Chapter Text
"Are you with child?"
Just after hearing the question Bilbo was prepared to be upset.
As if someone who was pregnant would not be fit for travel, the nerve! Then he noticed the way Thorin’s hands were clenched into fists tightly enough to whiten his knuckles; clenched in a way that must make his nails dig into his palms. And the Hobbit took a deep breath and informed his husband that no, he was not.
Thorin slumped as if he was one of the dolls on strings that Bofur had made for Della. And after another moment's thought Bilbo realised that had he been with child he might very well have been forced to give birth before being back in Erebor. Ah.
Their journey to Erebor had taken close to half a year, but that was with a lot of delays, stops and other mishaps such as the company being locked up in Mirkwood for almost a month. The return journey should be much quicker, and even though he was going to the Shire and back again it would be fine. If he knew Thorin, and Bilbo would definitely say that he did, he would have so many guards with him that any Troll, Spider or Orc would think twice about trying to eat them.
Still, fair was fair, perhaps Thorin had a point, or would have had one had Bilbo been pregnant. Which he wasn't. Almost entirely certainly.
"It's not that I want to leave you and the children," Bilbo said and took Thorin's hand. "I'll be back as soon as I can. But I have to go. The Thain-"
"I know," Thorin sighed, wrapping his arms snugly around Bilbo, and the Hobbit melted into the embrace.
“If it was just one thing I could perhaps delay it,” Bilbo said, somewhat muffled as his head was pressed against Thorin’s chest.
He managed to turn his head slightly which improved the situation greatly. “But young Hamfast wrote me as well, and I’m not sure that the Thain would ask me to come home simply because Lobelia keeps trying to steal my silverware, and I do also want to see Primula and Drogo wedded. They’re both my favourite cousins you know.”
“I know,” Thorin said, somewhat morosely.
“I just don’t understand why Fortinbras couldn’t write and tell me what he wanted exactly,” Bilbo muttered. “Quite rude really. Can’t be about the wedding either. He’d not write just because of that.”
Thorin sighed and tightened his arms a little and Bilbo rubbed circles into what he could reach of his husband’s back.
“I’d say I’ll be back before you know it, but I’m beginning to suspect that you’ve already started to miss me.”
“We will all miss you terribly,” Thorin said, his arms tightening a little bite more.
“I wish you could all have come with me, darling,” Bilbo said soothingly. “But the children are not quite old enough that I would want them on the road. Della would perhaps be all right to bring-“
Thorin’s grip tightened ever so slightly again. “-but the others, no. I could not do it with a clean consciousness. Thank the Valar that they'v already started eating solids. And leaving them without both their parents- oomph!“
Thorin’s grip on him had tightened again, and Bilbo patted Thorin on the back. “Darling, I’m beginning to have some issues breathing, would you mind?”
The grip around him loosened, very grudgingly.
-
"Why are the pups snoring even though they're awake?" Bilbo asked and peered into the basket Kíli was holding; down at the happily squirming pile of fluff balls. The hamsters were all busy eating carrot shavings and seemed very pleased. They were all also making quite loud snoring noises.
"It's not snoring," Kíli huffed. "They're purring. They've just not quite figured it out yet."
“They’ll learn,” Fíli defended. “Give them some time.”
“Fair enough,” Bilbo agreed. “Then my next question would be why they are in a basket.”
“Easier to carry them around like this,” Kíli explained. “We were just moving them from the kitchens down to my chambers.”
“Only Nori has pockets enough for them,” Fíli nodded. “And only Balin, Glóin and Bifur have room enough in their beards.”
“And Fíli doesn’t like them in his hair,” Kíli whispered loudly. “He’s afraid one will get stuck so they’ll have to cut his pretty-“
“Shut your mouth,” Fíli growled.
Kíli shook his head sadly. “It would be the tragedy of our Age.”
“You shutting your mouth?” Fíli snorted. “Hardly.”
