Chapter Text
Baz
I’m not sure how I ended up in this situation, sitting here in a small cafe, on a date with Simon Snow. Well, I know how I ended up on this date with Simon, but I’m really not sure how it turned into this, talking and actually enjoying it. I thought that it would be torture, but I find that I’m actually having fun.
I just wanted to take us away from Watford, away from all of the pressures and worries of being at that place. I wanted us to be able to have some privacy for our first date, partly because if it goes horribly, I don’t want witnesses, and partly because I just didn’t want an audience.
People are always watching Simon because he’s the Mage’s Heir, and I knew that it would only be worse if they saw the two of us on a date. They might even think that it was a trick, that I was only doing this so that I could break his heart on the end. The truth is, I’ll be the one who gets his heart broken when all of this is over.
Simon had been worried about us getting into trouble for leaving, but I told him not to worry about it. He’s the Mage’s heir, and the Families wouldn’t let the Mage get away with kicking me out. Otherwise, he probably would have done it a long time ago.
So, we took my car and just left. Usually, my father drops me off at the beginning of the year and my aunt picks me up for the holidays, but this year, I got to drive myself here. I’m still not supposed to leave school grounds without permission or whatever, but no one was around to stop us.
Simon looked over my car warily, like he was afraid it would bite him if he touched it.
“You drove here?” He asked.
“Yes.”
“How do I know that you’re a good driver? What if you get us killed?”
“I’m an excellent driver,” I sneered, rolling my eyes at him. Then, I remembered that I was supposed to be being nice to him since this was technically the beginning of the date, so I added, “I promise that I’m not going to kill you. That’s sort of the opposite of what I’m trying to achieve here, remember? I’m supposed to be taking you out on the best date of your life.”
He chewed on his lip, staying silent for a moment before he sighed and said, “I get car sick.”
It was my turn to be wary then. “You aren’t going to throw up in my car, are you?”
“No, I can handle it.”
I wasn’t sure if he was being honest or just strong headed, but I let it go.
“We can stay here if you want,” I told him, just in case. I didn’t want him to get sick, but he shook his head.
“I’ll be fine. Let’s go.”
When we got into town, he was paler than usual and looked a little shaken up, but when I asked him if he was alright, he said he was fine, so I dropped it. Then, I told him that he could pick wherever we went.
“I don’t have any money,” he said, worrying at his lower lip and running a hand through his hair.
“It’s a good thing that this is a date then and that I plan on treating you to whatever your heart desires.”
“Oh.”
“So, what do you want to do?”
He just shrugged, which was irritating, but I didn’t mention it.
“What about lunch?”
His eyes lit up, and I should have known that food would be the way to his heart. So, I led him to this little café, and now we’re sitting here in silence again. We were talking before, but now I’m watching him eat. It’s rude to stare, but I can’t seem to draw my eyes away from him.
I knew that taking him on a date would be a bad idea, and although this seems to be going well so far, I know that it won’t last. I’ll inevitably screw it up. Or, it will go really well, and I’ll have an even bigger problem because I’ll know what it’s like to go on a date with Simon and will be ruined for anyone else.
This date isn’t even real, but it’s going to wreck me. Even if I win this competition, I’ll still lose in the end.
The argument that started this whole thing was stupid, and a part of me wishes that I had just kept my mouth shut. A different, more masochistic part is ecstatic at the prospect of two dates with Simon because that’s got to be better than nothing. Right?
He was just being so irritatingly attractive yesterday, and I decided to pick a fight, trying to channel those feelings into something productive. I just didn’t expect things to go the way that they did, and honestly, I’m not even sure how it got to that point. I was just going for something that would provoke him, and there was no way that I could have anticipated this being the result of that.
“I bet that’s why Agatha broke up with you,” I sneered as we stood across from each other, knowing that it was a low blow, but I wanted to make him hurt the way that I hurt every time I look at him and have to force myself to remember how this will all end between us. “You were probably a terrible boyfriend.” I should take solace in the fact, but it doesn’t make my feelings go away.
“How would you know? You’ve never even dated anyone as far as I know. I bet you’d make a terrible boyfriend.”
“I’d make a wonderful boyfriend,” I said defensively.
“Oh yeah? Prove it.”
“Fine. I’ll take you out on a date and show you that I’d be a great boyfriend.”
“And then, I’ll take you out on a better date to show you that I’m a better boyfriend.”
“Fine, but I’m going to win.”
“Not likely.”
“Tomorrow afternoon. Lunchtime. We’re going on a date.”
It was like I was scheduling a fight instead of a date. That would have been the sane thing to do. Instead, I was planning to show him I would be a good boyfriend by dating him. It was a ridiculous idea, but neither of us tried to stop it.
