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“Never be cruel, never be cowardly. Remember hate is always foolish, love is always wise. Always try to be nice, never fail to be kind.”
Those words had echoed in the Doctor’s mind ever since she regenerated. They resonated within her, shaping her mind and soul in this very incarnation. The Doctor who was so full of life and never wanted to let anyone down, especially her friends. She could never disappoint them. It would break her heart to. Positive intentions and energy radiated off of her wherever she went, bringing hope, joy and wonder with every encounter. The Doctor would think of those words whenever it felt like there wasn’t much hope left. They encouraged her to keep going, reminding her why she was here, reminding her how far she had come.
Time Lords aren’t supposed to live this long…
So why now were these new words whispering in her mind?
I know I said one more life but this is too much. How long are we going to keep going on like this?
The whispers of her previous self haunted her mind. Haunting words that had been slowly coming out to play for the past week. Subtle at first and almost unnoticeable but now those words were heavy with clear darkness. He was always such a grumpy man, the Doctor thought.
At this rate, this one more life is going to turn into another fourteen. We can’t keep doing this. You’re not immortal. Why are you delaying the inevitable?
“You know why.”
Yaz, Ryan and Graham stopped and turned around to face the Doctor, confused.
Yaz frowned. “Doctor, what did you say?”
“Hm? Oh, nothing. Don’t worry.” Yaz frowned some more. The Doctor didn’t mean to let that slip out. She’d been so good at containing it all week but he was starting to get on her nerves. Not to mention that everything he said was starting to latch onto her thoughts and feelings.
The Doctor was finding it more difficult to keep calm. You need to stop trying to influence me. I’m not you anymore. I have friends now, ones I’m going to ensure get looked after. What happened to Bill is not going to happen to them.
You say that everytime. ‘Not this time’. Yet something always happens to them. I’ve seen the way you feel about Yaz…
Stop it!!
How long is it going to be before she gets hurt? Or worse-
“STOP” The Doctor squeezed her eyes shut and threw her hands over her ears.
“Doctor.” It wasn’t a question this time, it was a statement. The Doctor opened her eyes and saw Yaz standing in front of her looking very concerned, if not a little scared. Yaz reached up and gently bought the Doctor’s hands down.
“I’m fine, Yaz. Honestly.” The Doctor was on the verge of breaking down at this point and she didn’t want to be questioned about it.
Yaz sighed. “I know when someone’s not okay. Talking to yourself and trying to block the world out is not doing okay. What’s wrong?”
The Time Lord saw Ryan and Graham’s looks of concern in the background behind Yaz and she couldn’t bare to upset any of them. She didn’t want to be a failure.
“I said, I’m fine. No need to worry” The Doctor composed herself and marched ahead in front of them, leaving them baffled.
Over the next few days, the old man’s voice got stronger and more assertive. The Doctor was finding it difficult to concentrate on any given task without getting frustrated and shouting into thin air. Her friends asked her multiple times why she was shouting but she would continue to deny anything was wrong. Only to walk off when she was asked anything about it.
It had been nearly twenty four hours since they had last asked her but in all fairness, none of them had seen her since that incident. The TARDIS had been stationary of sorts, floating in space whilst everyone enjoyed their own time doing whatever it was they did when they weren’t running away from aliens or saving lives of others. The ship was far too silent considering the owner was always babbling on about something or tinkering with the ship itself and the gang grew rapidly concerned. It wasn’t like her to be so quiet.
The boys decided that Yaz would be the one to investigate. They were dating after all. Her own girlfriend would probably respond better than the two boys who frankly were quite scared at the thought of a silent Doctor. After the Doctor brutally killed that monster without even thinking, they couldn’t deny their fear for the Time Lord had grown.
Yaz didn’t want to look for her right away. She wanted to give her space. But a few hours went by and her curiosity grew the better of her. She edged her way around the TARDIS, finding any sign of her girlfriend being around. She looked in multiple rooms but couldn’t find her until she realised just where she would be. Where she would always be if anything was getting the Doctor down. The library.
The Doctor loved the library just as much as she loved the stars. She’d sit in here for hours, days even and just ponder over the various and beautiful languages these books were printed in. A lot of them were in Gallifreyan. Something that Yaz failed to understand, no matter how much the Doctor had tried to teach her.
What Yaz saw when she entered the library broke her heart. The Doctor was sat on her favourite chair with her knees up tight to her chest. Her eyes were red and puffy with tear stains lining her cheeks. “Honey?” Her voice was soft and full of concern.
The Doctor slowly looked up. “Hi, Yaz” Her voice was flat before she buried her head in her knees.
Yaz walked over and crouched down in front of her, gently stroking her hair. “Can you tell me what’s wrong? We’re all very concerned about you”
“He won’t stop” She muttered very quickly.
“Who? Have Ryan or Graham done something to upset you?” Yaz couldn’t remember them doing anything and they certainly didn’t mention it if they did.
“No, they haven’t done anything wrong. It’s him. Inside my head.” She still had her head down but Yaz could hear gentle sobs forming in her voice.
She was very confused. “Okay, can you explain who ‘him’ is please?”
“Him. Me. The person I used to be.” She looked up now and looked up at Yaz’s big brown eyes. “He keeps telling me stuff. I’m a bad person, Yaz. I shouldn’t have lived this long-”
“Doctor, we’ve been through this before. You’re not a bad person.” Yaz hated to see her girlfriend so upset. She thought about it for a moment before making a suggestion. “Um… Are you perhaps going through a phase of depression by any chance?” The Doctor looked dumbfounded. Yaz carried on. “Hearing voices in your head. Shutting yourself away. Getting upset a lot… That sounds like you might be experiencing mental health problems. I assume your kind can experience them? It’s okay though. We can help you through it. We all love you so much.”
Fresh tears fell down the Doctor’s face. “Oh, Yaz… Lovely, Yaz. Thank you but he’s really there. Inside my head. My past self is haunting me and I can’t fight him”
Suddenly, the random outbursts of shouting made complete sense to Yaz. She was shouting at the voice in her head. She had tried to fight him. “I do believe that the voice in your head is real. I understand. Remember when I mentioned Izzy Flint? I suffered from depression because of her and the voice inside my head convinced me I was worthless and unliked by everyone but I fought that voice. It’s difficult but it can be done. Your past self is not you. You’ve grown and are loved by many. You don’t need to listen to him anymore.”
She’s just saying that. I’ll always be here. Don’t forget that. You can’t hide from who you really are.
“I don’t think it’s as easy as that.”
Yaz pulled her into a hug. “Not at first it won’t be. But I’m here to help you out. We’re all here for you. I know the boys will be more than happy to help. It’ll get easier, I promise”