“I meant your hair, stupid.”
“Of course I knew that, I was just-“
“Suuure.”
Bilbo sighed and plucked the basket of hamsters from Kíli’s hands. “Settle that amongst yourselves, away from impressionable young ears please. Furry, pointed, or otherwise.”
Both boys turned big soulful eyes at him, but Bilbo would not be moved. “No hamsters while you’re fighting.”
“But Bilbo,” Kíli protested. “We were going to teach them how to hunt.”
“Hunt?”
“Part cat,” Fíli nodded. “They should know how to hunt. But Bill is too lazy to teach them.”
“And what would they be hunting?” Bilbo asked, visions of hamsters trying to prey on the kitchen mice unfolding in his head.
“We thought we’d start with small dust bunnies and work out way up to big dust bunnies.” Kíli nodded, his eyes very big and earnest.
“Come with me and collect Della and the triplets instead,” Bilbo said and handed the basket back to Kíli. “We can stop on the way and leave these to their own parents.”
Both the young Dwarfs’ eyes had lit up at the mention of their cousins.
“Sure,” Fíli agreed. “Oh, and we wanted to ask, do you want us to come with you to the Shire?”
Bilbo thought back to the abuse of his mother’s glory box, the flying plates, the incident with the Trolls… and shook his head. “That’s very kind of you to ask, but I think you should stay here and help Thorin with the children. And with Erebor as well. It will be good practice.”
And much better compared to traumatising my relatives, he added silently. Primula would probably love them, and they would probably be an excellent Lobelia-repellent, but it was probably best that they stayed home. Maybe he should check with Thorin that the guards he would send would-
Oh.
“Oh drat,” Bilbo said.
Fíli and Kíli looked at him with concern.
“I just realised that at least some of the guards Thorin will send will want to try their chance at courting while we’re in the Shire.”
So far there had not been that many Dwarfs leaving Erebor to try, at least to Bilbo’s best knowledge.
It had been autumn, almost winter when Bilbo had first pointed out to Thorin that any interested Dwarf might want to try their luck, but even in the summer it was a rather long way to go, and there were also plenty of things that still needed to be done in Erebor, and few Dwarfs who would try and shirk those duties (except to make stupid statues).
But now it was very likely that a small army of them would be going to the Shire since they would accompany him. Lots of Dwarfs... Lots of trouble.
“So?” Kíli asked.
“I know what happened to my pantry when you stopped by,” Bilbo said and glared up at them. “I don’t have time to play chaperon for our entire stay in the Shire.”
“Pantries need a chaperon in the Shire?” Fíli asked and pulled at one of his moustache braids.
“No, but I repeatedly told you to stop what you were doing and you didn’t,” Bilbo said and crossed his arms. “How can I know the same thing won’t happen with the courting.”
Bilbo considered both Fíli and Kíli to be rather handsome boys, but a slack-jawed expression was not something that favoured either of them.
“Bilbo, no,” Fíli protested. “They would never.”
“Pantry,” Bilbo reminded. “Protests. Not to mention what happened to the plates.”
“They got clean,” Kíli said with a hurt look in his eyes. In the basket one of the pups squeaked. An answering meow came from around the corner, and Bill tripped into sight, Thorn clinging to his back.
The orange cat marched up to Kíli and merped at him, and the young Dwarf sighed and put the basket down before gently tipping it to allow the pups to walk out onto the floor.
Bill merped happily and nodded at Kíli before wandering back the way he’d come, a trail of 13 pups scurrying after him.
“If Gandalf comes while I’m away make sure to ask him about Bill,” Bilbo murmured
Fíli and Kíli didn’t reply and when Bilbo turned to look at the brothers he was met with two injured expressions.
“You really think we’d do something like that?” Fíli asked and bit his bottom lip.
“We wouldn’t,” Kíli added.
“I know you wouldn’t,” Bilbo sighed. “But I hardly know all the guards that your uncle will send along do I?”
