Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Hizashi?!” the man in front of him asked, his voice was an amalgamation of different emotions; confusion, surprise, shock… And Hizashi had no idea what the guy’s problem was or how he even knew his name. He blinked.

The man pulled down the yellow goggles he was wearing and suddenly Hizashi understood – the second his eyes were caught by that intense – cold, calculating, nearly angry – dark stare that seemed to swallow all light. He would recognize those eyes anywhere.

Oh, Hizashi's mind softly exclaimed, sounding like a half awed, half shocked woosh of breath. That was Shouta… Aizawa? Were they still on first name basis?

“Well…” Hizashi said slowly, at a loss for words “This is awkward.”

Shouta's face darked at his words before it smoothed out into a blank mask “I trust you can take care of the rest yourself Yamada-san?” he was short and to the point and impersonal, voice wielding distant politeness like a honed blade.

Hizashi's eyes absent-mindedly fell down to the person laying – knocked out cold – on the ground in front of him. This night truly hadn't turned out how Hizashi had expected it.

He had only touched back down in Tokyo two months ago – after his lengthy, somewhat truly exhausting, stay in Europe to promote a music label outside of Japan. By now Hizashi had more or less adapted to ‘normality’ again, slipping back into his life and his old routine – starting a new hero contract with his old agency and getting a new spot on his old radio show.

Usually he didn't look forward to being trapped in the repetitive day in and day out of his life in Japan and normally he was always eager for any chance he got to travel and build his brand… but over the years Hizashi had found that the nearly overpowering pull of his wanderlust was gradually lessening – ebbing away.

Honestly, he was actually looking forward to settling down into his old life for the foreseeable future – meaning until his PR manager came up with another idea or chance that would sent Hizashi half around the world for months at a time.

He assumed he had been so caught up in his post-radio-work euphoria – the kind of giddiness he always got from a job well done – that he hadn't really paid attention to the person following him.

It had been a stupid mistake – someone like him, who was a celebrity and a hero too boot, should always be aware of the people around him and if they might be following after him… well, hindsight was always 20/20, wasn't it?

Hizashi had been caught off guard and the person had suddenly made a grab for him – and in the few moments it took him to calculate how loud he would be able to scream without busting all the windows around him – the problem had already resolved itself, thanks to a certain black clad hero who had jumped down from a close by roof and had slammed his knee right into the face of Hizashi's attacker.

The only that Hizashi was now facing an – arguably – even bigger problem… really, how was he supposed to react to seeing his ex in such a situation… especially since they really hadn't parted on the best of terms? In fact, the break-up had been so bad Hizashi hadn't even expected to run into Shouta ever again… especially in a city as big as Tokyo.

Honestly, ‘awkward’ didn't even begin to cover it.

He cleared his throat “This is your catch isn't it?” he nodded towards the person on the ground but Shouta's sharp eyes seemed to positively tear into Hizashi, ripping all his masks to shred and seeing right into his very soul – baring all his secrets.

Hizashi felt his breath stutter in his chest – Shouta's eyes had always been something else and even seven years of separation seemingly had done nothing to make him feel less exposed under that intense stare. He swallowed, feeling his throat click with dryness.

“I don't care for the money. You can have it.” Shouta gave back, tone devoid of any emotion but his words were sharp and clipped – Hizashi didn't even need to hear some kind of inflection in that monotone voice to know exactly what Shouta was thinking right now.

Strange how seemingly forgotten knowledge about another person just resurfaced at the strangest of times.

He watched as Shouta lifted his goggles back onto his face and then let his hand sink into the capture weapon around his neck – the material puffed up a little, curling and floating around Shouta as if it was sentient.

He was about to leave again, Hizashi realized, and to his utter surprise he felt a wave of dread and desperation crash into him. So for some unfathomable reason he opened his mouth to spew out the first thing that had popped into his mind.

“You look good you know. I mean it’s been seven years and time has really been kind to you.” he burst out, not really knowing what exactly he was saying or trying to say – just knowing he had to force out something.

He saw the way Shouta's brows drew down into a severe frown but other than that he couldn't read the other mans expression at all – what with the goggles being in the way and hiding Shouta's eyes.

Shouta didn't have to furrow his brows at him that way though… it wasn't as if Hizashi was lying. He did look good for 30. His hair had gotten a lot longer, no longer just brushing his shoulders but extending well past his shoulder blades, his eyes were as intense as ever and the small bit of scruff that had always been on Shouta's chin had grown – or maybe had been neglected long enough – to give him a kind of five o’clock shadow.

He seemed even broader than Hizashi remembered – even with his baggy, black jumpsuit hiding most of his physic – tall as ever, his long-fingered strong hands – still raised to his capture weapon – drawing Hizashi's eyes involuntarily.

Hizashi had always thought that Shouta was incredibly handsome – unfairly so for a man who put so little effort into his appearance, what with his smooth, fluffy mob of black hair that just always seemed soft and warm even though he didn't do anything beside washing it, and sometimes, when the fancy struck him, actually brushing it. Or his worn, loose fitting, old clothes. Or the way he seemingly still couldn't be bothered to shave most of the time.

Really, the years had only made Shouta even more beautiful – rugged in a way he hadn't been in his early twenties.

“Your hair has gotten longer.” was all that Shouta gave back, Hizashi could hear the mix of confusion and distrust in his voice – could nearly feel the doubtful, harsh stare Shouta was probably giving him from under his goggles.

He let out a soft giggle and raised a hand up to ruffle through his own hair – by now his outer layer, which also was the longest, was reaching all the way down to the top of his ass. It was definitely a lot longer than the shoulder-length strands he had had in his early twenties.

“Yeah, I let it grow out over the years, but there are a lot of magazine or add photos where you can see the progress over the years.”

“I don't keep up with the media.”

Hizashi's giggle was a little strained around the edges. Of course Shouta didn't, he had never been interested in celebrity's, or gossip or anything else that wasn't somehow related to his work. Really, Hizashi wasn't even surprised about the fact that Shouta hadn't followed his career, in fact, he would probably be more surprised if the other man had known about everything that had happened to him so far.

“Of course.” Hizashi tittered, trying for amused and carefree but probably missing the mark by quite a bit. Why was he even subjecting himself to this? Talking with his ex, in the middle of the night when it seemed very clear that both of them would rather be anywhere else right about now.

“I have to get back to work.” Shouta said – simple and blunt – and made to turn.

“I’m staying here for some time!” Hizashi blurted out while his brain shouted at him to just shut up and let it be… yet for some bizarre reason he just couldn't “Maybe we could meet up some time to catch up a little?” he didn't know why he was asking that, or why he sounded so hopeful and eager. That was obviously a terrible idea.

“No.”

Ouch! Well, trust Shouta to not mince words. It was somewhat comforting to know that some things just never seemed to change and one of them obviously was Shouta's direct and blunt way of speech that could be more than a little hurtful.

It had always been like that – Hizashi prattling and blabbering and trying to get his point across without getting side tracked too often, while Shouta was straight to the point and rarely spoke more than a few sentences at a time.

In fact, that had been one of the very reasons why they had broken up with each other. Shouta just… said things. And maybe they made sense for him but to Hizashi it often felt as if Shouta had jumped ten steps ahead and had reached a conclusion through steps that Hizashi couldn't possibly have reconstructed if he had wanted to.

At the end of their relationship it just had seemed like they had done nothing but talk at cross-purposes – unable to understand each other. They had always been two opposites, like two poles on a magnet. Most of the time it had been good, getting another perspective in, having another world-view to build a more rounded opinion about something…

But with their vast differences there had also been the fact that – while they hadn't fought often – the few times they had disagreed… well, it really hadn't been pretty. They were both prideful, and stubborn… and they had still been so young – barely out of their teens, still trying to find their own place in the world.

The breakup had been a lot of screaming on Hizashi's side and only a few calm, cold – cutting – words on Shouta's.

While Hizashi watched Shouta fiddling with his capture weapon he was also reminded of the fact that – for all his intelligence – he himself was a very emotional person and often tended to throw logic out the window in favour of his impulses. Shouta on the other hand had always been the rational one, in a sense he had been the eye to Hizashi's storm.

It was like that right now too, wasn't it?

Hizashi was lead by an inexplicable impulse to reconnect with a man he hadn't seen in seven years – a man that had probably changed so much in that time that he was nothing more than a stranger right now. And Shouta?

Shouta was the rational one, the one who remembered their ugly break up, and was mature enough to draw a line – mature enough to see that there was nothing worth to salvage or talk about. The one who realized that it was best if they just left everything as it was right now and didn't see each other again.

And truthfully? Shouta was probably right in that regard.

Over the years Hizashi had – sometimes grudgingly – realized that Shouta had been right about a great many things they had fought about in the past. And this right now was the same, wasn't it?

Hizashi found himself worrying his lip, caught at a cross-road and unable to decide which path was the best. In the end he bit his tongue to keep quiet… and it wasn't too long before Shouta had climbed the building beside them and made of into the night again.

Hizashi let out a bone-weary sigh, for a second his eyes flickered down to the person still sprawled on the ground. He hadn't felt this tired in a long time, he thought absent-mindedly, as he pulled out his phone to dial the local police station.

“Hello.” he greeted the officer on the other line “It’s Present Mic here, I have a bit of a situation on my hands right about now.”

The whole thing took longer than Hizashi would have liked but he just smiled through it, making jokes and flinging his hands to and fro, pulling a few silly faces here and there while, deep inside, he prayed that he would be able to go home soon.

After the whole thing with Shouta he really wasn't in the mood to be excitable or exuberant… he just wanted to get home, where no one could see him, and fling his media-friendly mask off – just be himself for a few hours without any kind of expectations or curious eyes watching him.

In the end it was already two in the morning when he stepped into his spacious apartment. He toes his shoes off and just let them lay where they had fallen – too … too something to pick them up and put them neatly against the wall. He flipped the light switch on and made his way into the kitchen to grab himself a bottle of water.

He let his eyes roam over his living room while he leaned against the door frame of the kitchen and sipped his water. Really, he should get to cleaning up sometime soon. His gaze swept from the clutter on the table in front of the couch, to the clutter on his work table on the far wall, to the clutter on the book shelves…

It wasn't like Hizashi could help it, he had a soft spot for knick-knacks and usually liked to pick up a few pieces here or there whenever he was in a new town – small souvenirs to remind him of his travels. And with the countless places he had visited over the years it was no wonder he had amassed quite the collection.

Printed postcards, small porcelain statues, tumblers and glasses with colourful renditions of cities or places painted on them, a few coins and notes here or there – pounds, and euros, and dollars – books, most of which were in English…

It wasn't as if his apartment was dirty or anything, in fact, he had only dusted two days ago, it was just… well, full. Full in a way that was no longer aesthetically pleasing to Hizashi, full in a way that he found irritating.

He took a sip of his water, his face pulling into a frown as he let the bottle in his hand sink down a little – leaning against his hip as he swallowed. He hadn't felt like this before but now that he thought about it it became kind of obvious why he hadn't really felt the need to buy anything on his stay in Europe a few months ago – he had thought about buying something but had just always dismissed it again after a few moments.

It was probably for the best that way, he wouldn't have had any more space for needless knick-knacks anyway.

Absent-mindedly Hizashi thought back to Shouta.

Shouta had always been organized, he was a minimalist at heart and really had had no interest in gathering unnecessary decorative pieces for their old apartment. Yet he had also never denied Hizashi his love for gathering mementos and figurines as long as Hizashi hadn't gone overboard with them.

In fact, Shouta had even made the effort to bring order into Hizashi's accumulated clutter…

Looking at all the different, mismatched pieces that were in his living room right now Hizashi was rather sure that – if faced with this disorder – even Shouta would throw his hands up in defeat.

Still, it was a moot point since Shouta obviously wasn't here and never would be. Hizashi didn't really know why he was thinking of Shouta so much all of a sudden. Sure, he had thought about him from time to time before… but not like this. He simply chalked it up to the unexpected run-in that had unlocked a bunch of stashed away memories and thoughts.

He finished his bottle of water and then made his way to the bathroom – turning the light in the living room off again as he went. He brushed his teeth and braided his hair into a loose three strand braid before he made his way to his bedroom.

He slipped into an old pyjama before he settled under the blankets of his bed. Yet, despite his exhaustion, sleep simply refused to come and he found himself silently staring at the dark ceiling of his bedroom instead.

He was irritated and on edge. If he was honest with himself, he had been irritated and on edge for months now – maybe it was even growing close to a year by now. His trip to Europe had, for some reason, taken a lot out of him.

Usually he lived for the bustle, he loved cities that never slept, he loved crowds of people and loud music and the attention that a small world tour brought to him… yet he had never before felt so drained by all of it. He now suddenly found himself wishing for a longer period of respite.

