Chapter Text
It’s 7pm and she’s been in the office for a long amount of time today, so it is starting to get on her nerves. The white, impersonal walls and expensive furniture of the room – chosen to help Lena remember the professional environment she’s in and to push her into making decisions specifically rationally (something she desperately needs to remind herself from time to time) - that usually provide her an emotionless and refreshing scenario, but it seems like that today the starkness of the room makes her tremble with pent up emotion.
Just today.
She’s not really that surprised, honestly. After spending her day in meetings with snobby middle aged men and women, who mistakenly think that their knowledge is proportional to their wisdom and prejudice, barking orders at her and poorly trying to disguise their scoffs and insults with an ill placed dear or honey or worse, kid, amongst every other sentence that comes out of their mouths. And sure, she’s young. She’s a 27-year old female surrounded by people around their fifties (and some even more). But she’s also the boss. She holds the most amount of shares of the company (after everything that went down with brother dearest) and even though it belongs to the Luthors, she worked hard for it. Always desperatly trying to be the best at whatever she was doing, to show Lionel she was worth saving all those years ago, and to make Lillian realize that she’s more than just a rescue.
But of course, none of her coworkers know that. To them she’s just another Luthor, raised into wealthy, never needing to work for anything in her life, including the company. Raised to compete for the world’s spotlight as a savior, like Lex. To try to aniquilate those who are doing some good, like Lex. To murder anyone who, purposefully or not, gets in the way, like Lex. To envy power, like Lex.
And really, she can’t blame them. She knows that if they really knew her, it would be so much worse. If they knew what she really was, she would quickly become the most feared Luthor there is. If they saw what really lies beneath the clean, pristine, untroubled surface no one would hear of Lex as the monster. They would hear of her.
Because underneath her skin, deep inside her muscles is a hot, unrelenting energy dying to be released, just vibrating in the anticipation of being used on Lena’s truest form, warming her bones and setting her entire body on fire. On the deepest part of her soul, rests the animalistic part of her, her wolf, waiting to to be fed.
That’s why she’s so careful with the situations she chooses to find herself in. She needs neutral and dispassionate rooms, to remind her that, to her, emotion is a curse.
Because passion is what feeds the beast within her, and it sets all the energy free, leaving her painfully gasping for whatever control she has left, until it finally slips between her fingers and all her inhibitions lower, resulting in the monster she so hard tries to fight but who eventually always ends up winning.
She was in the park with her mom, being her 7-year-old self, and playing with her friend Anna, a girl with a funny voice and long red hair,while mommy is sitting in a bench, enjoying the sun rays and their warmth as she watches over them. They’re not doing anything in specific, but both end up having a wonderful time just doing nothing and anything at all when together.
She knows she’s different. Mommy has told her before. She warns Lena to be careful and always keep in mind that she can hurt others, if she’s not gentle enough.
Lena doesn’t really understand it though. As she looks at the people around her, she doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary about herself. She asks her mom once, when they are both lying down in her own small bed,while the rest of her ridiculously big family are in some sort of secret meeting she doesn’t get ,nor does she want to.
”Why is it that I’m different?” she asks carefully, almost afraid to break the loveand affection filled bubble she and her dear mother have settled in.
The only answer she gets is a whispered “You’ll see one day, darling”, and a kiss in the forehead that signals the end of the conversation.
So, that’s why she doesn’t really think about it as she pushes Anna back, afer the girl shoved Lena playfully in the shoulders. She does think about it as the girls moves nearly 2 meters away from her, and settles on the ground, hitting her shoulder with a distinctive clack that signals that Lena definitely did something wrong.
A few moments pass, where Lena stares at her own hands quizzically, as if the reason for her sudden and weird display of strength would suddenly appear on her palms. Then some people reunite around Anna, who is now crying way too loudly, so much so that it makes Lena’s eardrums hurt and her hands immediately dart up to cover them.
She looks at Anna, and the pain she’s caused her and she decides to ignore her own suffering and run to her friend’s side, make sure she’s okay and apologize. She tries to take some careful steps towards Anna, but every inche she gets closer, the louder become the sounds and stronger the pain. Thankfully, the next thing she knows, her mother is dragging her away by the crook of her elbow, rushing toward their house, and Lena doesn’t even resist her, despite her concern for her friend, because the pain becomes unbarable, and suddenly a wave of uncertainty fills her brain, making her wonder if this is what mommy meant when she said she was different.
