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It was dark. Sorrel had just blown out the candles that littered the bedside table, smoke curling upwards and gathering at the ceiling, serving to only increase the suffocating atmosphere that threatened to choke him.
He suddenly regretted putting them out as he curled into himself, feeling a chill shudder down his spine.
He felt as if the darkness would consume him, shadows creeping along the floorboards that gently creaked with age. Yes, he was a mage and could have easily banished them from his chambers, but doing so felt like the easy way out. So he let it seep into his body, rattling his bones and chilling his body to the very core.
His eyes flickered to the body that lay beside him, not yet entirely unconscious, but certainly edging on the precipice that would lead to a deep slumber. Even breaths filtered from his lips, his chest moving gently, reminding Sorrel he was very much alive, and his arm shifted slightly, moving to the empty space beside him now that his lover had moved to the far corner of their bed. His brows furrowed slightly and his eyes flickered open, confusion morphing quickly into concern when he caught sight of the elf wrapped tightly around himself.
“Amatus, are you alright?”
It was a useless question; the two of them knew the answer to it already, but Sorrel appreciated the effort and the sincerity nonetheless.
The post-coital bliss from moments before was quickly forgotten, replaced with doubt and fear of the day that was to come when the sun rose yet again. There was some comfort that at least that would not change, regardless of the outcome of tomorrow’s battle.
“No.”
Dorian let out a gentle sigh as Sorrel avoided his calculating gaze, the sound of moving sheets the only warning the elf got before he felt arms wrap around his torso, quickly followed by the mages head which moved to rest on his shoulder blade. One hand dropped into Sorrel’s lap, a flame quickly igniting between Dorian’s fingers. The glow gave Sorrel some comfort and he leaned back into Dorian’s body, shuddering when he felt heat worm it's way back through his veins.
He hadn’t realised how cold it was.
“I could tell as much.”
“Then why ask, Dorian?”
“I thought it would be more comforting to admit it yourself.” Dorian moved his fingers and the flame moved with it, snaking between the digits like a snake. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
“What do you think?” Sorrel let an exasperated sigh fall from his lips, dropping his hand to meet Dorian’s, linking their fingers. The snake moved to accommodate the change. “Everything hinges on what transcribes tomorrow, and I… I don’t know if we’ll both make it out alive.”
“Such little faith.” Dorian tutted, a strained smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
“You can’t blame me.” Sorrel watched the flames move with a fond interest, despite the tug he felt in his gut as he observed it curl around their joined wrists. “We have no way of knowing what Corypheus will do in order to secure his victory. He could catch us off guard and-” Sorrel choked back a sob, his grip tightening. “I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose you.”
“Amatus…” Dorian trailed off, his own voice thickening with emotion. He hadn’t wanted to bring up his own fears, believing them to be inconsequential compared to what Sorrel was going through and would only add to his pile of worries, but knowing Sorrel’s mind indeed mirrored his own only hurt him more. He could not comfort him because he did not know how. “Please, don’t say that.”
“What do you want me to say?” Tears fell down Sorrel’s face now, tanned skin blotching as he tried his best to suppress the emotion that was slowly boiling over. “I will not lie to myself, Dorian. It scares me, yes, but it hurts more to pretend everything will be okay when we can’t know that for sure.”
Earlier that night, their kisses had been slow, as if they had all the time in the world. Soft, loving touches that made the world fall away around them until only the two of them remained. Now, Dorian grabbed at Sorrel’s shoulders and pressed their lips together in an action that could not be mistaken for anything less than desperation, unbridled and raw emotion pouring from his body in violent waves that did not ebb away or cease, even after they had parted.
His breaths were heavy and his hands had moved upwards to cradle Sorrel’s face without him even noticing, now moving down to ghost against his lover’s skin urgently, without any of the heat from earlier behind it.
It was desperate, but it was something fond. It was love and it was passion, but it lacked the lust that usually fuelled these actions.
It was a need to memorise and it was a need to remember.
