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He can tell that Lily’s revelation wasn’t exactly news to anyone else at the dinner table.
Al and James gave quiet smiles. They had definitely known before. Ginny gave a short nod, before forcing a smile and a “That’s lovely, Lil. Why don’t you bring her over to dinner sometime.” She had known something was up, Harry could tell that much.
He himself felt a little lost with the information that his daughter was dating a girl. What did he say to that? ‘That’s lovely’? like Ginny had? Before he could figure out how to make those words leave his mouth he felt a soft hand on his shoulder. Looking up he sees Lily looking at him apprehensively and the rest of his family having made themselves scarce.
“You’re awfully quiet, Dad.”
He sighed. “I’m not…”, he started,”I’m not mad or like against it or something. I promise.
I’m just…”, he watched her face fall as he softly finished, “confused.”
“Not a bad confused,” he hurried to add. Hoping to stop the tears in Lily's eyes from falling. Stop his stupid mouth from breaking his daughter’s heart. “Just confused.”
“About what exactly?” he could hear the defensiveness in her voice.
Yeah, about what exactly? If he only knew himself.
“Just in general. Like how… how are you so... sure?”
He was making an idiot of himself. Harry was perfectly aware of that. He was hurting his daughter. And he needed to shut up and just tell her that he was happy for her or something.
“That I like girls?” Lily raised an eyebrow. Then took a deep breath before asking: “Well, how do you know you like girls?”
That wasn’t a question Harry had been prepared for in the slighted, it caught him off guard.
“Umm… I don’t… I just do?”
“Yeah, but have you ever thought about why?” Lily pulled out a chair and sat down across from him. “Have you ever thought about what makes you attracted to them?”
Harry’s mind was completely blank. There was no reason why he liked girls. At least none he could put a name to. It had seemed that at some point during fourth year all the boys in Hogwarts had suddenly developed crushes on girls. And when he wouldn’t shut up about Cho Chang’s flying skills he had been teased about his crush on her. But liking how someone handled a broom didn’t mean he had a crush on them, did it? He liked Ginny for her Quidditch skills but she was also funny. And while he could admit he admired Draco Malfoy on a broom, the idea of dating him seemed absurd.
Suddenly Harry felt his face heat up. Was this about sex?! Surely not.
“Uhh, I think I might be bad at this kind of thing,” he finally defeated.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Dad. Everyone is attracted to someone. Well, I guess most people are,” Lily shook her head. She was quiet for a moment.
“Okay. For me it’s like this: When I see a pretty girl walking down the street I almost can’t help but look at her, the way she walks, the way she’s dressed, her hair, her smile, things like that…”
There was an almost shy smile on her face.
“Don’t you ever get that?” she paused, “Just close your eyes and imagine you’re walking down a street and you look up and see a beautiful person walking towards you.”
Harry sighed but did as he was told. He closed his eyes and imagined himself walking down a street. After a moment he opened one eye only to see Lily looking at him inquisitively.
“Umm, what does this person look like?” he asked her.
She rolled her eyes.
“That’s what you’re supposed to figure out. Just imagine someone that would stand out in a crowd, that your eyes would get drawn to.”
Well, that was easy, Harry thought. There was one person he could always spot in any crowd.
He closed his eyes again and imagined Malfoy walking down a road towards him.
“Okay, what now?”
“Well, what do you like about this person? What are you particularly drawn to?” Harry could hear excitement in Lily’s voice. He could almost feel her bubbly happiness return to the room. He took a deep breath and knew he had to find an answer that wouldn’t fuck that up again.
“Well,” he started. What was something nice about Malfoy? They clearly weren’t talking about personality here. So purely based on looks what was it about him that made him stand out to Harry? Easy, his... “hair, and shoulders, and…”
“Shoulders?” she interrupted laughing.
“What? I said I was bad at this.”
“Sorry, please continue.”
“... general umm… shape... with clothes,” Harry continued before opening his eyes with a sigh.
She was laughing. Not even giggling, she was full on laughing with tears streaming down her face. On the upside, he didn’t think she was mad at him for fucking up his reaction to her coming out anymore.
“That’s it.”
“Okay.” Bringing her laughter under control she continued: “Now imagine this person in... like a sexy situation.”
“What?!?!” His face felt hot and like it was bright red.
“Not like that!” Lily hurried. “Jeez, Dad. Romantic then. Like lying in bed together.”
She paused paused for a moment, grinning when she saw him raise an eyebrow. ”Dressed, if you feel better that way. Kissing, touching…” she continued.
Harry didn’t even have to close his eyes to have the image of a barely dressed Draco Malfoy lying in a bed next to him, reaching out to him, pulling him in for a kiss.
Harry was sure his face went from bright red to a deep purple.
Lily laughed again.
“See. If I do that I think about a girl too. I think about Hannah.” She was smiling softly.
“Right,” Harry cleared his throat, feeling uncomfortable with the situation. And his trousers.
“So?” Lily asked looking at him expectantly. “Can Hannah come over for dinner then?”
Harry frowned. “Of course, why wouldn’t she? Mom, already ask you to bring her.”
Lily shrugged and looked down.
“I wanted you to be okay with it too,” she said quietly after a moment.
It feels like a punch in his gut. It hurts.
“I was okay with it, Lily,” he said just as quiet. “I was always going to be okay with it.”
“Really?”
“Of course!” Harry took a deep breath and let it out. “You’re always going to be my daughter and I’m always going to love you. No matter what. I’m sorry if I made you feel like that wasn’t the case.”
“I love you too, Dad.” Lily’s arms came around him and she buried her head in his neck.
“I really am just... was just confused,” he told her after she pulled away. “This whole thing isn’t something I ever really thought about much. I don’t really know anyone that’s… you know…” he trailed off.
“A lesbian? Gay? Queer?” Lily asked with a grin. Something in Harry’s stomach felt unsettled hearing those words said out loud.
“Yeah,” is what he said instead. “I can try to learn things though,” he offered and hoped he sounded more convincing that he felt.