True, he normally hated the structured, unchanging day-in day-out of a normal every day life and he often grew bored and weary of it within a week or two of being back in Japan. Yet, confusingly enough, the two months and counting that he had already spent back home had stirred up no negative emotions in him – except maybe a vague sense dread for the next grand tour his PR department was very likely planing right now… and wasn't that strange and new and unexpected?

Hizashi was only 30 though, it couldn't be that he was already slowing down, could it? He had assumed it would take another 20 years at least before that kind of thing happened to him… yet here he was.

He found himself fiddling with the edge of his blanked – full of nervous, excess energy and nothing he could do with it right about now.

His constant travelling had always been a hotly discussed topic between Shouta and him… seven years ago… when they had still been close – two halves of the same whole… before they broke apart in a way that had felt like it could never be mended again.

Hizashi's fiddling fingers stopped in their track and he let out a half annoyed, half sardonic puff of air. Really, for a relationship that had been in the dump for seven years and counting he was thinking about Shouta an awful lot all of a sudden.

Maybe it was simply because he had never really found someone else with whom he had fit together in the way that he had fit with Shouta? He didn't quite know what he should think about that… Maybe it wasn't too weird though… Shouta and him had been childhood friends after all – well, more like teenage friends but to Hizashi there wasn't much difference.

Shouta had known all his embarrassing ticks and quirks long before they had even started dating and it had made Hizashi feel incredibly secure and appreciated once they had moved on from friendship to love – because he had known that Shouta wouldn't mind his antics.

With Shouta he had been able to just… be. Be himself, act silly, be angry and snarky, giggle and titter, make stupid voices, talk about anything and nothing… For a second he felt wistful. Shouta had always listened to his blabber, no matter if the topic actually had interested him or not and it had made Hizashi feel adored in a way that no one else had managed to evoke in him ever since.

Shouta also had been his opposite – but at the same time he hadn't been opposites at all. They had agreed on the most important things, they had been equals. And everything else? Well, that had been a thrill, sometimes a heated debate, sometimes a silly, good-natured squabble where they both had tried not to grin at each other.

Truly, being with Shouta had been demanding and – sometimes – infuriating, but in the most satisfying of ways. He had kept Hizashi on his toes, he had been unafraid to to tell him a piece of his mind and self-assured enough to put his foot down and argue his point if he deemed it necessary.

And Hizashi? Hizashi had loved it! He had loved having someone who could go toe to toe with him on his best days, who had been fuelling his curiosity, who had been rousing his want to debate a point only for the sake of discussing it and exploring all possible arguments – Shouta had nourished his intellect in the best way possible.

Sometimes, over the course of the last seven years – every blue moon or so – he had found himself wondering how everything between them had gone so wrong so fast.

Sure, they had always been stubborn – both of them – but Shouta had also never hesitated to reach out a hand once they had both cooled off again. Hizashi remembered that they sometimes would sit awake till the wee hours of the morning, explaining their individual standpoints to each other – making each other understand – and then trying to find a middle ground that could satisfy both of them.

… He wondered why they had stopped talking at some point. Why Shouta had started rebuilding his walls again and why he himself hadn't tried to somehow understand the reason behind it… instead Hizashi remembered getting angry – shouting and throwing a tantrum while Shouta just looked at him with that blank look in his eyes that he shot everyone else. But it had never been direct at Hizashi… at least before that.

Sometimes he wondered…

He took a shaky breath, still staring at the ceiling, his throat felt tight as a seven year old, well buried – seemingly not as well buried as he had thought – pain welled up again.

Finally he let out a huff of air through his nose as he turned onto his side and closed his eyes. He shouldn't think about it, he told himself even as he knew that that wouldn't help him. Between the two of them Shouta had always been the one who was able to just leave the past in the past.

In a way Hizashi had always admired Shouta for the way he lived in the present – for the way he always looked forward, towards the future, instead of backwards at events that could never be changed. Hizashi had always admired him for his talent of moving onwards and the way he refused to let himself be weighted down by unnecessary baggage.

Hizashi squeezed his eyes shut and, for an insane second, he wished that he could remember the breathing technique Shouta had always used to force his body to sleep. It had been something with holding the breath for a while… but any other detail was lost to time.

If he was being honest then a lot of his memories concerning Shouta had been lost to time by now… The knowledge stung. Some days it had felt like he had known Shouta better than the back of his own hand… some days it had felt like Shouta had known and understood him better than he himself ever had.

They had been two cogs in the same clockwork, gripping seamlessly into each other – but at some point one of the springs had broken and they both had been unable to find the broken piece, and then they had just stopped looking… and at the end the clock had sprung apart – the fingers flying off, the framework bending… and the cogs springing from their designated place, rolling under different pieces of furniture where they lay forgotten – gathering dust.

And so the clock had been thrown out – useless.

Dawn was already breaking by the time Hizashi finally managed to fall into a somewhat fitful sleep.

Hizashi awoke only a few hours later, feeling more drained than when he had gone to bed. For a second he simply stayed in bed, his cheek pressed into the pillow, one leg dangerously close to dangling off the bed… and then he flung his blanket off, shoved his glasses onto his nose and made his way to the bathroom.

Really, he had to get a grip on himself. He had been doing nothing but moping since yesterday evening – this morning? – half remembering old memories, mourning over something long cracked and discarded.

Honestly, Shouta’s and his relationship had ended seven years ago – it couldn't be healthy to be still weeping over it like an old dowager when so much time had passed already.

He didn't bother flipping on the light in the bathroom – the raising sun from outside that fell through the bathroom window already took care of that. He soaped up his hands, raising them to wash his face but he halted his movements mid-air.

He had forgotten to pull his glasses off again. He let out a somewhat resigned huff – this was happening much too often for him to still get mad over… but the feeling of disappointment at his own forgetfulness never quite left.

He tried pulling his glasses off, using his pointer and thumb to carefully pinch the bridge between both lenses – trying hard to only get minimal soap on it. When he had managed to pull them off he flicked his wrist in a familiar motion, both ear pieces folding, before he placed the glasses on the side of the sink and continued with his usual morning ritual.

Washing his face, brushing his teeth, combing his hair out – he was out of the bathroom barely ten minute later. He padded into the kitchen and grabbed the coffee pot to fill the coffee machine with water, he pulled out a filter and opened his cabinet where he kept his coffee… only to stop short.

He pulled out the glass container that usually held his ground coffee, he took in the pitiful amount of powder that was left on the very bottom – that wouldn't be enough.

He let out an annoyed huff – of course! After a night spent being hung up over his ex and a few unrestful hours of sleep that had only succeeded in making him feel like someone had run him over with a truck his coffee was empty.

Right when he would have needed it most. Typical!

Hizashi let out another huff. Well, c’est la vie, he thought and shoved the near empty glass container back into the cupboard.

Well, time to go to a cafe and get his fix of caffeine. Said and done, barely fifteen minutes later he was dressed and out of his apartment. He passed his usual coffee shop but stopped short as he saw the long queue – just a ridiculously long line of people that started in front of the register and ended outside of the store.

He watched as another person drew up to stand in line – they were tapping their foot on the pavement in clear annoyance, looking at their wrist watch.

Now that Hizashi thought about it it actually made sense – it was still early after all, these were probably all the people who were on their way to work and intended to pick up a coffee to go.

For a few moments Hizashi contemplated if he should just stand in line as well – but as he watched the line grow longer and longer he discarded that particular idea. He guessed it would be easier to just find a real cafe and sit down for breakfast and coffee instead of getting himself a coffee to go only to walk back to his apartment and cook his own food there.

And really? It wasn't like he needed to be somewhere right now – his hero patrol begun in the afternoon, and his radio show in the evening. He had all morning to himself. So he simply turned away from the crowd of people that were swarming the coffee shop like wasps would swarm a piece of fruit.

He walked a few blocks, making a beeline for one of his favourite cafes, moving around the people that were trying to get to work on time this early in the morning.

A flash of rumpled black suddenly caught his eye though and it made him stop. For a second it was like he had been frozen in place as his gaze followed no other than Shou… Aizawa. After all they seemingly were on last-name basis again.

Hizashi frowned. Aizawa usually wasn't awake this early in the morning, after all he worked night shifts what with being an underground hero and all.

He took in Aizawa's haggard looking face, his hopelessly tousled hair, the way his skin seemed even paler than it usually was and the way the shadows underneath his eyes seemed nearly purple – his frown darkened and a feeling of concern reared up inside him.

For a heartbeat he stood there, in the middle of the pavement – indecisive – before his legs started moving; he crossed the street and made his way to Aizawa.

Unsurprisingly the other man realized that someone was heading in his precise direction soon enough and turned to look over his shoulder – still as aware of his surroundings as always, Hizashi realized with a strange pang of nostalgia.

Aizawa's face darkened as recognition settled over his featured. The underground hero turned his head straight ahead again and quickened his step – a clear message: Leave me alone. Well… Hizashi had never been all that good at following instructions.

With a handful of long strides that were closer to jogging than walking Hizashi caught up with the other man.

“Morning Aizawa-kun!” he sing-songed, putting on a blinding media-friendly smile. Aizawa shot him a sidelong gaze and then scoffed as he took in his expression. He flickered his eyes to look straight ahead again, ignoring Hizashi.

Hizashi cringed internally, feeling like he had just put his foot in his mouth for some unexplainable reason. It was clear he had upset Aizawa but he couldn't quite figure out why – he had just said hello after all. He felt another pang of wistful nostalgia – something like that wouldn't have happened in the past.

When it became evident that Aizawa had no intention of returning his greeting and instead was seemingly trying hard to forget his very presence Hizashi turned his smile up another notch.

“What are you doing up so early in the morning? Don't tell me you have turned into a morning person over the last few years. I mean, not that that would be bad, it just seems very weird, you never were the early bird type, I mean, no offence but you have always been more like the second mouse and-” he was prattling and he knew it but he really couldn't stop.

Aizawa gave another irritated sounding scoff “Do you want something Yamada-san?” he asked sharply and stopped his step. He fixed Hizashi with an intense stare, his unnaturally dark eyes seemed to positively burn into Hizashi's very core. His voice was rough and deep – closer to a growl than to the smooth, dark timbre Hizashi remembered – clipped, impersonal, to the point, no embellishments.

Hizashi cleared his throat and let out an involuntary giggle – he saw Aizawa's eyes narrow at the noise and he felt like he had been found out. He didn't really know what there was to find out anyway but it didn't stop him from feeling like Aizawa could read his every thought, like the other man already knew his intentions before Hizashi himself was even aware of them.

He chewed on his bottom lip, trying to come up with something. Some kind of explanation, some kind of sentence that would just make everything feel right, some kind of monologue that would stop Aizawa from staring at him like that…

But all that blubbered out of him was a breathless sounding “You seem really tired, did you have a nightmare again?” his words were so fast they slurred into each other. He wanted to slap himself the second his brain realized what his mouth had just said. Still, Aizawa had asked him what he had wanted and the truth was that he had just wanted to make sure that the other man was okay.

The ragged, tired look and the near bruise like shadows under his eyes, seeing him awake so early in the morning… it had reminded Hizashi about all the times where he had woken up in the morning only to see Shouta already sitting in the kitchen, sitting at the table, mug of coffee forgotten and cold between the circle of his two palms and his eyes staring unseeingly at a fixed spot on the wall without taking anything in.

He still remembered the way Aizawa would blink at him – as if he had just been roused from a deep sleep – and the way he would just go back to drinking his cold coffee as if there had been nothing wrong in the first place… he still remembered that those had been the days that Aizawa had been seeking out his company in a very deliberate way and that on those days his touch had felt as if he was handling a delicate and fragile glass show-piece whenever he touched Hizashi.

And seeing him like this, alone, in the streets, walking who knew where just made Hizashi feel uneasy and worried – it made him feel like he had to do something, like he should at least make sure that Aizawa was okay…

It was self-satisfying, arrogant and maybe even egoistical, he knew. It wasn't like he had cared much for Aizawa's sleeping habits over the last few years. He hadn't spent any time at all dwelling on them if he was being truthful, and by all accounts he shouldn't be worrying now either.

But it was just a lot easier to conveniently forget about something when it didn't affect you personally as opposed to when you were actually face to face with what you didn't want to think about.

Maybe he was acting like an asshole right now – demanding some kind of explanation that he had no right to, after all Aizawa didn't own him anything. Or maybe it was the hero complex inside him kicking into high gear – it was, after all, something that just came with the job description of being an actual hero… Or maybe he just wanted to make himself fell better so he could pat himself on the back at the end of the day, because he had been so helpful and nice.

Maybe there was a different kind of reason and maybe, just maybe, it had something to do with the fact that even tousled and clearly sleep deprived Aizawa still looked very enticing. Maybe Hizashi was just horny… and the years they had spent apart hadn't made Aizawa any less handsome – in fact, Hizashi felt that it was actually the opposite.

