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Obi-Wan Kenobi does not know what to do in this situation. Firstly because he never thought something like this will happen to him. Secondly because it is just really weird and unusual, and they hadn't taught him how to deal with over eccentric pirates (and that is not the first time he felt inadequate, because the Jedi surely didn't help him much there).
But let's start at a beginning. He is on Bandomeer, because he aged out and was deemed inadequate to become a real Jedi (everyone knows those that go to Jedi Corps are failures). And even if he wasn't thrilled, the first few weeks passed by without much problems. And then these pirates attacked.
And right now, one of the pirates (who is probably the leader) is asking if he wants to join his motley crew and become a full fledged space pirate. And the young Jedi finds himself literary stumped and shocked. Firstly because the Weequay pirate actually asked him to come to a decision and secondly because he actually thought the Jedi was worth something.
That he had some skills that could be useful, and sure the pirate only looks out for his own personal gain, but actually getting the idea to ask a Jedi to become one, is unprecedented and frankly crazy. However Obi-wan found it a bit endearing too.
What did Jedi give him anyway? They were only his whole life, and how had they repaid him? They sent the young Jedi on some backwater planet where he has to become a farmer. Obi-wan knows the Jedi should be selfless and that he shouldn't crave personal gain, but damn it all, was shattering his dreams really necessary?
You know what? Kriff them, who needs Jedi anyway. He will survive on his own. So the Jedi gave an affirmative answer and stepped on their ship, the Weequay captain giving him a welcome. When they settled the question of where he will sleep, they arranged a party for him (however I think they just wanted a reason to drink more, and my joining the crew was a perfect excuse).
"So what is your name boy?" The Weequay captain asks, and Obi-wan contemplated if he should give the pirate his real name. In the end the young Jedi decided it doesn't matter much, so he told the Weequay:" My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. What is yours?"
The pirate smiles at him, flashes his teeth and bows dramatically, and introduces himself with:" My name is Hondo Ohnaka. I am the captain of this ship and crew. It is a pleasure to meet you, and I welcome you into our small crew."
"The honor is all mine sir," Obi-wan answers and that is how he meets Hondo Ohnaka the pirate, who changed his life from the core.
+++
"What are the rules?"
"There are no rules, my little Jedi friend"
"That's not possible, there must be some set of rules"
"Well, alright I will tell you. Everyone looks out for himself here. Whatever you steal, it belongs to you, until someone else steals it from you. And we do nothing for free. Nothing"
"I think I can can follow those rules without any problems"
"We will see my friend. We will see"
+++
"Sir, what do I have to do?"
"You do what you want. And don't call me sir. It makes me feel old and less cool than say The pirate king! Or something along those lines"
"But, what..."
"No buts I don't have time to deal with you. As I said do what you want, as long as you don't damage the ship, it will be fine"
+++
"How the hell did you come this close to making the ship explode along with everyone on board?"
"I am sorry Hondo, I wanted to fix the hiperdrive, and I must have done something wrong..."
"You sure did. Because this ship almost exploded! Like really why do explosions always happen when you are around?"
"Well I don't know, I really am not doing it on purpose. And I mean you recruited me, because of those same explosions that always happen around me"
"Well that is true. I was mighty impressed when out of all the Jedi and people there, you were the one who gave us the biggest blow. And with a bomb nevertheless. But I hoped those skill of yours would be directed at our enemies not your own crew!"
"I am sorry..."
"Sorry, won't cut it my friend. I will take this as your debt, and every time you do something similar I will just add to it."
"All right, that is fair. What do I do now?"
"Clean up your mess. And from now on you are banned from going anywhere near the ship systems. Any systems."
"I understand"
+++
"What is my job on this ship?"
"We will find one"
"I am not good at mechanics that much, I am not a bad cook, but also not great either, I can't drive, I don't steal, I don't kill. I don't do anything! I don't like to be useless, because if I am useless you will kick me out. Leave me on some desolate planet to root..."
"Obi-wan. Stop. Listen to me. We will find a job for you. Just be patient"
+++
"Ah, home sweet home"
"Where are we?"
"Florrum, my friend. This is my base of operations and this is where I have most of my army"
"I see. Such a welcoming place isn't it?"
