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They won, but it doesn’t feel like a victory to Tony.
He can’t remember the last time he talked to anybody. Ever since the funeral, he hasn't even left his house once. It is better this way, because he can’t bare to see the cheerful smiles and happy tears on other people’s faces right now. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, but who can blame him? After all, they exchanged Steve’s life for this. Steve’s life for the lives of billions of people on Earth, even more if you are taking the entire universe into consideration. Mathematically, it is a no brainer. According to utilitarianism, there is no doubt they made the right choice.
It doesn’t feel like the right choice to Tony. Not when he has to wake up in their bed alone. Not when he has to come home to a house still full of Steve’s belonging every day. Not when he cries in the middle of the night and there won’t be anyone rushing in to comfort him anymore.
“He was such a hero.” He hears this over and over again and he has an urge to spit in the person’s face every time. This isn’t fair. He shouldn’t have to trade his Steve for everyone’s sake. He hates this world. He hates the pitying look people throw at him. His hatred for Thanos runs so deep that he wishes he can kill him again a million times over. He hates himself because he should have grabbed the gauntlet and taken the spot before Steve could get a hold of it. He is an idiot and he regrets every bit of it.
His teammates don’t know what to do with him, because all he does now is make sarcastic comments and rain on their parade. He knows he is being a selfish asshole, but he can’t help it. He wishes he is dead. It would make everyone less miserable that way. Natasha and Clint tries to talk to him, or get him to talk to someone, at least, but he won't let them. Thor comes by and Tony won't budge even when he threatens to chop down his house with his axe if he doesn't open the door. Bruce leaves him so many voicemails but he doesn't listen to any of them. He does't even look at his phone anymore.
He is drinking his weight in whiskey. And vodka. And gin. He is tired of feeling everything. FRIDAY would have called an ambulance for him but he gets rid of her too. He does feel bad because she sounds so disappointed in him when he is shutting her her down. Great. He even manages to piss off his own AI.
He knows. He is the worst. But why does it matter? The person that used to be the most proud of him is now gone. So he can let himself be a disappointment if he wants to.
He can’t watch TV anymore, because the news just cannot stop reporting on the avengers’ fight for one second. He can’t sit here and listen to some random news reporter talk about Captain America like they had known him all his life. They know nothing about him.
They didn’t even know Steve Rogers was engaged.
-
‘I think I pissed off Pepper’ is the first thing that came to his mind when he opens his eyes and sees the angry tears in Pepper’s eyes. The subsequent slap in the face more or less confirms his hypothesis. It barely stings because no matter how furious Pepper is at him, she never wants to hurt him. Even though he does deserve it.
“What the hell were you thinking? Tony!” Pepper is crying into her hand. Tony can’t make himself watch. He wishes she would just understand she will be better off without him. “I found you unconscious on the floor, you almost died! What would have happened if I didn’t stop by?”
“Where……am I.” He slurs. God he feels awful, physically and mentally. He feels like he might be sick. His instinct is to get away from here as fast as possible but he is stopped by a strong arm pushing him back on the bed.
Rhodey.
“Tony. I don’t want to say some something harsh but you have got to get help.” The man looks at him sternly. Tony wishes the ground would open up and swallow him alive. “You almost had alcohol poisoning. Do you know how dangerous this is?”
“Of course I know.” Tony mumbles, running his hand down his face in exhaustion.
“That was kind of the point. If I die because of this, they would report it as an accident, wouldn’t they?”
Pepper’s sobbing comes to a halt. “Tony?”
He is silent for a few moment. “Steve made me promise him. That I wouldn’t take my life.” Tony’s voice starts to crack, tears falling into his mouth as he gasps for air. “That bastard. So now I can’t even fucking do that. Because I promised.” And what was he supposed to do? That was the last thing Steve asked of him. He didn't have a choice.
“Oh, Tony……” Pepper and Rhodey both gives him such a pained look before coming over to hug him. Tony cries hard in their embrace.
He just wants his fiance back.
-
Peter comes to visit him at his mansion.
Tony had to make another promise he didn’t want to keep in order to leave the hospital. He is pretty sure staying at the hospital made him feel even more miserable, so he promised Pepper and Rhodey he would stop ignoring their calls and text them at least one a day. They also made him install FRIDAY again to monitor his health and he might just be the first person in mankind to get chewed out by his AI. He still wishes he could accidentally drown in a bathtub but he doesn’t want to make Pepper cry again, so he follows through with his first promise to Steve with no loophole this time.