Or, perhaps, it went even deeper than mere physical attraction – maybe it was the concern for someone he had once cared a great deal about paired with a lingering curiosity… wanting to see how much had changed and how much was still the same.

He didn't know, and it frustrated him. He was chewing on his bottom lip again.

Aizawa shot him a look – at first he seemed surprised, a little taken aback, somewhat confused and then his expression hardened, like water slowly freezing into solid ice “I don't see why that should be a concern of yours, Yamada-san.” his voice was cold and impersonal but the way he pressed his lips into a thin bloodless line and the hard curve of his jaw that betrayed his clenched teeth told Hizashi all he needed to know – and it made his heart ache in a way that he had nearly forgotten.

“The old one?” he prompted gently, praying to any higher power that might or might not be that his expression seemed open and non-judgmental. He knew that Aizawa saw all those things – the nightmares, his hectic schedule, the injuries and everything else – as merely another part of his work; the way an office worker might view a stiff neck after sitting in front of a computer for too long.

He knew that Aizawa had never cared for other peoples opinion, that he wouldn't accept any kind of pity, that he was an independent person and self-sufficient and he would never share what he thought of as private with people he considered stranger – because he believed that his life was non of their business.

Aizawa had always been closed off – there had been a time when Hizashi could move freely behind the walls he had around him but that had been a long time ago and now Hizashi was back to square one like anyone else who might find an interest in Aizawa.

Hizashi was rather aware of the fact that pushing for more could very well result in Aizawa pushing back – in a much less delicate manner.

Hizashi swallowed “The dark alleyway? After the rain?”

He saw the way Aizawa's jaw jumped, the way he obviously clenched and unclenched his jaw in some kind of unknown rhythm. His mouth was a nearly completely flat line at this point and his shoulders were squared and tense – he had drawn up from his usual slough to his full height, broad-shouldered and tall.

He was looming in a way that Hizashi had never been able to adequately describe. Sure, Aizawa and he were the same height, but Aizawa was broader, and heavier, and more muscled, stronger and faster, and when he drew up like this he seemed like a brick wall – an immovable object. It was his body language, the look in his eyes. His very presence took up space and demanded respect in a way that had absolutely nothing to do with mere physical height.

“I don't think that's any concern of yours.” he snapped again and his eyes seemed to burn. Hizashi had gently prodded and now Aizawa was shoving back with full force – pushing others away in the way he had always excelled in. He turned on his heel, stuffed his hands into his pockets and continued on his way.

For a second Hizashi just stood where he was, watching the tense line of Aizawa's shoulders… before he hastily caught up with the other man again. For a few moments Aizawa sped up his steps but when it became evident that he wouldn't be able to shake Hizashi off unless he broke into a sprint he just slowed his steps back down, walking at his normal speed.

It was frightening how familiar all of this was and how easily Hizashi found himself falling into step with the other man beside him – as if they had never stopped walking side by side.

It was quiet for several long moments and then Hizashi spoke up again, voice nearly a whisper, so no one but Aizawa would hear him “Was it the child again?” he asked in a whisper.

It was a good enough guess – from all the nightmares that Aizawa sometimes had this one had always been the most common one… the day he had seen his first corpse.

Hizashi remembered – in crystalline detail – that it had been a truly frightening night. He remembered being woken up by Aizawa returning from his patrol, something that hadn't really been all that unusual but had still been uncommon enough to draw his attention.

Aizawa normally made no real noise when he walked. His movements were so quiet in fact that Hizashi had regularly flinched when Aizawa had suddenly appeared behind him as if he had just materialized out of thin air.

Back then Hizashi had normally been woken up, not because of the noise Aizawa had been making but because the mattress had started shifting under the other mans weight when he had slipped into bed.

Still, Hizashi hadn't really thought anything of it that night and had simply settled a little deeper into bed, waiting for Aizawa to come to bed too. He had done so – after having taken worryingly long in the bathroom – and when he had finally slipped under the bed he had draw Hizashi so tightly against him that it had nearly felt like he had been trying to crush them into one person.

Hizashi remembered Aizawa's retelling of what happened. Dark alleyway, after the rain, everything slightly moist, smelling old and stale and sickly sweet like rot... Dipping into the alley, just a routine check to make sure nothing was amiss. A pile of garbage bags on a far wall and tiny, stiff, unmoving limbs poking out from between the trash.

The images had haunted Aizawa from that day onwards and Hizashi had always hated that he had been unable to do anything about it. He had been unable to truly help, all he had ever been able to do was drag Aizawa back to bed and comb his fingers through his hair until he had finally fallen asleep again hours later.

After a few long moments of silence Aizawa suddenly stopped and when Hizashi raised a questioning gaze at him all he saw was exhaustion.

“You already know. Why are you even asking?” Aizawa asked but it lacked in fire, merely a tired sounding inquiry.

Hizashi didn't really know what to answer. Why indeed? He wasn't sure. He chewed on his bottom lip, trying to come up with an explanation. His eyes involuntarily falling towards the ground.

Aizawa sighed and it made Hizashi look up towards the other man again “If we are done here?” Aizawa asked, more polite and indirect than Hizashi would have expected from him. Truthfully, there wasn't anything else, what could he even say? But leaving didn't feel right either. He tipped his head into his neck, looking up the building they had stopped in front and… wait a second!

“Oh...” Hizashi breathed “It’s the cat cafe.” he said as if he had just reached enlightenment.

“It is.” Aizawa dead-panned, his tone flat.

“Do you want to visit?”

“No, I just thought that I would stop here and look in from the window like some kind of stalker.” Aizawa rolled his eyes “What else would I want here?”

Hizashi let out a soft giggle “Sorry, sorry.” he tittered, amused at himself “It was a stupid question.” for a moment he simply looked up at the cat-shaped sign over the door when a sudden idea hit him “You know-” he began “I was out to get coffee anyway, you see, my ground coffee at home was empty, it’s why I'm up and about right now. And if memory serves then the cat cafe has coffee on their menu, quite a few varieties too. So...” he drew out the vowel a little, this was the hard part after all “Would you mind terribly if I joined you? I mean I understand if you don't want to have coffee with me, but I mean, it’s been quite a while and it would be a lie if I told you that I wasn't curious. We could catch up a little and pat some cats. It can be my treat if you want. I mean only if it would be-”

He was blabbering again and, again, Aizawa cut him off – saving him from his own big mouth. For a second Aizawa seemed nearly fondly-annoyed, that special, warm glint in his eyes that was painfully familiar to Hizashi – sadly it was gone again as fast as it had appeared.

“I can pay for myself.” was all he said but it was more than enough. Hizashi felt an involuntary grin cracking over his face as he followed Aizawa into the cat cafe.

They paid for their hour and then settled in a corner booth, a little more closed off from the rest of the cafe. Hizashi picked up one of the menus and started flipping through it – torn between blueberry pancakes and waffles with strawberries.

After only a few minutes a waitress approached their table “Are you ready to order or would you like a few more minutes to decide?” she asked, a bright but slightly vacant customer friendly smile on her face.

“A mug of black coffee.” Aizawa answered nearly immediately – Hizashi on the other hand hastily flipped to the hot drinks section of the menu.

“Ah...” he stalled for time as his eyes swept over the menu “A macchiato please and a plate of waffles.”

“Certainly. Chocolate or strawberry?”

“Strawberry.”

The waitress smiled and wrote the order down, before she excused herself and left both men alone again.

A strange kind of silence settled over them – it wasn't awkward per say, not in the uncomfortable way at least, but Hizashi still found himself at a loss for how to start a conversation without putting his foot in his mouth.

He looked up from where he had started picking at the table cloth when he heard Aizawa making kissy noises.

The other man was bowing down slightly, one arm outstretched and his fingers curled into his palm as he held his hand out to a cat that was watching them curiously only a few inches away from their table. The cat gave a chirping noise in answer and slowly traipsed over to Aizawa's hand. It sniffed at the man and then rubbed its head against Aizawa's knuckles a moment later – obviously deeming him worthy.

Aizawa had an adoring smile on his face as he started patting the cats head – he seemed softer around the edges like that.

Hizashi watched as Aizawa drew his hand back again and straightened in his seat – he let his arms fall to his sides, making room on his lap, the cat took the non verbal invitation and, with a slight wiggle of its butt, it jumped up onto Aizawa's lap, kneading its pawns down for a few moments before finally settling. It barely took any time at all before the cat started purring in obvious contentment.

Hizashi found himself smiling involuntarily at the image before him.

“How long are you going to stay here?” Aizawa asked, breaking the silence between them. Hizashi blinked, momentarily befuddled. His brows drew down into a confused frown.

“At the cafe?” he asked back. Aizawa just rolled his eyes at him.

“In Tokyo.” he clarified in a tone of voice that told Hizashi that Aizawa thought it an unnecessary addition. Aizawa had never liked repeating himself or adding pieces to a conversation that he thought should already be obviously understood.

“If nothing comes up then I'm going to stay put here for foreseeable future.” Hizashi answered. In truth he was actually hoping that nothing would come up in the months to come. The cabin fever he usually developed when he was staying at home too long had been curiously absent till now and instead had made room for a weird kind of resigned exasperation at the knowledge that he would probably soon need to depart again even if he might not want to.

Aizawa just gave a soft grunt in response, it sounded strangely disbelieving – sceptical even – and Hizashi pursed his lips at that. Still, it wasn't too strange of Aizawa to ask something like that, and his reaction wasn't too strange either, given what most of their fights had been about before their break up.

Hizashi pulled a media-friendly smile on his face “And what about you? What have you been up to the last few years?”

Aizawa's eyes narrowed slightly as they settled on Hizashi's face before his expression smoothed out again into his usual blank look “Nothing much. I got a teaching position at UA.” he added nonchalantly, as if it was no big deal.

Hizashi nearly chocked on air as he levelled a surprised look at the other man, his shook soon morphed into a genuine smile though “That’s amazing!” he exclaimed, excitedly “What kind of class?”

“Heroics.”

“Uhhh!” Hizashi cooed “That fits you so well!” he said and it was true. Aizawa had strong morals and a very unique way of approaching the whole ‘hero economy’ – best of all he had the attitude of ‘ask questions first, smash someone's skull second’ which was already a hug step above most heroes general idea of justice – which was more along the lines of ‘lay waste to an entire block of buildings first, break someone's spine second, ask questions if someone is still able to answer them third’.

Hizashi was positive that Aizawa's influence could only have a good effect on the next generations of heroes. And even if Aizawa's standards were somewhat unconventional, he was a hard-ass and could be rightfully scary so Hizashi was sure the children wouldn't try to undermine his authority for fear of Aizawa's wrath. Not that Aizawa was a monster or something – he could also be incredibly gentle when he wanted to be… Hizashi knew…

Aizawa blinked at him in that particular way of his that conveyed a wordless kind of mild surprise “What?” Hizashi asked, feeling suddenly rather self-conscious. Had he said something wrong again?

Aizawa just shrugged his shoulders “Most people are more sceptical of my potential as a teacher.” he threw out as if he was talking about the weather.

Hizashi let out a soft, somewhat displeased hum. Of course, most people only saw Aizawa's outer appearance and immediately judged his competences based on it. They didn't know how hard-working Aizawa was, or how soft he could be, or that one of his biggest problems wasn't that he didn't care but instead that he cared too much.

“Most people don't know you as well as I do… did… well...” Hizashi's at first so proud and self-satisfied words trailed off at the end and he cleared his throat awkwardly. It was a blessing when the waitress appeared to put down their orders on the table – Hizashi immediately shoved a fork full of waffles into his mouth so he would have an excuse to remain silent.

“I guess you do know me better than most people.” Aizawa agreed easily after the waitress had vanished again to attend to her other customers. He picked his coffee mug up and blew on the steaming brew a few times before taking a careful sip. His tone of voice held no hint of the awkwardness that Hizashi felt, in fact, he sounded more like he was stating a universal fact.

Hizashi swallowed and, after a moment of silence he said in a small voice, as if he was telling a secret “You know me better than most people too.”

Aizawa gave a half-huff, half-snort as if Hizashi had just said something utterly silly and implausible, yet he didn't respond to what Hizashi had said.

“It’s true!” Hizashi insisted but still, Aizawa remained silent in a way that screamed a loud and very sarcastic ‘Yeah, sure’ into Hizashi's face.

“What about you?” Aizawa asked he held his coffee cup cradled it between both his palms in a painfully familiar motion – for a second Hizashi's eyes were simply fixed on Aizawa's fingers, strong, long, scared fingers wrapped around fragile porcelain.

“Mh?”

