Chapter Text
There was a commotion going on in the center of the camp, and it was because Tigerstar had come to Bramblestar with a problem.
Because of course it involved Tigerstar. Even after the drama with the storm and SkyClan almost leaving the lake for good, ShadowClan was still finding ways to cause trouble. Fruitlessly, Alderheart tried to focus on the herbs he was going through in his paws, pointedly not looking over at whatever in StarClan's name was going on over there. Bramblestar and Leafpool are dealing with it. You do not care. Even if Puddleshine is among them, you do not care. It is not your problem. It is not--
But then a dark shape pushed through the bracken into the medicine den, and Alderheart's lungs briefly forgot how to lung.
"H-hello, Puddleshine," he strained to say, after far too long of a silence had passed between them. "How's the prey running in ShadowClan?"
"Excellent," Puddleshine purred, dipping his head in greeting, "but I gotta say, I wish I wasn't here. No offense, Alderheart, it's not because I don't like you. But they brought me along in case they wanted a medicine cat's opinion, and spoiler alert, they do not care about this particular medicine cat's opinion. This whole charade could go on till sunset." He wrinkled his nose playfully at Alderheart. "Hey, want to get out of here?"
Get out of here. As if they were long-time friends, off to do some mischief like they always did. Alderheart tried and failed to steady his breathing.
"Sure," he managed to make out. "How about we head to the lake?"
"Perfect," Puddleshine said brightly. His tail brushed against Alderheart's as he turned to leave, and Alderheart was pretty sure he might actually melt.
The weather was nice. They were finally on the cusp of new-leaf, and the changing season brought a fresh spring breeze with it and the promise of prey. It was warm enough to be comfortable, but cool enough so that even through his thick, fluffy pelt, Alderheart didn't feel uncomfortably hot.
Puddleshine seemed to be enjoying the weather as much as Alderheart was. The ShadowClan medicine cat paused for a moment when they were well outside of camp, closing his eyes and taking a few deep breaths, the etches of a smile on his face as he took in the scents of new-leaf.
Not that Alderheart was paying any sort of special attention to Puddleshine, he thought, blushing and looking down at his paws. What kind of cat would he be if he cared that much about seeing another Clan's medicine cat happy when he had his own Clan to worry about?
Still, he did look up. And maybe perhaps stare just a bit, when Puddleshine was too busy admiring a pretty butterfly that had landed on a red flower to notice. To Alderheart's surprise, he found himself purring.
"What?" Puddleshine said defensively, broken away from his trance. "It's a nice butterfly."
"Oh, you're adorable," Alderheart said, because his heart was just too full to not say anything.
He regretted the words almost the moment they let this mouth, but it was too late to take them back. Hot embarrassment flooded over his face, and he lowered his head in shame, not wanting to meet Puddleshine's eyes.
But the ShadowClan medicine cat didn't seem to notice. Puddleshine just plucked the flower, a lovely red carnation, and placed it atop Alderheart's head, just right in the nook of his ear. Puddleshine leaned back and purred, admiring his handiwork.
"There. Now you're adorable, too," he said proudly.
Alderheart tried to tell himself to act normal, this was no big deal, it was just an outing with a casual friend. His fellow medicine cat, nothing more. But there was something a little exhilarating about being here, alone with Puddleshine, that made it impossible for him to act in any sense of the word normal. He was impulsive, a little dangerously so. He flicked Puddleshine playfully on the shoulder with his tail, and before he could stop himself, spoke up.
"Oh, so I wasn't already?"
He didn't even have time to stop in embarrassment at that one, because Puddleshine was purring loudly. "Oh, of course you are. Why would you need anyone to affirm how pretty you are when you could just look at your reflection any time, Alderheart?"
He thinks I'm pretty! He actually said that! Alderheart's heart seemed to be doing these sort of rebellious frog leaps in his chest, which he was not particularly on board with. He was pretty sure he was not supposed to feeling that, especially considering he was a cat who was definitely, 100% not in love with Puddleshine, in any way, shape, or form.
Puddleshine leaned closer in, and Alderheart's breath caught in his throat. "You're so quiet," Puddleshine observed, scrunching his nose up in that same way that was rather annoyingly adorable, if you asked Alderheart.
