Work Text:
Uraraka Ochako is not exactly broke.
Sure, the budget is a little tight, but she can afford clothes for the winter. Probably. Maybe if she gives up food. And rent. And lives in a tent for the rest of the term.
It can’t be that bad… right?
So the truth is she kind of needs cash. Like, yesterday. As generous as her parents are, she can't be relying on them for everything, which brings her back to the point of 'how does a teenage girl make money?'. She considers getting a part-time job, but Yuuei's schedule is too haphazard for any sort of regular position. Prostitution is a no-go, selling her possessions can only go so far, and desperately hoping to win the lottery has never worked for anyone. She considers turning to a life of crime, but realizes her mother would be very disappointed.
Then it hits her. Students. Half the students at Yuuei come from old money, and what better way to make cash than profiteering over the weaknesses of her peers? The possibility of exploitation is endless!
Ahem.
Now, the question is: how exactly is she going to have them part with their precious yen? Selling food is a no, Lunch Rush's meals are already infinitely better than anything she could make, and she likes making crafts, but the effort put into making them isn't worth the meager returns. To make money, she needs to sell a service - what do all high school students want that she can monetize?
The idea comes in the middle of class as she absently watches Ashido doodle hearts into her notebook. Aoyama is making kissing faces at the window, Kaminari is flirting with Jirou (horribly), and even Satou is staring dreamily at a girl running track. She studies them intently. What do all these young fools have in common? What drives their small, single tracked minds?
The answer is simple.
The answer, is love .
For reasons beyond her comprehension, high school students are obsessed with dating and sex. More importantly, they are emotionally compromised by their romantic interests, which makes it the perfect time to strike for their wallets. She may have zero interest in matters of the heart, but she is prepared to fake it with the expert determination of someone determined to make cold, hard cash by any means possible.
She spends the next few nights putting together a mess of love charms, searching up common love tips and gathering dating advice. When she has her materials settled, she practices her most portentous fortune-teller voice, and in the morning, she wheedles Deku into helping her set up a small booth in a secluded corner of the cafeteria. Iida offers token distressed complaints, but when she tells him it's in the spirit of Romance and Youth, he cries manly tears and relents. With that, ‘Uraraka Ochako’s House of Love’ is open for business.
At first, people look at her like she's crazy. After a few days of nothing, the first curious birds begin to flock to her table, and the long con begins. She's up for selling anything dating related - lucky love charms, romantic advice, secret date spots - hell, even locker combinations for some unique people who want to slip surprise confessions into their crush's locker. … Or do … other things to their personal items. She's not going to think too hard on that one.
It's going well, so well, in fact, that she considers expanding her services. Love advice is good and all, but there has to be something special she can offer. Something personal. Something unique. Something worth more money. She thinks on it for a week, then inspiration strikes.
Matchmaking.
What better way to profit off her peers than to exploit their angsty teenage crushes?! She strongarms Deku into setting up a second part of the booth, hidden by a strip of cloth for private consultations. It makes her setup look even shadier, but she’s banking on people buying into the edginess. Teenagers, amirite? She begins charging double for special matchmaking sessions, and in a day, her appointments are fully booked.
That night, she settles into bed with a smile, thinking of all the precious yen in her wallet. Then she stops. Thinks about what exactly she's signed herself up for.
This is going to be a mess, isn't it?
Her first private consultation is none other than Yaoyorozu Momo. The heiress flutters into her booth, looking utterly incongruous in the shabby surroundings.
"I've always been interested in quaint customs such as Teenage Dating Rituals!" Yaoyorozu says, in a tone that borders on rapturous. "Please, tell me how I can find my high school romance!" Her smile is so blindingly, innocently bright that Ochako almost wants to return her money. Then she remembers she needs textbooks for next semester and decides morality is for the weak.
"Well," she shuffles around a few papers, "let's start with what kind of person you're interested in." She pulls out a notebook, pretending to write a complex diagnosis while actually scribbling a doodle of a whale. It comes out lopsided, but it's still very cute.
Yaoyorozu blushes. "Well- I - You see - My type is -"
Ochako smirks. "Raven-haired punk girls with headphone-jack ears?"
Yaoyorozu squirms in her seat. "Y-Yes. How - How did you know?"