"A pirate's paradise!"
"Yes that sure is"
+++
"So what is that little pet of yours?"
"You mean Pilf?"
"Yes"
"He is a Kowakian monkey-lizard. I thought you as a Jedi would know that. Because you Jedi know everything don't you?"
"I am not a Jedi anymore. And no we are not gods."
"Okay, okay, calm down. Geez someone is touchy. So did you have some business with my Mukmuk?"
"Yeah, I am hungry. Can I eat him?"
"Gasp. How can you even think that?! How dare you.... my dear Mukmuk! You Jedi scum!"
"Relax, Hondo I was just kidding. Who is touchy now, huh?"
"Touche, my young Jedi. Touche"
+++
"Why am I here?"
"Because you are part of my crew"
"All right. Why are we here?"
"We are looking for a good deal, that will bring us good profit"
"Hondo, there will be no good deal or any profit here. This is a trap"
"Nonsense, Galak is an honourable fellow. He won't betray us"
"All right, whatever you say captain. It will be your fault when everything goes down to sewers"
+++
"I told you so"
"Well I wouldn't be a pirate, if I listened to every sensible advice you gave me now would I?"
"You would be a pirate, just a much smarter one than you now are"
"Hah! Did you just call me stupid? Me your captain?"
"Yes, because you are"
"I may be a liar, and a thief and..."
+++
"What are they doing, Gorn?"
"I don't know. The captain and that Jedi sure became mushy-mushy"
"Yeah, it's a bit weird. Should we do something about it?"
"What can we even do? Break them apart?"
"You are right. It's better if we just leave them be. Hopefully they will get bored of each other soon"
"Yeah, hopefully"
+++
"I want a lightsaber"
"Then get one"
"Hondo, I need a ship, so I can go to the Ilum system"
"Then take one. You are a pirate now, act like one"
"All right then. Don't tell me I didn't warn you"
"Wait, what do you mean by that?"
+++
"Kenobi, that lying sack of rancorn shit. He stole my favorite ship!"
"I am sorry, boss we tried to stop him, but we didn't succeed. Boss, what..... are you crying?!"
"Oh, I am so proud! My baby friend has finally spread his wings and become a full blown pirate! When he returns I will give him some solo assignments"
"Uh, boss are you sure that is smart?"
"Of course it is! Kenobi is a perfect pirate already. He can lie, cheat and now even steal! We just have to make him tune it down a little with explosions, and our training is complete!"
"You were training him?"
"Of course I did! In a roundabout, life threating way! The best way to learn is to do it in real life and survive! That is the kind of schooling I gave Obi-wan. And he embraced it fully"
"Yeah he sure did"
"Now let's go celebrate, I have some new patch of alcohol we have to try out!"
"Sure, boss I won't complain about some good alcohol..."
+++
"He still hasn't returned"
"He will"
"How are you so sure boss? What if he decided to go off alone and betray us?"
"Well if that is the case, we will deal with it when it comes. If there is anything I know what to do, it is improvising. As my mother used to say 'If it doesn't happen it's not worth thinking about. Just forget it with a little help from alcohol and you will be as good as new"
"But, boss he is a Jedi. Who knows what he can do? Aren't you worried even a bit?"
"Of course, I am worried my friend. But I can't control his life, he has to decide on his own what kind of life we wants to lead. And he is not a Jedi anymore, as he constantly repeats it. I think every time you call him a Jedi he gets insulted. I think the only thing he would find even more insulting is if you call him a Sith. So you know, try to tune the Jedi calling down a bit. "
"Ah I see. Duly noted, boss. I will tell the others too"
"You do that. Now let's go. We have some business to attend to, and some profits to earn"
+++
"Hello, Hondo"
"Welcome, my friend. I am glad to see you back and uninjured. So Kenobi how was your trip?"
"Educational. What have you been doing while I was gone?"
"Oh, you know me. I was plundering, stealing, buying, then stealing again"
"Some kidnappings lately?"
"No nothing interesting. Wait, actually there was this Jedi..."
"I don't want to know"
"But it's a really interesting story! You will love it!"
"I said I don't want to know. So move on"
"All right then. I will talk about something else. Have you heard about the time I...."
+++
"You shouldn't hate them so much"
"Who?"
