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“If you’re sure. I’ll only go if you’re absolutely sure.” Reigen shrugged dramatically, shoulders up to his ears and palms held flat, fair head tipped with a warm smile playing across his lips. Serizawa wasn’t fooled for a minute.
“I’m sure. Of course I’m sure.” Gentle fingers wound their way into soft, dark curls, tugging, and Reigen went up on his tiptoes until their foreheads met. “It has too much potential and you speak the language far better than me.” He closed his eyes, taking comfort in the quiet and calm of their little slice of the world; the office locked up for the night and everything still.
“Come with me.” Back on his feet, Reigen pressed his ear against the esper’s broad chest, trying to memorize the muffled rhythm through muscle, skin, shirt, jacket. The thought of sleeping alone for so long made his throat close.
“Only one ticket.” It wasn’t worth pointing out he didn’t have the money for another one and how he choked it out while sounding so normal was anybody’s guess. But he supposed he was good at hiding, for better or for worse, and he didn’t want to worry Serizawa. “Besides, you’ll be back before you know it.” He pecked him on the cheek. “What’s that saying? Absence makes the heart grow fonder?” Reigen melted into Serizawa’s hug, the sigh of contentment something involuntary, and they stood there, in the dim, witnessed only by bargain bin furniture and the shadows of memories, for a long time. Until the conman stepped back and cleared his throat and straightened his tie, tugging on his lapels to tidy up and put himself right. “Now.” He leaned in, wry, one hand on a stubbly cheek, “take me to dinner.”
Reigen rapidly tapped the pen against the surface of the desk in time to the music, the sharp ratatattat barely reaching his ears beyond all the static his overactive thoughts were generating. Gaze fixed on the door, his foot soon joined the tapping, and the fingers of his free hand began worrying the knot of his tie, running along the fabric and tracing the edges along each fold. It had been a slow week and Tome had left early today to pack for her school trip tomorrow. She wouldn’t be back for at least a few days.
“Oi. Reigen.” Dimple sighed, this wasn’t his first attempt at grabbing the man’s attention. “Reigen. Reigen!” The aggravating sounds ceased and the human rolled his head to the side, resting his cheek on one shoulder and pinning Dimple with a weary stare.
“Yes?” He blinked, normally bright eyes a dull brown and half-lidded. He looked exhausted, the shadows under his eyes were deep and dark and the ghost would have thought they’d been blacked. But he knew better and the repartee he’d been prepared to get into suddenly didn’t seem important.
“Go home.” Picking his head back up, Reigen resumed his vigil. “Heh, come on, you’re useless like this, when you’re so tired.” Reigen’s jaw clenched and Dimple regretted his choice of words instantly; like this indeed. Like this he was self conscious and vulnerable, whether he’d admit it or not. A conman, and the only one he seemed to be conning was himself. “I didn’t--”
“No, you’re right.” It was like a veil slid over his face, somehow still Reigen and somehow a complete stranger. Imperceptible, unless you knew where to look. And the spirit did. “You go on and see Mob, stay for a bit. it’s been a while, yeah?” Perfectly controlled hands closed the laptop in front of him, killing the music and running palms over the silver surface, plunging them into awkward silence. “I’ll close up.” A salesman’s grin, all teeth and no truth. “I should turn in early.”
“Yeah, sure Reigen.”
1:28
Flipping away from the clock, Reigen faced the wall, pressing his forehead against it and sighing deeply. He’d always had trouble sleeping, but since moving in with Serizawa he’d been enjoying a more regular schedule. Cuddled up close with a heavy arm over his body seemed to do the trick and he could lose himself in the steady thrum of his pulse, the slow cadence of his breath. Groaning, Reigen flopped onto his back, kicked the blanket off, suddenly too hot and shimmied down the futon to leave the pillow behind.
He closed his eyes.
2:13
The swirling, repetitive, anxious thoughts were always bad at night and Reigen threw crossed arms over his face in an attempt to block them. Legs drawn up, he rocked his knees back and forth, clenched his fingers in sweat-damp hair and pulled before letting his limbs drop to the cool sheets with a whine. Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he do anything right? Couldn’t even--
“Go to sleep.”
3:44
He’d wrapped himself around Serizawa’s pillow, burying his face in the soft fabric and inhaling deep. It smelled of him, of the shampoo he favored, the scent of the aftershave Reigen bought him. He blinked, so tired his eyes were burning, sore and painful with the headache growing right behind them. Rolling onto Serizawa’s side of the bed he forcibly relaxed his muscles, unclenching his shoulders from his ears and trying to inhale, exhale, count slow and let his mind drift.