Ochako cracks her knuckles, abandoning her sketch. This matchmaking thing might be easier than she thought. "I've heard rumours. I know all things." She wiggles her fingers in a way she hopes looks mystical, then closes her eyes with a pretentious hum.
"The spirits of romance tell me... your feelings are requited!" Yaoyorozu adorably squeals. Then her eyes go wide, uncertainty spreading over her expression.
"Now what should I do, great Romance Master?" Her gaze is sweet and trusting, and gah, way to make this feel horrible. Money, Ochako. Think of the money.
"Be assertive!" Ochako advises. "Take control of your destiny! Walk up to that girl, and tell her how you feel!" Knowing Jirou, she'll probably think a direct confession is punk as hell. And judging from the way Jirou eyes up Yaoyorozu’s hero costume, it will be very, very welcome.
"But Romance Master -" Yaoyorozu beseeches, "I don't know the first thing about asking someone out! I've never read any manuals - or - or - reference guides on this sort of thing!"
Ochako brings her into a huddle, ready to impart precious knowledge on her young pupil. "Yaoyorozu,” She says, “Let me tell you of a wondrous thing called 'otome games'."
Yaoyorozu leaves armed with the combined knowledge of over 47 unique romance routes. She proposes dating to Jirou in the middle of homeroom class with a wall-pin, a barrel of a hundred roses, and pick-up-lines in French. Ochako is begrudgingly impressed. They are happily dating by the end of the day, and she pats herself on the back for a job well done.
After Yaoyorozu's success and ecstatic testimonial, business booms. She counsels everyone, from lonely singles to a particularly memorable triad. People buy handmade love charms for a thousand yen apiece, and take her advice as words from the heavens. Everything is working exactly as it should, and her next few matchmaking clients are a breeze, starting with Ashido.
"Everyone's saying you're the romance pro," she gushes, "So can you please pleaaase help me confess to Sero!" Ashido looks far too glamorous for Ochako's sketchy romance hut, but Ochako will make it work. She steeples her fingers dramatically, gesturing to a hastily-drawn Venn diagram.
"Let's start with what you two have in common, and work our way from there."
It takes half an hour, but they manage to find the perfect intersection of Ashido and Sero’s interests in the form of a heavy metal concert mosh pit. Unexpected. Ashido excitedly orders tickets, and skips out of the booth. Last Ochako's heard, they are happily planning date number three.
Her third client is Kaminari, and after an excessive bout of man pain, she surmises he is sad because he can't get a girl. Go figure. She coaches him through exercises that involve not flirting with everything that moves, then points him in the direction of an extremely handsy first year. They get on like a house on fire, and really, she's outdone herself.
Next up is Mineta. Now, for ordinary women, this would be a challenge, but Uraraka Ochako never backs down in defeat. Forget real women - technology is the future. She introduces him to the world of VR, and lets him go to town on his new digital waifu. Unsurprisingly, he disappears for a week. When he returns, his entire countenance is dreamy and glazed. He comes to her excitedly to tell her all the details, but really - she really doesn't want to know.
Ochako closes shop with a satisfied smile, and counts her earnings with badly-masked glee.
This matchmaking business is going fantastic, which is why her next customer throws her for a loop. To her utter surprise, the name on the list is Todoroki Shouto, Ice Prince of 1A. He comes into her office with a frown, sitting in the consultation chair like he would rather be anywhere else. Possibly even dead.
"Todoroki-" she starts. "...Are you here for the matchmaking services?"
Todoroki moves into a jerky nod. Ochako struggles to mask her disbelief.
"O-kay then..." She fusses over some papers and tries to look professional. "What exactly are you looking for?" This is a surprising turn of events, but she's not too concerned about the prospects. Todoroki Shouto could get anyone in their grade, easy. Except maybe Bakugou - Ochako isn't touching that walking disaster with a ten foot pole.
Todoroki sighs. "Endeavour wishes to arrange a quirk marriage." He says, and alright, that was not what she was expecting. "If I am already dating someone else, it would be a good excuse to avoid it."
Ochako blinks. "So what you're saying is, you need someone to fake date so your dad doesn't sign you up for a quirk breeding cult?"
Todoroki sighs again. "... Essentially, yes."
Well . Ochako slightly regrets already setting up Yaoyorozu - she'd be perfect for the role. Sadly, Yaoyorozu and Jirou are happily dating, and Ochako would rather not get in the middle of that. She's nearly stumped, when she spies Deku in the corner of her eye. Mentally, she checks off a list. Trustworthy? Check. Comfortable with the client? Check. Convincing actor? Eeeeh... they'll work on it. Midoriya is perfect.