“They wouldn’t either,” Kíli said stubbornly.
“No one would do that,” Fíli promised. “That’s-“ He made a face of disgust. “They’d rather shag a tree like the Elves do. Courting is one of the most important things you'll do in your life. It's not to be taken lightly.”
Kíli brightened. “Go talk to Balin, he’ll tell you that you’re wrong. We can get Della and the thrins.”
“Unless you think we’re untrustworthy as babysitters too,” Fíli said, the very image of wounded dignity.
“I don’t,” Bilbo sighed. “Very well. Bofur, Bombur and Bifur are watching them. Do not give them any sweets, I’m sure they’ve had plenty.”
-
“Bilbo,” Balin shook his head and a hamster pup fell down into his lap.
Unless Bilbo was mistaken it was Sapphire, and she looked confused for a moment before scurrying back into the cloud of white hair. “Bilbo. Bilbo.”
“Balin,” Bilbo said and crossed his arms. “Don’t sound like I’ve accused you of secretly fancying Thranduil.”
“No need for such language,” Balin said and looked disapprovingly at the Hobbit. “And I have to say that I am shocked at what you said before that too.”
“Then please explain to me why I should not be worried.” Bilbo leaned back into his chair. “You devoured my price winning tomatoes even though I told you no. Dwalin was polite enough on his own even if he ended up eating my dinner, but as soon as there were more of you things escalated fairly quickly. And I don't think there will only be one guard along to escort me.”
“Supper and courting are not the same thing,” Balin said and sniffed.
“Tell that to my tomatoes,” Bilbo muttered.
A hamster, Opal this time, peaked out from Balin’s beard and peeped enquiringly.
“No,” Bilbo told him. “There are no tomatoes here.” The little thing huffed before withdrawing into the beard once more.
Balin sighed. “I am sorry for the way we acted-“
“Aha!” Bilbo said triumphantly.
“But,” Balin pressed. “The fact remains that there is quite a bit of difference between a pantry and a courtship. Especially when we had been promised a nice supper by Gandalf, and I might mention that we were all under the impression that you were coming with us the next morning, in which case there would have been foolish to leave a pantry full of food to rot. The cheese had already gone bad!”
“The cheese was supposed to be that way,” Bilbo protested. “No, we have no cheese either,” he added when Opal’s little head poked back out. “Why is your beard full of hamsters?” he gritted out from between clenched teeth.
“Their parents left them here,” Balin said and sniffed again.
“Can’t you see why I’m concerned?” Bilbo tried. “I had not invited you, but you came into my home, rearranged my furniture, ate my food, destroyed the plumbing, all this while I was kindly asking you to stop. And even not so kindly after a while.”
Balin had not been involved with the flying plates so Bilbo decided to leave that bit out this time.
“Gandalf-“
“I still told you no,” Bilbo said and glared over the desk at the stubborn Dwarf. “Not very hard to misunderstand is it?”
“Lad…” Balin scratched at his beard and it squeaked. “As I’ve said I’m sorry. We acted boorishly, I won’t make any excuses, only apologise. And I promise you that when Thorin found out what had happened he was very upset with us all.”
“He was?” Bilbo asked and Balin nodded.
“He was the one who made sure that everyone helped clean before we left.”
“You’re not making this up?” Bilbo asked suspiciously.
“I swear by my beard I’m not,” Balin said solemnly. “Compared to Hobbits I know we can appear a bit… impetuous. Reckless even. But I promise you that no one would confused food and furniture, or plumbing, for what goes on during a courtship. Think back of the beginning of your own courtship with Thorin.”
“I’m not even sure- oh.” Bilbo blinked.
“Indeed,” Balin said somewhat smugly. “I think Thorin started courting you almost a good month before you even noticed it.”
“I was busy being on an adventure,” Bilbo defended. “And it didn’t exactly seem like something that was likely to happen anyway, me and a king?”
