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"Mike, I…can I?" I stutter gracelessly as I carefully open the door to his room.
Ben, come in he smiles as he stretches, the planes of his body all catlike grace and elegance.
In the moments before I pushed into the room, I know he had been deep in a trance. But every gesture, every movement was now filled with a gentle readiness. An enthusiasm almost, for anything from household repairs to making love. Oh, I really shouldn't think about that right now.
Why shouldn't you think that, Ben? I hear as he pushes softly into my mind.
"Oh, you know I don't…can't" I'm still stammering. No matter how lightly he treads, I'm always startled by that push into my head.
Come here He reclines into the softness of the padded floor, reaching one hand out for me. Come and join me. Tell me what you need.
I sink slowly to the ground, and shift until I'm sitting cross-legged beside him. I stare at my hands in my lap, unable to speak, or even think the question that I want to ask. The question that's been on my mind for days.
You don't really have to ask, you know. Please, come here, next to me. There is nothing so momentous that we can't find the answer. Come, drink deep brother.
And as much as I want to sit and have a conversation about this. As many things as I'd been thinking of to say, I couldn't resist. I can't ever resist Mike. Stretching out, laying alongside his warmth, I begin to let go of my questions, my fears, and my unhappiness.
He gathers me in his arms and lies back again, sighing. I shiver and burrow my body more deeply into the heat radiating from his body.
You want to know why it wasn't me? Why didn't I welcome you myself when you came to us?
"I…I guess that's it, Mike. No, it's more than that. I know, I've talked in generalities to some of the others. I know what their acceptance into the group was like. And I was wondering, why…I mean why was it so different with me" Why was I so easy to pass off?
So, now we get to your real feelings, the real meaning behind your question. You want to know why I didn't offer myself to you. You weren't ready to have me be your entry into this group. The soft, petting strokes of his fingertips along my back are soothing in a way I've never felt before.
Mike…I think, no I know that I love you. I love Jill. I love…no, it's more it's what you've, I. Even in my thoughts I can't get it straight I want to tell you something and I don't have the words. I bury my face in his chest, unable to even watch as I try to say the words I can't find.
Shhh…don't fret, Ben. The words will come when they are ready. You don't need to tell me, I know. I will take care of you.
He lifts my head, and presses his lips to mine. A whispered benediction catches my ears, and retreats quickly. Soft sounds of love and devotion fall from his mouth. The words are foreign to my ears, but the meaning is plain.
I open my mouth to devour his words, taking in that love and swallowing it whole.
We make love. We fuck. I wrap myself up in Mike. I lose myself in him. Time means nothing, but for the time I can spend here with him.
I feel the last pulse of pleasure leaving my body, wracking my frame. I open my eyes. And I'm alone again. Mike is gone. I'll never feel his body pressed against mine. I'll never have him hold me.
I'm always here for you Ben. I'll never really leave. I'm here with you, forever.
Phantom memories of touches I've never received. These are all I have left of the man I've come to realize is the reason, the reality, the love of my life.