As soon as they are at a safe distance away, far enough that her brain doesn’t feel like it’s being pierced, her mother crouches in front of her, her hazel brown eyes focus on Lena’s green ones with apologies written on their irises, affection on their pupils. Soft words are whispered to the 7-year-old, variations of “You are okay”, “I’m sorry, darling” to “Everything’s going to be alright”.
Both she and her mother were in such a hurry to walk away, that they fail to see a man in the middle of the commotion, staring at Lena with morbid curiosity. The same men that, while he eyes them getting away, snaps a picture of them to send to his henchmen.
They fail to see Lionel.
Staring at the walls of her work place is becoming too much for her to handle alone, so she decides to walk to her drinks counter, to hopefully get a glass of scotch to accompany her while she tries to ease up her emotions, specially her frustration.
But of course, she thinks, of course she had to run out of scotch in this particularly day.
Having her anger and frustration doubled, she feels her body hum. Her eyes get hot, uncomfortably so, signaling that her green eyes must be a certain beastly vibrant shade of green (Lillian used to say, with a great amount of awe in her eyes, that her eyes become the colour of glowing kryptonite. Only now does Lena think about it with a certain amount of disgust towards her adoptive mother’s sick interest) and that there are surely crazy amounts of red angry veins around them. She can feel her teeth sharpening inside her mouth, stretching through her gums. Her muscles and bones strain against her skin, and she’s trembling. Either because of the pain or the feelings rushing through her chest, dispersing to every inch of her body. Probably both.
But she can’t turn. She knows it. As soon as she takes her animalistic shape, all her inhibitions will lower. While on her human form, when emotions affect her, she takes the time to analyse their source, make rational decisions in order to be able to discarde the feelings and assume a neutral mask. As a wolf, the process is drastically cut short, because as soon as her sentiments surge on her mind, all reasoning thought is ignored, and she breaks loose. And after she's freed,it takes a lot to tame her back. And she knows it’s not her fault. She was never taught how to control herself, instead they taught her to hide. And she’s still fighting to keep it that way.
It’s been 10 years since her last transformation, and there’s a reason for that. Even if refusing her wolf is painful, as her body reminds her, the hot and dense energy inside her is making her shiver while she sweats, making her look feverish. All the while her brain shuts down, as if purposefully trying to make her stop analyzing her emotions and letting herself feel them, letting them and it take control of her. And it tires her mind immensely.
But, after a decade of refusing that part of herself, she knows what to do. Knows how to prevent herself from liberty. So, she forces herself to take a deep breath, try to make her breathing even out, focusing on it. And it works, but she knows it’s only temporary. In these moments she strains to remember her mother’s warm brown eyes, and warmer voice, telling her “Everything’s going to be fine”.
That’s actually her biggest fear. To eventually give in to the other part of herself, let it take control of her life and of her decisions. She knows what will happen if she gives up on the fight. She’s seen it happen before. And she knows that if anyone were to see her like that, the damage she causes, the few believers (if any) she has left after everything that happened with the Luthors, will leave her. And whose fault is that, a voice that sounds suspiciously like Lillian screams in her head.
After she’s calmed herself down – wich took approximately 8 minutes – she decides that maybe alcohol will help her relax more. So she takes some reports home to finish later, and makes her way out the office. Walking down familiar empty hallways – she sent Jess away a long time ago saying that “Just because I stay after 5pm doesn’t mean you have to, Jess” – she decides to go to her favourite liquor store, the one that is usually empty due to it’s exclusively old and expensive alcohol available, to buy more scotch and wine, seizing this opportunity to take a walk, hoping it will help her shutting her inner turmoil.
Therefor, she sends her driver home for the day, sending her regards to his wife in the process, and makes her way down the 4 blocks it takes to get to the store.
As she walks she figures she made the right decision, because the fresh breeze of the wind hits her face just right and it makes her slightly still heated cheeks cool down a bit, leveling out her temper with it. It’s almost as if her brain is the vast sea and her thoughts are the ship. During the pre-turning hiatus, her brain shuts off, leaving her thoughts paralyzed and weighting her down slowly. But the wind makes them move again, letting them be pushed around in her brain, being understood and it slowly brings her equilibrium back. Lionel taught her well.