"The Jedi"
"Why? I have a good reason for it"
"Well sure you do. But you see hate is not good for business"
"What does it matter if I hate them or not? If it comes to life and death I will bargain with them"
"Of course, but your hate can be a disadvantage. Because if you hate someone you will not give them a good deal, and then they won't give you a good deal in return. It makes for bad business, and small profit. You understand"
"Yes I do. I will try to not hate them that much"
"That's the spirit my friend! You have something important to do now?"
"Not particularly, no"
"Then let's go to lunch together. Feli is cooking today"
"That's good. It means it will be eatable"
"True, true. Though I must say, when you cook that is a spectacle"
"That was one time Hondo, will you ever stop teasing me about it"
"No, of course not! Where would be the fun in that?"
+++
"I hate flying"
"I know"
"I hate landing ships"
"I know"
"So why the hell am I flying this ship right now?!"
"It's not like I had much choice. It was you or crashing into a planet like a fireball. I am sure you can see I am injured and not in any shape to fly. Come on believe in yourself! You aren't such a bad pilot yourself. We will be fine"
"We will be fine? What in this situation can be defined as fine?"
"Stop panicking, Obi-wan. You are just making it worse"
"I am making it worse! I don't believe you, how dare..."
+++
"We are alive aren't we?"
"Yes"
.
.
.
"See I told you we will be fine"
"Shut up Hondo"
+++
"I really don't know why have I stayed so long with you Hondo. I hate you so much"
"Well thank you. I hate you too. But you also love me"
"Wha? No I don't"
"Yes you do"
"No, I don't"
"Yes, you do"
"No, I don't!"
"Yes, you do"
+++
"Bloody hell, those two are like children"
"It's Kenobi's fault really. He is just so oblivious of his feelings for the captain"
"Well if you ask me, the captain is a bit mean too. Why is he always mocking him about them. It is obvious he likes him too. So why don't they just stop fighting and start kissing?"
"I think that's because they are both too stubborn. They want to see who will confess first. I think it is a contest "
"A contest?"
"Yeah. The one who first confesses loses, or something along those lines"
"Yes it makes sense. Should we do something about it? You know to help them along?"
"Yeah we could. I think I have an idea"
+++
"This totally did not turn out how it should did it?"
"No, it didn't. Blast it all, who thought I would die in a cave with a stupid pirate"
"I could say the same. I never though I would die with an ex-Jedi turned bloody pirate"
"Yeah me neither"
+++
"You still alive Kenobi?"
"Yeah. Though I can't breathe anymore"
"How can you talk then?"
"Shut up Hondo. I meant there is less and less oxygen here, so it is getting harder to breath"
"Yeah, I noticed"
+++
"Hondo...."
"Yes, Obi-wan?"
"I think I love you"
"I know"
"I find you handsome too. Maybe a bit short, but handsome nevertheless"
Obi-wan laughs at that, before he erupts into a coughing fit.
"Oh, hell we are dying aren't we?"
"Yeah it seems so"
+++
"How the kriff are we still alive?"
"Yeah I don't have a clue"
"I mean what are the chances that our crew finds us just in time, right? Maybe it's the work of that religion of yours"
"You mean the Force?"
"Yeah that"
"Maybe.... But whatever the reason I am just glad I can breathe again"
"Me too"
+++
"Why are you doing this to me Hondo?"
"Doing what love?"
"Why a Jedi? Couldn't it be anyone else? Anyone?"
"It's not my fault. I haven't gone out and specifically looked for a Jedi. It just happened that way"
"Perfect. Just perfect. And what's worse I actually know him"
"Just try to be as nice as you can. No point in killing him yet right? He is useful to us now. So we should use him until we can right, my dear?"
"Yes, and will you please stop calling me names. It sounds awful coming from your lips"
"I love you too my little Jedi"
"I am not a Jedi"
"Oh, I know"
"You are doing this on purpose aren't you?"
"What me? Of course not, why do you think that? Do you really have so little fate in your lover?"
"I thought so. Shut up Hondo, you aren't helping"
"Really sometimes you are no fun"
+++
"Why do you have a lightsaber?"
"None of your business Jedi. I made it myself, so it is mine. And even if I have stolen it, it would still be none of your business"
"But you are not a Jedi?"