“I’ll be there.”
“Good.”
I stormed out after that, needing some air and needing some time to plan what I was going to do. I couldn’t just do anything with him. If I only had one shot to take Simon on a date, I wanted to go all out, wanted it to be perfect. I wasn’t going to waste it by staying at Watford where we saw each other every day. I wanted a change of scenery.
That’s why we’re here, in a random café, eating lunch and talking. Well, not talking really because it’s difficult to carry on a conversation when he keeps shoveling food into his mouth, so I wait until his plate has been all but licked clean to try again.
“Where do you want to go next, Simon?” He looks at me wide-eyed, and I’m not sure what I’ve done to earn that look of shock on his face. “What’s wrong?”
“You called me Simon.”
“That’s your name isn’t it?”
“Yeah, but… never mind.”
“Alright. So, where to next?”
He shrugs, and I realize that this is something he does a lot, especially when he’s uncomfortable or when he has to make a choice or both. Maybe it would be better if I just made some suggestions.
“We could walk around,” I suggest. “And if you see a shop you want to go into, we can. There’s a little antique shop down the street that might be fun to look around in.”
He’s quiet for a long moment, and I worry that I’ve said the wrong thing. But then, he looks up to meet my eyes, and he’s wearing the smallest of smiles.
“That sounds alright,” he says.
***
We talk as we move down the pavement, paying no attention to the people we pass. It’s a little awkward since we’ve never really talked before. It’s always arguments and snide remarks between us, so this is something new, and we end up talking about the class that we’re supposed to be in right now.
This right here is so much better, though, and definitely worth whatever trouble we might get in for skipping.
“Have you done this before?” Simon asks.
“Done what?” I ask, stalling so that I don’t have to admit that, no, I’ve never gone on a date before.
“Skipped class and left Watford to walk around town.”
“Oh.” He wasn’t referring to dating. “Kind of. I’ve come to town once or twice with Dev and Niall, but it was on the weekend, so we didn’t have to skip class.”
“So, I’m special.”
“What?” I ask, nearly tripping over the flat ground.
He laughs a little, and the sound is like music to my ears. I straighten up and wave away the hand that he lifted to help steady me.
“What do you mean you’re special?” I ask, realizing too late how mean it sounds.
“Because you skipped class to go on a date with me.”
“Oh, it’s no big deal.”
Except it is, and Simon is definitely special. Not only is this my first date ever, but it also happens to be with the guy who I am hopelessly in love with. There is nothing more special than that.
“Do you want to stop in here?” I ask, gesturing at the thrift shop we’re walking by, hoping that the subject will be dropped.
He nods, and I reach out to grab the door handle, holding it open for him before following him in, walking close behind him.
The cashier greets us, and I ignore them as Simon starts up a conversation with them. I swear he could have a conversation with a doormat if he wanted. I don’t know how he manages to talk to everyone he meets, or why he would even want to.
I move into the store and begin looking around, keeping an eye on Simon and feeling a little bit jealous about the fact that he so easily slipped into a conversation with a complete stranger when we’ve barely managed to keep one going all day.
Annoyed at myself for being jealous, I turn away from them, still listening to their conversation. A couple of minutes later, I hear Simon walking up behind me.
“Hey,” he greets me.
I make a noncommittal noise and don’t look at him.
“Is something wrong?”
“Nope.”
“Come on, Baz. You’re lying.”
I sigh. “I’m fine. Sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“It doesn’t matter. Let’s look around, okay?”
“Okay,” he says with a nod, but he looks like he wants to ask more, so I turn and start walking down the aisle, knowing that he’ll follow me this time.
We explore nearly the entire store, picking up various items that pique our interest, but nothing seems worth buying. We laugh together at some of the more absurd items that sit on the shelves or hang from the walls, and I can’t believe that I’ve spent all of these years trying to make him angry when I should have been trying to make him smile and laugh. It’s so much better seeing him this way.
I’m the one following him now as we browse the shelves, paying more attention to him than any of the merchandise, which is why I see the way that his expression shifts when he picks something up.
Curious about what caused this change, I look down at his hand and see him holding a little goat figurine.
“Ebb would love this,” he says quietly.
“Do you want to buy it for her?”
He shakes his head regretfully before setting it back down on the shelf. “I don’t have any money.”
“Let me rephrase. Would you like me to buy it for you so that you can give it to her?”
He sighs, turning a glare on me. “Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Being nice, buying me things, spending money on me unnecessarily.”
“It’s a date. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?”
“It’s a fake date, so what’s the point?”
“I was trying to be nice.”