"Deku!" She yells, "Come over here!" Midoriya jumps, eyes wide as he wanders over, kneeling to peer into her consultation box.
"What's up, Uraraka? How's business?" He pokes his head in, then starts when he sees Todoroki. "O-Oh, hi, Todoroki!" He laughs, edging on nervous. "I didn't- I didn't know you were into this kind of stuff."
Todoroki stares at the floor, in the exact manner of wishing it would swallow him whole. "There were... extenuating circumstances."
Yeah, that's one way to call it. Ochako pastes on her Trustworthy Saleswoman smile and turns to Midoriya. "Deku," she demurs, "how would you like to help out a friend?"
Two things happen at once.
Midoriya says, "Of course," at the exact same time as Todoroki says, "Anyone but Midoriya."
Awkward silence ensues.
Ochako stutters out a laugh, trying to pull this conversation to safe harbour. "Aww, come on, Todoroki - Midoriya would be a great fake date!" She turns to him, expecting an encouraging smile, but Midoriya's face has gone blank and expressionless, his voice a deceptively bland sort of calm.
"Fake Date?"
Todoroki flushes, the tiniest hint of red on the tips of his ears. "It can't be Midoriya. Anyone else will be fine." And wow, harsh , but okay. She turns back to Midoriya to let him leave, but stops when she sees his expression.
Midoriya looks crestfallen.
"...You don't even want to pretend to date me?" And no, oh no , Midoriya’s sad face makes her Very Very Weak.
"-That's not - that's not what I mean -" Todoroki immediately stammers, backing up in his seat. His cheeks are starting to redden, and Ochako is eating this shit up like a drama.
"Then... why not me?" He looks so sweet and confused, and Todoroki’s distress is beginning to become contagious - Ochako’s heart is beating something fierce.
“It just - it just can’t.” Todoroki mutters, looking away. This has absolutely zero effectiveness in hiding his incredibly obvious blush. He looks as if he’s about to flee, but Midoriya crowds up in his space, pinning him to the chair with his eyes.
“Why not me?” Midoriya repeats, his voice achingly deep. There’s a beat, then he murmurs, "Why not, Shouto?"
Todoroki snaps.
"Because I want to date you for real!"
Silence descends. Ochako resists the urge to very quietly scream, or roll away like the third wheel she is.
Todoroki stutters an apology, then buries his face in his hands like he’s determined to never rise again. Midoriya stares at him, then smiles in a way that reveals absolutely none of his intentions.
"Uraraka-chan," he says, syrupy sweet. "Could you give us a moment?" Numbly, she crawls out of the booth. Midoriya climbs in, and she waits.
And waits.
And waits.
When they emerge, Midoriya's tie is even messier than before, dangling around his neck like a noose and doing absolutely nothing to hide the red marks staining his throat. His smile bears the particular predatory gleam of a man who has gotten exactly what he wants. Beside him, Todoroki's hair is badly mussed and his cheeks are red enough to catch fire, but his hand is wound together with Midoriya’s, their fingers laced tight. Midoriya sends her a nod, then he and Todoroki wander off into the sunset.
Ochako considers if she needs to disinfect the booth before she heads back in.
From then on, it's chaos. She should've known the good times were just the calm before the storm. She's saddled with three impossible cases in a row, and has to deal with telling a series of dejected teens that their one true loves will never love them back. Not for the first time, she wonders if this was actually a good idea.
Aoyama's consultation is next, and that ends in a bust because he can't stop looking at his own face. She counts that as a technical win, because he is in love - just not with anyone else.
In an even more absurd event, her homeroom teacher's husband ducks into her booth and asks for tips for an anniversary date. Ochako is tempted to ask why a full grown man is seeking the romantic advice of a teenage girl, but money is money, and she will prevail. She tries not to feel incredibly awkward when Aizawa-Sensei walks into class with a pronounced limp.
But things are worse before they get better. Slowly, business returns to normal, and she thinks things may finally be on the up again when an explosion rocks her booth, ripping the roof to pieces. She stares up at her attacker, expression somewhere between incredulous and pissed, and he stares right back, absolutely unrepentant.
"Round-face," Bakugou Katsuki growls. "I need your fucking advice."
