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336 hours. That was the imprecise estimate of exactly how much time had passed since he’d first snogged Rose. It had been about 240 hours since their first of sixteen very satisfying shags. And it seemed, by the enthusiastic way she was wriggling against him as she straddled him on the captain’s chair, number seventeen was soon to be on the books. (Not that he was counting, or anything. Since most of his attention was focused decidedly southward, his time sense had flown out the window along with his ability to perform simple maths.)
So, when the mauve alert sounded, the Doctor and Rose were completely taken by surprise. Surprise changed to shock when a voice more strident than the alarm screeched, “Where the bloomin’ ‘ell did my kitchen go?!”
Rose’s eyes, (which, just a few seconds ago, had been squeezed shut in near-ecstasy) widened in terror as she froze like a deer caught in headlights. (Or like a daughter caught snogging.)
Looking over Rose’s shoulder, the Doctor saw Jackie Tyler, resplendent in a lavender velour tracksuit, glaring daggers at him. She gripped a cast iron frying pan. “Did your bleedin’ phone box crush my kitchen?! One minute I’m about to fry up sausages and the next this thing… appears around me and oh my God, Rose Marion, are you straddlin’ that bloody alien wanker?!”
Rose hopped up from his lap, holding out her arms protectively, as Jackie stormed around the console. The Doctor managed to stand on shaky legs, very grateful that Rose had placed herself directly in front of him until he could get his rather ( erm...enthusiastic) physiological effect of her wriggling under control. He also thanked Rassilon that the TARDIS hadn’t materialized around a Jackie holding a butcher knife.
Not that the skillet wasn’t threatening. “Now… Jackie… put that weapon down.” He hoped his voice sounded calm and soothing.
Jackie grinned in a rather sharklike way, glancing down at the cast iron object. “Wasn’t plannin’ to use it as weapon but now that you mention it…” She raised it, looking somewhat like Rapunzel in a horror movie version of Tangled .
Hands on her hips, shoulders squared, Rose spoke up. “Enough, Mum! You’re not hittin’ anyone with that. ‘S nothin’ wrong with what we’re doin’!”
“How dare you go at it in my home like a pair o’ horny teenagers!” Jackie interjected.
“You’re in our home!” Rose bellowed.
The Doctor couldn’t help smiling, even if he couldn’t quite understand how their home had ended up in her home. Our home. I quite like the sound of that. “She’s got you there, Jackie.”
Her eyes flashing with rage, Jackie spat, “I knew the pair of you were shaggin’ the whole time. Even when he had the leather and the ears. You were lyin’ to that copper an ‘ve been lyin’ to me this whole time!”
That was enough to throw cold water on whatever remaining arousal he was experiencing. He stepped around Rose, who was gaping, too angry to speak. “I’ll have you know it’s only been a couple of weeks since I first really kissed her. Two blissful weeks since I finally got my head out of my arse and let myself stop wasting time, and start showing your beautiful, brave, amazing daughter just how bloody over the moon I am for her!” Rose whirled around to face him, joy lighting up her eyes.
She smiled that smile and murmured, “I’ve always known.”
Jackie and her skillet faded into unimportance as Rose looped her arms around his neck and tugged him towards her. Looking into her gorgeous eyes he finally found the courage to speak what she’d already known was in his heart. “But it still needs saying. I’m sorry it took your mum and and the threat of concussion by skillet to tell you. I love you, Rose Tyler,” he whispered.
“Love you, too, my Doctor,” she answered just before she pulled him into an intense snog. For a few blissful seconds, there was nothing in his universe but Rose and her lips, and the celebration of finally setting those words of adoration free.
It wasn’t another mauve alert which jolted them out the moment, rather it was Jackie clearing her throat. She still held the skillet, but it wasn’t in attack position. She seemed rather confused by the whole situation. And were those tears welling up in her eyes? “Oh, you two…” she sighed shakily as Rose looked back at her.
Rose’s eyes were wet as well. Suddenly she was out of his arms and embracing her mother. The Doctor found himself being pulled into the embrace as well. He was wary, since the cast iron menace was still a very clear and present danger. His Impressive Time Lord Brain was still processing the sudden change of fortune, so he did what always seemed best in times of confusion. He turned to Rose, murmuring, “What just happened?” Rose’s body began to shake with laughter. The three of them stepped out of the embrace, the Doctor clutching Rose’s hand.