“The point is that he was very careful. We might be a little reckless when being invited - by a Wizard," Balin added at Bilbo's glare. "To a gathering of friends with lots of delicious food, but there are few things in our lives that we take more care with than our courtships.” Balin gave Bilbo a most serious look. “Thorin only continued to try and court you for so long because you never showed any sign of being displeased with his courtship.”
“So if someone tells them no, you are sure they will respect that?”
Placing his hands on the table Balin got to his feet. “Come on, laddie. I think it’s best that we go and pay a visit to one of the guard barracks. They can tell you themselves.”
-
Bilbo would never understand Dwarves.
Instead of looking at Balin, who now had 13 small, furry heads peeking out from his beard (the pups were curious about what was happening) the two dozen or so guards that stood in front of them all seemed terribly busy looking at him as if he was Mahal returned or something of that magnitude. Bilbo fought against the urge to shuffle his feet and hide behind Balin. Couldn’t there be a healthy balance of no respect and too much respect? And no statues? Was that really too much to ask for?
Perhaps a trip would be just what they needed. Get to know each other a little. Talk about how Erebor was a better place without three-breasted statues and how everyone would get along much better without any sort of worshipping going on.
“Thank you for your time,” Balin said and nodded at the guards. 13 hamsters nodded along with him, and none of the Dwarfs seemed to notice. “As you might have heard, the royal consort-“
“I’m right here and my name is Bilbo,” Bilbo muttered.
“- will shortly be leaving us to visit the Shire. And he will need a suitable escort.”
As one the guards all perked up. A rather pretty dark haired girl at the back began smoothing out her sideburns and Bilbo didn’t know if she thought the guard would be picked based on their sideburns or if she expected Hobbits to start popping up at the mere mention of the Shire.
“The picking of that escort will come later,” Balin continued, and the guards all deflated.
Bilbo was going to have to compliment Dwalin on his training. They were obviously very good at team-work, very harmonised. “But we were wondering if you could help us clear something up.”
The one with the shiniest armour stepped forward and Bilbo supposed that he was a captain or something like that. He would admit to not being entirely well-versed when it came to the organisation of the guards. That was something he gladly left to Thorin and Dwalin as they rather seemed to enjoy it. Dwarfs.
“We would be honoured,” the supposed captain said and bowed his head.
“Excellent,” Balin said and smiled benignly at him. “Now, imagine that you are in the Shire. And you’ve just presented a handsome Hobbit lad or Hobbit lass with a big bouquet of flowers - your people do like flowers?” Balin added to Bilbo. “It’s not just you?”
“It’s not just me,” Bilbo confirmed. Hopefully the bees of the Shire wouldn't mind not having as much flowers as usual to pick from. Dwarfs were very methodical and if their mission was to pick flowers, they would pick flowers like flowers had never been picked before. (Really, there was no need at all to pick them with the roots and everything.)
“Wonderful,” Balin said and now it was Bilbo’s turn to be on the receiving end of a fatherly smile. “So you have given them the flowers. And they thank you kindly for them but inform you that they are not interested in beginning a courtship.”
The pretty dark haired Dwarf sighed sadly and looked down at the ground, as did most of the others.
“What do you do now?” Bilbo questioned. A few of the guards exchanged confused looks with each other, another few looked at Balin for help, and a few looked nervously at Bilbo as if this was test they had forgot to study for. Possibly as if he was about to smite them for it. (Bilbo made a mental note to talk to Nori about what exactly the rumours going around entailed.)
“We wish them a nice day and leave?” one of the Dwarfs offered.
“Offer more flowers as an apology?” another suggested, and Bilbo spared another thought for the poor bees.
“Cry,” one in the back muttered, and a somewhat nervous titter spread through the guards.
“Would you ever try and force your affection on the lad or lass?” Balin asked mildly. The end of the sentence was almost impossible for Bilbo to hear due to the many, many horrified protests, gasps and the clunky metallic sound of one of the guards fainting.