“Well, stop it. I don’t need your pity.”
“Pity? Is that seriously what you think this is about?”
“I don’t know what this is about!” He shouts in a whisper, trying not to attract the attention of the other patrons or the shop owner. “That’s what I’m asking you.”
“It’s not pity,” I say firmly.
“Then, what is it?”
“It’s—.” But I can’t say the words. I’m in love with you, and I want to give you the world . “It’s nothing,” I tell him, and then I turn and walk out of the shop that no longer seems to have enough air, not caring whether he follows me.
“Baz,” I hear from behind me as I step out onto the pavement.
I keep moving, needing some space for just a moment. I need a moment to think, to stop myself from doing something stupid. I can hear him following behind me, and I let him. I’m not trying to get away from him. I just need a moment
After passing a few storefronts, I slow, allowing him to catch up with me. When I can feel his presence, his magic, just behind me, I turn to face him.
“I’m sorry.” We both say it at the same time, and I’m relieved to see the corner of his mouth quirk up instead of the anger that I was expecting from him.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I know that you were just trying to be nice. It was unexpected, and I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to react to that.”
“You could just accept it,” I suggest. “It doesn’t have to be a big deal.”
“Money is a big deal to me. I don’t have anything that people don’t give me as handouts. My place at Watford was a handout. I shouldn’t be there, and it’s only because of the Mage that I am.”
“That’s not true. You’re the chosen one. Once you save us all, people will probably want to give you stuff all the time, so you might as well get used to it.”
“Is that why you’re doing it then?”
“No. That’s why I don’t do it. I mean, I can’t let you think that you’re better than everyone else.”
I expect him to get angry again, but he surprises me by laughing.
“Why are you laughing?” I ask.
“I’m not,” he wheezes. “I mean, I am, but only because this is ridiculous. You and I are out on a date .”
“Yeah, we are,” I say warily, still not understanding what’s so funny, but feeling the corners of my mouth start to turn up anyway.
“You don’t get it. We’re supposed to hate each other - on a normal day, we do. But today...today has been great. It’s the first time that you’ve ever said anything kind to me, and—.” The laughing slows, and he grows serious again. “And this is some of the most fun I’ve ever had, which is sad, I know, but I’ve never gotten to do anything like this before, and…”
He drifts off, but I know how that sentence ends.
“And you hate that it’s with me.”
“ No .” He shakes his head quickly. “No, that’s just it. I don’t hate that it’s you, and it’s funny and ridiculous because we could have spent the past seven years doing stuff like this, being friends.”
I want to agree with him. I want to laugh, too, but I can’t. I know the truth. He may not be able to see it, but I can. There is only one way that all of this ends.
“We couldn’t have,” I say. I’m not trying to upset him, but he has to see the truth. “We were always meant to be rivals, just like you were destined to save us all.”
“Who says?”
“The prophecy.”
“No. The prophecy only says that I’m supposed to save us all, not that we can’t be friends, but we can’t even be sure that it was about me. So, who’s to say that you and I can’t be friends?”
“I do.”
I regret it the moment that the words are out of my mouth.
His smile slowly falls from his face before his expression hardens. “Why do you get to decide?” He asks, the anger an underlayer of his tone, ready to break free.
“I don’t. This is just how it has to be. We’re on opposite sides of the war that is coming, and we don’t get a choice in the matter. When it comes down to it, we will have to fight, and there is no way that we both make it out alive. Being friends won’t change that. It will only make it worse.”
He’s still for a long moment, and I wait for the burst of magic that usually comes with his anger. There’s nothing, though. There’s no stirring of it in the air, and there’s not even a hint of the smell of smoke.
“Okay,” he says, sounding defeated, and my heart breaks for him.
He reaches out his hand, and for a moment, I’m sure that he’s going to grab my hand and pull me to him, but then he lets it fall to his side.
“Do you want to leave?” I ask quietly.
He shakes his head. “I want to go to the bookstore.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. This date doesn’t have to be all about me, and you love books.” He shrugs and looks away, refusing to meet my eyes.
I fall a little bit more in love with him, and I hate myself for what I said. But I had to. It’s the truth, and we won’t get anywhere by letting ourselves believe otherwise.
I wish it was different. I wish that we could be friends. Maybe in another life we would be, but not this one. In this one, we’re destined to meet on the battlefield, and only one of us will make it out alive.
He has no idea how much I wish that we could change things, that we could make it so that none of this has to happen. I wish that we could run away from the World of Mages and just be in love, but life doesn’t work that way.
Life is cruel. Life takes a sunny person like Simon Snow and breaks them. It isn’t fair, but life isn’t fair. It is what it is, and we just have to deal with it.