5:19
Reigen was sitting against the wall, the bedding a mess, the sheets tugged off the corners and Serizawa’s pillow crushed close to his chest in a firm grip. He rested his cheek on the plush surface, letting silent tears slip down his skin to be absorbed. What if he wasn’t coming back? What if he liked it better there? Worked with better people there? It wouldn’t be hard. There wasn’t much about him to like. It didn’t even make sense that someone as beautiful as Serizawa would open his home to someone like him. Someone who couldn’t even keep his business off the ground, who couldn’t pay him what he deserved. Someone ugly and fake and useless and, and, and--
Pressing the heels of his hands against his temples, Reigen stood unsteadily, stumbling off the bed and almost tripping in the tangle before turning on the water as hot as he could stand it and forcing himself under the spray.
He’d just go into work early. There was plenty to do and maybe there’d be some more clients today.
They’d managed to break even but not turn a profit this week and Reigen stared hard at the numbers, a not so distant memory creeping up his throat and strangling him. The page was blank, blank in front of him, and he couldn’t breathe. Fingers scrabbling at his tie, he almost tore it in his haste to remove it, tugging at the top button and feeling threads part under his touch.
The door opened and he looked up, unsure of what expression was plastered across his face.
“Is this a bad time?” The client was older, going gray and very soft spoken and Reigen smoothed his hair back and chuckled.
“I seem to have lost a button.” He gestured to the chair. “I’ll make us some tea and you can tell me what’s been bothering you.”
It had been a simple case off heavy shoulders, easily resolved and the gratitude in their expression warmed him as he counted the fee and tucked it into the safe.
Reigen hissed when his hip collided with the corner of his desk for the third time that day, holding a hand to his pounding head as the room spun. It was all he could do to slump into his chair, the relief of being motionless a balm as he closed his eyes against the shadows dripping down the walls to pool like paint on the tile floor. When he opened them again, they’d made it to his desk, rising like inky water and he swore his shoes were soaked. But shadows weren’t supposed to be wet, were they? He should get out of here before it got him. It was coming for him, right? It had to be, why else would he be wading through the increasingly thick penumbra surging upwards like the acid in his throat. It was cold, thick like oil and so sticky Reigen wasn’t sure he could make it to the door before it swallowed him up completely. Would it follow him through the door? Down the stairs? To the apartment he shared with the man he loved? He couldn’t risk bringing this there, not where it could hurt Serizawa.
Almost taking a header down the stairs, he was glad to see it hadn’t followed him. Whatever it was had disappeared and he couldn’t go back there, not today. Weaving on his feet, Reigen caught himself on a bench, on a tree, on the side of a bank atm, before he made it to the train. It was early, and he fell into an empty seat, letting the scenery slip quickly by, morph into strange and fluid shapes, until his stop.
Laying down while the sun was still out didn’t seem like the right thing to do, but he needed to, he had to, he’d never wanted anything more in his life. Except one thing. Without permission his hand wrapped around the phone lying beside him, held it to his ear as it rang and he wasn’t even aware he was holding his breath until the older man picked up and he sighed in relief at a groggy greeting. The tears prickling at the back of his eyes were unexpected and Reigen smiled, curled on his side with the cell pressed to his face with both hands, as if he could get closer by doing so.
“‘Taka?”
“Katsuya,” Reigen’s voice shook just slightly and he hoped the other man couldn’t hear it. How many days had it been? How many days until he’d fallen so completely apart?
“Is something wrong, love? It’s very early here.” A soft chuckle, “did you forget?” Reigen laughed in return and it covered up the sob that broke free.
“I did, I totally did. It’s been hectic!” He wiped his eyes, just listening to Serizawa on the other end of the phone, from the other side of the world, as he told him what he’d been doing.
“I should go back to sleep, ‘Taka.” Serizawa yawned, and something in Reigen’s chest squeezed uncomfortably tight. “I have an early morning.”
“Ah, of course, of course.” Voice light and unconcerned, Reigen closed his eyes in a futile attempt to stem an unending tide. “I love you.”
“I love you too, ‘Taka.” He could picture his smile, the soft kiss he’d press to his forehead. He could almost feel the palm on his cheek. “I’ll see you soon.”
A deafening click.
Silence.
