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The sun warmed his face, the shadows of leaves dappling the glowing grass cushioning his seat. Sai was sitting around half a mile from the outskirts of Konoha, staring halfheartedly at a nearby tree trunk with several of Naruto’s shurikens embedded in it. That’s right, both of the members of his new team had insisted upon accompanying him outside the village when all he wanted was a quiet place to reflect. The previous mission to Orochimaru’s den was one of the most stressful of his whole life, and not because of difficulty. Sai’s life had been turned upside down by Naruto and his bond with Sasuke. He had completed his drawing. He had disobeyed Danzo . Everything was different. Sai needed time to think. But of course, his new comrades had followed him out of concern or pity, he didn’t know which.
Sai sighed and ran his fingers through the soft grass, tuning back into the conversation.
“You really need to keep better care of your hair, Naruto, you have a ton of split ends and stuff.” Sakura was scolding the eccentric blonde about...hair care?
“Uggghh, that doesn’t matter! We’re ninjas! We don't gotta care about that kinda stuff, who are you, Ino?”
This conversation could not be less banal.
“Hell no! I’m not like Ino, but having good hygiene might be a good idea.” Her face pulled into one of disgust. “When was the last time you showered?”
Naruto let out a yell of indignation. Sakura smirked.
“See, I’m pretty, no matter what Sai says, and that’s because I take care of myself.”
“To be honest Sakura, I don’t really consider you ugly or pretty,” Sai stated, deciding to intervene before things got out of hand. “It’s not that I simply don’t care as Naruto might claim to-”
“Hey!”
“I just cannot tell the difference,” he finished.
Sakura made a face like she was considering whether to be offended or not. “So when you called me ugly…?”
“From lack of a feeling of joy upon seeing your face, I assumed you were not pretty,” he swiftly dodged an enraged attack, “But I cannot see that on anyone’s face, even Ino’s,” he finished quickly.
One look at Sakura’s face told him to change the subject, and fast. “I-I do not even understand the difference between girls and boys, really...”
This caused pause on both Sakura and Naruto’s faces. “Whaddya mean?” inquired Naruto.
Sai shifted a bit. This was not where he thought the conversation would go. “There was a girl… in ROOT when I was… She was just as talented and strong as the rest of us and I couldn’t really make the distinction between her and my b-brother and I, in terms of - uh - gender. There doesn’t seem to be a difference. I am told girls are more temperamental and emotional - ouch, Sakura why did you hit me? - but Naruto is like that as well - ah, Naruto why did you hit me?” Sai rubbed both arms and thoroughly regretted bringing up any subject having to do with women.
Sakura sighed. “Honestly, Sai… Boys have boy parts and girls have girl parts.” She pulled a face at the crudeness of the explanation while Naruto looked on pensively.
“I understand that, but then there’s Naruto, who lacks any balls but still is a boy.” He distanced himself from Naruto in fear of another strike, but none came.
Naruto was still sitting uncharacteristically quietly. After a moment, he spoke. “Yeah, well Sai, I’m a special case. And if femininity and masculinity confuse you, trans people will definitely confuse the hell outta you.”
“What is a trans person?” Sai immediately inquired.
“God, Naruto, don’t confuse him!”
“Hey, I just said not to mention it!”
“But you mentioned it!”
Sai easily tuned out the bickering of the two, used to it. He refocused his attention on the shuriken and kunai stuck in the tree. His eyes traced the edges of them, observing the shine on the edge of each of them. It was true. He couldn’t tell the difference.
“But if I don’t know what the difference is, how do I know I am a boy?” Oh, he said that out loud.
Even to the socially stunted youth, the silence was deafening.
“Sai…” Was that pity?
“Uh well-” Confusion.
Fuck . He had fucked up.
“You know because of what you-you know - have… And well, you must be a boy because you, uh, you have to because, uh…” Sakura waved her hands vaguely.
“Sakura.” Naruto’s raspy voice interrupted harshly.
“What?”
“He doesn’t have to be anything! He can be whatever he identifies as!” Naruto slammed his hands on the grass, glaring at Sakura.
She recoiled. “It doesn’t seem right though, he’s Sai and -”
“Right?!? Am I not ‘right’, Sakura?!?” His hands balled into the grass.