Aizawa rolled his eyes again and let out a soft huff that sounded nearly fondly-annoyed “What have you been up to the last few years? I assume it is more interesting than what happened in my life”

“Oh...” Hizashi breathed and shoved a strawberry around on his plate “I mean, I guess? I have been kinda busy. I’ve been working on my hero image quite a bit, touring around the globe to gain more international fans, and I actually brought out a few lines of merchandise that are exclusive to the West. I started associating music label not too long ago and I just came back from a promotional tour for them, about two months ago. I renewed my contract with my old hero agency and now I'm currently just doing day-to-day life. You know, staying fit, going on patrol, stop crime, see and be seen. Not that there is any more work for someone with my quirk than before. I still only get called in for very specific cases and otherwise I just help others in the agency with investigation work, you know, putting my good grades to use.”

Aizawa hummed softly to signal that he was still listening and Hizashi took the permission for what it was and continued to prattle on.

“-It’s actually really annoying you know? I always feel like I could do more, hero work specifically, but it’s either just petty crime that any rookie could do or some big scale destructive battles and those really get on your nerves after a while. It just gets super boring down the line, you know, but I guess that's what you get when your quirk is too destructive for most cases, so all I can really do is pose and play up my persona… Not that that is necessarily a bad thing but you know how much I like excitement. I just can’t sit still for too long and I mean, I love my fans, I love get-togethers and signing autographs and stuff but we both know that that isn't all there is to hero work.”

Hizashi took a short moment to pause and shoved forkful of food into his mouth, he chewed and washed everything down with a gulp of coffee before he immediately continued – god, it was so good to finally let all of his thoughts blubber out like this, unrestrained and messy, without having to worry about what his conversation partner might think of him or if they were still even listening.

“I mean-” Hizashi started but had to stop again to swallow a second time so he wouldn't accidentally choke on his saliva. Aizawa though seemed to take the pause for a full stop, or maybe uncertainty, and gave a soft noise to signal that he was listening and that Hizashi should continue.

Hizashi had to swallow another time, this time though it was because he felt like he needed to get the suddenly forming lump in his throat down. God, it felt like it had been ages since somebody had just let him vent and blather on without dismissing him or looking incredibly bored.

“I mean-” Hizashi started again “I have actually been bringing it up with my boss and we are working on getting me involved in more small time stuff, kinda as a support or maybe more like the kind of person that is supposed to come up with a decent plan? Anyways, I'm really looking forward to seeing how that turns out.

Oh! By the by, did you know-”

+#+#+#

“And honestly, the guy is just impossible!” Hizashi said, swinging his arms in the air. There was a cat lounging on the far end of the table – it gave an irritated huff at his antics and then stood up to search for a quieter place to sleep. Hizashi didn't really notice “Like, I have seldomly seen anyone so incompetent and he gets paid for being a complete dunce, like, can you believe?! I wish I got paid to be a moron. Honestly, I don't know how he even got a job? Was he the only one turning in a CV? We don't know but the answer is: ‘probably’ and-”

+#+#+#+#+#+#

“And I swear to god if anyone asks me about a podcast again I will scream. I swear I will. Just full volume. Everyone and their grandmother is doing podcasts nowadays, really, what makes people think that I have more interesting things to say than all those other people? I'm not one of those people who are like ‘Ate waffles today! Hashtag morning, hashtag waffles, hashtag whatever is currently relevant’. Like, do people really want to hear me ranting for two hours about how shitty the latest superhero movie was? Or some obscure book I started reading that no one every heard about? I honestly doubt it… then again some people listen to everything and some other people just really enjoy hearing others rant for some reason. So maybe it would be kind of popular?”

+#+#+#+#+#+#+

“Really, if I have to live through another interview that is like: Oh hey, how is your work, what is your current goal oh and by the way are you fucking anyone right now? I’ll just stop taking interview offers. It’s like, super rude to constantly ask people about their junk and if they are using it to bump uglies with someone else. Why is everyone so obsessed about celebrities having relationships anyways? I mean, don't answer that, I know it’s this kind of idle curiosity because nothing ever happens in your own life so you want to vicariously live through someone else but jeez! Imagine how rude it would be for me to step outside and ask the next best person if they have a partner they fuck regularly. Like, that is non of my business but it’s like it’s some kind of major offence if you don't want to disclose every minor detail about your life when you are semi-famous-”

+#+#+#+#+#+#+#

Hizashi raised his glass to his lips only to realize that his macchiato was empty, he let out an offended squawk.

There was a snort and he raised his eyes to see Aizawa watching him with a warm and amused kind of fondness. Hizashi swallowed, his mouth suddenly even drier than it was before. Aizawa's dark, intense eyes were fixed on him attentively, the intervals between his blinks much too long to seem normal – which in itself was actually quite normal for Aizawa, who’s entire career depended on not blinking.

“The hour is nearly over.” Aizawa mentioned off-handedly and wow, had it really been an hour already? It felt like he had simultaneously been talking for ages and no more than a few minutes.

“Ah…” Hizashi said lamely “Sorry, I’ve only been talking about myself the whole time.” he felt himself becoming somewhat flustered.

Aizawa just shrugged “I don't mind.” he said simply “There isn't much happening in my life that is worth talking about.”

Hizashi let out another offended squawk and it made Aizawa raise his eyes back to him “Well, I think it’s worth talking about. I'm curious.”

Aizawa snorted “You were always too curious for your own good.” he huffed out, amused “Curiosity killed the cat.” he chided with no fire.

“But satisfaction brought it back!” Hizashi immediately shot back, grinning. This was exactly like one of their old banters. It felt so natural, the words felt so familiar on his tongue, the grin came without him even having to try.

“You know what?” Hizashi asked, in a sudden moment of madness “We should exchange numbers and meet up again some time so I can interrogate you a little about your life.”

The amusement suddenly left Aizawa's expression and instead his mouth thinned. He looked doubtful “I don't think that's a good idea.” he finally said.

Hizashi's grin froze on his lips as he realized that, yes, this was an abysmal idea, after all there had been a reason why they had both decided to stop having contact with each other after their break up – why they decided that even just being friends would be a disastrous plan.

But for the life of him Hizashi couldn't remember a single one of the reasons for that agreement right now.

This thing between them was effortless, and familiar, and comfortable and just… nice. Really, just because they were exes it didn't mean that they couldn't go back to being friends.

“Aww.” Hizashi cooed, half playful half serious “Don’t be such a spoilsport!”

Aizawa's eyes flickered between both of his, as if he was searching for something, his intense gaze was burrowing straight into Hizashi's very being – for some bizarre reason it made Hizashi shudder in something not unlike excitement.

Maybe it was that excitement that made him push harder “Come on. It’s just going to be a meeting to catch up a bit more. There’s so much stuff that has happened over the last seven years, it’s not that weird that we need more than one hour of coffee to fully catch up with each other.”

Aizawa's face became unreadable, his expression turning blank. Hizashi watched as the other man raised his hand to brush it through his hair, stroking down the length of it before it settled in the nook between his shoulder and neck.

It was an obvious sign to Hizashi, he knew Aizawa long enough to recognize that particular tick instantly – Aizawa was thinking his proposal over cautiously. And, nearly like a reflexive response, Hizashi started chewing on his bottom lip absent-mindedly.

When Aizawa was deep in thought about something like he was right now then it really could go both ways. Aizawa thought differently than him, in bigger leaps and bounds, often with an end goal in mind, and when something didn't help him reach that goal it was often discarded without hesitation.

In the end Aizawa let out a soft huff “Do you have anything to write on?”

Hizashi's expression immediately brightened and he fumbled in his pocket to get his phone out, he drew up his contacts and clicked on the ‘new contact’ button before he pushed the small device towards Aizawa.

“You can just directly type it in.” he beamed at the other man “Just press the hook when you're done to save it.”

Aizawa nodded in a grave fashion that made Hizashi's grin soften out into a warm smile – Aizawa was always so serious about everything, that hadn't changed at all, when he put his mind to something it was like there was nothing that he couldn't do.

Hizashi had always admired that.

Aizawa typed his number into Hizashi's phone and, after reaching the device over to the other man again, raised his hand to wave the waitress over “Check please.”

Hizashi meanwhile, was grinning at his phone like a fool. He was close to vibrating in his seat, he couldn't wait for the next time Aizawa and him could meet up. He still had to tell the other man so much and he was truly curious about Aizawa's own life, even if he would just tell him about mundane day-to-day happen stances.

Hizashi looked up from his phone again when the waitress appeared beside him. Both Aizawa and he paid up and the second the waitress was gone again Aizawa stood up from his seat. It felt comically final and Hizashi jumped up as well so they could both walk out of the cat cafe side by side.

“See you around then.” Hizashi said – pushed, really, to remind Aizawa about the fact that he was fully expecting a follow up meeting. Aizawa just gave a grunt as answer.

Once they stepped outside the sun hit Aizawa's face in a way that the light inside the cafe hadn't managed to – it highlighted the dark shadows under his eyes and drew attention to the exhausted features of his face.

“Try and get some sleep, yeah?” Hizashi prompted gently, worry gnawing at him. Aizawa's eyes immediately fixed on him like the dot of a sniper rifle, for a few moments it was deadly quiet and then Aizawa's face softened in that miniscule way that anyone else would miss – but not Hizashi.

“I’ll try.” Aizawa conceded before he turned on his heel to walk – presumably – back to his home.

Hizashi watched him until he had disappeared in the crowd.

+#+#+#+#+#+#+#

The first – well, actually the second – meeting had made Hizashi unreasonably nervous and he had spent a good hour in front of his wardrobe, trying on different clothes, posing in front of the mirror and then discarding his choice in fashion again before he had pulled out the next outfit. In the end he had settled on a dark button down and a pair of nice blue motive jeans.

He didn't know why he had been so anxious, Aizawa probably hadn't even noticed the effort he had put into choosing his outfit, or the way he had braided his long hair into a fishtail, which had been a right challenge in and of itself and had taken nearly an hour as well, or the whiff of cologne he had worn.

Aizawa had never been one for expensive clothes or time consuming hair styles but that knowledge hadn't stopped Hizashi's mind nagging him that he should look his very best – dressed to impress… a man who wasn't impressed by clothes…

It had been illogical, to borrow Aizawa's vocabulary.

Still, the get together at the cafe had been nothing if not nice and both of them had wasted a huge chunk of their time talking about books.

Aizawa had always liked to read in his free time and it was nice to know that that hadn't changed, and Hizashi was more than eager to hear about Aizawa's interpretations and the following explanations as to why he had read something the way he had.

Talking to Aizawa about book had always been like sitting in an advanced literature class and Hizashi had always enjoyed it immensely.

They had promised each other to meet up again after that.

The third time they had met up it had been for a kind of early dinner, after Hizashi's patrol and before his radio show or Shouta's own patrol had started. It had been relaxed and easy, a fact that was only aided by the comfortable atmosphere of the family dinner they were in. It had also been the first time Hizashi had managed to make Aizawa laugh – not a snort, not a chuckle, no. An honest to god laugh, dark and amused and Hizashi's chest had felt like it had been swelling to double its normal size as he had watched the way Aizawa's eyes had crinkled at the corners – only a hint of a hint of crows feet visible. They had both grown old hadn't they? Not that thirty was old per say, but it definitely wasn't twenty three anymore.

In the time leading up to the forth meet up Hizashi had grown bold enough to start texting Aizawa about mundane things that happened in his life – mentioning news articles he had read, sending links to videos he had found interesting, venting about his work day, ranting about the evening program on TV and making fun of the horrible special effects. And, surprisingly enough Aizawa had texted back – at least to the things he seemed to find intriguing, sharing a few of his own opinions on the current state of the media or comforting Hizashi about his woos in that tough-love kind of way he had – always honest though, always well meaning even if his words were blunt. Hizashi knew better than to take it the wrong way, after all he knew Aizawa's peculiarities and he appreciated the nice gesture for what it was.

During the fifth they had agreed to use first names again and Hizashi had been downright ecstatic, nearly vibrating in his seat. He didn't know why but something had just always felt wrong when he had said ‘Aizawa-kun’ to the point where he had tried to avoid directly addressing Shouta with his name. Shouta's first name just rolled of his tongue so much better, his lips forming the familiar vowels and consonants easily.

The sixth one had been a quick half hour of getting lunch together during one of Shouta's free periods. They hadn't talked much, just a little chit chat about some of Shouta's students and the current curriculum but it had still made Hizashi incredibly happy and it had put a skip in his steps for the rest of the day.

The seventh one – that was currently in the process of unfolding – was dinner again, in a small decidedly not fancy but still very homely restaurant. The dim light of the lamp from above and the flickering fire from the candle on the table bathed half of Shouta's face in soft shadows, the play of light and dark drew attention to the sharp cut of his strong jaw and his long, straight nose… and to his thin lips, the dip where his upper lip meet his bottom one.

And in that very instant Hizashi – who was warm and loose from wine and laughter and the heat of the room – finally realized that it might have been a bad idea to start meeting up with his ex again… with the very man that he had never truly gotten over.

