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Jungkook’s not entirely sure what kind of relationship he has with Yoongi. Well, he does know, but he can’t find a label to put on it. It’s like being a kid and going to an amusement park for the first time and having to choose which ride to go on. Everything is shiny and inexplicably fascinating and you shut want to ride all of them.
Jungkook knows he and Yoongi aren’t dating. He’d like that. He finds himself imagining all the heart-clenching little shifts in their relationship that would come along with the word boyfriend. But also all the things that wouldn’t change. All the aspects of their special friendship that wouldn’t budge but just fall under different names. It wouldn’t be waking up next to his best friend with his back pressed against his chest; he would wake up with an arm around his boyfriend and kiss his nape, delicate and soft how he knows Yoongi likes it. It would stop being getting painfully flustered when Yoongi comes to hug him from the back while he’s cooking to tell him it smells so good, you’re doing well kook ; he thinks Yoongi would hug him and rest his head against his back just that tiny bit longer, just to tell him you’re doing so good my baby.
These thoughts always send shivers down his spine, a little game of electricity between his bones.Sometimes, not too often or he’ll forget how to breathe, he likes to imagine that Yoongi wonders about the same dream colored things. Because he treats Jungkook like he’s home, even if Jungkook does have his own place to stay at, so he sort of puts Jungkook under all the things he labels as home; the memory of Daegu, the photos of his dog Holly that he keeps hanged in the living room, his first and only mixtape he had released before realizing that he’d rather be an architect than hold a mic in his hands, Jungkook. Because he greets Jungkook with a fond smile that reads of so much it’s affection that there’s no space for it, it doesn’t fit in Jungkook’s chest and it doesn’t fit in between the four walls of this apartment; Yoongi must be an alien species with a secret black hole under his sleeve where he can keep all these dripping feelings.
So Jungkook knows that Yoongi loves him, he feels all this sunset warm love on his skin and under, seeping to his bones and settling there for a couple of eternities. Maybe, only maybe, if he tells Yoongi i want to call you baby and kiss your shoulder blades things will be okay. Even if Yoongi ends up looking at him with a sorry expression and a different love displayed on his open palms, rejection with Yoongi wouldn’t hurt. He’d keep loving him like he always has, he’d keep taking care of him and letting Jungkook take care of him like nothing has changed.
That’s why he decides that, fuck it, he’ll do it. He’ll go Yoongi and tell him hyung, I love you but I also love you in so many different ways too. Whatever happens, Jungkook knows that Yoongi will still be there. Except that Jungkook is a little sappy romantic shit, so he can’t do this like someone else and just – say it. He needs to do something cute and sweet that will make Yoongi blush all the way till his bones. Blush until he looks like cherry out of season, all pretty and shy. Maybe he’ll even hide behind his hands like he does when he’s flustered the most.
Today he goes to Yoongi’s place later than usual. There are a couple of unread messages on his phone, he doesn’t even need to open them that his best friend is talking with his deeply worried but masked as nonchalant tone. It makes something bloom in his chest, like a flower. Or a whole fucking garden.
When he opens the door of the apartment, Yoongi greets him with a furrowed brows and glasses sitting low on his nose.
“Hi, pretty hyung.”
“Hey, my Kook. Why are you so late today? Everything’s okay?” The blush is evident in his voice too, all the edges of the letters are grapefruit and pomegranate colored. Jungkook stills in the middle of the room, waiting for Yoongi to get up in a silent question.
“Yeah, don’t worry. I just had a lot of thoughts weighting on my shoulders, I went for a walk before coming here.”
Yoongi does finally get up now. He walks to Jungkook with open arms. The hug lasts long enough but never enough.
“Hey,” Jungkook whispers, face just a couple inches away from Yoongi’s. Their noses brush.
“Hey.” There’s awe and familiarity in his voice. Jungkook thinks he loves it. Him.
“I have something for you.”
“Oh?” Yoongi wriggles out of their embrace and seems to shiver for a second as if affected by the sudden absence of Jungkook around him. It makes him smile, soft and fond like only Yoongi can make him smile, with so much loud and unbearable love stuck in the corners of his lips. He thinks if this goes well, if he’s lucky enough for once, then Yoongi will lean in and kiss all this love away, lick it off and keep it under his tongue where it’ll taste like a sweet sweet hard candy. The thought brings goosebumps with itself.
Jungkook finds what he’s searching for in one of his back pockets. It’s a little little package, looking nothing more than a tissue. It’s enough to make Yoongi’s eyes glisten. Honeyed stardust.
“Give me your hand, pretty hyung.” Yoongi blushes, terribly terribly terribly, but does as Jungkook say. It’s nice to know that they trust and listen to each other like it’s given, something so easy that there’s no need to think over it.
Jungkook takes Yoongi’s hand, opens the package, and takes out two little fabric rings. He slides one on Yoongi’s pinky and the other on his. There’s silence all around them, except for their painfully loud and matching heartbeats. Then, Jungkook smiles, content and scared but so so trusting. He wants to trust Yoongi with his heart, even if he doesn’t want it.