Something flickered in the corner of his eye but when he turned to look there was nothing there, there was never anything there, and he couldn’t catch his breath. Striking out with one uncoordinated arm, he felt for Serizawa’s jacket, clutching it to his neck and crying so hard into it he shook. He’d have to waste money on dry cleaning. Money they didn’t have. He didn’t have, that he couldn’t earn. Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he hold onto anything good? Why did he have to ruin it? Every time?
He woke, sore and disoriented, on his back, quilt tangled around his knees and he found he couldn’t quite remember what day it was. Blinking hard, he tried to clear his vision, rubbing at his eyes when that didn’t work. It was dark outside and he didn’t bother glancing at the clock, far too interested in the black puppy sitting on the ceiling, looking down at him with dark, liquid eyes. It’s head was cocked to the side and it seemed to be looking at Reigen just as hard as he was looking at it, when suddenly it rose to all fours and scampered through the opposite wall.
He closed his eyes.
Skittering woke him. Clicking and clacking, oblong glistening shells in a sea of bronze and black tracing invisible paths through dust and dim. They moved independent of one another, over top of each other, seething in crooked circles, restlessness that became worse with every passing moment and he recognized something of himself in every glittering, unblinking eye.
Wall-crawling in and out of invisible cracks like fissures in the crust of the world. Millions lying behind the plaster in wait, exoskeletons pressed impossibly close, vying for an exit, any exit, in this churning mass of unquenchable, unattractive, unattentive life, the deafening hiss of their voices in unison cutting through the air like a scream.
Invasive, inescapable, scuttling, scurrying over his skin, armored feet marching in droves over his fingers, his face, over his eyelids, through his hair, brazen and bold and braver than he could ever be because they were infinite, innumerable.
Fleeing the room, Reigen tripped over his own feet, going down hard in the doorway. He scrambled to close it, slamming it shut and refusing to hear the muted crunch of those multitudinous casings.
The office.
He could go to the office. They wouldn't be at the office because he wouldn't go to sleep. If he didn't sleep they couldn't come, couldn't catch him off guard like they did here. Shucking his sleep clothes and leaving them where they landed, Reigen pulled on the crumpled suit he wore the day prior, wrinkled because he couldn't be bothered to hang it up when he got home. Instead, shedding it like a second skin, piece by piece, layer by layer until he remembered a little about what it felt like to be him.
The door was unlocked and Serizawa wondered if Reigen had forgotten again. They'd talked about it before, how they didn't live in the best part of town and he should be more careful.
“”Taka?” Keeping his voice low in case the man was asleep, Serizawa dropped his suitcase; he was tired from traveling and reasoned he could unpack tomorrow. He picked up Reigen’s pajamas off the floor, shaking his head fondly and tossing them in the laundry hamper before opening the bedroom door, wanting nothing more than to fall asleep next to him. And froze. The bed was a rumpled mess, pillows askew, sheets not even on the futon, piled at the end of it with the quilt crushed up underneath. The esper sighed heavily, setting things to rights with a wave of his hand.
Now all he had to do was find him.
Serizawa came upon Reigen at the office, asleep on his desk in a rumpled suit, pale and wan with his head pillowed on the blotter, arms pinning pages and pages of calculations. Serizawa gently tugged a sheet out from under him to examine it and sighed. He'd seen this before, some months ago, and it wasn't hard for him to puzzle out what had happened. There was nothing for it now but to try and get him to rest, they could talk about it when he was feeling better. Brushing aside his auburn bangs, Serizawa pressed a sweet kiss to his too-cool skin, began to gently rouse him, pleased when his fingers twitched and dim brown appeared beneath fluttering lashes. Reigen groaned, leaning back, before recognizing who'd woken him and jumping out of the chair only to trip over his uncoordinated feet and fall into Serizawa’s broad chest.
“‘Suya…’Suya.” He gripped him tight, winding trembling fingers into the clothes at his back, burrowing his face as close as he could get into the crook of his neck.
“Hello, love.” The younger man really was a mess, but Serizawa shoved his concerns and frustration elsewhere. Reigen wouldn't understand it, addled as he was with lack of sleep and exhaustion. “It's alright.” The tears were no surprise, overtired and pushed to the brink, his emotions held the reins, unable to be regulated. Serizawa hushed him, ran firm hands over his shuddering back, until he calmed, slipping down just for the esper to tug him back up and keep him there. “Why are you here, ‘Taka? It's the weekend.” Breathy, his answer ghosted against Serizawa’s throat, drawn out, slurred, like he'd had one more lemon sour than usual.
