Chapter Text
"Do not fear; I will help you" - Isaiah 41:13
Linda Stotch had embroidered this on a pillow during her pregnancy of her first and only child. This pillow had rested in the corner of the baby's crib after he was born, and for years afterward, he kept it on the foot of his bed. It was, at his worst times, a reminder that there was no situation God couldn't save him from. On a more earthly level, there was no situation his mother wouldn't at least try and save him from. Linda Stotch loved her son. His pale eyes gazing curiously up at her, the way his little fist would grab hold of her finger, his soft, blond hair that could never be managed. Leopold Stotch was the picture of innocence. From his careful toddle to pitiful cries that would wake up his parents during the night. He was the most beautiful and innocent baby a mother could dream of having.
Sixteen years later, Leopold Stotch would be staring at that pillow, which had turned from a gentle cream color to a grey over the years, and he'd wonder if that verse rang true. Certainly if his mother wanted to help him, she would've by now. She would've pulled her husband to the side and stopped him from driving their son across the state over nothing more than an accusation. And even then, if his mother couldn't help him, God would. God wouldn't let something like this happen to him.
Despite no attempt being made by Linda to stop her husband from taking Leopold away, she looked absolutely blank. So distant from emotion that she hadn't even responded when her son told her he loves her before the car rolled down the street. Leopold wasn't stupid. He knew what was happening to him. But he certainly didn't understand why: Why God would allow this to happen.
"Dad, please. This isn't necessary" he said thickly, trying not to let emotion overturn him. His father, Steven Stotch, had always been beyond careful with the way his son was raised. Everything about the household was met to the standards of God. Despite his best attempts to raise Leopold to be nothing short of angelic, the damage had already been done. Seventeen and a half years of living in small town Colorado had spoiled his little boy. And while maybe Leopold wasn't so little anymore, he still lived under the rules of the house and of God. The simple fact was that the boy's signs of homosexuality meant he had strayed a little too far from God. As his father, Steven vowed to being his boy back on the right path, even if it meant sending him away for a while. He was beyond sure that Camp New Grace would bring back the picture perfect Catholic son he had raised.
One explanation that this was for Leopold's own good and a firm goodbye later, the boy was left at the camp while his father drove back home. It couldn't be too bad, right? Camp is fun. It would be a good opportunity to make new friends for sure. Back in Steamboat Springs, Leopold was often the subject of bullying, and very rarely found someone who considered him a friend. Maybe the circumstances weren't ideal, but it was an opportunity.
However, the first person that Leopold talked to didn't seem too interested in becoming friends. In fact, the boy was sitting outside the entrance of the building sobbing into his hands. Butters asked if he was okay, but received no answer. So he flashed a sympathetic look to the boy and continued inside.
He was already registered. He was given a key to a room and a calendar itinerary by the old, grey woman at the front.
Leopold opened the door to his room. It was possibly the most dreary thing he had seen in his life. In fact, even the kid sitting on the bottom bunk bed looked quite grey, despite his fiery red hair.
"Hey" Leopold introduced quietly, trying not to startle the boy. He set his duffle bag to the side and approached his roommate. His wild, curly locks crowned his head modestly, and everything about his face was perfect. Leopold had been trained not to focus on vanity, but he couldn't help feeling jealous of the boy in front of him.
"Oh, hey" the redhead replied, giving a empty wave in Leopold's direction. He didn't look sad, at least not like the boy from the front did anyway, but he certainly looked disheartened.
"You wanna know a secret?" The boy asked, though Leopold had a feeling the question was quite rhetorical. His father loved to throw rhetorical questions at him, especially when he got in trouble.
"Okay"
The red head smirked. Had it been a movie, there definitely would be sinister music playing.
"I'm not even Catholic. My family is Jewish. Yet they're so afraid of me being gay that they went against their entire beliefs to send me here. Imagine that"
Leopold didn't know how to respond. He hadn't even learned the guy's name yet.
"Oh, uhm, geez. I'm sorry to hear that" he replied softly, taking a step away from the bed. The boy had noticed the fear seeping through Leopold's pores, and decompressed himself.
"I'm sorry, we're in a pretty shitty situation huh?"
