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Cyrus had experienced sadness plenty of times before. He had experienced disappointment, desolation, gloom. But never before had he experienced such a gut-wrenching disappointment as the despondence he felt seeing TJ wearing that stupid dribble shirt and not the summer costume like they had previously arranged.
It was dumb, really, crying over a costume for school. At least that's what Cyrus had told himself, albeit Andi and Buffy seemed to disagree. Yet he couldn't help it, after costume day, the only thing he seemed to be able to do was cry. And cry and cry and cry. His friends tried to be there for him, but Andi had things going on with her parents and Buffy was reforming her relationship with Marty; so Cyrus felt alone, surrounded by nothing but his own thoughts and countless tears.
He was disappointed, sad, and angry. So angry. Angry at Dr. Metcalf for putting on this stupid costume day. Angry at Jonah for ditching Andi, even though he had done the same thing. Angry at Kira for doing a costume with TJ. Angry at TJ for leaving him with no explanation. And mostly, he was angry at himself for believing that for once, he could be someone's first choice.
So Cyrus did was he does best, he pushed his emotions down as far as he could and acted like he was okay. Involuntarily, although not unfortunately, he pushed away TJ as well. In a way he had never done before. To anyone. He wasn't sure exactly why he did it. Maybe because he wasn't ready to accept the fact that TJ had ditched him. Possibly because he knew that if he looked at TJ, he'd start crying again and wouldn't be able to stop. Most plausibly though, because he didn't want TJ to confirm the fact that Cyrus was just a last resort. Like always. So he ignored him. He avoided him. And he definitely did not let himself think about him...
Avoiding his former friend actually did end up bringing Cyrus a strange sort of peace. He didn't feel bad for doing it, at least not as bad as he thought he should. TJ deserved a chance to explain, he knew that, but that would be on Cyrus's terms and no one else's. He was a kind person really, but he was soft. He apologized for things he had no reason to be sorry for. He forgave people without a second thought. He had an internal, and frankly incredible, capability to always see the best in people. Cyrus could not, however, find it in him to forgive TJ just yet. He wanted to, he really did, but a part of him saw red every time he thought of the boy and he knew he wasn't ready.
For three weeks he did it. Nearly a month of avoiding all attempts at contact TJ threw at him. He turned away when TJ appeared in the hallway to grab something out of his locker, he didn't respond to his text messages, he plugged his ears when Jonah came to him with a "TJ asked me to tell you this." It was petty, Cyrus knew this, but it was also healthy. He needed a break from TJ, a break from being nice all the time, from being used all the time.
To Cyrus, it wasn't even about TJ anymore. For the first week or so, it was. Without a doubt, it was all about TJ. His mind had been filled to the brim with memories, bits and pieces of every conversation they had ever had floating around, wondering where did he go wrong? But after seven awful days of blaming himself, an epiphany struck, and Cyrus realized that he wasn't at fault. It had never been his fault. So he wasn't just taking a break from TJ, but from the false persona of his that he showed to the world. He was no longer Cyrus, you can do whatever you want to me and I'll forgive you, Goodman, but rather, Cyrus, I'll treat you how you deserve to be treated until you apologize, Goodman.
---
It was a brisk Friday afternoon when everything changed. His mother had gotten home from work early, and Cyrus was pleasantly surprised to find her pulling a tray of cookies out of the oven as he walked into the kitchen.
"You've seemed kind of down lately, so I thought I'd make some cookies to cheer you up. I know you prefer muffins, but-"
Cyrus cut his mom off with a hug. "They look great, thanks Mom!"
Moments later, he found himself sitting across from her at the table, eagerly blowing at a cookie to cool it down.
"So... I know you hate it when I go all 'therapist' on you, but can you tell me what's been going on?"
Cyrus shrugged. "Nothing really. I guess I'm just lonely because all my friends have been busy."
"Well what about that TJ boy? He hasn't been over in a while, you should ask him to come by for dinner!"