"No, Qui-gon Jinn I am not. As far as I know Jedi don't have the monopoly on the Force"
"We don't but..."
"Are you going to arrest me?"
"No, I won't. I just wanted to know.."
"Then piss off, Jedi"
Obi-wan walks away and only Qui-gon and Hondo stay in the room. "Pleasant fellow, isn't he?" Qui-gon asks and Hondo snorts at that.
"You haven't see him at his best yet. I think it is high time you leave us"
"Yes I must say I agree"
+++
"You alright, Kenobi?"
"I will be fine Hondo"
"Truly?"
"Yeah, come here"
Hondo moves over and sits behind Obi-wan.
"Do you want me to hug you?"
"Yes," Obi-wan answers and Hondo does just that. They stay like while the stars pass them by.
+++
"Why does it always have to be droids?" Kenobi grumbles and slashed a couple of droids before him.
"Well, better droids than those slimy Neimoidians. Or the Sith"
"You are right, there"
+++
"How was your meeting with Count Dooku?"
"Awful. Simply disgusting"
"Did you get the merchandise?"
"Yes and I got an exact sum he promised. And a little bit extra. And he didn't even notice"
"That's my boy! I am so very proud of you"
"I know that, thank you, Hondo. Celebration?"
"Celebration"
+++
"I never thought he would be this angry, when we stole from him"
"That's a Sith for ya. Merciless and unforgivable"
"But really sending his assassin on us? What was he thinking?"
"Well probably something in the lines of murder"
"But did you really have to flirt with her all the time?"
"It's how we fight. And I mean she started it"
"I sure hope that if you ever do cheat on me, it won't be with her"
"Don't worry. Asajj is many things, but she is not my type"
"I sure hope so, love"
"Come on Hondo. I flirt with everyone! It's not uncommon"
"Well I know I just never thought I had some competition"
"Hondo Ohnaka. I love you, and only you"
"That's nice to hear. I love you too"
+++
"Does that mean I can also flirt with the assassin, or with Aura Sing? Both are pretty handsome ladies"
"Hondo!"
"What? You said it yourself you flirt with everyone. Why can't I?"
+++
"How was your meeting with Qui-gon?"
"Horrible. So revolting"
"Did you get the goods?"
"Yes and also I got a hostage"
"That wasn't the part of the plan"
"Sorry, I had to be creative"
"Well no matter. So how is our old Jedi friend?"
"He looks alright. A little tired though. Probably because of his Padawan"
"He has a Padawan? Really?"
"Yes, some kid named Anakin Skywalker. However I think he would be a much better pirate than a Jedi"
"Want to kidnap him?"
"No, I don't want you falling in love with another kidnapped kid"
"Is that jealousy I hear?"
"I don't know what you mean Hondo"
"Don't worry my friend. Nobody can replace you in my life"
"Same here. And anyway it would be such a drag to take care of a kid. Anakin is a handful. Let Qui-gon suffer with him"
"You are so mean, my love"
"What can I say? Pirates aren't usually considered as good people"
"Well maybe not, but I would argue that you aren't like other pirates"
"Why? Because I was a Jedi?"
"No, because you have a caring heart. You never kill without a good reason. You don't steal from those that don't have anything. And you still sometimes save lives"
"Well I suppose that is a good reason as any"
"Let's go to this transaction then. Our Jedi friends are waiting"
"I can't wait"
+++
"Everything went well boss?"
"Yes, everything went great! For the first time Obi-wan's pull towards explosions didn't come to pass"
"Well your pull toward problems unfortunately replaced it"
"Does that mean something did happen? Boss?"
"No of course not! Kenobi is just being a dick. Don't listen to him"
"We lost a ship. And some weapons. However we did get the money, so I suppose it wasn't that bad"
"Wait a ship? You mean my ship?"
"Precisely"
"Boss! Come here so I could kill you!"
"I have some rather important business to take care of. So I have to go. Bye!"
+++
"You can really be a nerfherder, sometimes"
"It is your own damn fault. If you ever listen to me, it would have gone much more smoothly than it did"
"I really hate it when you act like you know everything"
"That's because I do"
"Smart-ass"
"Stupid pirate"
"Smelly ex-Jedi"
"Hey! You smell much more than I do!