Leopold nodded quietly, almost afraid to reply. He agreed, of course. He wished to be at home sitting with his mother on the couch, watching reruns of Full House and watching her embroider pillows as gifts. Upon this thought, Leopold remembered something he had stuffed in his duffle bag on his way out the door. But then he remembered his mother letting his dad send him away like this without a word, and wish he hadn't tucked the pillow in his bag last minute. It just wasn't true.
"Do not fear; I will help you" - Isaiah 41:13
No, his mother didn't help him.
"Hey man, are you okay?"
The red-headed boy gave a snap in Leopold's face and woke him from his frustration and confusion.
"Yeah, yeah" he muttered, shoving his twiddling fingers into his jeans.
"Well okay. Anyway, I forgot to tell you, but my name's Kyle"
Kyle. Short, sweet, and unpretentious. Leopold hated his name. It didn't suit him, and it reminded him of his father's strict tone. But there was no alternative. He didn't like it when people referred to him as "Leo". The only other name he'd ever been called was "Butters", which his favourite uncle had called him before his mom had asked him to stop calling her son that. The name never truly caught on, but it angered his parents enough that he relished it.
"Butters" he replied quietly, imagining the disapproving look his parents would give him had they been there. He loved it; he felt in control.
Kyle gave a curt nod and stretched out across the poorly constructed bunk bed. Because the bottom bunk had already been claimed, Butters was stuck on top. He sighed and hoisted himself up the ladder. Heights had never really been a problem for the boy, but the rickety loft bed was enough to make anyone uncomfortable. It was something he could tolerate though. Butters was beyond sure he'd be forced to tolerate much worse at Camp New Grace.
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Each new day was greeted with a lengthy sermon, given by a stocky, balding man that appeared to be about as thrilled to be there as everyone else. Verses upon verses were driven into Butters' head for three days straight. This is what the camp was calling "orientation". It was the camper's duty to know every verse by heart, and to follow them on his every action. It was the third and last day of orientation that the pastor read "Do not fear; I will help you. - Isaiah 41:13". It was then that Butters lost himself. Improvement was no longer on his mind. He did not want to be saved in the eyes of the Lord nor the eyes of his parents. He was locked in a state of barely existing, yet discovering himself at the same him. The moment the sermon was over, Butters stormed to his room and grabbed the little pillow from his still unpacked duffle bag and squeezed it.
"You're a liar, mom" He choked, every word burning on his tounge.
"You're a liar, and lying is a goddamn sin" he seethed, launching the pillow to the ground. He gave it a firm kick against the wall and then took a position of defeat on the floor. Boiling tears fell across his cheeks and dripped down, only to be absorbed by the dusty carpet. That was how Kyle found him when he entered the room.
"Butters?"
The redhead crouched down beside the other boy and placed an awkward hand on his trembling body.
"Hey dude, you're alright" Kyle said unhelpfully, not sure of how to handle a near stranger in such a situation. His hand traced small strokes on Butters' bony shoulder until his sobs fell into sniffles.
"C'mon man, let's go get lunch"
Kyle hoisted himself off the ground, then offered a hand to Butters, who took it apprehensively. The blond boy wiped the tears from under his eyes and let Kyle lead to the cafeteria.
The cafeteria was every bit depressing as the rooms were. The walls were a sad grey, and the decorations were unflattering pictures of Jesus on the cross. Butters couldn't look at them. They reminded him too much of the church he attended with his parents back home.
"Hey Butters, this is Stan. Him and his roommate live across the hall from us" Kyle said, gesturing to the approaching boy. If Butters wasn't questioning his sexuality before, he definitely was when he took a look at Stan. He took a seat next to Kyle, and Butters became entranced in his grey-green eyes. They were so angelic, yet mischievous. Soft, ebony hair laid over his forehead, and Butters felt almost jealous. He never liked being blond. It made him feel feminine and childish. Butters quickly pushed the thought away and turned his attention to his plate of overcooked spaghetti.
"Speaking of my roommate, if he calls me a fag one more time, I'm telling the pastor he's coming on to me" Stan snickered through a mouthful of spaghetti. His comment unsettled Butters though. He didn't think he'd have to deal with homophobic campers, that he'd just have to tolerate the adults.
"Do it, get that fatass thrown in confinement" Kyle scoffed.