Lena’s already at the front of the booze store, and she’s almost completely relaxed, so much that she actually lets her head loll a bit to the side to relieve the tenseness of the tendons and junctures of her neck, letting her eyes slip briefly shut. And that’s when suddenly an overwhelmingly beautiful smell invades her heightened senses. And really, it’s the only way she can find to describe it. It’s a beautiful mix of sunshine, lavender and rain that leaves her perplexed on the side walk, looking for it’s source.
And suddenly she finds blue eyes, that are inexplicably already focusing on her. Her smell makes her justice, Lena thinks as she takes in her appearance, perhaps using a little bit of her enhanced speed to roam her eyes over her and take in what she sees, hoping to go unnoticed. She processes pink full lips, separated enough to show a row of straight white teeth, high cheekbones and sharp jawline, blonde hair and slightly scrunched eyebrows, forming a small, pretty crinkle in the middle of them. Yep, beautiful.
She starts feeling a warmth spreading through her, and feels her heart drum quickly against her own ears, and she quickly remembers the reason she’s standing outside the store. Shaking her head slightly and focusing on her breaths all over again, she calms herself down enough to start making her way inside the store, hoping that the other girl didn’t sense her derailing thoughts about her while she stood there looking at her.
She supposes that by the way the woman is looking at her, Lena probably took too long admiring her appearance, forgetting about the going unnoticed part of her plan.
With a grimace at her own incapacity to go unnoticed because of her weirdness, Lena quickly makes her way inside.
The coziness of the small store truly helps her calm down. After spending her entire day in meetings, conference calls while she stares at the neutral walls of her office and answers emails, the shelves filled with bottles that stretch all around the room, almost hiding dark red walls, and the few brown sofas spread around the room are a welcome and soft choice for her to relax in. There are very few costumers in the room (barely more than half a dozen), and the people there are actually choosing their bottles, resulting in a quiet environment that Lena is quite thankful for.
Minutes later, after she’s selected her bottle of scotch and finds herself focused on finding a nice bottle of wine to bring home, she accidently bumps into a shorter woman. She quickly places her hand on the woman’s forearm to make sure she doesn’t fall, taking advance of her strength. After she makes sure the woman’s secured, she lets go, raising her palm in an open gesture of apology, one she quickly starts giving.
“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going, I got a little distracted…” Lena apologizes, bringing the hand that isn’t holding the bottle to the back of her neck, rubbing it gently, as if that would make the situation less awkward. Very smart of you, Lena, the voice Lillian alike says in her head again, What a disappointment.
“Don’t worry about it, it’s totally fine.” The shorter woman says, smiling at Lena. The CEO takes this moment to observe her dark hair, her dark eyes and profound dimples. She smells of cocoa and vanilla, but Lena smells the remains of something familiar, but she quickly lets it go. Her heart is beating calmly, so Lena figures there won’t be trouble. Then she focuses on the hand she is holding, moving her gaze up until she’s looking at auburn short hair and brown eyes, which are focusing on her intently. So I’ve been recognized, way to sour my mood even more, Lena thinks. The taller woman smells of coffee and sandalwood, but the familiar sent is also there, and it’s strong enough for Lena to recognize it as the beautiful scent she caught outside. She’s thrown back a bit by this.
Upon seeing the look this woman is giving her, she quickly nods to the both of them, the action being both another apology and a farewell, whichever they interpret it as. She’s about to move towards the checking out counter when the woman who was just analyzing her with just a look speaks to her, which both surprises Lena, and somewhat challenges her (she guesses the latter is because of her inner wolf, suddenly waking itself up, though Lena quickly forces him down).
“Those are nice bottles you picked. I have to say you have good taste in your alcohol. I’m Alex, and this is my girlfriend, Maggie.” The woman says, and her curious look is momentarily replaced with affection as she says the word girlfriend and looks at the shorter woman, who Lena now knows is Maggie.
“Hello. I’m Lena. Lena Luthor.” She adds as an afterthought, intent on making sure her last name is clear before they decide to speak to her again. Afraid that if they decide to befriend her (Really Lena, you just met!) without knowing who she is, she might get some whiplash when they find out. Which has happened to her, a lot, and after so many times happening it is still not a very good feeling to feed herself with. Sadness and disappointment with a side of guilt.
It startles her that instead of a slim excuse and a quick get away, both woman actually smile at her. Lena feels herself relax at that and they make casual conversation while waiting in the line to pay for their bottles. Lena learns that Alex works for the FBI and Maggie is a detective, which admitelly makes her suspicious and a little disappointed at finding out where their politeness came from, but she figures she probably won’t see them again, and she doesn’t have anything to hide, except herself anyway.