“None of my guards would ever do such a thing,” the captain said, pale faced and almost vibrating with indignation.
Balin turned to Bilbo and raised an eyebrow, and it could just be Bilbo’s imagination but it looked as if the hamsters all rolled their eyes. Very well then.
“Of course you wouldn’t,” Bilbo said soothingly to the guard. “No one here thinks otherwise." He clapped his hands together once. "But while we're on the subject, let’s talk about pantries.”
A snoring sound crept its way out from Balin’s beard.
-
“Why have you been scaring the guards?”
“I’ve not,” Bilbo sniffed and held out his arms to accept their squirming oldest daughter from Thorin.
“Dada!” Della complained. “Bath! Boooo.”
“Yes,” Thorin agreed. “We had to have a bath because food should go in the mouth, not anywhere else.”
Now that Bilbo thought about it Thorin did look a little damp around the edges. It was not a bad look. Not even being soaking wet and stuffed into a barrel had been a bad look for Thorin.
“Booo.” Della hid her face against Bilbo’s neck. “Bath, no.” She turned her head and glared at Thorin. “Boo.”
“Where are Fennin, Clove and Burin?” Bilbo asked and shifted Della around until he got a hand free. “Also-,” he took Thorin’s hand and squeezed it. “Hello, darling.”
Thorin’s lips quirked. “Hello.” He leaned in for a kiss and Bilbo stretched up to meet him.
“Me!” Della chirped the instant their lips touched, her bad mood forgotten. “Kiss!”
“The other children are with Fíli and Kíli,” Thorin explained. “We were just waiting for you before going to collect them.”
“Kiss!” Della demanded and patted Bilbo’s cheek. “Dada! Kiss!”
“Finally seeing the downside with three at once?” Bilbo teased as he pecked Della’s cheek. “Not enough arms.”
“There are four between the two of us,” Thorin pointed out.
“Had a cousin who had four once,” Bilbo mused. “Children I mean, at once. Or not a cousin exactly, but close enough. Never knew anyone to have five in one single go. Perhaps there is a reason for that.”
“Four,” Thorin repeated, his eyes slightly glazed.
“Oh no,” Bilbo protested. “Do not go wishing for four at once.”
Della yawned and cuddled a little closer to Bilbo.
“Yes,” Bilbo nodded and gestured at her. “This is one. This is a lovely number to have at once. Four is not.”
Thorin chuckled. “Does that mean that we should not collect our other children from the boys? That would make four.”
“You know that’s not why I meant,” Bilbo said. “Fine, let’s have four. It will be fun to watch the great Thorin Oakenshield faint again at the sight of babes.”
“I didn’t faint,” Thorin objected.
“Sure,” Bilbo agreed. “You just needed to sit down on the floor for a bit. With your head between your knees.”
“Kiss?” Della murmured and scrunched herself up a little more in Bilbo’s arms. The next sound from her was a soft snore.
“Someone’s had a busy day I take it,” Bilbo smiled and kissed the top of his daughters head.
“The thrins were sleeping as well when I went to collect her,” Thorin said and wrapped an arm around Bilbo’s shoulders. “Hello, dear one.”
“I thought we did this already?” Bilbo smiled but returned Thorin’s kiss willingly enough. The second one too.
“We had an audience,” Thorin murmured and stole another kiss. “Who is now sleeping. And I’ve not seen you all day, only been told that you’ve been scaring my guards.”
“I didn’t scare any guards,” Bilbo huffed. “I just made sure that they know the basic things anyone who goes to the Shire needs to know. Just in case they ever end up going.”
“Dwalin is in charge of picking your guard,” Thorin sighed. “Have a word with him.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Bilbo say. “But I thought you’d want to do that?” That or just send all the guards along, no selection needed.
“Since he’s coming with you he-“
“He’s coming with me?”