The rest of lunch continued in comfortable silence before the boys were sent back to the room for "Study and Pray" time. They were expected to read through certain parts of the Bible, and then pray to God for forgiveness for their sins. Butters had begun to flip through his Bible until he saw Kyle recline back on his bed and close his eyes.
"Kyle, they want us to study" Butters whispered, afraid of getting his roommate in trouble.
"I'm Jewish, I don't read the Bible" Kyle said shortly, not opening his eyes.
"You're going to get in trouble" he warned.
"What do I have to lose?"
Butters considered this. What did he have to lose? He didn't want to be put in confinement, but it didn't sound much different than his current situation. Still, Butters had an odd fear of getting in trouble.
"I guess" he muttered, running his finger over the words of his Bible. With a swift motion, he pulled the book shut, and scooted it away from him.
"Gosh, I hope they don't come and check on us" Butters said, mostly to himself. He let himself rise from the table and stumble over to the bed.
"There's not much to do here, is there?" He said to Kyle, causing the other boy to open his eyes.
"Not really. At night Stan sneaks into our dorm and the two of us just talk sometimes"
"Woah woah woah, Stan's in here every night?" Butters asked in alarm. Kyle looked so nonchalant he was almost convinced this was entirely normal.
"Pretty much. You're a heavy sleeper dude" Kyle said, still leaning back lazily.
"Well, obviously!"
It's not that he was mad, just startled. And perhaps a little jealous he wasn't invited to hang out with the two of them. Kyle was the closest thing Butters had to a friend, so he'd have thought he would've been at least invited to their late-night hangouts. Unless...
"Is Stan your boyfriend?" Butters blurted out, defying all manners that had been knocked into his head.
Kyle blinked, but didn't show any kind of defensiveness.
"Man, I don't know. I've been trying to make it very clear I like him without actually saying it. The dude's pretty dense though. Do you think he likes me?"
"I...uh, I'm not sure"
Butters decided not to say anything to Kyle about being in a gay relationship with another camper was basically a VIP ticket to solitary confinement.
"Eh, maybe I need to be more obvious" Kyle said quietly, presumably to himself.
"I bet he does. He's always looking at you during the morning sermons."
Kyle perked up at this, and his freckled cheeks were tinged with pink.
"Ya think?" He asked, sounding more lively than Butters had ever seen him before. He tried to imagine liking someone as much as Kyle liked Stan. He'd never been that passionate about anyone, or anything really. He led such a restrictive life that he never had the opportunity to know what he wanted. He never did sports, never hung out with friends, never got to make childish mistakes. And at age seventeen, he still didn't even know how to be attracted to someone. He never got the chance to learn.
Without Butters even realizing it, Kyle was wistfully going on about a conversation he and Stan had had the night before.
"... told me I had nice hair, which was like super nice to hear because I've always been self-conscious of my hair. And even when Kenny was like 'Are you sure it's hair and not pubes', Stan was like 'Dude, that's not c-'"
"Who's Kenny?" Butters interrupted, shocked that a new name had been thrown around. He knew of Stan and Stan's roommate, Cartman. But Kenny hadn't been mentioned before.
"Kenny is Craig's roomate" Kyle said, as if this was something Butters should've already known. Never had he once been introduced to either Kenny or Craig.
"Who?"
"You know, that little asshole that's always flipping off the pastor when he turns around?"
"Oh, yeah. The really tall guy that's always wearing the hat"
"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, Craig's boyfriend Tweek was like 'Are you even allowed to say the word pubes in this place?', and then Kenny said 'I'll say whatever the fuck I want' and then he yelled the word 'pubes' so loud that he got put in solitary confinement" Kyle said. His freckled cheeks were flushed and he ran his hand through his wild curls. The smile on his face was so beaming, that for a second you couldn't even tell he was talking about a group of boys at a conversion camp. He looked so happy just having friends to share the terrible experience with.
"You should introduce me to all your friends" Butters said, worrying if the request was considered impolite. But he just had to know what it felt like to be surrounded by such good friends that you forget how miserable you are otherwise.
"Yeah dude, of course. We're out in the courtyard after breakfast" Kyle replied with a smile. Butters' heart fluttered. He was going to make his first ever friends.