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No matter how much time passed, Ryuji always felt blessed when he woke up in the morning with Yusuke beside him. He smiled to himself, before leaning in his boyfriend’s direction.
“’Morning, love…” he said, kissing Yusuke’s forehead.
Yusuke grumbled in response, as the not-much-of-a-morning-person that he was. It was Sunday, so Ryuji decided to let him rest for a while longer, trying to carefully leave the bed. It didn’t work, for soon Yusuke reached for him, grabbing his arm.
“Where are you going…?” he asked, still half-asleep.
“The kitchen, to make breakfast for us.”
Yusuke reached for him with his other arm, hugging his waist, pulling him back to the bed.
“I’ll go with you…” he grumbled.
Ryuji laughed at those words, placing a hand on Yusuke’s head, caressing his hair.
“You’re kinda doing the contrary, y’know?”
“Hm…”
Yusuke seemed about to fall asleep again, but didn’t let go of Ryuji, who simply gave in and lied beside his boyfriend, letting Yusuke embrace him from behind. The low, even sound of his breath made it clear that he had dozed off again, and Ryuji reached for his phone, using it to pass the time for the following half an hour, when he carefully tried to leave the bed again. An useless effort, of course, since Yusuke seemed to have an inner alarm that warned him whenever Ryuji got more than a few inches away.
“Is it morning, already?” he asked.
“Yeah,” answered Ryuji. “I’ll go make us something to eat.”
Yusuke grumbled, tightening his arms around his waist, and Ryuji started to believe that, if he didn’t go against his boyfriend’s wishes, both of them would end up starving in bed.
“You can rest a little longer,” said Ryuji. “I’ll call you when it’s ready.”
Another grumble.
“Ten minutes…” asked Yusuke.
“Yusu…”
Yusuke didn’t answer, and Ryuji shook his head, smiling with the corner of his lips.
“Fine, fine…” he said. “But only ten minutes.”
As soon as he said that, Yusuke shifted on the bed, until he was leaning over Ryuji, kissing his lips in a slow, but still passionate manner. Ryuji moaned, pleased, caressing his back with the tips of his fingers. Yusuke’s lips slid from his mouth to his neck, and Ryuji let out a low, amused laugh.
“Hey…” he said, burying his fingers in Yusuke’s hair. “I thought you were still sleepy.”
“Not anymore,” muttered Yusuke against his skin.
Yusuke placed himself between Ryuji’s legs, pressing their lower bodies together in a slow, tantalizing rhythm, and, by that point, it was clear they wouldn’t be leaving the bedroom so early.
Ryuji stretched his arms, rolling his body to the side, watching as Yusuke got out of the bed. His eyes went down his boyfriend’s lean, nude back, a light smile taking his lips.
“Damn, you’re gorgeous…” he said in a low, slightly husky voice. “How did an ugly thing like me get this lucky?”
Yusuke turned to face him, his brow furrowed, lips parted in an outraged expression.
“Pardon me, what did you just say?” he asked.
Ryuji groaned, having to make an effort not to roll his eyes.
“C’mon, Yusu… We both know it’s true.”
His answer didn’t seem to improve Yusuke’s mood. On the contrary, it made him approach the bed, placing a knee on the edge of the mattress as he leaned over Ryuji. He held Ryuji’s chin with his fingers, making his boyfriend look at him.
“Ryuji Sakamoto,” he said in a low, paused manner. “What did you just say about the person I’m madly in love with?”
That serious face and tone made Ryuji avert his gaze.
“Sorry…” he said. “But it’s just how it is. I know I’m not really that attractive, or anything like that.”
Yusuke didn’t answer for some time, still observing Ryuji’s face with an intense gaze that made him feel smaller than he actually was.
“Who said that to you?” asked Yusuke.
The question caught Ryuji by surprise, making him look at his boyfriend again.
“What?” he asked, more to give his brain enough time to formulate an answer. “I don’t know… Everyone I’ve ever met?”
Yusuke narrowed his eyes.
“Is that true?” he asked. “Or is it just what you have been telling yourself?”
As blunt as always…
“I…” Ryuji tried to find a good answer, but his mind was suddenly blank. “C’mon, it doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter.”
Ryuji averted his gaze again, starting to feel uncomfortable with the situation. Noticing it, Yusuke sighed, moving away, sitting on the mattress beside him, placing a hand on his hair, gently caressing it.
“Ryuji…”
“I didn’t want to argue with you, okay?” Ryuji turned his body to the other side, facing the wall. “It was just a stupid comment… Just forget I said anything.”
“We’re not arguing,” said Yusuke in a calm voice. “I just want to understand why you see yourself this way.”
A brief, humorless laugh left Ryuji’s lips.