Nowadays it’s impossible to forget her true colours. Not only the identity she struggles to keep buried, but her las name as well.
She still shudders as she remembers her brother’s descent to madness. Remembers as the months pass by the less she sees him, and the colder his eyes become. She should have paid more attention to the signs, maybe if she wasn’t so busy thinking about herself and trying to figure out ways to hide, she could’ve seen the way Lex was beginning to show himself. After all, what are all the amplified senses and intelligence worth if she couldn’t save her own brother. Someone who was once pure and deserved saving. Just as he somehow saved her.
So maybe that’s why she’s tossing her carefulness aside and talking to two police woman, thinking she deserves some kind of punishment, even if it’s not necessarily prison, she thinks that the constant reminder of other’s wariness towards her, despite her best efforts to prove them wrong, stings enough. Or maybe she’s just incredible lonely. She expects it’s both.
She finds herself actually enjoying their easy conversation as they slip outside the store, being told stories about law enforcement funny situations and sharing some CEO anecdotes as well, when suddenly they’re interrupted.
“Alex! What took you so long? I’ve been waiting for almost 15 minutes.” Lena is suddenly overwhelmed by the smell, the distance between her and the beautiful smelling woman is way smaller than before, too much for Lena to handle. Her body starts feeling a little warm again, but Lena promptly ignores it, hoping to go unnoticed during this interaction, not like before she walked in the store. Now, the woman isn’t focused on her, is actually whining and pouting at Alex, so Lena thinks this is a good start (and that it’s adorable).
“Ups…” Alex says, giggling a bit. “Sorry, Kara. We lost track of time.” Alex says, looking genuinely sorry at the beautiful woman. Kara.
“Yeah, Little Danvers, our bad.” Maggie says, rubbing her neck not unlike Lena did when she was apologizing to her. Maggie must think of this too because she suddenly turns towards Lena, startling her when she was trying hard to be ignored and focusing on her breathing. “Kara, this is Lena. We just met after she jumped me in front of Alex” Maggie says, winking at Lena and laughing after receiving an elbow strike from Alex, though she too is laughing.
The joke seems to fly right through Kara’s head though, as she simply looks at Lena with a tilted head and a smile on her lips. The look she’s giving is enough to make Lena’s body heat up even more and her pulse and breathing become faster, though there is no sting in her muscles, heat in her eyes or cuts in her mouth. It still scares Lena, nonetheless.
Then, Kara extends a hand towards her with an exited “Nice to meet you! I’m Kara. But you already know that, because Alex and Maggie already mentioned that…” she finishes that sentence with an adjustment to already perfectly adjusted glasses, and if Lena thought her body couldn’t hum more, she’s incredibly wrong. Lena shakes her hand and then replies with a nod, because she’s not sure she should open her mouth, afraid her teeth sharpened without her noticing.
She decides to risk it though, thinking that the quicker she goes away the safer she and all of them will be from her other self. So she smiles at Kara, closed mouthed, and turns to Alex and Maggie.
“It was nice to meet you.” She says, avoiding looking them in the eyes for too long, knows that it is because of her literally hot and bothered state. “But I should probably go, it’s getting late and I still have to get some work done.” Which technically isn’t a lie, though the lateness has nothing to do with it as she knows she won’t be able to sleep that much at all.
Maggie is eyeing between her and Kara curiously, which admittedly scares Lena. She watches as Maggie acquires a glint in her eye and her lips stretch with a small smirk, alarming Lena.
“We should hang out together one of these days. Why don’t you give me your number?” She says. Lena is a bit surprised by this, and apparently so is Kara, but Alex doesn’t seem to have any realms against it, her heart rate calm and smiling, contrasting against the weird look she gave Lena when she first saw her.
The CEO knows she probably shouldn’t give to her. After all Lena is a werewolf Luthor (troubling combination), and Maggie and Alex are cops. But when she looks at Kara she’s beaming at Lena, with a curious gleam in her eyes, and Lena absolutely knows that she needs to get away from this girl as soon as possible. She figures that if she declines, not only will they think she’s as cold as her family (which she knows shouldn’t bother her but does anyway), but they might also try to insist on it, making her come up with arguments, and given the state she’s currently in, it’s going to be hard and take too long.