"Maybe I don't have anything to say," Alderheaart tried.
"Oh come on, I know that's not true," Puddleshine said. "What's happened? What's been going on since I last saw you? It feels like it's been forever, Alderheart. I miss getting to spend so much time with you."
"Usually when Clan medicine cats spend a lot of time together, it's because of some disaster or other. Like the last time. When you were, uh, sick. And. Almost dying."
"Okay, okay," Puddleshine said with a purr, "I admit that those were probably not the best of circumstances to be hanging out. That was kiiiind of a disaster."
"You think?" Alderheart laughed. "You really scared me then, Puddleshine. I thought... I thought you might die." He swallowed hard, and realized that Puddleshine was paying so close attention to him now, he couldn't drop the topic. Oh. Fox-dung. "And in my mind... that was the biggest deal to me. Not that I might fail my duty, or that ShadowClan might be left without a medicine cat, but that-- uh..."
"But what?" Puddleshine leaned closer, so, so close, his light blue eyes so serious and gripping Alderheart felt that there was nothing else he could possible be paying attention to even if he tried.
Alderheart felt his heart thrum in his chest. "That... that I might be left without you," he said, as plainly as he could manage.
"Oh, Alderheart," Puddleshine said sadly, his voice barely a breath. "I'm so sorry."
They sat there for a moment, the silence between them strained, Alderheart finding himself unable to pull away. He could feel his heart thud against his chest like a panicked bird trying to escape.
"So!" Alderheart said suddenly, standing up and breaking the silence. "We'd better get back. The meeting must be almost over by now, and you'll want to be there for the end in case Tigerstar, er, needs you, you know."
"Oh," Puddleshine said, and Alderheart thought he could sense disappointment in his voice. "I guess you're right. Let's head back."
Alderheart so desperately wanted to take that look of despondency off of Puddleshine's face. It reminded him of when Puddleshine was still a kit, and his outer shell often cracked to show through just how frightened and uncertain he was about being a medicine cat. But now he was confident, Alderheart tried to tell himself. He was fine. Alderheart didn't have to worry about him.
Puddleshine was fine without him.
It wasn’t till he was all the way back at camp and getting back into his medicine cat duties did Alderheart realize he was still wearing the carnation.
And then Leafpool died, and Alderheart's world fell apart.
He felt like he lost a part of himself in the rockslide that killed the senior medicine cat, like the world could not possibly go on turning without her. She was one of the medicine cats, one of Alderheart's mentors, his mother's dear sister... And to think, he might have lost Squirreflight as well, had she not come back from StarClan.
Alderheart didn't want to talk to anyone. Not his father, Bramblestar wouldn't listen, Bramblestar never listened, and not Sparkpelt or Squirrelflight, who were bound to be obnoxiously optimistic even after something terrible like this. Certainly not Jayfeather, who was taking the loss of his mother even worse than Alderheart was taking the loss of his aunt.
Really, he just needed to get away from ThunderClan. He was tired of the familiar sights and sounds and scents of the camp, all feelings that reminded him of when Leafpool was still there. He nodded to Eaglewing, the cat on guard duty, and mumbled something about going to the Moonpool. There, no one would question that. He needed to get out of camp, and at a time like this, going to the Moonpool was far too personal for anyone to pressure him any further about exactly why.
But Alderheart was not going to the Moonpool. He wasn't exactly sure where he was going, to be completely frank, just away. Letting his paws lead the way.
Okay. That was a lie.
He knew before he set out that his paws were undoubtedly going to lead him to Puddleshine.
The ShadowClan medicine cat was gathering herbs near the lakeshore. Thank StarClan for that, because Alderheart was really not interested in stirring up any trouble by visiting him. Even if medicine cats were technically given free reign of the territory and he was staying within two tail-lengths of the lakeshore, he was already on SkyClan land, and he really didn't want to go any further for something as stupid as this.
Puddleshine froze when he saw Alderheart approaching, his expression going serious. "Alderheart?" he called out, setting down the herbs he had been gathering and striding up to meet him at the border. "What's wrong?"