“Really…?” he asked, indicating himself with a broad gesture. “Just look at me. I don’t even know what you saw here to begin with… I mean, I’m glad you did, but…”
Instead of finishing his phrase, he simply gesticulated to convey the idea. Yusuke didn’t say anything for a while.
“What exactly do you think is so ugly about yourself?” he asked.
Ryuji looked at him again, in slight disbelief.
“My stupid face?” he said. “And I look like a punk, and act all weird… And I limp.”
He still had a whole list to go through, but stopped when he noticed Yusuke’s hurt expression. He touched Ryuji’s cheek with the tip of his fingers, in a slow, soft caress.
“Before anything,” he said, “you limp because a disgusting person broke your leg. It’s sad, and revolting, and unfair that you had to go through it… But it doesn’t make you less beautiful in any way.”
Something in the way Yusuke said it made Ryuji’s chest tighten, and a voice in his head warned that, if he didn’t change that subject, he would start crying like an idiot.
“Yusuke, that’s fine,” he said. “It doesn’t bother me, okay? I just said it without thinking.”
“Well, it does bother me.”
Ryuji felt tears leaving his eyes, and tried to discreetly dry them. Damn, he was so pathetic… To be crying over something that stupid, especially when he was the one who started it.
“Sorry,” he said, “I won’t say it again, alright?”
“And what is the point, if it doesn’t change how you see yourself?”
Ryuji flinched a little, not because of Yusuke’s tone, that was still as calm as before, but because he never reacted too well when the subject was himself. In fact, he hated talking about it. The tears became a little more persistent, no matter how much Ryuji dried them, and, by that point, Yusuke should have noticed them already. Such thought made him feel frustrated at himself.
Yusuke moved over the mattress, until he was sitting with his back against the wall.
“Ryuji, my love…” he said in a gentle voice. “Come here.”
Ryuji hesitated a little, but ended up doing as Yusuke said, approaching him, sitting with the legs across his lap, leaning against his body, his head resting on Yusuke’s shoulder. Yusuke took the blanket, placing it around them, to then embrace Ryuji, kissing his head. He didn’t try to continue that conversation for a long while, letting Ryuji calm down first.
As much as Ryuji knew he was overreacting, he just couldn’t help it. Opening up about such things was hard, if not painful: a lifetime of hiding his feelings of self-doubt behind a cheerful mask, and being punished for speaking his mind didn’t just go away that easily. Self-deprecation and hatred became something common to him, to the point he considered it… normal. When things went wrong, he automatically considered it his own fault. When he got sad, he assumed it was because he was weak, and couldn’t deal with his own feelings properly. When someone offered him love, he felt like he didn’t deserve it. He constantly expected those around him to realize how much of a failure he was, and disappear from his life.
So, when someone like Yusuke, who was so sweet, and talented, and beautiful in every single sense of the word treated him like that, as if he was something precious, staying by his side even after seeing all of his ugliest parts, he just didn’t know what to do.
“Did you calm down?” asked Yusuke in a low voice.
“Yeah.”
Another kiss, accompanied by a light caress on his arm. Yusuke waited a little longer before speaking again.
“Do you think I’m lying when I say you’re beautiful?”
Ryuji pressed his lips together.
“It’s not that…” he said. “But you like me, so—”
“So you think I would say it, even if it isn’t true?”
He didn’t answer, bothered by how accurate that was.
“Ryuji,” proceeded Yusuke, “I’ve never said any of these things without meaning it.”
“Then, when you first saw me, a few years ago, did you think the same thing?”
Ryuji raised his head, looking at Yusuke, who opened his mouth, but didn’t say anything. Ryuji interpreted that as a “no”.
“This is what I meant,” he said. “You think I’m beautiful ‘cause you already like me. I’m not mad, or sad, or even bothered. I know you like me the way I am now, and it makes me happy. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t always see me the way you do now, okay? And I believe you when you say it… It’s good to know you think so, but I just can’t agree, that’s all.”
Yusuke stayed silent, lowering his eyes with a pained expression.
“C’mon, Yusu…” Ryuji caressed his cheek. “Don’t make that face.”
Yusuke placed his hand over Ryuji’s, his gaze still distant. He stayed like that for a while, thinking.
“I was supposed to make you feel loved, and special…” he muttered.
“You do, babe…” assured Ryuji. “I wouldn’t be this happy without you in my life.”
“But it’s not enough.”
“Yusuke…”
Ryuji placed his arms around Yusuke’s neck, kissing his face.
“Thanks for worrying about me,” he said. “But, really… I couldn’t feel more loved, and cared, and special than I already do. Every day, I just hope I can make you as happy as you make me.”
He kissed Yusuke’s lips.
“I love you, you art nerd.”
“I love you too,” answered Yusuke. “And that’s why it bothers me to think you don’t love yourself like I do.”