Cyrus ignored the flaming hotness on his tongue as he took a very large bite of his cookie, attempting to buy a few seconds before responding to his mom.
Leslie seemed to notice his abrupt change of manner, "Oh, is he busy too?"
"No, Mom, he's just-," he clenched his fists together, magnetizing all the tension in the room, "Can I ask you something?"
Leslie set down her cookie, regaining eye contact with Cyrus. "What's up?"
"Well... how would you feel if I told you that I'm-" he paused to take a breath, "I mean, I- I don't know why this is so hard to-"
His body seemed to be frozen stiff. With shut eyes, he pictured the look on Buffy's face, on Andi's, on Jonah's. All supportive. All accepting. It had been too late for Bubbe Rose, but his mom was still there. In one swift motion, he let out all the air he'd been holding, opened his eyes, and let out the words.
"I'm gay."
Cyrus didn't know why he did it. Why he suddenly felt the inexplicable urge to tell his mother the very two words that he'd been keeping hidden for years. But he did it. And he wanted to do it again, and again. He wanted to shout it off rooftops and skyscrapers. He wanted to announce it to the entire world, because the feeling he felt at that moment was the most terrifying and most marvelous feeling he had ever felt.
"Oh, oh honey. Oh, my baby." Leslie was out of her seat in an instance, suddenly knelt down beside her son and enveloping him in a hug. She kissed his forehead and mumbled into his hair, "I'm so proud of you, Cy. I'm so proud."
Cyrus smiled, feeling the fear inside him melt away like butter. He decided that forgiveness for a certain someone could replace it.
---
With a newfound bravery swirling around inside him, Cyrus didn't even reread the message he typed out. No overthinking this time. He pressed send and didn't look back.
Hey TJ. I'm willing to listen to your explanation if you're still open to sharing it. I won't apologize for these last three weeks, because I'm not sorry. I don't have a reason to be, and realizing that has changed everything for me. I needed space and time and I hope you can understand that.
TJ texted back almost immediately, asking to meet at the swings. Cyrus grabbed his coat and headed out the door.
---
The sky had turned grey by the time Cyrus arrived at the park, tiny specks of white making up sparse clouds above him. TJ was already seated on a swing, head down and feet planted on the ground.
"You come here often," stated Cyrus. It was an observation, not a question. Nothing like the way TJ had said it nearly a year before. He knew it was true, TJ had been coming to this same place every single day for three weeks straight.
TJ looked up in surprise, despondence plastered across his face, but the corners of his lips twitched up. "Cyrus."
"Hey."
"I-there's so much I want to say to you, Cy-"
The clattering of the chains cut the boy off as Cyrus took a seat in the swing next to him. "Then say it," his tone wasn't snarky or rude, just strangely calm. "I'm all ears."
TJ gazed at him for a moment before staring back at the ground. "I'm so sorry, Cyrus. I really did want to do the costume with you."
"It's not the costume I'm upset about anymore, TJ. I just- I don't get why you couldn't have told me. A call would have been nice, a heads up that I would no longer be needing to wear a freaking colander on my head."
"I know, I know. I'm awful- I didn't call, because up until five minutes before leaving the house that morning, I did have on the summer costume! I really did want to do it with you."
Cyrus looked up at his friend, taking in the fervent look on his face. "Then why didn't you, Teej?" He watched as TJ took a breath in, and another, hands firmly grasped around the chains of the swing.
"Kira threatened me."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"She told me that if I didn't do the costume with her, she would-" he paused and took a shaky breath, "Oh, I can't even say it, Cy."
Cyrus could see the fear illuminating off of his friend's face. His voice softened, "TJ, why did she even want to do a costume with you? I thought you barely knew each other..."
"She came up to me a couple days before Costume Day and told me she had an idea for a costume, but I told her I was already doing one with you."
Cyrus nodded, beckoning him to continue.
"But then she started being, I don't know, weird."
"How so?"
"She kept asking, like she wouldn't take no for an answer. And then she started insinuating that there was a.. reason that I'd rather do it with you than with her."