Shouta had always been handsome in Hizashi's eyes, attractive and intriguing, his appearance, his character, the way he could keep Hizashi on his toes and the way he satisfied him not only physically but emotionally as well as intellectually. He had always drawn Hizashi in like a flame might do a moth. Sure, some things had changed over time but even more… hadn't – the more it changed the more it seemed to stay the same.

They still agreed on the fundamental things, their political views, their morals, their ideas of justice and everything else? Well, it could always be worked out… expect not, because in the end they had still split up because they had been unable to truly understand each other in the way they had needed.

Then again, both of them were seven years wiser now weren't they? Seven years more experience under their belt.

And in the dim – somewhat romantic – lighting of the restaurant, with Shouta's wide, toothy grin that had always charmed Hizashi, even if it terrified everyone else, right there in front of his eyes, it was easy to see that it might be a bad idea but it was hard to remember why exactly it was bad – like a fact you had picked up somewhere along the way but you couldn't remember where exactly it had come from or why it had been important at the time. Just knowing something without context or reason.

Hizashi was sure that he was probably staring at Shouta all starry eyed and moony but he couldn't quite help it – befriending Shouta again after seven years had been all too easy and falling back in love with him had been easier still, effortless and natural, as if he had never stopped in the first place.

Shouta hit all his check marks – always had – and with the warm comfort Hizashi had found – rediscovered – in his company it was only too predictable that he would end up back where he had begun. Head over heels. Back to start. Hey, DJ play the same song again!

He should probably be upset about that… He wasn't.

At the end of the evening Shouta was walking him home – the official reason was that Hizashi was tipsy, which was true, fair enough – the unofficial reason was that Shouta had always been a protective man and he was likely worried that something could happen to Hizashi in his tipsy state. The thought flooded Hizashi with warmth and he couldn't stop a goofy grin from appearing on his face. Shouta just was so soft sometimes.

At some point they reached Hizashi's front door.

“Thanks for walking me home.” Hizashi said – giggled really – the walk home had cleared the alcohol from his system and he was more or less sober again. He still felt giddy, though that had more to do with Shouta's presence.

Shouta just gave a fond huff, a half smile pulling the corner of his mouth up slightly. But god, did he look beautiful right now. Gorgeous. Hizashi smiled back. They were still close, standing as they were, and Hizashi could feel the other mans warmth seeping into him. Shouta's bottomless eyes drew Hizashi's gaze, drew his attention and made him lean closer.

The air seemed charged, excited anticipation was sparking along Hizashi's spine as he flicked his tongue over his lips, wetting them and leaving them slightly opened. Shouta's presence was intoxicating in its own right and Hizashi couldn't remember ever wanting someone as much as he wanted Shouta.

He had had others relationships over the years… but no one had made him feel quite like this. Listened to and appreciated for who he was underneath all his many masks and his smiles. Loved for being himself, not for his fame, or his names, or his money. His eyes momentarily flickered down to Shouta's lips and then up to his dark eyes again. Hizashi's own eyes became half-lidded as he leaned closer still…

Suddenly there were two calloused, strong hands on his shoulders… they pushed him away.

“This is a bad idea Hizashi.” Shouta said, his expression serious and sombre, his slightly chapped – inviting – lips pressed into a thin line, his jaw jumped.

“Is it though?” Hizashi challenged.

“Yes.” blunt, harsh, no embellishment, nothing to soften the blow “We both know this won’t work out.”

“We are older.”

“So? You are still you and I am still me.”

“We are more experienced, we can make it work.”

“We can’t.” Shouta pushed him back more till there was a good bit of distance between them. He leaned away then, lifting his hands from Hizashi's shoulders and stuffing them into his pockets as he levelled an even gaze at the man in front of him “We both want different things, things that we can’t give each other. It didn't work out before and it won’t work out now, no matter how old we get or how much more life experience we might have.”

There was a beat of silence. Hizashi's heart was a cold, heavy lump in behind the bows of his ribs, he felt like someone had just dumped a bucket of ice water on him, the muscles in his chest clenching in a kind of phantom pain that he couldn't describe and that radiated through his whole body, down to his fingers, stinging underneath his very nails.

“We should stop meeting up.” Shouta added after a few moments, his face was that same blank expression that he had worn the day he had walked out of their shared home all those years ago, his eyes seemed void.

Hizashi's heart ached, like his ribcage had just splintered and the sharp, jagged bone fragments were now tearing his insides asunder.

He opened his mouth, angry and hurt and ready to lash out… like he had back then – like nothing had changed after all, like they were still in their early twenties. For a second their last argument flashed through his mind in vivid, high-contrasting and oversaturated colours, too sharp – too clear. Painful.

+#+#+#+#+#+#+#+#+#+#+#

Hizashi was ecstatic, he took the stairs two at a time, and he was so full of energy that he nearly fumbled the key as he tried to slot it into the keyhole. He flung the door open “Shouta!” he yelled as he stepped into the apartment. He bumped his hip into the door and it shut again as he hastily pulled his shoes off. He threw them into the corner beside Shouta's own neatly placed pair of shoes.

He jumped into the living room – where Shouta currently sat bowed over a bunch of papers; probably reports.

“Welcome home.” he greeted and Hizashi's seemingly permanent grin only broadened.

“I’m home!” he shouted, full of exuberance before he flung himself down on top of the other man. Shouta let out a soft grunt at the impact but otherwise he stayed quiet – he raised an arm though to wrap it around Hizashi's waist in a half hug. For a second Hizashi could feel the press of lips against his temple and the brush of stubbles against his cheekbone. He was sure his cheeks would start hurting any second now from how wide he was smiling.

“Something amazing happened today Shou-chan!” Hizashi started, giddily. He drew away a little so he could see Shouta's face.

Shouta let out a soft snort “Is that why you are so full of beans right now? Even more so than usual?” there was a half smile on his face though, and it was clear that he was just teasing good-naturedly.

Hizashi gave a soft titter at the other mans words before he continued “My agency wants to bring out another line of merchandise.” Hizashi started and Shouta gave a short nod, his dark eyes trailing back to the report on his table, he hummed for Hizashi to continue as he set his pen down on the paper again to continue writing – his left arm was still slung around Hizashi's waist though and there was a thumb that was drawing gentle circles into Hizashi's lower back.

“Yeah, they want to expand to the West.” Hizashi went on and Shouta gave another hum as he crossed off one of the boxes on the paper in front of him.

“So they are sending me over to Europe to promote myself!” Hizashi said, he was positively vibrating right about now.

He had been waiting for the next opportunity to leave Tokyo like a cat would wait in front of a mouse hole. There was so much to see in Europe after all, all the different countries, and languages, and foods, and buildings – and there was so much that he had already seen in Japan, so much he was already bored of.

Sitting in Tokyo for too long just gave him the worst case of cabin fever, especially when he knew that there was a whole world out there – a whole world that he could explore and experience, so many thing he didn't know and that he could find out, so many different people he could meet.

Hizashi felt like there was so much going on in the world around him but he was always stuck in one place. Thankfully his agency always seemed eager to find new markets to expand to – new ways to cash in Hizashi's profile and popularity. Sure, it was a money grubbing mentality but it gave Hizashi enough opportunities to get out and see the world – so really, if his agency used him then Hizashi had no qualms using them right back for his own selfish gain.

Shouta's pen had frozen in mid-air and Hizashi saw him blinking at the report in front of him as if it was suddenly written in Sumerian cuneiform. Slowly he turned his head to fix his eyes on Hizashi, he blinked once more before he spoke up, words just as slow as his movements.

“You only came back two month ago from your trip to the US.” he pointed out – for some weird reason – his brows drew together, his mouth flattened the tiniest bit.

Hizashi's own grin slowly slipped off his face. Of course! It was always the same with Shouta, everytime he came home with amazing news about his career and a – metaphorical – bag full of opportunities in another country Shouta just had to rain on his parade.

Really, it wasn't like Hizashi expected him to throw him a party everytime something like this happened but just a simple ‘Congratulations’ would be nice once in a while.

“But that was something completely different. That thing in the US was an exchange, don't you remember?” Hizashi asked incredulous.

For a second Shouta's mouth thinned further, lips pressed into a bloodless line, his jaw standing out sharper than it had a moment ago – and then his face smoothed out completely, a blank expression slipping over his features.

“I see.” he said simply and gave a short nod before he turned his head back to his report, for a second his eyes scanned over the page to find the point where he had left off and then he resumed his work again “When will you fly?” he asked and he couldn't have sounded more disinterested if he had put effort into it. His thumb had stopped its caressing motions by now.

“In two weeks.” Hizashi answered short, snappy and slightly bitter. Shouta's reaction just irritated him beyond reason. Truly, what had suddenly crawled up his ass and died?! Hizashi had been so excited before but now his positive high was swinging over into a negative high.

“I see.” Shouta repeated and then fell silent, the conversation was seemingly done for him. Hizashi waited another moment – waiting for any kind of follow up question that would hint at some deeper interest or maybe an impressed sounding comment, some kind of ‘nicely done’… anything but Shouta's usual blank face. But no.

The room was quiet.

Hizashi let out a frustrated huff and made to stand up, Shouta let his arm slip away from around his waist immediately and he shove up to his feet immediately, looking down on Shouta.

“Really, what’s your problem?!” Hizashi muttered angrily under his breath. He nearly flinched when Shouta's head snapped in his direction, fast and near mechanical, and for one silly second Hizashi was reminded of a jump scare in a horror game or a snake attacking a mouse.

“What is my problem? Do you really have to ask that?” Shouta asked sardonically, in the kind of voice that seemed to imply that Hizashi was some kind of idiot who truly should know better. Well, he didn't! And the fact that Shouta seemingly thought him a clueless moron for it only made the anger bubble up hotter inside his veins.

He opened his mouth but Shouta cut him off before he even got the first word out “How long will you be in Europe?” he asked, tone snappy.

Hizashi, momentarily stumped by the sudden change in topic unthinkingly answered on autopilot “Three months.” he saw Shouta's jaw jump.

“You have been in the US for two months, and after another two month here you're going on a trip to Europe for three. That makes five months overseas this year alone and it isn't even autumn yet.” Shouta pointed out, his voice dark, his eyes burning “And you're honest to god, asking me what my problem is?” he asked carefully.

“Yeah, I do!” Hizashi barked back, much louder and higher-pitched than Shouta's quiet, low baritone “It’s an amazing job opportunity for me!”

Shouta snorted sarcastically “You mean it’s an amazing opportunity for you to leave for another few months because you can’t sit still.”

“So what?! Two birds one stone! I make money and see the world. No one said that work had to be a tedious soul-sucking affair. I can have fun!”

“No one said you couldn’t!” Shouta said and then huffed out a half irritated, half resigned breath through his nose.

“Yeah, you do! All the time! You’re constantly complaining, every time I have a chance to experience something new you are sitting here like someone just killed your goldfish and sulk!”

“I don't sulk.”

“You totally do! It’s like you're jealous or something! If you want to leave too I can surely get another air plane ticket. Maybe a change of scenery will stop you from being such a sourpuss!”

Shouta's jaw jumped momentarily “I am not jealous and neither do I want to fly to Europe. Beside, who would take care of our apartment and everything else if we both were gone? Or are you so bored by now that you're just going to sell the apartment and move to another country for half a years before you get bored there too?”

Hizashi let out an angry huff of air “Oh, so now I am the negligent one while poor Shouta is juggling all the housework alone like some petite waif?!”

Shouta let out a frustrated noise “That’s not the point I'm trying to make here.”

“Well, pray tell, what do you want to say then?!” Hizashi's tone of voice was sarcastic.

For a moment Shouta's expression seemed to crumble, but only for a heartbeat “Can’t you tell your agency no? I'm sure you don't have to be there personally to promote your merchandise.”

“But I want to be there! That’s the point! It’s see and be seen. It’s a once in a life time opportunity!” Hizashi insisted. And it was true! The thrill of meeting new people, forging new business relations, selling himself. And not just that. Visiting places too. Seeing new things – experiencing life to the fullest.

Hizashi hated the thought of just sitting around here in Tokyo. He had never understood people who were content to just sit in their home town all their life and never leave except maybe for a few weeks of vacation a year.

That kind of notion seemed downright insane to him. There was so much out there, so much that he could potentially miss and then never revisit; and so many people were just happy to let it slip past them, never reaching out to grasp an opportunity – an adventure – with both hands.

“Why shouldn't I be there to promote my own stuff and grow my image?” Hizashi barreled on, challenging.

“That’s not the point either.” Shouta tried to cut in but Hizashi simply talked over him.

“You really are jealous aren't you? You don't want me to become even more famous, isn't that right? That's why you’re always so dismissive of all my achievements!”