So she nods and complies, reluctantly giving Maggie her number. They exchange goodbyes and just as she’s about to leave Kara speaks to her.
“I’ll see you later.” Maybe it’s the fact that those words were accompanied with a soft smile. Or maybe it’s the feeling that has habituated itself on Lena’s body since she saw Kara, but it hits too close to home, making Lena turn on her heel fast after nodding to Kara and taking off quickly towards that house.
She remembers when those words were whispered to her once, by her mother, and the circumstances they were muttered in, and as she falls into memory lane a sudden wave of emotion crashes her, leaving her once again burning all over, and struggling to breath and think, as the memories also crash in waves.
It’s been a few months since the park accident with Anna, and upon her mother’s insistence she hasn’t seen her friend again.
Really she almost hasn’t left the house, and everytime she does, her mother comes with her, never letting her out of her side, and being the one playing with her, because that way she won’t hurt anyone.
Her mother also explained to her the reasons why she’s different. And perhaps that’s the only reason why Lena actually respects her mother wishes to become a bit isolated, because she also becomes a bit scared of herself. Her mother has told her about being a descendent of a small and unknowk Irish town where a clandestine factory built as a primordial nuclear energy usain, strategically placed there due to its reclusiveness. She tells Lena about it's explosion, releasing radioactive energy; tells her about their DNA change, resulting in having enhanced senses, such as sight, hearing, smell, accompanied by also enhanced strength, instincts and reflexes, all of which are combined with her family's moral need of great leadership and decision making skills, the collectiveness of it all resulting on being extra clever as well. The wolf analogy was quickly set to use. But it wasn't until her mother's parents in the 60's effectively merged wolf DNA with their own that the comparison was completely considered adequate.
But all of those qualities did nothing for her, as in her 8th birthday, the surprise wasn’t arranged by her family at all, and it wasn’t pleasant either.
They were at the dinner table. The adults drinking and talking loudly while Lena, being the only pup in the family, ate silently, studying everyone at the table and enjoying the fact that the others were enjoying themselves.
Suddenly, Julius, the man who usually takes the night shift to watch the outside of the propertie she lives in, looking for any sight of intruders, bursted through the door looking panicked and yelling incoherently about people bursting through their gates.
Faster then Lena could understand what was happening, everyone, including her mom, was transforming into their wolf bodies and forming a barricade in front of the main door. Though Lena, as she was young and didn’t know how or if she had the ability to change, decided to go hide under the stair case, and keeping her head out to see what was going on.
A few tense silent moments pass, with all the pack waiting in anticipation until the doors bursted open, about 20 men with funny looking guns walked in. They shooted whatever rays were coming out of the weapons everywhere, hitting all her family members some how, resulting in a blood bath right in front of Lena’s eyes. It was to much.
A broken sob escaped her as she watched everyone she knew get slaughtered, and her mother heard as she quickly came to stand by Lena, injured, and turned back into her human form. Grasping Lena’s face within her hands, her mother whispered confessions of love, and told her to go away. Run. Not to turn back. Until the armed men walked in their direction. They raised their weapons, and were about to shoot carelessly in their direction when suddenly a voice rang out.
“Don’t harm the girl!” The dark skinned man said, holding his hand up towards his army. “They want her alive.” He crouches in front of her, though she doesn’t face him because her mother comes to stand between them, which he clearly doesn’t appreciate. In a very quick move, he takes his knife oout of his belt and stabs Lena’s mother right throw her heart. And Lena watches speechless as the point of the blade is seen breaking the skin of her mothers back from the inside out.
Her mother turn to her then, with affection in her eyes and a tight smile, and whispers “I will see you later, darling”, right before her eyes become unfocused, her body rigidly thumps on the floor.
She’s taken to a small house after the disaster. There are a few woman there who wach over her, feed her and keep her silent company with pitiful looks in their eyes. She spends days there, until some time after (she doesn’t know how much), someone goes get her.
Lena, too scared to do little more than crie silent, sad tears, watches as a man and a woman come to stand before her. Looking her in the eye, the man, with a sinister smile says:
“Hello, Lena. Welcome to the Luthor family.”
She doesn’t remember how she got home.
That night, Lena ends up neither doing the work she brought home, nor sleeping. She spends it sitting in her shower, freezing cold water raining down her back as she clutches a glass of scotch thight. She tries hard to fight the burning, the memories, the pain. She ends up succeeding. Though everything hurts like she just lost.