“Roaches. You weren't there.” It wasn't accusatory, just simple fact. “Soooo many!” And he spread his arms so wide, Serizawa had to catch him up again as he over balanced himself. Reigen looked up at him, gaze bleary and unfocused. “No roaches here.” Before touching a finger to the tip of the esper’s nose, giggling, as if it were the clearest thing in the world.
In the back of the cab Reigen was a chatterbox, talking a mile a minute about everything and nothing and Serizawa knew for sure the driver thought he was drunk. He supposed in some ways he was with his defenses at their lowest from lack of rest. Running a slow palm over the head leaning on his shoulder, Serizawa hummed responses, humoring Reigen until he could force him to sleep for the rest of the weekend and then chide him soundly for making him worry.
The stairs proved a challenge and Reigen kept missing them, frustrated with how they kept “moving,” and “couldn't they just stand still for one second?” Serizawa steadied him, lifting him entirely before he could injure himself in a fall and Reigen was more than content, murmuring his name and looking up into his face, doe-eyed and drugged.
“You're ridiculous, you know that, ‘Taka?”
“Mhm…”
With a thought, Serizawa began drawing a bath in the hope it would relax him enough to sleep before heading towards the bedroom. He felt Reigen freeze in his arms, clutch his jacket and hide in his neck, real fear in his voice.
“In there...They're. The.”
“I'll check first, okay, love?” Gently pressing his lips to a sweat soaked temple he set him down on shaking legs, making to move forward and Reigen tugged him back, muted terror in his red-rimmed eyes.
“Careful.” A kiss to his forehead placated him enough to let him go, following closely behind as they peeked through the door like parents checking for monsters under the bed. “Gone.” There was wonder in his voice and Serizawa wished he knew what he'd seen in there earlier tonight.
“Let's have a bath, okay?”
Loose limbed and groggy but still fighting it, Reigen relaxed into the fingers working shampoo into his scalp, sighing when Serizawa dumped the bucket over his head and examined it for traces of soap before tugging him into the bathtub and pulling him against his chest. He held his hand and stroked damp hair, talking softly about all the things he'd seen on his trip abroad, how the spirits were different over there, and how much he'd missed having Reigen there. Missed having someone he trusted to watch his back and give him a congratulatory kiss and take him out to his favorite ramen place. The man in front of him hummed in contentment, relaxing into the comfort of Serizawa at his back, the weightless sensation of being cradled in warm water. Reigen became deadweight in his arms, face tipped against his throat, breath slow and deep. Lifting him carefully and drying them both with a soft towel, he slipped Reigen into one of his own tee shirts and a pair of shorts, tucking him into bed and climbing in beside to drift off soon after.
More than a few times, Reigen’s tossing and turning woke Serizawa and he was so done in the esper wasn't sure if he even knew where he was. So, he would rub his back to gentle him or stroke his cheek, kissing his forehead lightly, his closed eyes, all to ease him back down. With Reigen trying to avoid sleep, it took convincing and kind words, promises and soothing affirmations the younger man would most likely forget by morning. Each time the pleading look in those half-lidded eyes tugged at Serizawa’s heart.
“This was the last time.” Reigen gaped, mouth open and throat working as he tried to come up with any excuse to make him stay. “I warned you this would happen.” The younger man knew he did, he’d talked with him about it so many times, so many, and Reigen couldn’t be bothered to learn or to try, even for the person he held closest to his heart. “Picking up your pieces when you insist on falling apart again and again is too much.” Frantic, Reigen reached, begged, trying to catch hold of the esper’s sleeve as he turned away.
“I, I, I can do better!” Serizawa tore his arm away from him viciously, face contorted into a disgusted sneer and Reigen leapt back like it was a physical blow.
“You say that every time and I have yet to see the effort.” Serizawa stalked closer, herding his smaller body until it was pressed against the wall. “You promise and promise, but all you really do is lie.” Each word a slap, each syllable a papercut until it was like he was bleeding with them.
“Please. Please, g’give me--”
“Yes. Give you.” He stepped back, adjusting one cuff with a distracted aire, and Reigen collapsed to his knees. “Always take, take, take.”
“I.” But there was nothing left to say. Serizawa hadn’t told anything but the truth, something that Reigen still had yet to figure out despite every hard won lesson he thought he’d learned. How did he keep falling so short for the ones he loved so dearly?