He had to remember. He had to remember how it felt to be this close to Sorrel before he could potentially lose him forever. He had to remember how his lips felt pressed against his own, how his skin was soft to the touch until his fingers brushed against one of the many scars that he had accumulated since stumbling out of the fade where it was rougher and more tender from healing. He had to remember how his heart clenched every time their eyes met across the room, Sorrel moving to hide his shy smile behind a cough and Dorian would simply smirk, because he was past feeling ashamed of how he felt for him.
He had to remember because maybe he’d never get the chance to feel this way again.
Their kiss was broken by a sharp yell of pain, Sorrel drawing back quickly as he gripped his arm. He grimaced, nails digging into his skin, almost drawing blood as his skin flashed a bright green. Dorian’s eyes widened and he reached out, only for Sorrel to flinch back as he did so.
It had been occurring far more often lately. When Dorian first began to join him in his chambers, Sorrel was able to hide it from him, since it rarely occurred and, when it did so, usually only disturbed in the late hours of the night, and was nowhere near as painful as it had now become, drawing a sound from him loud enough to disturb his lover’s sleep, which was how he had found out in the first place.
Since then, it had only increased in its regularity, nowadays bothering him at least twice on a good day, far more when he was utilising it often. The more he used it, the worse it became, but there was no way to ease his suffering with everything that was going on, so he had endured.
Only Solas knew of the full extent of his suffering, other than them, and Sorrel was planning on keeping it that way for as long as possible.
They waited for the pain to pass, Dorian shifting to allow himself to cradle Sorrel, gently rocking their bodies in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. He glanced up at the window, the stars still glowing faintly in the night sky where they would remain long after the two of them ceased to be. He imagined one would blink out of existence if Sorrel were to die and, though that thought pained him, there was a little comfort in how the world would change if he was to pass away.
Surely, the world could not resume as if nothing had happened, that would-
“Dorian-” Sorrel halted his movements, grasping one of his wandering hands tightly, worried brown eyes drilling into Dorian’s. “Dorian, what’s wrong?”
Dorian paused, only now realising he had gone stiff. His body had frozen and his lungs had begun to overflow and he hadn’t even realised and-
“Dorian, look at me .” And Sorrel had instantly forgotten his own pain in order to comfort him.
Selfless, as always. Cleaning up other people’s messes, despite wanting nothing more than to live in a world where there had never been a tear in the sky, and a magister hadn’t decided to rise to godhood and-
Dorian shook his head. There was no point dwelling on what could have been. Besides… If none of that had happened, maybe they wouldn’t be together now, though he’d like to think they would be, regardless of what had transpired in the world around them.
The mage finally obeyed, his eyes wet with unshed tears that he quickly went to wipe away but the moment one tear broke free from its confinement, many followed. He did not choke on them like Sorrel, instead of letting them fall silently as he drew in a shuddering breath. “I don’t want you to go.” His breaths came quickly and he was finding it harder and harder to stay afloat the longer he allowed himself to sink.
A sad smile graced Sorrel’s features and he tucked his long hair behind a long ear. “You, know I-”
Dorian’s grip tightened. “I know, but that doesn’t change how I feel.” His eyes fluttered closed and he brought Sorrel’s hand up to his chest, the elf waiting silently for him to continue.
“I don’t want you to have to go, and I don’t want the sun to rise in the morning, because it will always bring me a day closer to losing you forever.” Dorian’s eyes opened to meet Sorrel’s. “I meant what I said before, about returning to Tevinter someday, but… But if we both make it out alive, I want to savour my time with you, at least for a little while. It’s selfish of me, I know it is, but-”
Sorrel cut him off with a tender kiss, fingers threading through his hair. When he pulled away, he was smiling. It certainly wasn’t as bright as the ones he gave Dorian early on in their relationship, but it was the first genuine one he had shown in weeks, and Dorian committed every last detail to memory.
“It’s a promise, then.” He brought Dorian’s palm up to his lips. “We’ll be selfish, just for a little while.”
“And then the world is ours.” Dorian couldn’t hold back the smile that tugged at his lips. “We could do anything after all this is over.”
Sorrel nodded. “Anything.”
As they lay together in the darkness, their only source of light the flame that danced between their fingers, neither could think of a better way to spend their night together, whether it be their last or one of many, and they soon fell into the deep pit of slumber, thoughts of the future feeling rather more optimistic.