Alderheart didn't speak. Wasn't sure the words would come if he did. He hesitated a moment, decided he didn't care, and stumbled out towards the other medicine cat, nuzzling the side of his head against Puddleshine's neck. Something like a half-hug. He tried to swallow the sob that was rising up inside of him, tried to act like nothing was wrong, but it just came out even more strangled.
"Alderheart, no, shh, shhh, everything's okay, what happened?" Puddleshine whispered in his ear.
Alderheart tried to compose himself enough to speak coherently, failed, and then managed to choke out "Leafpool's dead" in a tone so miserable even he felt like he was overdoing it.
"Alderheart?" Puddleshine exclaimed, pulling back to look him in the eyes. Alderheart squawked slightly, straining forward and wanting the touch back, but Puddleshine was serious. "Is ThunderClan okay? Are you okay? I'm sorry, that's a stupid question-- but-- I want to help-- but wh-- why would you come to me?"
Alderheart opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Puddleshine was meeting his gaze directly, and Alderheart's breath caught in his throat as he looked into the tom's light blue eyes, like waves and waves of new-leaf sky, a light that made the rest of the world seem to melt away. Puddleshine's gaze said I'm sorry and I want to make you feel better and I feel so honored and confused that you wanted to see me of all cats about this. Alderheart forced himself to break the eye contact and felt another sob coming on as he stared down at his paws. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right, I should leave, I have no right to be here--"
"Alderheart, no, wait!" Puddleshine said, reaching forward, a paw extended to pull him back towards him. "That's not-- that came out wrong--"
But Alderheart was already gone, turning around, running as fast as he could along the lakeshore, decidedly not looking back at Puddleshine.
The ThunderClan border came within sight, and Alderheart felt himself slow, felt the wave of panic start to finally recede. Why did I come to him? Alderheart blinked, gaze blurry with tears. Before anyone else? Before Bramblestar, before Squirrelflight, before Jayfeather or Sparkpelt or Twigbranch?
He was pretty sure he knew the answer, but he wasn't very happy about it.
Alderheart remember the time, just a few short moons ago, when he thought he might lose Puddleshine to the terrible sickness. He remembered his whole world cracking and falling apart, because really, what was his world without Puddleshine? And he knew now, as another sob rose in his throat, that he would have to go through that ordeal again, but on purpose this time. He would have to cut Puddleshine completely out of his life. To fall for another medicine cat, to fall from a medicine cat from another Clan, right at the time where Jayfeather needed him the most... It was unacceptable.
So he'd have to cut Puddleshine out, that was it. Stop talking to him. Stop seeing him at all. Stop feeling stupid things about him. It wouldn't be as bad this time, he told himself desperately. It would be nothing like watching Puddleshine die, because Puddleshine never actually cared about Alderheart, right? Puddleshine wouldn't mind if he starting avoiding him. It'd probably be a relief to him. Alderheart would never have to see the pain that had crossed Puddleshine's face during the sickness, the trust layered underneath that Alderheart could find a solution that just wasn't there.
As long as Puddleshine was happy and safe, it wouldn't matter, Alderheart told himself, swallowing hard. As long as he didn't hurt him.
Everything would be alright.
Everything had to.
Alderheart tried to focus on the herbs he was sorting, the feeling of the crinkled leaves beneath his paws as he checked whether or not each one was fresh. He concentrated on the variety of scents they held, some sweet, some nearly stale, some so fresh the smell of them was almost cloying. He was getting the hang of this, he could tell. He could live his life and do his duties without even thinking of his stupid crush on the ShadowClan medicine cat at a--
Alderheart pulled aside a piece of dried watermint to reveal an old, crinkled carnation tucked aside in a niche in the wall of the den.
And great stars above, of course he left the StarClan-forsaken carnation there.
Past Alderheart was a hopeless romantic.
He removed the flower delicately with his teeth and placed it on the den floor. It was dying now, starting to wrinkle and go brown in places because it had been without water, but it still had that hopeless beauty. It was seemingly flush with color even in its death. With a quivering frame, Alderheart slowly lowered his head to the ground, scooping up the flower against his ear in the same place Puddleshine had put it there only a few short days ago.
He caught his reflection in a puddle, and he was swept up in the memory.
Maybe, he conceded, present Alderheart was also a hopeless romantic.