He waits on the balcony. Peter has such a terrible look of guilt on his face, which is quite indicative to Tony that he heard of his last conversation with Steve involving him. They shouldn’t have told him.
“Steve, don’t fucking do this. I can’t lose you.” Tony gripped Steve’s hand covered by the gauntlet with all his strength, gritting his teeth. “I am not going to sit here and let you die in front of me.”
“I know. I am sorry, sweetheart.” Steve looked at him through teary eyes. He somehow managed to smile at him, placing a kiss on Tony’s mouth.
“It is the only way to bring everyone back. To bring Peter back.”
Tony felt like his heart just dropped off a cliff, and his grasp loosened. “No, Steve, don’t……” Angry tears gathered at the corner of his eyes. Steve knew how important Peter was to Tony. He saw him as his own son. Mentioning Peter was the ultimate weapon against Tony.
“It has to be me, Tony. I won’t be able to live with myself if it was anyone else. Especially not you.” Steve’s gaze was apologetic and wistful. “I am sorry for being so selfish, Tony. I am not as strong as you.”
Tony let him go.
“I am so sorry, Mr. Stark……” Peter’s voice is barely audible. He is already on the verge of tears. “I am really really sorry about what happened.”
“It wasn’t your fault, kid.” Tony tells him. He won’t put this blame on Peter, ever. The kid already has enough to deal with. He doesn’t need this kind of guilt on his conscious. “He did it to save everyone, not just you. You had no control over any of this.”
“Do you really not blame me?” Peter whispers in a small voice.
“No. I blame my stupid, self-sacrificing fiance.” Tony lights up a cigarette and breathes in, exhaling the smoke. His lips curves into a humorless smile.
“You know, we were supposed to have a spring wedding.”
Peter looks up at him in surprise before lowering his head morosely again.
“That idiot, he just left me, like that. Who the fuck does that to their fiance, huh? Goes off and saves the world, saves humanity, when he was supposed to get married in a few months. We were already planning the wedding before the aliens attacked. We even made our guest list. He wanted a wedding cake with a Captain America and Iron Man cake topper. What a fucking dork.” His hands are shaking, but he doesn’t want to cry in front of the kid. Not for the fifth time today. Being single sucks. “I still have some of the stuff we ordered together for the wedding at the compound. Yesterday I got a calendar reminder to go pick out the table cloths. Fucking hell.”
He doesn’t realize his face is wet until the Peter pats his back gently. He rubs the tears dry hastily.
“Sorry kid, I am terrible at keeping people company now because I just can’t stop talking about my dead fiance.” He jokes knowing it’s not funny at all, even by his standards.
“It’s okay, Mr. Stark.” Peter says genuinely, “I don’t mind listening. Take all the time you need.”
-
He officially retires from being Iron Man. It hurts too much, because every part of being Iron Man reminds him of Steve. It is how they met, after all.
It takes him a while, but he ends up staying touch with all his friends. He gets letters and postcards from the avengers all the time, even though he doesn’t see them in person much anymore. Everyone eventually find their own path after they had their fair share of saving the world.
The media runs endless rounds of tribute on Iron Man, despite all the mistakes he had made in the past. His sins are buried by the past. People call him a hero, for all the sacrifices he made. Tony doesn’t think that about himself, because he knows better than anyone he is only human just like everyone else, a broken one at that.
His personality starts to mellow out, perhaps a side effect of aging, and he watches over the world with more warmth and serenity than he did when Steve first died. This is the future Steve worked so hard to save, so he will embrace it in his absence. His hair starts turning gray and his movements aren’t as swift as they were before. Thankfully, his memory is still sharp. He doesn’t know for how long, so he starts writing a book of the life of Steve Rogers after he wakes up 70 years late. He doesn’t want to forget.
It does get lonely, but at least he still has FRIDAY to chat with. Pepper, Rhodey, and Peter visits sometimes.
Tony puts a framed photo of him and Steve on the nightstand by his bed, along with Steve's engagement ring. It is the picture Natasha took of them on the day Steve proposed to him. It captures the brightest smile he has ever seen on Steve Rogers' face. This is how he wants to remember Steve. He never takes off his own ring. He remains unmarried.
“I love you, Steve.” He tells him every night.
Tony Stark never gets used to sleeping alone, but he finally learns to cope with it.