“I'm not jealous Hizashi. I don't care how famous you become.” Shouta's words drowned under Hizashi's loud, high-pitched shouting.

“Well, I don't care! I'm not going to just sit here and fiddle my thumbs because you are pissed off that you'll never have a career like me!”

“I don't even want a career like-”

“I’m not here to pamper your feeling of self-worth and I sure as shit aren't going to put myself down or step on the brakes just because of your fragile sense of self!”

“Hizashi, that's not the point-”

“If you want to make something out of your life then maybe you should get off your lazy ass and actually do something about it instead of trying to put other people down who are more successful than you are!”

“Hizashi, just listen to me for one second I-”

“I’m sure as hell not going to stay here and go stir-crazy just because you want me to!” Shouta's attempted injections suddenly cut off. He watched Hizashi, silently and thoughtful “I can be out there, see everything I want to see and do everything I want to do and I am sure as hell not going to deprive myself of that just because you have some kind of hissy-fit or some kind of inferior complex! I'm not here to pamper your ego and I won’t stop living my life to the fullest just because you have a midlife crisis at twenty three!”

Hizashi was huffing and puffing by now and he started pacing back at forth. He was agitated, and angry and vibrating with energy and he needed to move right now or he would explode. He shot an angry look at Shouta – who was still sitting on the ground and was watching Hizashi in return, a look of deep concentration on his face, as if he was thinking hard about something.

“You don't even say anything!” Hizashi accused “You never say anything, your just always complaining and complaining till you're blue in the face, you're talking a lot but your words are just nonsense when you boil them down to their essentials! You don't want me to be famous, you don't want me to make money, you don't want me to go out and do stuff that I enjoy! You’re driving me mad, you know that?! And it just gets worse and worse! I thought maybe you would get over yourself but you never do. Anything I want just isn't good enough for you, or it’s too good and you turn green with envy! You should really get a grip on yourself and grow up some! You’re still just a stubborn fifteen year old! Maybe it’s time for you to go out of your comfort zone and face the fact that the people out here in the real world, me included, aren't here to please you!” Hizashi grit his teeth, his chest was heaving with exertion.

Shouta only blinked at him blankly “I see.” he said simply and for a moment some kind of expression that Hizashi couldn't name settled on his features – enlightenment maybe? Reaching a final conclusion?

In any case it just enraged Hizashi more “I see?! Is that all you're going to say to this?! I see?!!” his voice was bouncing off the walls, reverberating through the living room – Shouta didn't flinch, he simply blinked again.

“I think-” Shouta started, voice neutral – nearly flat “That it would be best for us to break up.” he said as if he was commenting on the weather, or like he was recounting a fact that should be universally known.

For a second Hizashi's anger disappeared, as if blown away – in fact, all his emotions seemed to disappear for a second, like the calm before a storm, he couldn't even manage to be surprised or shocked at the words… and then, like a high tidal wave everything slammed into him at once and he was suddenly filled with so much wrath that he felt like he was close to combustion – he felt his face heating up in anger.

“That’s it?! You don't get your way so you're breaking up with me?! Like some kind of spoiled two year old?! You don't get the toy you want so you pick up all your other toys and chug them under the bus because you don't get what you want?! Are you trying to emotionally manipulate me?! I expected better from you of all people!!”

“That’s not what I meant.” Shouta retorted, calmly, voice nearly comically quiet when compared to Hizashi's high-pitched screeching “Look Hizashi, it is quite obvious that we both want very different things out of life and we both can’t give that to each other. So the logical conclusion is to break up.”

Hizashi let out a string of curses, pacing up and down a few times before he rounded on Shouta, pointing an accusatory finger “So you want some kind of doormat as a boyfriend, someone who will just lay down, someone with no ambitions of his own! Like some kind of pretty doll that you can use when you want and just place back on the shelve to be forgotten about when you don't?!”

Shouta shot him a frown, he seemed genuinely offended at that comment “That’s not what I want at all, you should know-”

“What?! I should know better?! Well, it seems like I don't know anything about you at all, doesn't it?!”

“I meant that you should know that I would never-”

“Your acting like I'm some kind of burden!” Hizashi barreled on and the rest of Shouta's sentence drowned in his shouting – unheard “When you are the burden between us two. Your constant nagging is just meant to hold me down! Well, I won’t let myself be held back! And if you can’t accept that I am my own person with my own agenda then just fuck off!”

“You got this completely wrong what I'm trying to say is-”

“I got nothing wrong! You are just a whiny little baby and I seriously don't need someone like that in my life! I always thought you of all people would support my choices but look how wrong I was! You’re just like everyone else, always thinking about yourself and no one else! I can pick up guys like you at every street corner, a dime a dozen! You have been acting like a spoiled brat for months now! At the beginning I thought it was just a phase but nope, guess I'm the fool! You never talk to me anymore and when you do you're just trying to belittle the things that I love! You’re my boyfriend, you're supposed to support me but instead all you do is kick down!”

Hizashi was positive that his face must be beet red by now. Dimly, in a corner of his mind he was aware of the fact that he was probably being unfair but he was angry and not at his most rational right about now.

But what he was saying wasn't a lie. This had been going on for months now. It had started in the few weeks Hizashi had spent at home after his trip to Korea had ended and before he had embarked for the hero exchange in the US.

Shouta had been nagging him then too and Hizashi had patiently explained what an amazing opportunity the exchange was. Shouta had accepted it in the end but it had been clear that he had been displeased and when Hizashi had come back two months ago Shouta had seemed more distant than ever.

Hizashi hadn't thought much about it then – Shouta just sometimes had phases where he was even more taciturn than usual, phases where he just wanted his peace and quiet and he always came around again after a while. And, two weeks after Hizashi's return, everything had fallen back into place the way it had always been.

Though Hizashi had had the nagging feeling that there was something going on that he couldn't quite grasp.

But now it all made sense! Everything had fallen into place. Shouta saw his rich life, the chances he got presented with, the possibilities of his future and suddenly he was jealous because he had never done anything with his own life – suddenly he regretted that he had never tried for the spotlight or for some kind of fame. And if he couldn't have it then neither could Hizashi it seemed.

Maybe he was overreacting, but really, who wouldn't be when faced with a realization like that? With the knowledge that the one person you had trusted above all else begrudged you your hard earned success?

“Hizashi, my point is that we want different things and-”

Hizashi let out a high-pitched, near hysterical giggle “Oh, but we don't do we?! You want to break up and I want to break up! In my book that's the same thing! So just fuck off!”

“Hizas-”

“I said fuck off! I never want to see you again! Get lost!” he knew he was being unfair but he really couldn't stand seeing Shouta's impassive, blank face right now – this expression that seemed to say that nothing of what was currently happening was bothering him even in the slightest.

He just wanted Shouta out of his eyesight for a while. He just needed some time to himself, so he could work through all of his emotions and cool down again and maybe afterwards Shouta and him could have a more calm discussion about the other mans obvious insecurities and how they could work through them together.

But right now? Hizashi just wanted to be alone.

Shouta pushed himself upwards and for a moment his dark, bottomless eyes settled on Hizashi – they were void, as was Shouta's expression “Of course.” Shouta said without any kind of inflection, his tone the vocal equivalent of a completely faded picture – all colour leached out of it. He nodded towards Hizashi before he turned and barely half a minute later Hizashi heard the door clicking shut softly.

He let out a huff, still seething but already calming down just from the fact that he was alone in their apartment right now. He shook his head to himself. They could talk about this tomorrow, right now he had to get ready for his radio show.

…

When he got home that night the closet was just the slightest bit more spacious, the bookcase on the far wall was half empty, Shouta's laptop was missing, as were all his folders that held important papers related to his hero work, his wallet was gone, as were his keys… though Hizashi found the duplicate that opened their front door securely hidden in the letterbox.

It had been… disconcerting, to suddenly realize how very little Shouta had possessed, how little space he had physically filled in their shared apartment… yet the hole he had left behind with his absence was so big that Hizashi doubted he would ever be able to fill it again.

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He snapped his mouth shut again. It hadn't been all that long ago that he had found himself laying awake in his bed, wondering why they had never talked about their problems at the end, why they had stopped communicating somewhere along the way.

He remembered those words from Shouta ‘We want different things’ he had said them back then too but… they had never talked about what those things were. Hizashi had never tried to understand, he had just wrathfully lashed out, hitting where it hurt most, pettily using his intimate knowledge of Shouta's insecurities to drag him down and make him bleed.

He had been young, and stubborn and had felt like he was in the right while Shouta obviously – at least that was what he had believed back then – had been in the wrong. He had never stopped in his angry shouting to let Shouta finish a single sentence… he had never stopped to ask…

“What do you want?” he breathed out, his green eyes rising to meet Shouta's and all of a sudden Shouta's expression didn't seem as blank anymore, all of a sudden Hizashi was able to see the tight lines around the other mans mouth and the clench of his jaw, the way his shoulders were drawn up like he was expecting a blow any second now, how he had risen from his slouch, pulling himself up to his full height.

Had he looked like that when they had been younger too? Had he looked like that at the very end as well? Had Hizashi just been too blinded by his own righteous fury that he had completely overlooked all the signs?

Hizashi swallowed. Silence settled over both of them and Hizashi could see the way Shouta's jaw jumped, the way his eyes burned and then a smile cracked over his features, broad, and toothy and sardonic and lacking all mirth.

“It doesn't really matter now. It’s all in the past.” he said and shrugged and his empty smile made Hizashi feel like someone was trailing a cold blade down his spine.

“I does matter!” Hizashi insisted, though his voice was cautious. He knew when Shouta was trying to block other people – and the terrifying smile he wore right now combined with his unblinking void-black stare usually was all it took to drive people off in some kind of self-defence fuelled panic.

In the end Shouta's smile fell off his face and instead was replaced with weary resignation. Hizashi watched as the other man raised his arm, his hand brushing through his hair, trailing the length of it before it settled in the nook between his neck and shoulder.

“We should talk about it.” Hizashi pushed gently and Shouta's intense stare settled on him, unblinking and sharp “I...” Hizashi started again but trailed off for a moment, his gaze lowering to the ground, dodging Shouta's – ashamed “I didn't give you any time to explain back then. I was just angry and self-righteous and arrogant and I just said things that I didn't mean. I...” he swallowed “I didn't think you would take me serious and leave but I was too stubborn and bitter to actually try and get in contact with you after… and now here we are and its been seven years and we’re thirty… I guess what I want to say is that you deserve a chance to tell your side of the story. I mean...” he sighed, at a loss for what to say “Yeah.” he finished lamely.

He could still feel Shouta's stare burrowing into him and then, from the corner of his eyes he saw the other mans hand falling down to his side – a clear indicator that Shouta had reached a conclusion of his own.

“It’s late.” Shouta said, his voice low and soothing. Hizashi raised his head a little and he wasn't sure how to interpret Shouta's expression – he looked like a man who was heading for the noose, resigned acceptance mixed with a flicker or irony fuelled mirth… gallows humour “Let’s pick this conversation up another time.” he finished.

“Tomorrow?” Hizashi immediately pressed, hopeful.

Shouta's jaw jumped but only for a second before he nodded in that serious way of his “Tomorrow.” he agreed. For a moment his eyes swept over Hizashi's face as if searching for something and then he turned to walk home.

“Till tomorrow.” Hizashi called after the other man, half waving in the air in some kind of silly display. He couldn't hear if Shouta gave an actual answer or at least a noise in agreement, but that was fine. He watched the other man disappear down the street and after the longest time he turned to unlock his own door.

He stepped into the entrance hall and then made his way up the stairs to his apartment. He felt solemn in a way that he hadn't experiences in quite some time.

Looking back he truly had been nothing more than a bratty boy at the time Shouta and him had broken up. Hizashi had expected that – if it ever came down to it – he would be the one who would get an apology… after all he had felt in the right, he had thought Shouta was just so caught up in his own insecurities that the tried to control Hizashi's life.

But really… that had been an incredibly stupid thought. Shouta had never been the controlling type or someone who threw his problems on others – it was actually quite the other way around. Especially during the first few weeks of their relationship, when they had still been teenagers at UA, Shouta had made sure that he knew all of Hizashi's boundaries, he had never complained when Hizashi went out or did things without him – in fact Shouta had even encouraged it – and trying to get Shouta to open up about eventual problems he might have had had been like pulling teeth.

Yet, Hizashi had felt completely in the right, had felt like he had known everything there was to know. He had been angry and hadn't wanted anyone to correct him, and then, during the aftermath, he had been too bitter to give it any serious thought… maybe he had also been afraid that he would arrive at the conclusion that the fault hadn't just been Shouta's but that he himself had had a substantial part in all of it as well… and maybe he hadn't wanted to entertain that thought.

Hizashi reached his apartment door and unlocked it. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him – locking it again – before he pulled off his shoes.