Thorin gave Bilbo a somewhat unimpressed look. “Of course. So he might as well pick the guards he will be in charge of.”
“You know I’m very fond of Dwalin, but wouldn’t Balin be the better choice?” Dwalin's approach to diplomacy involved a little too much glaring to be entirely effective. Thorin rather suffered from the same thing.
“I need Balin here. I’m not intending to let our children be without both parents for months, so Dís and Balin will take over some of the daily tasks.”
Guilt wriggled like grubby worms in Bilbo’s belly. “I wish I didn’t have to leave. Or that we could all go. I do want the children to know the Shire as they do Erebor.”
“I know.” Thorin’s arm tightened slightly around Bilbo’s shoulder. “Another time. When they are older. And then we’ll stay for a few years instead of rushing back to Erebor.”
“That would be lovely,” Bilbo sighed. "I could show you all my favourite places. And there could be picnics and naps in the green."
“I know you miss your home,” Thorin said quietly. “And-“
“Hold up,” Bilbo interrupted, not liking the note of self-reproach in Thorin's voice. “My home is right here. With you, and the children. And Bill and Thorn and their pups and even with the crazy people with the statues. This is where I belong. Yes, part of me is happy that I’ll see the Shire again. But a much bigger part is miserable that I’ll be leaving you to do it.”
“But you miss it,” Thorin repeated. “There was a time when you thought only of going back there.”
“Darling, there was a time when I thought you only slightly more pleasant company than a melon.” Bilbo shook his head. “But that certainly changed when you stopped being so rude, and my ideas of where I belong certainly changed as well. Otherwise I would not have married you.”
“A melon?”
“That’s what you’re choosing to focus on?”
“Are melons typically rude in the Shire?”
“No, but they’re very thick.” Bilbo ducked out from beneath Thorin’s arm and carried Della into the bedroom. Bill and Thorn were curled up together on the bed, and Bill made an inquiring meow as Bilbo put Della down in her bed.
“Would you please watch her for a little while?” Bilbo asked. “We’re just going to get the other children.”
Bill merped and Thorn snuffled softly and Bilbo could have sworn the hamster actually nodded.
“Bilbo…”
“If you think that it’s some sort of chore for me to be here-” Bilbo gently stroked his hand over Della’s curls. “I’ll thank you to get that notion out of your head.”
“I meant no offence,” Thorin said quietly. “But I know what it is like to miss a home. I would not wish that for you.”
“There’s quite a difference between having your home taken away from you and choosing to leave it for another,” Bilbo sighed. He turned around and looked at his husband. His lovely, regal husband who at the moment looked as if he’d been caught scrumping apples from the neighbour’s tree.
“If I lost you or our children I would do anything to get you back. But I don’t really care that Lobelia is taking all my spoons. It’s just that she might have asked first.”
“I worry.” Thorin glanced away. “That you will decide that you miss the Shire too much, and stay there.”
“You don’t have to worry,” Bilbo walked over to where Thorin was standing in the doorway and took his hands twining their fingers together. “The Shire is not home without you and the children there with me. No place on Arda is home without you.”
“I-“ Thorin licked his lips in a rare moment of hesitation. “I just worry.”
“I’m shocked,” Bilbo murmured and rose up on his toes to press a small kiss to the corner of Thorin’s mouth. “Really. Stunned. Speechless. I never knew this about you. Worry you say?”
“Someone has to worry about you,” Thorin rumbled and squeezed Bilbo’s hands before letting go. “You do a poor job of doing it yourself.”
“Is that what your instructions to Dwalin is going to be like?” Bilbo raised an eyebrow. “To worry about me?”
“Don’t need to.” Thorin shrugged. “He already does.”
“Well none of you need to.” Bilbo took Thorin’s hand again and ignored the disbelieving snort his husband made. “Come now, let’s go collect the missing three pieces of home before they wake up again.”