Yusuke held Ryuji’s hand, bringing it to his forehead, until it touched the old scar he had there, usually hidden by his hair.
“You see this?” he said. “I used to despise it… To hate my own face whenever I looked at a mirror. It reminded me of Madarame, and all those terrible things he did and said to me, that I always thought to be the truth. My whole life, I believed the only good thing about me was my art, and, honestly, I hated all the rest.”
“Yusu…”
“But you made me feel beautiful. Not only in my appearance, but in every way possible. You made me slowly change the way I see myself. You made me feel like I’m worthy of being respected and loved as a person.”
He brought Ryuji’s hand to his lips, kissing his palm before pressing against his cheek.
“I want nothing but to make you feel the same way about yourself, but I don’t know how,” he closed his eyes, lightly squeezing Ryuji’s hand. “Tell me… What else can I do?”
The way he said it made Ryuji’s chest hurt.
“You don’t have to do anything,” he said. “You’ve already helped me change so many things about myself… I know I’m a handful sometimes, but… I’m already better than I ever was.”
He made a pause, thinking.
“It’s just that, sometimes, I can’t see anything good about myself. Then, when I realize, my head is all full of bad thoughts, and, the more it goes, the harder it is to stop them. Sometimes, somethin’ as small as what just happened is enough to start it... I don’t wanna be like this either, but I can’t stop it.”
“So, you know the way you see yourself isn’t the truth?” asked Yusuke.
“I…”
Ryuji bit the inside of his lip. He would be lying if he confirmed that, and Yusuke realized it by his reaction, letting out a long sigh. He reached for Ryuji’s face, cupping it with both hands.
“I love you, Ryuji,” he said. “I absolutely adore everything about you. But, in all honesty, sometimes I feel an uncontrollable urge to strangle you.”
That sudden change in his words made Ryuji laugh.
“Hey… That’s kinda harsh,” he said.
“If I’m not harsh with you, you simply won’t listen.”
Ryuji wanted to protest, but knew Yusuke was right. His silence made his boyfriend show him a light smile, placing a kiss on his temple.
“Very well…” he said. “Even if it takes a whole lifetime, I’ll find a way to change your mind.”
Those words made a warm feeling grow inside Ryuji’s chest.
“Wow, you’re so determined…” he said in a playful tone.
“Thank you.”
This time, Yusuke kissed his lips, and Ryuji thought about everything he had said. Thinking that Yusuke was too good for him, or that he didn’t deserve their relationship, had become something so normal to him that he almost didn’t notice it on the back of his mind, anymore. He wasn’t proud of it, but, as much as his partner said nice things about him, or made him feel loved with every single gesture, there was a constant voice in his head reminding him that, at some point, Yusuke would realize how unbalanced that relationship was, and move on.
Thinking about that hurt more than anything, but, again, it was a pain he was already used to. So, instead of thinking too much about it, he decided to enjoy it while it lasted. After all, Yusuke was this amazing artist, who looked gorgeous, and had a really kind heart. His presence was enough to brighten his day, and the time they spent together was a comfort on its own. More than anything, Ryuji wanted to be worthy of someone like Yusuke Kitagawa, but… In the end, he was just Ryuji Sakamoto.
It was so frustrating he had to make an effort not to laugh.
When they left the bed, it was close to noon. They ended up skipping breakfast and having lunch outside. After that, they spent a few hours at the park, walking and chatting while Yusuke sketched on his sketchbook.
“Can I see it?” asked Ryuji.
Yusuke raised his eyes to his boyfriend, then looked back at the page, twisting his lips.
“Not yet,” he said.
Ryuji groaned in protest, but it didn’t make Yusuke change his mind. For the rest of the day, that same situation repeated itself over and over: Yusuke would suddenly take his sketchbook, sketch for a few seconds, then close it again, while not letting Ryuji see its contents. It was unusual, since he normally would ask for his partner’s opinion as he drew. Ryuji couldn’t deny it made him feel a little weird, but didn’t insist.
They went back home when the sun was already setting, buying some snacks on the way, for them to enjoy later. Yusuke placed his bag next to the wardrobe, taking the sketchbook out of it.
“Will you lemme see it now?” asked Ryuji.
Yusuke lowered his eyes to the object in his hand, then let out a low sigh.
“I guess twenty-one should be enough,” he said.
But, instead of offering him the sketchbook, Yusuke sat on their bed, opening it. Ryuji watched him as he started to speak.
“Number one: woke me up with a kiss and a smile. Number two: indulged in my laziness, despite being a morning person. Number three—”
Ryuji frowned at him, a little confused.
“What are you talking about?” he asked.
Yusuke briefly raised his eyes, looking at him.
“You probably don’t pay attention to all these small gestures,” he said, “so I’ve decided to list them.”
“You what?”
Instead of answering, Yusuke turned his attention back to those pages.