"No, I don't! That's just a natural body odor of Weequays"
"You are so gross!"
"You are disgusting!"
+++
"What are they doing now?"
"Fighting apparently. Is it going to last?"
"I bet it will go on for two hours, and then they are going to be all over each other"
"I take that bet. Let's say one hour and after that they will go to the bedroom."
"Deal"
+++
"Well that was tiring, wasn't it?"
"Go to sleep Kenobi. Tomorrow we have work to do"
"Okay. I hope we don't run into any complications"
"Yeah, me too love"
+++
"I won"
"Damn it! Here you go"
"Thank you for your business"
"Fuck the captain and his little bitch of a Jedi"
+++
"What the kriff does this guy have against you?"
"I don't have a fucking clue"
"Is he some kind of Sith?"
"Yes I do think so. He is a red Zabrak, has yellow eyes and wields a red lightsaber. I don't know what tipped you off, but that is a fair assumption"
"Why do you attract so many Sith? I mean I know you are attractive and all, but why do you have to be so popular? At least attract someone much less dangerous"
"It really is not up to me, Hondo"
"Then if this is the will of the Force, fuck the Force. Can't we have a little break at least once?"
"I must say I totally agree"
+++
"What the hell? You want us to get married?"
"Yes"
"Why exactly?"
"Well my dear Kenobi that is because the Litorians apparently consider a wedding sacred, and those that married are blessed or some shit. So if we marry, we will get a much better deal. It is most profitable"
"I see. All right then. Where do you want to marry?"
"Canto Bight"
"Absolutely not"
"I kid, I kid. Tatooine"
"Do you want to make me refuse, or are you really that stupid?"
"I actually don't know. Let's look at the star map and decide together"
"That's the best idea you had whole day"
+++
"Why did I let you talk me into this?"
"It's because you love me"
"Do we really have to do this?"
"Shut up and kiss me Kenobi"
+++
"Master?"
"Yes Anakin?"
"Why are we here on this wedding?"
"We were invited. Though Force knows why"
"Those two pirates are weird. Why are they marrying"
"I don't have a clue. And frankly I don't want to know"
+++
"Did your deal with Litorians go well?"
"Yes, everything was perfect"
"Great. So when are we going on our honey moon?"
"I thought you didn't want to marry to me"
"Well now we are married, so why not use it? I hear Naboo is beautiful this time of the year"
"I will have to talk with my boys, but I don't think they will say no"
"Even if they do, just let me talk to them and they will change their mind quickly"
"Hey, don't threaten my crew"
"I don't promise anything"
"Kenobi love, you can sometimes be such a chore"
"You aren't any different"
"True. That is why we get along so well"
+++
"Why is that big droid looking at us so weirdly?"
"I don't know, but I think we should move"
"Obi-wan what did you do?"
"I didn't do anything"
"Kenobi the droid is coming closer, and he seems pissed! Kenobi, what did you do?"
"I didn't do anything I swear!"
+++
"What is the problem my love?"
"The Jedi are dying"
"Is there anything weird about that?"
"They never died like this before"
"Like what?"
"All at once"
+++
"So we are an Empire now. That will take time to get used to"
"Yes, it will"
"However that doesn't change much about us or our business, right love?"
"No it doesn't"
"You want to be alone for a while don't you?"
"Yes"
"Well I will leave you alone then. See you later?"
"Yes, see you later my dear"
+++
"What are those?"
"Kids"
"I can see that. What I want to know is why are they here?"
"They were in danger. I had to help them"
"Are they by any chance Force sensitive children?"
"Yes"
"I thought so. They can only stay for a couple of days, and then they have to be on their way. I don't want to be hunted by the Empire just because I am housing a couple of Jedi children"
"Thank you Hondo. This means much to me"
"I know. Everything for you my love"
+++
"Do you think those kids are alive?"
"Yes. You and me were their teachers after all"
"I sure hope that is true"
"It will be alright, my love. We will survive this as we survived everything else. Together"
"Yes my dear. I sure pray that you are right"
"I am sure that Force of yours is looking out for us"
"Yes, it probably does. May the Force be with us"
"Indeed. May it be with us until the end of time"