“It’s our string of fate,” Jungkook says in his small voice, fear carefully hidden in all the consonants. Yoongi looks at the rings and then at him and fuck. There’s adoration so loud in his eyes that Jungkook doesn’t know if he’ll be able to confess before passing out. “I love you. And I know you love me too, so these can be anything we want. Friendship rings. But I’m also in love with you, deeply deeply in love with you. So I was wondering if you could allow me to try to be your soulmate.”
“ Fuck. ” Yoongi doesn’t say that. It comes out as a choked up sound meant to live and die in the back of his throat only, but apparently Jungkook has all the magic of the world sleeping on his palms and Yoongi can’t do anything against it.
Jungkook sucks in a deep breath, ready to have his heart shattered just a bit, just for today, just–
It’s just that Yoongi doesn’t know how to break Jungkook’s heart. Because–
“I love you too, Kook. I’ve been in love with you since forever,” he whisper-cries and launches himself on his best friend and, hopefully, about to be boyfriend. Jungkook apparently can’t handle the surreal twist of events, so even before finishing to wrap his arms around Yoongi, he blurts out what has been on his mind all this time.
“Are you my boyfriend now? I mean– Do you want to? Be my boyfriend?” Yoongi laughs in his ear.
“Yes. Yes, please. My pretty boyfriend, I love you so much.”
Jungkook doesn’t recall when tears and muffled I love yous turned into kissing but apparently it’s happening and god if it feels good. It feels right, as if having Yoongi’s soft lips pressed against his own had been written in the lines of his palms all the way since his past life. He’s so happy and so excruciatingly enjoying this that he accidentally deepens the kiss. Which seems to be the sweetest right mistake of his life, because Yoongi does this pretty sound in the back of his throat and licks Jungkook’s lips asking him for permission.
And who’s Jungkook to deny Yoongi anything? He parts his lips and feels Yoongi’s tongue slip in, find his. Jungkook really does try to keep the moan threatening to escape at bay. Yoongi suddenly pulls out, that bit enough to whisper against Jungkook’s wet and burning lips.
“Baby, let me hear you. You’re so good, you sound so good.”
Jungkook thinks he might be dying. There are firecrackers exploding all over his spine.
“ Hyung. Can you– Again. Please?” Yoongi leans in, licks Jungkook’s lips.
“What do you want? Want to hear me call you baby? Or tell you how good you are to me? How much hyung loves you?”
“Yes, please. Hyung–” He doesn’t let himself finish the sentence. It’s all so much but not enough at the same time, he wants so much, wants all of Yoongi. Yoongi lets out a muffled surprised sound when Jungkook suddenly pushes him and makes him fall on the couch.
“Kook?”
“Baby, please. ” He’s not sure what he’s asking for, but he knows Yoongi will understand, will give it to him and more more more. He swallows down all the fear and insecurities and takes a step forward. And then he’s straddling Yoongi’s lap and fuck it feels so good to have Yoongi’s big hands on his hips, strong but delicate. He might leave little bruises there. Jungkook wouldn’t mind.
He leans in, eager and desperate, and kisses him again. This time it’s hot. It’s so hot that Jungkook doesn’t even anymore what’s going on, except that Yoongi’s licking into his mouth while making these pretty pretty sounds and that his hands are roaming all over him, trying to memorise every centimetre of his body that he’s allowed to. When he slips his cold hands under his shirt and meets his hot flushing skin, Jungkook moans loudly into Yoongi’s mouth.
“ Hyung ,” he whines when Yoongi pulls away to laugh against his neck.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” There’s a surreal exhilaration in his vowels. Yoongi looks like he’s the happiest he’s even been his whole life, and the thought of being the reason for it makes Jungkook’s chest warm with blood sea waves. There are little wild-fires between his ribs, a sort of thing that only the right person could make one feel.
“Baby, come back here,” Jungkook whispers, voice lower than before. The rest of Yoongi’s laugh gets stuck in his throat and chokes him. He kisses Jungkook’s neck, wet and hot and with so much adoration. He leaves a wet trail of kisses all over his neck before going to his jaw and bite softly at the bone there, before soothing it with his tongue in apology.
And then they’re kissing again and it’s so fucking good and nothing could ruin this moment. Jungkook feels Yoongi’s hand trail everywhere, his shoulder, his waist, his thighs. Then his dick and–
“Wait, I– Hyung– Please, I don’t–”
In a second, Jungkook jumps from Yoongi’s lap and curls up on himself at the other side of the sofa. Yoongi’s looking at him with wide eyes and a hint of panic like pearly tears at the corners there.
“Hey, baby bun. What’s wrong?” He almost reaches out but changes his mind, afraid to hurt and wound sensitive places. Jungkook looks small and vulnerable. He drags his knees to his chest and hides behind them.
“I can’t– Hyung, I don’t want to–” There are just too many words stuck in his throat and trying to come out all at the same time, and too many thoughts fogging his mind, too many feeling burning on his skin, too many fears, too–
“Baby. Jungkook. Listen to me, can you listen to me?” Jungkook’s breathing is getting too fast and his heart is pounding loudly in his ears, but Yoongi’s voice is nice to listen to. It’s a grounding thing, an earthy type of magic that steals him from all the too much trying to drown him. So he decides that he’ll listen. He’ll listen and it’ll help.
