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Sam had chosen him. Dean had given him a choice, and God knows why, Sam chose the hunting life - chose to be with Dean - instead of his life with Amelia. Deep in his heart, Dean had always known Sam would choose him. It was why he broke things off with Benny; Sam was giving up his shot at the life he’d always wanted - with a girl and a dog and a permanent home - in order to be with him. It was only right that he make the same sacrifice. Not that he would ever stop feeling grateful for Benny - nothing he could do would be able to repay the vampire for all his help - but Sam always came first. Part of him was thrilled at the outcome, that he got to keep Sammy, but a small part of him inside had hoped that Sam would choose to move back to Texas, to be with Amelia and live his dream life. It would break Dean’s heart, but he’d live with it if it meant Sam was happy. He’d do anything to see his little brother happy again.
As he sat with his brother, watching TV and drinking beer, Dean faintly reminisced of the good old days. Back when it was just him and Sammy without any of this God crap. Over time, Sam had scooted closer to him on the seat, and was now leaning his head on Dean’s shoulder, like he’d always done when they were… together. Neither of them knew where they stood right now, but the look they’d shared before throwing in the towel and cracking open two beers indicated they were both content with… this. Well, as content as they could be, given the circumstances. The elder Winchester wrapped his arm around Sam without even thinking about it, pulling his brother closer, as if no time had passed at all since they were young and carefree and together. As he got lost deeper and deeper into his thoughts, Dean remembered something Sam had asked him years ago, a question that’s been nagging at his own subconscious for a while now.
The brothers lay on the bed, limbs intertwined and Sam’s head resting on Dean’s shoulder. His girly hair tickled Dean’s cheek, but the older man didn’t mind. He enjoyed the comfort of holding Sam close, of knowing he was alive and protected by Dean’s embrace. It was something he hadn’t felt in a long time, due to his brother going to hell and coming back soulless and all the trouble that had happened since. They hadn’t had a chance to really be together since Sam got his soul back, to discuss what needed to be discussed and figure out where they stand. Not too long ago, they’d rescued Lisa and Ben from Crowley’s demons, and Sam could see the effect it had on Dean. Yet, he felt like he had to ask, to know how Dean truly felt about him.
“Dean?”
“Yeah, Sammy?”
Sam paused. Dean had told him never to mention Lisa again, and here he was doing exactly that. He didn’t want to ruin what he and Dean had right now, whatever it may be. But when he noticed Dean staring at him patiently in wait of an answer, the younger reluctantly carried on.
“Did you love her more than me?”
It wasn’t necessary to say who. Dean knew who Sam was referring to without words. For a moment, the room was dead silent. Dean’s hand, which had previously been stroking Sam’s hair in an effort to soothe, was now still. With each passing second, Sam grew worried that he might have made Dean angry, and was just about to apologise when Dean spoke up.
“It’s never been possible for me to love someone more than you. What I had with Lisa was... well, it was the closest thing to a family I could get without you. But, Sammy… there’s a special spot in my heart you reserved from the moment you were born - hell, even before that, when you were just a nameless anomaly growing in mom’s belly - that nobody could ever replace. After this... thing between us started, when I began to see you as more than a brother, that spot grew to fill my entire heart. When you were gone, a piece of me was missing. Maybe being with Lisa and Ben helped me to feel not quite so empty, but nothing could ever make me whole like you could.”
“Sammy?”
“Hmm?” Sam hummed to acknowledge Dean, still partially invested in whatever was being shown on the television. Watching TV had been one of Sam’s coping mechanisms since he was young, an outlet for him to get away from his thoughts, to ignore the reality of his miserable life just for a little while.
“Did you love her more than me? Amelia, I mean.”
Sam stiffened at the mention of his former girlfriend. He was hesitant to answer, but didn’t take as long as Dean had, way back when their positions were reversed. Dean braced himself. This was it, the moment of truth. He was going to find out if Sam stayed with him for his sake, or because he wanted to. He hoped it was the latter, but mentally prepared himself for any answer Sam could give. Or so he thought.
“I’m sorry, Dean” Sam sighed out.
“For what?” Dean’s confusion was evident in his tone. Why was his brother apologising? If anything, Dean should be apologising to Sam for ruining his chances at a normal life by dragging him into the bottomless rabbit hole of hunting, again.
“I didn’t settle with Amelia because I’d moved on from you, from us. That’s not why I didn’t look for you. I lost myself when you went to Purgatory. All my life, you’ve been there to catch me when I fall. Even when I was at Stanford, I could’ve sent one text and you would be by my side. But suddenly, you weren’t there anymore. I had nobody. I felt... helpless, like I was reliving the nightmare of you going to hell. I’ve never been good at being alone, Dean, you know that. Everything that happened with my dependence on Ruby and the demon blood is proof of that. I guess I just… needed something to hold on to. Amelia was lost, too, and we saved each other. I don’t know what stupid, reckless crap I would have done if it hadn’t have been for her, and I love her for that.”
“Sammy…” Dean interrupts. “I’m sorry, too. I was pissed when I found out you didn’t look for me, and you know how I get when I’m mad. I should’ve listened to your side of the story, but instead I was too busy being a jerk.”
“But you’re my jerk” Sam smiles.
“Yeah,” Dean chuckles. “And you’re my bitch, bitch.”
Dean’s words make Sam feel warm inside, and he thinks maybe they’ll be okay. Then he realizes he never answered Dean’s question.
“Dean?”
“Hmm?” Dean hums this time, slightly more content than before, just basking in the moment of peace. His fingers are doing that thing where they run through Sam’s hair in a gesture that brings them both comfort.
“It’s never been possible for me to love someone more than you. I don’t think it ever will be.”
Dean doesn’t respond, just cuddles Sam closer.