“I never said that! It’s just, you being a guy makes more sense to me than like...Sai being a…” She paused, unsure.
Naruto’s face was filled with rage and he huffed angrily. “Sakura, just shut it, ok?”
“Fine!” Sakura jumped abruptly to her feet and stormed off towards the village. Naruto gazed after her for a few moments, biting his lip, but he turned back to Sai.
Sai’s face was still, shocked.
“Just ignore her, ok, Sai?”
His face sunk into gloom. A silent glance to the side. A shift in his seating.
Naruto looked on in worry. “You can be whatever you want to be Sai… You can be a boy or a girl if you want, I don’t care!” he exclaimed.
Sai shifted his legs up towards his chest. “But what are you?” he inquired softly.
Naruto’s eyebrows knit in surprise and annoyance. “Little of a rude way to ask,” he huffed. Upon seeing his friend’s guilty look, he realized that Sai didn’t know any better. Hastily, he changed his disposition. “But I’m a trans guy. That means I’m a boy, but I was born with girl parts. And that doesn’t matter at all to me because I’m a boy so I have a boy body and a boy mind. And I’m still gonna become the most badass Hokage in the history of Konoha!”
Sai felt something warm, and it wasn’t the sun. “I don’t doubt that.” He took a deep breath. “But how would you even know? That you weren’t a girl?” Naruto was not being rude to him, or angry. He was being kind. Maybe he was safe to talk to.
His blue eyes shone with care. “What being feminine means is different for everybody Sai. I just knew that I was a boy. I just knew.”
“So how can I know what I am?”
“Well, you said you can’t tell the difference between men and women right?” Sai gave a slight nod. “Well, you might just not have a concept of gender in your mind...Which might mean that…” Naruto paused, racking his brain.
The blonde cleared his throat. “Sai do you think you might be...agender?”
“Agender? As in...without gender?”
Naruto smiled brightly. “Yeah! It means you don’t identify with boy, girl, or any other gender. Just you.” He poked the brunette in the chest lightheartedly. “No gender.”
“Oh.”
He doesn’t think of rules or the sound of dripping blood or killing emotions.
“I think I like that. Agender.”
He doesn’t think of a pink head walking away.
“Agender.”
Sai thinks of a boy with a cough and the fine lines of ink of a completed drawing.
Sai thinks of a young man with sun in his hair and sky in his eyes and hope in his heart.
Sai decides that he is agender.
In a daze, he rises, eyes fixed on the forest, past the tree trunk embedded with weapons. He begins to walk. Everything is different. He needs to-
“Wait up, Sai!”
Sai froze. He turned. Blue eyes met his brown. Naruto smiled reassuringly. “If you wanna identify as agender then do you wanna use they/them pronouns?”
He blinked. “Pronouns?”
“Well, he and she are gendered, but they isn’t, so it would make sense for you to use it.”
“Oh, I can do that then.” Everything felt so simple when Naruto said it. It seemed like an obvious choice. Naruto was new but familiar. He was a constant, a rock. Sai’s eyes welled with tears.
He-no, they pulled Naruto into a hug. It was warm and soft and kind.
“Thanks for helping me with this. I will be sure to repay you.” Their voice was soft and raw.
Naruto tightened his arms around the other. “No need, dude. I’m glad I could help a friend.” He pulled back looking Sai in the eyes with a wide, confident smile.
The sun was setting, but it was fine. Naruto went to retrieve his kunai and shuriken from the tree. Everything was fine.
“W-well I’m going home now…” Sai stammered.
Naruto waved his hand. “Yeah sure, I’ll deal with Sakura. She’s only known me as a boy ever so she’s probably just confused. She’ll come round. Do you mind if I tell her…?”
“N-no I’d rather…” She would hate them. They couldn’t tell Sakura.
“No problem bro, we can keep it to ourselves then, huh? No biggie, I didn’t come out to Iruka for like a year!”
Naruto rolled up his bag and slung it over his back. He started walking towards the sunset, towards the village, turning for a moment to say, “See you later, bro -- used totally non-gendered by the way!”
“See you...bro.”
Sai’s face was warm. Sai’s heart was warm. They blamed the sun. A soft smile touched their face.
Everything was different, but it was in a good way.