“Yes.”
“Okay, thank you. Can you breathe for me? I’m going to open the window for some air, okay? And I want you to take deep breaths and not think. Can you do that?”
Jungkook doesn’t reply but he does as Yoongi said. After a couple of second he feels a weight leave the sofa, hears a sound somewhere in the room, and then the weight back where it should be. Yoongi should be here, with him, where he knows he belongs.
“I’m going to touch you now, can I? Is it okay?” He’s careful and tentative, doesn’t want to rush or hurt. It helps Jungkook to tame the screaming fears. He takes another deep breath, his chest aches.
“Yes, hyung.”
Yoongi moves closer and hugs Jungkook. To be more precise, he takes him in his arms, as if their size difference was a mere metaphysical detail completely irrelevant in the real world. It feels nice though. Jungkook feels safe and tries to focus on that to not feel the cruel pain in his chest. He can do this. It’ll be okay. This is Yoongi. The Yoongi that is in love with him; the Yoongi that leaves him tiny kisses on the top of his head when Jungkook is too stressed over studying; the Yoongi that brings him ice cream and then tells him he won’t give it to him until he sees him smile.
This is just them, and nothing will change that.
Just us. I can do this. Hyung loves me.
When he feels ready enough to talk he taps on Yoongi shoulder so that the elder can give him a bit of space.
“Hyung. I have to tell you something.”
“Whatever it is, you can tell me anything, baby. I’ll make it okay.” And Jungkook knows that these words are absolutely true, so it makes it a bit easier to say what he needs to.
“I don’t want to– I don’t like sex. I love you and I want to kiss you and touch you and I want you to touch and kiss me but– Not sex. I don’t want that.” Here it is. He did it. He said it. Now he can brace yourself and wait for the inevitable sound of shattered glass when Yoongi will say oh and Jungkook will want to die. Maybe he’ll excuse himself for the rest of the day, will go back to his apartment for once and cry in his pillow. That sounds like a good plan.
“That’s okay, baby. I’m sorry I touched you like that, I should have asked openly before doing that.” What?
“What?”
“Jungkook. Can you listen to me again? Please?” Nothing seems to make sense today. Jungkook considers the idea of having fallen in a sort of portal that lead him to an alternative world. At this point, listening to Yoongi seems the only normal thing. He nods shyly and lowers his knees.
“I love you, baby. I’ve always loved you and I always will. Do you know that?” It’s hard to smile through the pain, but it comes too painfully natural.
“I do, hyung. I love you too.” Yoongi nods at that, smiles back.
“I like sex. But you don’t. This means we won’t have any unless you change your mind. That’s totally cool with me.”
“But– Don’t you want to?”
Yoongi blushes all the way till his toes this time, Jungkook can’t even see all of his skin but he knows it. He looks like a pretty and ridiculous lobster. He coughs a couple of time but goes serious when he talks, he knows Jungkook needs him and needs to hear the truth lying in Yoongi’s heart. The truth is pretty simple.
“I do. I would love to take you to bed with me and make love. But– Jungkookie. I’ve loved you for years. I love you when you lie on the sofa and rant about random shit all day long. I love you when you cook for us and leave me to clean the entire kitchen. I love you when you cry against my shoulder because you’ve been having a bad week. I love you when you call me an asshole and then tickle me and– I also want to punch you but I fucking love you. I love you for an infinity of reasons and sex isn’t in the list.”
“Baby… Are you sure? I want to be a good boyfriend, but I’m afraid I won’t be enough for you, what if I–” The words die in his throat when Yoongi cups his cheeks with his hands and presses their foreheads together.
“I’m sure. Today and tomorrow. And when you’ll ask me tomorrow and tell you the same thing. I’ll love you for all the tomorrows to come. And I am the one who decides if you’re enough for me, I’m the only one who can do that. You are enough, fuck, you’re even more than enough. I don’t fucking care if we won’t have sex. I’ll get to wake up next to you and kiss you pretty nose. I’ll get to hold your hand and tell you all the reasons I find you terribly terribly pretty. I’ll get to tell you why you’re so good to me, my pretty Jungkook. This is more than enough to me. I don’t care about sex.”
Jungkook doesn’t exactly know how to react to this, so he does the only thing he can think of, and cries.
“Oh, baby,” Yoongi whispers and kisses his tears. Jungkook thinks that he was right since the beginning. Yoongi loves him and nothing will ever change that. It’s such an overwhelming realization that he can’t help but cry more and more, until there’s salt on his lips and Yoongi softly kisses it away.
“You’re too good to me–”
“No, cherry. My pretty cherry. I’m just giving you what you deserve. Safety and understanding and love. Because you’re my good boy and I love you in all your little things.”
“Then– Could you–”
“Yeah?”
“Can you kiss me and tell me all the reason I’m pretty?”
Yoongi smiles against his lips.