And then, after their fight, time had moved on and his memories about what exactly had happened had blurred – more important things had shouldered their way into Hizashi's life, he had moved once or twice, had been overseas for months at a time, had build a brand… and in the end he had just wilfully forgotten about Shouta and their last confrontation, had pushed it aside and then buried it under a pile of work as a kind of excuse to never look at all of it ever again.

Sure, he had been wistful from time to time, he thought as he made his way to the bathroom to get ready for bed. He had found himself missing Shouta, mostly during the night, when his bed had seemed too big and too cold but he had always been able to tell himself that it had been Shouta who had wanted to break up in the first place, that it had been Shouta who had wanted something that Hizashi hadn't been willing to give – had been unable to give honestly.

He had always told himself that that something was his autonomy but the truth was that it was something different that Hizashi had never wanted to think about, that he had never asked about – and it had just been easier to lie to himself than it to face his own faults.

But he had told Shouta that they were older now and it was high time that Hizashi confronted his errors, his personal faults, the failures of his past.

He settled into bed, feeling exhausted in a way that he couldn't describe.

If he truly wanted to start over with Shouta then they first had to clear up all the debris left in the wake of their break up seven years ago. No matter how ugly that might be.

He was staring up at the ceiling. He guessed it was Shouta's fault in the way that he always had had problems being vulnerable and baring himself – at least emotionally – and it was Hizashi's fault in the way that he should have known that, he shouldn't have flown off the hinges without giving Shouta the space and reassurance he might have needed to formulate what had actually been bothering him.

At least that was his best guess right now. He would find out soon enough – tomorrow – if he was right about that… but tomorrow seemed much too close and simultaneously much too far away. He was filled both with dread and nervous anticipation and it took him a good hour to calm down enough to fall into a somewhat uneasy sleep.

He awoke at the crack of dawn – which wasn't too unusual for him – and, after getting ready in the bathroom, he made his way towards the kitchen to cook breakfast and to make himself a mug of coffee. While he was eating he let his gaze wander over the living room – it wasn't messy just… full. He realized for the umpteenth time. He had noticed that every single day for the past few months since he had arrived back at Japan.

He also realized that Shouta would be over later today – for the first time since they had started meeting up again – and Hizashi was suddenly feeling somewhat self-conscious. Shouta has always been so neat and minimalistic and from time to time Hizashi had found himself admiring the other man for that, yet he had always been too attached to all his knick-knacks to even consider bagging them – or, more extremely, throwing them away.

But over time the fond emotional attachment he had towards his things had – partially at least – turned to annoyance… maybe he should clean out his living space a little – only a bit, only the things he couldn't stand seeing any longer. Maybe it would make him feel more welcome in his own home instead of making him feel like he was visiting some sort of weird museum that no one should spent more than two hours at a time in.

He nursed his mug of coffee as he mulled his idea over.

The thing was, it had never bothered him before, precisely because he never really spent more than a few hours a day in his apartment. He was out and about most of his time and he usually never really stayed in Japan for longer than four or five months at a time before he was travelling somewhere else again.

Still, over the last months he had found himself enjoying a bit of peace and quiet by himself – he still adored going out and he still loved to party, he loved loud music and the noise of the crowd… but he had also acquired a new-found appreciation for his down-time.

He felt like he had seen everything he had wanted to see and everything else that might still come was just a cherry on top of an already amazing desert – nice, but ultimately not all that important to the experience as a whole. He would take it, sure, but only if he believed it suited him.

He finished his mug of coffee, cleaned his dishes and then spent most of the pre-noon with needless cleaning – propping up the cushions, making sure there was no dirt snared in the living room carped, hanging up new towels in the bathroom and throwing the old ones into the washing machine.

Really he was just doing it so he could satisfy his need to move – it wasn't like he could go out after all. What if Shouta came over while he was having a small stroll? He didn't think it would happen – after all he knew Shouta well enough and was rather confident that the other man wouldn't arrive before noon… but still…

It turned out his prediction had been spot on and it was already half past two in the afternoon when he heard his bell chirping for him. He stood up and pressed the button of his door-phone.

“Yes?” he asked, feeling somewhat awkward.

“It’s Aizawa, can I come up?” came back Shouta's voice, staticy and slightly scratchy from travelling through the intercom.

Hizashi pressed another button, unlocking the door downstairs at the same time that he said “My apartment is rather far up, I’ll just wait outside of my door so you can’t miss me.”

There was a grunt as answer and then silence, so Hizashi opened his door and stepped out into the stairwell. The wait – even though it couldn't have been more than a minute – felt excruciatingly long and he couldn't help tapping his foot.

He stopped his nervous moments when he saw Shouta's head appearing below him. He watched the other man climbing up the stairs and when Shouta tipped his head back to look up Hizashi shot him a smile.

“Hey there.” he greeted when Shouta was nearly on his floor, trying to be quiet so he wouldn't disturb all the other people living in the house.

Shouta gave a soft noise as a greeting when he finally came to a stand beside Hizashi. His expression was serious and if Hizashi wasn't mistaken then Shouta seemed to be dressed somewhat less sloppy than he usually was.

“Well, in you go.” Hizashi said and ushered the other man into his apartment before either of them could change their mind about what they wanted to do. He closed the door behind them again and stepped past Shouta – who was currently in the process of pulling his shoes off – and towards the kitchen.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Hizashi asked over his shoulder “Water, tea, coffee, juice, I think I even have some-”

“Coffee.”

“Okay!” Hizashi sing-songed back, happy that he had an excuse to vanish into the kitchen for a bit. He felt somewhat off kilter – nervous “Make yourself at home!” he called into the living room as he fumbled with the coffee machine – maybe he should make himself a mug as well… maybe another dose of caffeine wouldn't be the best idea right about now though; he was already jittery enough as it was.

He plastered on a media-friendly smile as he left the kitchen again a while later – two mugs of coffee in hand, one with milk and sugar, the other one plain black.

Shouta looked up from where he sat on the couch and his expression immediately darked once his gaze fell onto Hizashi. He let out an annoyed huff “You know I never liked when you tried that smile with me.” he said and Hizashi's grin froze on his lips before it slowly faded away.

“I know.” he answered as he placed the two mugs on the living room table.

“You don't have to smile in front of me if you don't feel like it.” Shouta continued, blunt as ever.

“I know.” Hizashi agreed and sat down on the couch as well. He had always loved the freedom to just be with Shouta – he was nervous and he didn't want to smile and with Shouta he didn't have to… and so he didn't.

They sat in silence after that, Hizashi twiddling with a loose string on one of his throw pillows and Shouta blowing into his mug so the coffee would cool faster.

Hizashi swallowed and chanced a glance towards Shouta, who was currently sipping on his coffee, his dark eyes were sweeping over the room. This felt… really awkward, Hizashi thought and swallowed again.

A soft snort ripped him out of his thoughts and he managed to look up in time to see a small smile appear on Shouta's face.

“What?” he asked but Shouta just shook his head “Come on, share!” Hizashi pushed and the other man shot him a fondly-annoyed glance.

“It’s just that the room looks a lot like you.”

Hizashi frowned “What do you mean?”

Shouta regarded him for a second before he made a small indicating motion with his mug – both his hands wrapped around the porcelain in that familiar way of his “May I?”

“Sure.” Hizashi shrugged and then he watched as Shouta put his mug down and stood up. The other man walked across the room towards one of the bookcases on the far wall. He picked up something and then turned slightly, holding out whatever had caught his attention so Hizashi could see it as well.

It was a key-chain – a small, painted accordion was dangling on the metal loop as decoration. Hizashi had gotten that one in France if he remembered correctly… or had it been Switzerland?

He frowned at the small thing before he raised his confused gaze up to Shouta – the other man was just giving him a soft smile in answer.

“You always liked collecting things like this. I just think it suits you.” Shouta explained, he shrugged and then put the key-chain down again – his eyes were sweeping over Hizashi's mismatched collection as if he was truly intrigued by it.

Hizashi's frown darked at that “I’m not too sure about that anymore.” he muttered.

Shouta gave a low, inquiring noise at that and turned a little where he stood so he could look at Hizashi.

“It feels...” Hizashi trailed off for a second, he waved his hand in the air as if that could help him explain what he meant “Cluttered.” he settled on “But not in the good way. It was nice once but...” he huffed, waving his arms as he tried to charade a word that he couldn't seem to find “-it’s just too much by now. I don't really like it anymore. I think I’ll declutter everything at some point.”

Shouta gave a nod, though he looked somewhat doubtful – Hizashi didn't know why and he didn't want to assume.

He picked up his own coffee mug, turning it between his hands for a second before he lifted it to his lips and took a few sips. The couch dipped down beside him as Shouta sat down again. It was silent and Hizashi took another gulp of coffee, and then another one – stalling.

For someone who usually prided himself as being the life of the party he couldn't quite think of anything to say right now.

“The point I have been trying to make-” Shouta started and it startled Hizashi somewhat fierce, his fingers clutched tighter around the mug so he wouldn't accidentally fumble it and spill the beverage onto the carpet. His eyes snapped up to regard the man beside him.

Shouta's face was a strange mixture between purposefully blank and involuntarily stony, his mouth was pursed, his brows drawn into a frown. He had his own coffee mug between both his hands again but wasn't doing anything beside holding it.

Trust Shouta to barrel right into an awkward conversation without any fanfare, just straight to the point, blunt and honest and serious.

“-is that we are two very different people. And that is the reason why we split up and why we will split up again if we decide to pursue whatever this thing between us is right now. We have different ideas of the future and we desire different things for our lifes. It is something that we wouldn't be able to compromise on with each other. I believe we shouldn't try for another relationship and it would probably be best to not meet up again, it just puts stupid ideas into both our heads.” he said and for a second his lips pressed into a tight line before his expression smoothed out again and he brought his mug to his mouth to take a sip.

“You said that before too.” Hizashi pointed out and placed his own mug on the table, his newly freed hands instead started purling at a loose threat on his jeans “But you never explained what exactly you think is the big difference between us – that big boogie man we can’t confront.”

“If you shouldn't have noticed Hizashi-” Shouta started again after a short pause, his tone was wry “I’m not really big on publicity, or parties, or moving around. I never have been. But you are. You were never able to sit still for too long. You get bored when you are stuck at home for any length of time.” he took a sip of his coffee before he continued “I want to settle. Always have. I never had that youthful desire to travel. I never had this wanderlust that you have, or maybe it’s more along the lines of fomo with you, in any case, I don't much care for exploration or the like. But you do. You simply aren't the kind of person who wants to settle.” he placed his mug on the table, it sounded worryingly empty.

“I have no interest in tying you down Hizashi. I always loved how excitable and exuberant you were and no matter how much it bothered me that you were away most of the year, I loved that about you as well – how open you were to everything new and how giddy you got when you got the chance to see the world. And you were right, all of it is important for your career.” he rubbed his palms over his pant legs once – probably trying to get the sweat from holding a warm mug for so long off.

“I refuse to ruin your life and career because of my own needs, but I also refuse to content myself with something that could never fully satisfy me either. Like I said, I want to settle, I want someone there – if not for the whole year then at least for the majority of it, and that is something you just can’t give me, and that is fine.” he raised his head, for a second his dark eyes swept over the room before they settled on Hizashi “Thanks for the coffee.” he said and then made to push himself up.

For a second Hizashi was frozen, a lump had formed in his throat while Shouta had been talking, and his eyes felt strangely hot. He felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over him – he couldn't believe he had gotten everything so wrong back then.

Shouta hadn't been jealous or controlling or tyrannical… he had been lonely. He hadn't ditched Hizashi because he was dissatisfied with the way that Hizashi wasn't listening to him, no, he had broken their relationship off because he had thought of both their needs and futures – it hadn't been motivated by spite or anger but merely a sober, rational outlook at the overall situation they had been in.

Breaking up probably had seemed like the most logical option to Shouta – for both their sakes.

And Shouta had been right. Hizashi, back then, wouldn't even have considered the idea of staying in one place for longer than a few months at a time. Even if Shouta had told him exactly what he had said right now Hizashi just knew that, ultimately, he would have gotten the worst case of cabin fever and would have been on a plane only a few weeks later – with or without Shouta's agreement.

In the long run they very likely would have broken up either way. Maybe Hizashi would have finally had enough of building his life around one place, or maybe Shouta would have been fed up with his flighty nature – no matter how much they might have loved each other… Shouta was right, the things they wanted had been much too different to find some kind of middle ground that would have satisfied both of them.

But… but maybe…

Hizashi took a shuddering breath and finally life snapped back into him. His right hand shot out and his cold fingers clutched desperately around Shouta's left wrist – just shy of clawing.