If you had told the Uraraka Ochako of the past she would be giving Bakugou Katsuki dating advice, she would have laughed and then very seriously asked if you needed mental help. With references. But here they are, Uraraka Ochako scribbling in her notebook, and Bakugou Katsuki sitting in the consultation chair, looking belligerent.
"So, you're having trouble confessing," she starts. Bakugou hisses. Ochako resists the urge to roll her eyes - dealing with Bakugou is like herding a particularly willful cat. "What can you tell me about the person you're interested in?"
Bakugou leans back in his seat, chair scraping disruptively over the floor. "I don't have to tell you shit."
Ochako sighs. Of course this couldn’t be easy. "Actually, you do. Or else I can't give you advice.” And before he can ask: “I don't give refunds."
Bakugou's lips curl into a sneer. "Fine, fucker. Just - tell me how you know."
She blinks. "... How you know what ?"
He growls, chair screeching all over again, and really, this is the worst. "How do you know if you fucking like someone?"
She stares. Glances at her notes, then back at Bakugou. "... I wouldn't know. Shouldn't you be asking Kirishima about your feelings? He can actually deal with your moods." At the sound of his name, Bakugou flushes like a light, and never mind, this is the best thing that has ever happened to her. She tamps down a maniacal laugh.
"So … you like Kirishima , huh?"
Bakugou grits his teeth. "How the fuck am I supposed to know?"
Ochako thinks of typical infatuation symptoms, listing them off one by one. "Do you think of him a lot? Does it make you happy when you're around him?" Bakugou glares sullenly at the floor, and she continues. "Do you like things about him? Does it make you jealous when he's with someone else?"
Slowly, Bakugou grumbles out an extremely reluctant, "...yes."
Praise the heavens - they're getting somewhere. "Then don't you think you should tell him how you feel?" And let Ochako watch from the sidelines - she wants to see this ship go down. "Or at least see if he's interested?"
Bakugou grunts, utterly uncooperative. Ochako is seriously beginning to wonder why he asked for advice if he refuses to say anything .
“What would you want, from a relationship with him?” She tries. She expects something about bro power or gym buddies, but instead Bakugou Katsuki curls up in his chair and blushes .
“D-Don’t be fucking gross -” He stutters, and holy shit, is this real life? Bakugou Katsuki is goddamn Soft . Again, she strangles down a villainous cackle.
“If you feel this strongly about him, maybe you should say something about it. With your words.” Because she can’t resist poking the angry bear, she adds, “Not all things can be solved by large explosions.”
An angry vein pulses on Bakugou’s forehead, and Ochako is beginning to seriously worry about his blood pressure. “Fuck you very much.” He snarls, yanking open the curtain and stomping away, a steaming line of smoke in his wake.
From Bakugou, that was almost a ‘thank you’.
Ochako manages to keep the disastrous Bakugou session from her mind, up until a certain redhead peeks his way into her booth for her counsel. Unlike Bakugou, Kirishima is unfailingly polite, and incurs zero property damage upon entry. Her opinion of him improves immediately.
“So,” he starts, nervously playing with his hair, “What do you do if you - if you think you like someone, and you think they like you back - I mean, you hope they like you back, but they’re also extremely volatile and will probably explode you to death if you’re wrong?” He says in a rush. Ochako wants to pull out her hair. Of course Bakugou couldn’t make it easy for her and just tell him .
“Bakugou, huh?” She says, in lieu of screaming and kicking over the table. “Lets just say I have it on good authority that romantic advances would be well received.”
Kirishima doesn’t look heartened. If anything, he looks even more nervous than before. “How - How do I do that though? If I accidentally make him mad, I might actually die.” Kirishima must be a rare sort of masochist because he looks both disturbed and excited by the prospect. “Ashido says you give good advice - How do I make it work?” The two situations are not comparable - Ashido wasn’t trying to date a psychopath.
“Well…” She clears her throat. “You can start by changing some elements of your relationship,” she suggests, “Try adding things in, like physical contact or endearing language.” Ochako tries to imagine Bakugou saying ‘babe’, and pulls a face. “...Maybe no pet names. Please, no pet names.”
Kirishima squirms in his seat. “I feel like - I already try a lot of that stuff? I mean, Bakugou is my bro. And you know, we do bro things. How do you tell someone you want to do shirtless things, when you already do literal shirtless things ?” His euphemism makes zero sense, but she more or less understands the spirit of what he’s trying to say.
