Chapter Text
Chapter 1: Trepidation
*Friday Afternoon*
The walk home from school had been painfully quiet. TJ had barely spoken. He had been so caught up in his thoughts that anxiety began twisting into a knot in the pit of his stomach. He had barely said two words. When Cyrus asked if he was okay, he simply said he didn’t feel well, though TJ was certain the other boy didn’t believe him.
He had arrived home more exhausted than ever. He couldn’t go on living this life that made him feel like two people, when really he just wanted to be himself. He was tired of expectations and pressure and hiding. He was going to tell Cyrus he was gay - and after that he intended to stop hiding altogether. It was time. As much as the thought terrified him, the weight of keeping the secret scared him more.
He came up with a plan, one that he couldn’t back out of, because in the heat of the moment he knew he’d chicken out. If Cyrus already knew something was up, he wouldn’t let TJ leave without telling him what was going on. He picked up his phone, hands shaking ever so slightly as he scrolled through his phone, pulling up Cyrus’ contact.
TJ: hey...sorry I was quiet on the walk home. I’m dealing with some things... I think I need to talk about the rest of my “stuff” Cy...swings? Please?
Underdog: TJ...I’m leaving for the weekend. I just found out. My great-uncle died apparently. I’ve never met him, but of course we’re leaving town now to drive who knows where...I’M SO SORRY...will text work? Are you okay?
The reply turned TJ’s world upside down. He hadn’t been prepared to psych himself up for a confession, only to find out it wasn’t happening. He typed out a response, hoping against hope he would fool Cyrus. He didn’t want him worrying.
TJ: I’m so sorry Cy - give your parents my condolences. I’ll be fine, I promise. It’s not a conversation I want to have over text, but I’ll be waiting for you to get home. I’m okay - I just need my best friend.
Underdog: I have my phone. Anytime day or night, you know I’m here. Please take care of yourself. The service is Saturday night, we’re driving back home first thing Sunday morning. I should be back by 10am. Swings at 11? There’s no school Monday, want me to sleepover?
TJ: Yes please. Thanks Cy. See you Sunday.
Fuck. The plan had been to tell Cyrus first, and then tell his parents. He wasn’t expecting his parent’s reaction to be negative - nothing about the way they seemed to view the world led him to believe it would be - but it was still terrifying and emotional, and somehow the thought of Cyrus knowing, silently supporting him, made the thought of telling them easier. But...here he was. He supposed he could bury the idea altogether, but the part of him that was so...tired...wanted to just have it done with. He sighed and made his way downstairs, palms already starting to sweat.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, both his parents were sitting in the living room, his father scrolling through his phone, his mom working on something on her laptop. He almost changed his mind. Almost.
He sat down on the sofa opposite his mother.
“I-umm-I was hoping we could talk.” He cleared his throat to try and steady his voice.
“Sure sweetie, what’s up?” His mother closed her laptop and looked at him questioningly. When he didn’t answer immediately, his father put his phone away and turned towards them from his spot on the chair across the room.
He had to keep reminding himself that he had wanted to do this. His nerves were trying to derail him. He didn’t know how to start. Every word he could think of to say was dying on his tongue.
Now both of his parents were looking at him intently, concern lacing their faces.
“Son?” It was his dad that spoke this time. He moved across the room to sit on the other side of TJ, putting his hand on his shoulder as he did so. “Whatever it is TJ, we’ll work it out. Is it Math again? Do we need a different tutor? Basketball?”
TJ took a deep breath, silently shaking his head no as tears silently started to trail down his cheeks.
“Guys, I’m- I’m- I think I might be - no, no I am. Not might be. I’m - gay.” The air suddenly felt too thick, like he couldn’t inhale.
His mom was the first to break the stunned silence. “Oh baby, come here.” She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into her as she leaned back into the sofa. He sat cuddled up against her like he was a small child again, letting her run her fingers through his hair. “TJ, you get to be whatever you want. We love you no matter who you love. All we’ve ever wanted for you is to be happy. So if In the end you find someone that brings out the best in you, and someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated, then who cares what gender they are?”
His dad nodded, and looked contemplative for a moment. “TJ, when you were born, it was the single greatest day of our lives. I had a whole list of things I wanted you to be. Kind, for one. And you always have been - minus a couple of years back when you went through that rough patch - which all teenagers do, by the way - you have always been unbelievably kind. I wanted you to be independent, strong and assertive. Needless to say, No worries there. I wanted you to like sports- not because it would make you “manly” but because I enjoy them and I wanted something we could share. We saw how that worked out, you are so gifted on the court. I wanted you to be happy TJ, because that’s what any parent who loves their kids should want. You know what was nowhere on that list kiddo? Straight. I could care less the gender that you’re attracted to, if they have strength of character and a good heart. I love you TJ. I always have and I always will. It’s unconditional.”
It was like his dad knew exactly what he was worried about. His mom’s reassurance meant the world, but his dad - he knew where TJ’s fears were rooted. He knew the pressure to be athletic and strong and alpha-male. He understood toxic masculinity and the clambering hold it wanted to place on him, on society in general. And his Dad had just told him that none of those things mattered.
TJ took a deep breath, and reached over and squeezed his Dad’s hand. “Thank you. Both of you. I love you guys so much, and I don’t really think I can convey how much your acceptance means. I- I just feel super exposed and emotional right now though - is it okay if I go back up to my room? I’m sure you have questions, and when I’m ready, I’ll talk. I just need - time.”
His mom spoke softly. “Of course. Take all the time you need. You decide when you’re ready. We love you TJ.”