“You’re too much for me, Reigen.” The final concussive impact and it stole the very breath from his lungs, froze his blood like icy sludge in his veins. It was like drowning on dry land, the force of his sobbing, the weight of his mistakes crushing him into the earth, crushing the life out of his limbs, the thoughts from his mind, until all that was left was the strong, board line of Serizawa’s back as he walked away.
Loud cries jolted him out of a deep sleep and he was disoriented with the sound until he could place where it was coming from; beside him from Reigen, sitting up small with his knees to his chest and his arms wrapped around his head and shaking fit to fly apart. Fumbling, clumsy and graceless, Serizawa scrambled upright and pulled him close, hugging him tightly to his chest and pressing Reigen’s ear against him.
“Shh, shh, what’s wrong, ‘Taka?” Frantically, he pet back his hair, whispering to him softly and peppering gentle kisses all over. “Hush, love, hush now. It’s alright.” Crying so hard he could barely catch his breath, great heaves and stuttering exhales marked time and Serizawa rocked him through it until he was so used up he collapsed, limp and shuddering with the aftershocks. “Did you have a nightmare?” More for himself than anything else, unsure if Reigen could even hear him as he was. Looking up at Serizawa, it took long minutes before the man even recognized who was holding him and when he did all he could do was grip him so tightly it almost hurt, hiding his face in the crook of his neck and promising over and over and over again to be more, to be enough, to be just what Serizawa wanted.
Just please don’t leave.
Reigen felt awful, sick to his stomach with a pounding headache besides. It was like he didn't quite fit where he was, skin too loose and bones too long, like he'd slipped into someone else's body by mistake because surely this one couldn't belong to him. It was difficult to keep his eyes open, the light, bright and lancing into the room made them ache and he swung the arm that did and didn't belong to him over his face, taking a deep breath and holding it in lungs too small while he made sense of where he was before he exhaled slowly. Everything felt off. Wrong. Shifted inches above him as he lay in the bed. A broad palm cupped the top of his head, thumb moving across his bangs giving Reigen something to anchor himself to. The voice near him was musical, familiar and nice, even if he couldn't process what it was saying, it was the only thing that felt right.
Curled in a ball, Reigen fought waking up, too comfortable and warm to want to move with all the discomfort held at bay by fuzzy distance. Caught in this plane between, he groaned, burrowing into the soft pillow and hiding from the light.
“Are you awake, ‘Taka?”
“Mff…” A chuckle, and from where he was lying he didn't think it was very funny.
“Sit up and drink some of this, you'll feel better for it.” The futon dipped and a warm hand ran down his side, pressing the half of him that seemed to be trying to make an escape back where it belonged. Firm and grounding, the touch helped more than anything else, drawing him like water in a well to the surface and Reigen stopped resisting, allowing Serizawa to help lever him up. He was dizzy, but most of it passed quickly, and he accepted the cup. “Sip slow.” Leaning against Serizawa, Reigen followed his advice, holding the tea in both hands to warm them and focusing on the heat filling up each cold hollow in his bones. He was drowsy, heavy and slow and it didn’t take him long to figure out what he’d foolishly done to himself.
What he’d done to Serizawa.
“I’m sorry.” A tear slipped down Reigen’s cheek, dripped off his chin, and he scrubbed at his face; he didn’t deserve to act this way, not when he’d brought it upon himself. He was a curse and one, it seemed, not so easily exorcised.
“I know.” And didn’t he always. His dear, sweet, kind, forgiving, soft-hearted Serizawa who never took and only gave. Someone as manipulative and greedy and ungrateful and ruined could never hope to understand.
“You shouldn’t have to know.” Despite his embarrassment he set the tea aside and curled into the arms so freely offered. “I should be able to--”
“I know.” And he kissed him so softly, so gently, as though he might break under the weight of how much Serizawa loved him though he didn’t deserve any of it. “You will.” The esper tucked him under his chin, soothed him as the tears came again, and spoke quietly. “You’re always moving so fast, ‘Taka.” The conman considered this, calming and centering himself with the rhythm of Serizawa thrumming under him, trying to listen, listen so he could do better for him. “Maybe it’s time to slow down and let yourself take the time you need.”
“I.” What did he mean? Slow down? But he wasn’t figuring it out quick enough. He never did. Not until it was too late.
“I know.” Serizawa folded him up, laid them both down and tucked them in. They had all day and Reigen was still too rattled to form a coherent thought in his head, let alone spit it out in a serious conversation. The esper could wait too, would wait forever if he had to. “I know.” Sweet touches were enough to send him slipping away with the tide of his remaining exhaustion. “And it’s okay.”