"Of course you would, you don't even know her!"
"Yeah," TJ brought his hand up to his face, wiping at his eye, "I don't."
Confusion was painted all over the smaller boy's face. "So... why-"
"She walked away after I turned down her idea, but she had this-" he paused, "-smug look on her face. It was unsettling."
Cyrus watched as TJ continuously curled and uncurled his fingers on the swing chain, tension seeping from his body.
"I caught up with her and asked her why she even wanted to do the costume with me in the first place. All she said was that 'she's getting on the basketball team one way or another.'"
"Ohhh," muttered Cyrus, "She thought that if the other guys on the basketball team saw that you two did a costume together, they'd think you were friends and would be more willing to have her on the team."
"I guess so. But I could never be friends with her." The word tasted bitter on his tongue.
"Ok, well I see why she wanted to do the costume with you, but why did you agree?"
TJ's breaths sped up and his words crowded together. "Well, she um-" his chess tightened, "-she said that..."
Cyrus abruptly stood up and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, sensing his distress. All of his inquiry dissipated, concern filling it's place. "Hey, hey. It's okay, take your time."
TJ could barely choke the words out. "She said that if I didn't do the costume with her-"
Cyrus could hear the shakiness in his voice and tightened his grip on TJ's shoulder."
"-She would out me. To the entire school. And I just couldn't deal with that and I didn't know what to do and I'm sorry I bailed on you and-"
TJ's rambling was cut short as he looked at Cyrus, who had an unreadable expression on his face. Tears pricked his eyes and he glanced down again, shaking slightly but feeling warmth erupt from the spot where Cyrus's hand touched him.
"You're gay?" Cyrus finally asked, his voice dripping with compassion. "And Kira-" he paused, letting anger take over his tone, "-had the audacity to use it against you?"
Tears dripped down TJ's face as he nodded. "My parents don't even know. My own sister-" his voice broke, "-didn't even know. Cyrus I don't know how she-." The words that fell loosely out of his mouth came to an abrupt stop, now replaced by broken sobs.
"Hey, hey, its alright! It's alright. Come here." Cyrus held his arms out openly as he evaluated TJ's current state.
TJ stood up from the swing and walked into Cyrus arms, planting his head onto his shoulder and drenching both their shirts with tears.
Cyrus held him close and rubbed his back, whispering comforting words every so often.
TJ pulled back after a couple minutes, regaining control of his breath and wiping at his eyes. "Thank you, Cyrus." His voice was shaky but firm. "Thank you for being here and for not hating me, and I'm so sorry for everything, I wanted to tell you but-"
"I get it, TJ. It's okay. You didn't deserve what Kira did to you-" he hesitates for a moment before adding, "but I didn't deserve what you did to me, either. I'm sorry too, though, for not giving you an environment where you felt like you could talk about it. And for the record," he glanced up at TJ again, "I could never hate you."
TJ let out a soft smile and pulled Cyrus in for another hug. "I could never hate you either, Cy. Thank you. In fact, I think that's exactly how Kira knew I was gay. Apparently-" he paused and took a deep breath, "-I'm not as subtle as I think I am."
Cyrus looked nonplussed. "What?"
TJ gazed at him nervously. "I like you, Cy. More than I've ever liked anyone before. And it seems that Kira could pick up on that from a mile away." He gaged Cyrus's expression before adding, "And I don't expect you to say anything to that. I don't want it to ruin our friendship… I just wanted you to know."
"Teej-" breathed Cyrus, a grin taking over his face. "I like you too, you know."
For a second TJ looked shocked, but that was soon replaced with a sense of glee. Suddenly, the tears in his eyes were replaced with twinkles. "Really?"
"Really." He sat back down on the swing, grabbing TJ's hand in the process.
Their entwined fingers draped between them, causing butterflies in both their stomachs and smiles on their faces. They looked at each other, a sense of fondness floating in the air.
Yes, Cyrus thought. Yes, he's forgiven.