“Number three: gave up on his morning plans to fulfill my selfish desires. Number four—”
Ryuji’s eyes widened as he started to understand what he was saying.
“Wait,” he said, “are you talking about me?”
A light smile appeared on Yusuke’s lips, but he didn’t stop listing.
“…made me feel so good I thought I was going to go crazy.”
An intense heat took Ryuji’s face and neck.
“C’mon, Yusuke…” he protested. “This is kinda embarrassing!”
Yusuke ignored his words.
“Number five: caressed my face with a gentleness I never imagined possible in my life. Number six: called me gorgeous in such a warm and sincere tone, that I simply couldn’t help but believe it.”
“Why wouldn’t you believe it?” asked Ryuji.
“Number seven: made an effort to open up to me, despite how difficult it is to him. Number eight: said he loves me… It always surprises me how something this incredible even happened.”
Ryuji simply stared at him: how could he be surprised by that? Of course he fell for him… Yusuke was everything he could ever want from a partner, and much more. Someone like that should never feel insecure… Ryuji was the lucky one to have him around.
“Number nine: I was unable to help in any meaningful way, but still, he stayed beside me, and embraced me as if I was something he treasures. Number ten: tried to comfort me, despite being the one hurting the most. Number eleven: washed my back as we showered together, and dried my hair as soon as we got to the bedroom. Number twelve: carried my bag for me when we got outside, and held my hand, even under the disapproving glances. Number thirteen: let me choose where we should eat, so I chose the place where he brought me when we were younger, after hearing that I didn’t have many friends. I could barely conceal my happiness at those memories, and I wish I could express properly how much they mean to me.”
Yes… Ryuji remembered the sweet smile on Yusuke’s face, but he had just assumed it was because he liked the food. When they first went there together, they could barely be considered “friends”, and had close to nothing in common. Still, Ryuji knew how terrible it was to feel isolated, and didn’t want Yusuke to go through that. So, since their tastes seemed to be so different, eating together seemed like a good way to do it without making things awkward. Of course, as they grew closer, going out together became something common and fun for the two of them, and, from there, their relationship slowly started to change. Looking back, it was funny how such a small thing had changed everything.
“Number fourteen: suggested that we made a trip to the park, because he knows that place makes me feel calm. Number fifteen: we shared a milk-shake, and he chose my favorite flavor, despite not being his favorite one. Number sixteen: showed interest in my art, and allowed me to talk endlessly about it. Number seventeen: placed a hand on my waist as we walked, and brought me close to him, reminding me that he wants me by his side. At times, I still fear he’ll get tired of my eccentricity and walk away, but gestures like this reassure me that he truly loves me, despite all of my flaws.”
Hearing Yusuke talk about his own insecurity in such a way, so similar to how Ryuji felt, forced him to think about those words. It was hard to believe, but… As obvious as they seemed to Ryuji, Yusuke didn’t seem to acknowledge all those amazing things about himself — the same way Ryuji never considered those small actions he had just described as something special, or even worthy of attention. He wanted to say something, but no words came out of his mouth. So, Yusuke proceeded.
“Number eighteen: with all of these small gestures, he reminded me, once again, of what I love about myself. Of my worth, not only as an artist, but as a person. As someone who is capable of doing beautiful things, and feeling beautiful emotions, because he was there to show me what it means to love someone above anything else, and to be loved in return.”
Ryuji’s sight became slightly blurry, and only then he noticed the tears that were threatening to leave his eyes.
“Number nineteen: he laughed at a silly comment I made, and it made me realize I want to be with him for the rest of my days. There are so many things I want us to experience together, that I’m unable to even think about all of them at once. Thanks to him, for the first time in my life, I look forward to the future.”
Ryuji placed a hand over his mouth, briefly closing his eyes.
“Number twenty: being close to him makes me feel comfortable and safe. When I think about it, he is the one who changed my whole life for the better. It was thanks to him that I had the strength to stop isolating myself, and actually try to be a better person. Everything I am today, I owe it to him.”
Yusuke raised his eyes, looking at Ryuji as he said those final words.
“Number twenty-one: I sometimes take his presence in my life as granted, but thinking for a single second of how everything would be without him… How lonely, and insecure, and filled with ugly emotions I would be, is enough to make me cherish every moment we spend beside each other. He is my closest friend, my strength, the reason I’m happy to be alive every morning, and I’ll never cease to be amazed at how fortunate I am to have someone as strong, and caring, and beautiful as Ryuji Sakamoto in my life.”
Ryuji looked at him for a moment, in silence. Then, with wide steps, he closed the distance between the two of them, sitting beside Yusuke on the bed, hugging his neck. Yusuke embraced him back, a hand on his head, caressing his hair as he placed a soft kiss on his shoulder.
All things considered, in their flawed beauty, the two of them were perfect together.