncle had feigned love for him before attempting to kill him. His siblings put up a tough, uncaring mask in order to protect themselves. And all of that had crumbled to reveal the truth. Luckily for Gaara, his siblings wanted to love him and take care of him. But it still caused him to worry about the way others presented themselves to him.
Gaara had often heard the term “rose colored glasses” in reference to love. People wouldn’t see their relationship or partner the way they actually were. He worried that Lee was stuck with those glasses on, viewing him, and others, far too graciously, forgiving what they had done and looking past their mistakes. He knew he had made mistakes and that there was a lot of pain he had to make up for.
He lay next to Lee as he continued to crumble in on himself, listing all of the ways Lee had helped him and all of the ways Gaara had harmed Lee. He couldn’t see why he wanted to be with him. He was worried that he would wake up one day and see Gaara as he saw himself. It was his worst fear and would often wake up with a start to ensure Lee was still next to him the next morning.
Gaara’s spiraling thoughts of anxiety and fear were interrupted when Lee rolled over in his sleep and pulled Gaara to his chest. He nuzzled his neck, Gaara tensing at the sudden contact. Lee sighed happily in his sleep as his arm wrapped around Gaara’s middle and tucked into the mattress below him. Gaara relaxed, greedily accepting the attention Lee gave him even when he was asleep. The steady rise and fall of Lee’s chest on his back helped center him, slowly pulling him out of the dark place his mind had wandered into. He always seemed to do that. There were times when Gaara wanted to succumb to the darkness, to be the monster some still saw him as. But then Lee would hold his hand or lovingly kiss his cheek, brightening the shadows that surrounded him. How could he be a monster if the most innocent and compassionate man in the world loved him?
Wanting to continue watching Lee, he gently lifted his arm and turned on his other side. Lee’s face scrunched as he did so, only relaxing once Gaara had settled and he was able to pull him back into his chest. Gaara placed his forehead against him, taking in his smell as it mingled with the cool desert air.
As he was falling asleep, he felt Lee stir. He yawned loudly and gently pulled Gaara’s arms off of him. He listened as he walked down the stairs, got a drink of water, and came back. Lee sat on the edge of the bed as Gaara pretended to sleep, not wanting to worry Lee with his thoughts. He could feel his eyes on him and after a few moments, he cracked his own to see Lee crying gently as he stared down at him.
“Lee? What’s wrong?” he asked, sitting up and scooting closer to him.
“Gaara, I am so sorry if I woke you up,” he said, jumping at Gaara’s sudden movement.
“Why are you crying? Is something wrong?” Gaara reached out and gently wiped his tears away with both hands, brushing his hair gently off his forehead as he did so.
“You just look so beautiful in this lighting. My heart cannot contain the love I feel for you and sometimes it overflows in the form of tears,” Lee said, his voice trembling slightly with emotion. Gaara crawled over to him on his knees and cradled Lee’s head into his chest. Lee’s arms wrapped around and rested on the small of his back, his hands holding him in place. Gaara’s chin sat on his head as he continued to contemplate.
“Why?” he asked, his voice an airy whisper.
“Hm?” Lee responded, his voice muffled in Gaara’s clothing.
“Why do you love me? How could you?”
Lee pulled back slightly, arms trailing along Gaara’s back to rest on his hips. He was used to this conversation by now. But he didn’t mind reassuring him of just how infinite his love ran. The first time Gaara had asked, Lee launched into a lengthy and flowery declaration, not understanding why Gaara had doubted their love. He worried that he hadn’t done enough to prove his love, only to realize that Gaara’s fears and worries made him forget how Lee felt. All he needed was a simple reminder.
“How couldn’t I love you, Gaara?” he began. “You are the strongest man I know. You may have made mistakes, but you are far past them and have become an excellent shinobi and Kazekage. You have earned the respect and love of all around you. And you have accepted all of my eccentricities and help me become a better and stronger person every day. And you are very handsome, of course. I’m in love with you.” Lee smiled at him gently, leaning down to kiss his head as Gaara stared at the bed.
“So, there’s no catch? There’s nothing else you’re hoping to gain?”
“Loving you has given me the world, Gaara. Knowing that you love me back has given me the heavens to go with it. And being able to try my hardest to provide you with everything I can, gives me a life worth living.”
Gaara pulled him gently down, kissing him softly as the moonlight danced on their faces. They pulled back, Lee placing his hand on Gaara’s face as he stared at him, his expression full of love. His thumb gently stroked his cheek as Gaara smiled at him.
“I love you, my Kazekage.”
Lee sat back against the headboard as Gaara laid his head in his lap. With a gentleness not common to his strong hands, he threaded his fingers through the coarse red hair on top of Gaara’s head.
His anxieties eased for the night, Gaara wrapped an arm around Lee’s leg and began to fall asleep. He knew that this would happen again, but he also knew deep down that Lee would always be there to remind him who he really was. Lee didn’t need rose colored glasses. He saw Gaara exactly how he was, both good and bad. But Lee didn’t just want the good, he wanted every part of him regardless of his past. He knew that there was no one else but Lee that would have been able to accept him fully, to love him in spite of all he had done. Gaara would never stop being grateful that he found him.