“I like pink,” Jackie said, further baffling the Time Lord.
“Pardon?” he asked.
“I’d like a pink kitchen to replace the one this thing crushed,” she told him, wiping her eyes. “Or at the very least a pink toaster to replace the one ya rewired for efficiency last time ya visited.”
Science . Okay, something I can actually explain . “There’s no way the TARDIS… which is not a thing, by the way... crushed your kitchen, Jackie. That’s not how the concept of spatial dimensions work within a…ouch!” Rose elbowed him in the ribs, bringing his lecture to a halt. “At any rate… you should be able to step out of those doors into an intact kitchen. For the most part, anyway.”
Rose interrupted his ramble. “Nobody seems to be askin’ the important question. How exactly did our home get inside Mum’s flat? We were in the bloomin’ vortex just a few minutes ago!” The TARDIS hum morphed into a bubbling sound accompanied by flashing lights.
Suddenly deluged with telepathic images of amusement from his time ship, the Doctor addressed the central column. “Oh, have a laugh!” Rose began to chuckle along with the TARDIS. Jackie arched her eyebrow in confusion.
“Think she pranked him. Well, us, really,” Rose laughed.
“It can do that?” Jackie asked, staring up at the vast ceiling.
“ She most certainly can,” the Doctor assured her with a scowl. “She’s tired of me not telling Rose how I feel.” He paused and mumbled, “And she’s also lodging a complaint about my maintenance.”
“Toldja she didn’t like that mallet,” Rose reminded him. The Doctor rolled his eyes.
“I still don’t understand how she can beam me up outta my kitchen!”
“She’s not the Starship Enterprise, she didn’t beam you up,” the Doctor grumbled. “She materialized around you, but your kitchen is fine.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it. I’d quite fancy one of those big stand mixers. In pink, whilst we’re remodelin’ my kitchen,” Jackie went on, a hint of mischief in her eyes.
“That’s not how any of this works,” he stated flatly.
“M’ just takin’ the mick,” she said with a laugh. Then her expression softened as she regarded her daughter and the Doctor. With a glance at their joined hands, she continued. “I suppose I didn’t wanna admit it… but you’re proper gone for each other.”
The Doctor basked in the supernova of Rose’s smile, swinging their joined hands as he nodded in agreement.
“That we are, Mum,” Rose beamed.
“But the mad life the pair of you live…” Jackie shook her head. “Scares me to death.”
“I wouldn’t trade it for anythin’, Mum.”
Jackie nodded, eyes downcast. “I know you wouldn’t. Just… when you get into that trouble you say is the just the bits in between , please be safe. I couldn’t bear if somethin’ happened to you, Rose...” She paused, regarding the Doctor. His respiratory bypass kicked in, waiting for whatever judgement Jackie was about to pass. She nodded towards him. “...or your alien prat,” she finished. The Doctor released his breath, smiling tentatively.
“We always take care of each other, Mum,” Rose assured her.
“And take a break from snoggin’ to visit once in a while,” Jackie sighed. Rose let go of the Doctor’s hand and embraced her. Jackie kissed her daughter on the forehead and then glared at the Doctor. His eyes widened. Obviously he’d let himself get a bit too comfortable and now the trap was set. Then she grinned. “You plonker. Just remember this too: I am not lookin’ to be a nana anytime soon, so watch it!” Both of the Doctor’s eyebrows shot up.
“Mum!”
“Now, how about joinin’ me for breakfast? Gotta move this first, preferably to the courtyard.” With that, she turned on her heel and strode toward the door. “Lemme out first!”
The Doctor glanced at Rose, and with one look, he knew that their previous activities would have to be postponed until after breakfast. “Suppose we could.” As Jackie opened the door, he mentally planned a trip to Barcelona, the planet, immediately after breakfast.
Jackie called over her shoulder, “I knew this was a snog box all along.”
“It is not a snog box !” the Doctor shouted as he took his place at the controls.
“She is… little bit,” Rose laughed. The TARDIS answered with a bubbling mechanical giggle.
“No,” the Doctor argued back. Before they could discuss it further, Jackie poked her head in again, eyes flashing with renewed fury.
“My kitchen table’s been reduced to matchsticks, ya plonker!” she bellowed.