We keep our distance as we walk towards the bookshop on the other side of the street. Honestly, I saw it earlier and wanted to go in, but I didn’t think that Simon would want to, so I just kept walking, not saying anything about it. It amazes me that he knows that that’s exactly where I would want to go and that he’s taking me there.
In the shop, his eyes follow me as I browse the shelves, and if it were anyone else, it would be uncomfortable. But with Simon, it feels more like a curious gaze. I want to turn to him and smile, pretend like we didn’t just have a fight out on the pavement, but I don’t. It would be too confusing.
After a while, he trails off to look at a different section of the store, and this time, it’s my turn to watch him.
Things have calmed between us since we stepped into the shop, but maybe that’s only because we aren’t talking. I want to believe otherwise, but I know that I pushed him away too hard. There’s no coming back from that. When all of this is over, he’ll see that I was right.
***
After the bookshop, we visit a few other stores, but the sun has begun to set now. We’ll have to head back soon if we don’t want to end up locked out for the night.
“I know that you don’t like handouts, but do you want to get ice cream before we go?”
“You do know that you don’t have to spend a bunch of money on me in order to impress me, right? Just spending the day in town, walking around the shops and talking would have been fine.”
“Fine isn’t good enough,” I say. “I wanted this to be perfect.”
“Then, yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes, let’s get ice cream.”
I can’t help but smile at him as a wide grin spreads across his face, and I’m reminded of one of the reasons that I fell so hard for him. He’s so happy and alive, something that I’m not, but just being this close to it is almost like actually having it.
Simon’s mere presence can light up a room, and I envy Bunce, who gets to spend so much time in his presence without having to start an argument just to be near him.
***
The drive back to school is quiet and gives me time to think. Perhaps a little too much time because as the date winds down, I can feel the divide that still lies between me and Simon. Today was amazing, one of the best days of my life, but it’s tainted by the knowledge that none of it means anything. I try not to think about that as we get out of my car, but it’s a difficult feat.
It’s dinnertime, but neither of us move to make our way towards the dining hall. Instead, we head straight for Mummers House.
We seem to slow as we walk up the stairs to our room. I don’t want this day to end. It was perfect in so many ways and so much better than I ever could have imagined, and I’ve been imagining dating Simon for years now, so I have a lot of ideas about how it could have gone. I never thought that I would ever have this chance, and knowing that none of it was real might just be my undoing.
I slow to follow behind him as we near the top of the tower where our room is situated. I’m wondering whether I should just turn away now, make a break for it before I can hear him talk about how fake all of this was. I don’t want to face that right now - or ever. I’m beginning to hate myself a little for thinking that any of this was a good idea, and I still have to get through whatever date he has planned.
Maybe I’ll blow it off. It would mean that Simon won, but it would also mean that I wouldn’t have to sit through another date with him, knowing that it doesn’t mean anything even though it feels so real.
We reach the door to our room, and Simon turns to look at me where I hover on the top step, ready to flee at a moment’s notice.
“Well, good night,” I say, barely able to meet his eyes.
“No kiss?” He asks, and I have to meet his eyes. He looks almost serious, even though I’m almost certain that he doesn’t actually want me to kiss him. It’s more of a challenge.
And yes, I want to kiss him. Merlin, I’ve wanted to kiss him for years. But not like this. Not when it’s part of a competition.
“I don’t kiss on a first date.”
I don’t mention that I’ve never even been on a date before this or that I’ve never kissed anyone before either.
“What about the second date?”
“You’ll just have to wait and find out.” The words come out sounding calm, but my heart is racing.
“I guess this really is goodnight then.”
“I guess it is.”
“Are you coming in?”
“What? You expect me to stay the night when I won’t even kiss you?” I try to joke, but the words hurt to say.
This causes him to blush beautifully, and I almost smile at him. I should smile. It would seem friendlier and like a better end to a date, but I can’t do it. I can’t pretend like everything’s fine when I just had the most perfect first date, and it wasn’t even real. It was with a guy who despises me and who will never see me as anything other than his rival roommate.
“No, but you live here, too.”
“Yeah, but I’ve got something I’ve got to do.”
“This late?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll see you in the morning?”
“For our date?”
“No. Our date will be later in the day.”
“Hmm. Okay. Goodnight, Simon.”
Simon’s eyes widen again at the sound of his name, but he doesn’t comment on it this time.
“Night, Baz.”
I nod once before turning and finally fleeing. I try not to run as I head down to the Catacombs, both to feed and to just be alone in the dark. This date took a lot out of me, and there’s no going back to the way we were after this. I’m not sure I even want to.