“So, what you’re saying is, how do you translate an already close relationship from friendship to romance?” He nods. Ochako shrugs. “My honest opinion? A straightforward confession. Leave zero room for doubt. If they’re not into you, they’re not into you, and you go back to being friends.” Albeit, more awkward ones.
“Uraraka,” Kirishima says, very seriously. “You are telling me to have an emotional conversation with Bakugou Katsuki.” And huh. She sees the issue.
“That boy avoids emotions like the plague.” She surmises. Kirishima nods. They sit there in contemplative silence, and Uraraka realizes she is actually stumped. And it bothers her.
Bakugou likes Kirishima. Kirishima likes Bakugou. And yet - how do you make Kirishima and Bakugou actually date? This… this is a problem. What kind of gesture would be romantic enough to broker no confusion, yet subtle enough that Bakugou doesn’t go into emotional overload? Considering Bakugou has the emotional capacity of a thimble, there’s really nothing.
“Maybe you should just jump him, and be done with it,” She jokes, feeling more than a little hopeless. There’s a beat of silence, and she realizes Kirishima isn’t laughing. He’s sitting there, thunderstruck, staring at her like she’s the answer to all his questions of life.
“That’s a great idea!” He cheers, and no, please, Kirishima, you’ll die . She tries to stop him, but he’s already standing, pumping his fists in the air like he isn’t marching to Certain Death. “Man, you know what? I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna do it right now!” Before she can even protest, he’s dashing from the booth, screaming Bakugou’s name.
She stares at his fading back, silently praying for his soon to be lost soul.
With the matchmaking business taking up all her time, Ochako has half forgotten the fact that she is a student and actually needs to go to class. But education waits for no woman, and if she’s paying for this school, she’s going to learn. Heading into homeroom, she blinks through a yawn, rubbing at the fog in her eyes. She pushes open the door, then freezes. Blinks again, but the scene before her doesn’t change.
Yaoyorozu and Jirou have pushed together their desks, happily chatting with their legs delicately entwined. A lock of Yaoyorozu’s hair brushes against her cheek, and Jirou tucks it behind her ear with a sweet, gentle smile. Sero and Ashido are chatting animatedly about the latest concert they attended, all over each other, and somehow are succeeding in making death metal music an innuendo. Mineta has a VR headset on, sweating profusely, and Kaminari looks like he’s desperately sexting. Todoroki and Midoriya are in the corner of the room, fingers laced together, and Kirishima is draped over Bakugou’s shoulders, who is blushing like the tsundere he is. She takes a moment to appreciate the fact that Kirishima’s confession actually worked, then takes a moment to marvel at the fact that holy shit, Kirishima’s confession actually worked. As a matter of fact, every one of her customers in Class 1A are currently engaged in a successful romance.
For a moment, she overflows with pride. She did it! Uraraka Ochako is a successful romantic genius! All those hours of grinding otome games and reading articles on the nature of attraction must have actually worked! The sight of the fruits of her labour brings a tear to her eye, and she happily skips to her seat.
Within seconds, the happiness fades. Because new couples… new couples are intolerable.
Not a second goes by where Yaoyorozu and Jirou have stopped giggling. Or playing footsie. Or talking. Ashido and Sero have taken up residence in the same seat, and their tickle fight borders on erotic. Mineta is desperately humping the bottom of his desk, and Kaminari looks fried, fingers numb from frantic typing. Todoroki and Midoriya are sickeningly cute, with their hand-holding and ridiculous coos of Izuku! and Shouto! , and Kirishima is all over Bakugou. Literally. At some point, he slides onto Bakugou’s lap and this - this is not what Ochako planned.
Is there a word for regret at being too goddamn good at your job, because Ochako is feeling it. Feeling it hard. Her regret is in the shape of a stack of crisp bills of yen, and Ochako has never before cursed her greed as ardently as she does now.
One by one, the couples come to her, happily heaping praise and thanks, and Ochako makes a valiant effort not to melt like a witch under their gooey, mushy gazes.
Maybe her store needs some new branding. Screw Uraraka Ochako’s House of Love - there is now a desperate need for Uraraka Ochako’s House of Breaking the Fuck Up. Her sanity cannot take any more of this excessive teenage romance.