“Wait!” Hizashi nearly shouted and it made Shouta stop in mid-motion. He levelled a confused gaze at Hizashi, his brows furrowed but he sat down on the couch again all the same. Faced with Shouta's intense, questioning eyes Hizashi opened and closed his mouth a few times without being able to find words that could adequately describe what he was feeling right now.

He belatedly realized that he was still holding Shouta's wrist and unclenched his fingers – he drew his hand back into his lap.

“I...” Hizashi started but then he ultimately trailed off. It was quiet for a second before he tried again “I understand and I think you were right back then. I think-” he took a deep breath “I think that, in the long run, we would just have made each other unhappy.” his words were halting and it was painful to admit to all of this.

Shouta and he had always been two opposites and that had always been one of the things that had drawn Hizashi in the most… and it was disconcerting to realize that that had also been the reason that their break up had been what it had been.

“But-” here Hizashi stopped short, trying to think of a way to explain his current emotions without it seeming insincere. He chewed on his bottom lip, pulling at the tips of a strand of his hair that was falling over his chest.

“As of late I have found myself wondering if that is… you know, all? Like, I still adore travelling and I definitely don't want to stop but I have been feeling… exhausted as of late? Annoyed? I mean, I have been really enjoying my down time here, reconnecting with some old friends that I had lost contact with, reacquainting myself with the local club scene, getting a steady job at the radio station again instead of just having a temporary employment every time I was here for a few months. I mean...” he let out a frustrated sigh.

“I’m not sure. I think I might be… I don't know. Slowing down a little? Not in the way that I don't want to travel anymore at all but… more like...” he let out another frustrated huff. Shouta had just said his piece, without stuttering or unnecessary breaks or missing words and here Hizashi was blubbering and fumbling through one of the – arguably – most important conversation he would ever have.

“I mean, I can actually imagine staying here for longer periods of time. In fact, the first few weeks after I had come back I actually dreaded the possibility that my agency might send me off again right away.” he was drawing his bottom lip between his teeth before he licked his lips apart again. His mouth felt dry.

“I guess… I mean… if you are fine with being alone here in Japan for a few weeks – a month or two at most – per year, I think… I mean… I might be fine… with, you know, staying here the rest of the year, together. I mean, only if that would be okay for you. I mean, if you think that still isn't good enough then that's fine and I won’t be mad or anything. I mean...” he trailed off a second “Yeah.” he ended lamely.

He couldn't quite force himself to raise his eyes from where he was staring at the carpet on the floor – as if the white fluff somehow concealed all the secrets of the universe and would impart all that knowledge on him if he just stared long enough.

It was the truth, all of it, but he wasn't sure if he had worded everything correctly. He didn't quite know how he should describe this feeling of wistfulness that he had felt for months now, this strange yearning for something he hadn't really considered before but that had started to sound more and more appealing as time had went on.

When he was younger Hizashi, truthfully, hadn't understood people that just came out of school, had a family and settled somewhere to live their uneventful everyday life… but after all the excitement of the last decade a little mundanity truly seemed quite charming.

Hizashi probably would never lose his sense for adventure and he was quite sure that he would feel this pull – to new things, towards other places – again soon enough, but all of a sudden the idea of coming home afterwards didn't seem boring or horrible any longer, no, it seemed comforting – even more so when he imagined coming home to Shouta.

Of course it was questionable if this vague promise would be enough for Shouta. Shouta was a good man after all and Hizashi was sure that, if Shouta truly wanted, he could easily find himself someone to settle down with – someone who completely lacked the kind of drive that had always been and would always be a vital part of Hizashi.

For a few long moments it was utterly silent in the room and Hizashi chanced a glance at the man opposite of him. He couldn't quite read Shouta's expression, there was contemplation, something close to doubt… something that seemed strangely wistful mixed with resignation.

Shouta turned his head and caught Hizashi's eyes, his gaze was intense and seemed to burrow into Hizashi. He opened his mouth but then seemed to think better of it – he closed it again, his brows furrowed in deep concentration and Hizashi saw Shouta lifting a hand to place it in the nook between his neck and shoulder.

In the end Shouta's hand fell down into his lap again – a clear signal that he had found an answer.

“Fine.” he said and nodded seriously “Let’s try again.”

It took a second for Hizashi to process what had just happened but then a bright smile settled on his face and a flood of relieve mingled with giddiness washed through him. He lifted his right hand to lay it atop of Shouta's left.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked softly and Shouta only snorted in answer before he leaned forward to close the distance between them and press their mouths together. It was like an electric shock, Hizashi drew in a disbelieving breath of air through his nose before he decided to throw all caution to the wind. He flung his arms around Shouta's neck who, in turn, placed his hands on Hizashi's hips to stabilize them both.

When they finally parted again Hizashi was nearly in Shouta's lap and he couldn't help the blithe giggle that bubbled out of him – Shouta joined him a heartbeat later with his own deep chuckle.

#+#+#+#+#+#+#+

The following two weeks were easily the best of Hizashi's life – second only to the time he had shared with Shouta all those years back, when they had still been stupid, lovestruck teenagers, fumbling their way through their first relationship.

They were spending an awful lot of time together – not that Hizashi was complaining about that, mind you – they went on dates regularly and the sex was even better than Hizashi remembered. They had both decided that it might be best to keep their separate apartments for the time being – they didn't want to move too fast. For all the ways that their relationship was familiar and easy, there were also a great many differences compared to how it had been all those years ago. So making sure that they both could take a little time apart if they needed it seemed to be a good idea, at least until they figured everything out.

Still, that hadn't stopped them from more or less spending all their free time together – Hizashi for once, was fairly sure that he, by now, was taking up more space in Shouta's closet than Shouta himself did.

And if Hizashi went looking he was rather sure he would find a few graded essays on his living room table where Shouta liked to do his work once he was done with teaching and before he had to leave again for his patrol.

“You know-” Hizashi said, moving around Shouta to look into the pot on the hot plate “I usually like to stir in an egg as well.”

Shouta looked up from the pan he used to fry the fish “Then stir an egg in.” he said easily.

“Is that okay?” Hizashi asked and all he got was a snort.

“I’m not stopping you.” Shouta gave back, tone amused and Hizashi shot him a bright grin before he made his way to the fridge to get an egg.

He already had the door handle in his hand when his phone – currently laying in the living room – rang. He huffed out an annoyed breath of air and shot an apologetic smile towards Shouta before he made his way out of the kitchen to take the call.

Or course the number was work related – he couldn't even cook dinner in peace without someone bothering him about something or else. He picked the phone up and swiped right to take the call.

“Yamada.” he greeted unnecessarily.

“You won’t believe the opportunity that has just cropped up.” his boss said, immediately springing into a sales pitch before Hizashi even knew what he might be buying – knowing his boss probably a pig in a poke. For a second his eyes flickered towards the open kitchen door and he saw Shouta's back.

The other man was standing in front of the soup pot, stirring – Hizashi was rather sure he could make out the two halves of a cracked eggshell beside the sink. He smiled softly to himself, suddenly more concerned with going back into the kitchen as soon as possible so he could hug his boyfriend than with striking up some blind bargain with his boss.

Hizashi just gave a disinterested hum, signalling to the man on the other side of the line that he was – more or less – listening.

“A radio station in the US got in contact with us, they said they would love to borrow Japans famous voice hero for an exclusive show.”

Hizashi frowned at that – the offer came rather out of the blue. Still, having an exclusive show for a limited time sure was a nice opportunity.

“When would they want to start?” he asked slowly, his brows drawn down so far he felt the furrow between them.

“Three weeks from now.” well, that felt a little… sudden, Hizashi thought. Then again it depended on how long he would stay – maybe it was just some kind of weekend deal? A specials week?

“How long would they want to keep me?” he asked and then drew his bottom lip between his teeth, chewing on it.

“At least two and a half months.”

“Ah…” was all Hizashi said, flatly “I’ll think about it?” he offered after a second.

“Think about it?” his boss asked, clearly incredulous “It’s an amazing opportunity. Just think how much exposure you could get with that and from the looks of it you would get a decent enough pay check. What’s there to think about?”

Hizashi opened his mouth before closing it again. He repeated the motion once, then twice – looking a little like a stranded fish.

“Just...” he started slowly “Just give me a day to think it over.”

There was a sarcastic scoff on the other end of the line “Call me when you have made up your mind.” and, without any kind of goodbye, his boss had already hung up again.

Hizashi licked his lips apart. For a second he remained where he was before he put the phone down again and returned to the kitchen.

“I’m nearly done here.” Shouta informed him the second he stepped back into the room “Can you get the table ready?”

“Sure.” Hizashi said – croaked really – and at this break in voice Shouta stopped his rhythmic stirring.

“Who was it?” the other man asked and resumed his stirring, his voice nonchalant.

“My boss.” Hizashi answered, as he pulled out the plates from the cupboard – he didn't elaborate further though and Shouta didn't push. Hizashi could feel an intense stare burrowing into his back though, and he swallowed.

They were already more or less done with their dinner when Hizashi had finally managed to pep-talk himself enough to bring the whole topic up.

“There is this radio show that wants to do an exclusive segment with me.” he started and Shouta raised his eyes from his plate for a second, he gave a soft hum to signal that he was listening before he continued to eat.

“It would start three weeks from now.” another hum from Shouta. Hizashi took a sip of his water, he placed the glass back on the table and then continued “It’s in the US.”

For a heartbeat or two everything froze, Shouta's hand that was holding the fork was suspended motionlessly in mid-air, and then, time seemed to resume without a hitch. Shouta lifted his fork the rest of the way up, chewed his bite of fish and then swallowed.

“I see.” was all he said and continued to eat.

A nervous giggle bubbled out of Hizashi and it drew Shouta's attention – dark eyes settled on Hizashi and then Shouta added “It sounds like a good opportunity for you.” his voice was soft around the edges – encouraging even.

Hizashi felt like he had just been slapped in the face, his stomach dropped. He felt nauseous all of a sudden.

“That’s what my boss said too.” Hizashi tittered, one of his legs bouncing.

Shouta just nodded in that serious way of his “How long will you be gone?” he asked and finished the last few bites on his plate. He put his eating utensils down, now focusing all his attention on Hizashi.

Hizashi wasn't sure if that made the discussion better or worse. He swallowed, his mouth drier than a desert “I would be gone for two and a half months as least.”

Shouta gave another nod “I see.” and then a few moments later he asked “Are you done?” inclining his head towards Hizashi's plate.

“Oh, yeah.” Hizashi said and nearly fumbled his plate as he reached it over towards Shouta. The other man collected everything else that wasn't still in use and then started washing up.

It was quiet in the room, he only noise the semi-regular clinking of porcelain on porcelain as Shouta cleaned the dishes.

“Is that all you are going to say? I see?” asked Hizashi after a while, cautious.

“What else is there to say?” asked Shouta back – it wasn't really a question.

“I...” Hizashi trailed off “I don't know, I mean, aren't you going to… I mean… ah...” Hizashi's words just cut off as he tried to find the right thing to say.

There was a snort from Shouta that made him look up “Aren’t I going to get angry?” asked Shouta, bluntly – asking the question that Hizashi couldn't “Why?” he continued, his tone seemed wry in a humourless sort of way, slightly hollow “That wouldn't do anything.”

There was a short pause “Having a temporary radio show aboard is a good chance for you to get more publicity. It’s basically a two and a half month long advertisement.” Shouta pointed out.

“Yeah.” Hizashi agreed, though it lacked both conviction as well as enthusiasm.

“And I assume you will be paid for it?”

“Yeah.”

“Then it would be illogical not to take the opportunity if it presents itself.”

Hizashi swallowed and then, his words slow, he spoke up again “Are you okay with that?”

There was a long moment of silence and Shouta's hands had stopped their motions. Hizashi saw the way the other mans shoulders drew up and then dropped again with a long, soundless exhale “It’s what I expected.” Shouta said nonchalantly – matter of fact.

“Hizashi-” Shouta's words suddenly sounded… Hizashi couldn't quite describe his tone. Exhausted? Resigned?

The other man rubbed his hands dry and then turned so he could lean back against the sink, his eyes fixed on Hizashi. He crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“I’ll be honest with you.” Shouta said “This isn't a surprise for me. In fact I assumed as much. When I decided to give this relationship another chance I was fully aware of the fact that you would be off again soon enough. That’s just who you are and it’s fine. You said it yourself, we are older now. And I'm certainly not as starry eyed anymore as I used to be. I realize that this is a big chance for you and I believe you should take it. This is about your career after all and not mine. It’s-” for a second even Shouta seemed to search for a fitting word “fine.” he ended.

Hizashi felt like crying, with all of this Shouta was basically saying that he had, from the very start, not believed a single word of what Hizashi had said about wanting to cut down on his travelling. It meant that Shouta, from the very beginning, had fully expected Hizashi to go back on his word and for everything to revert to the way it had been when they had been in their early twenties.

But not just that, no. The real knife between his ribs was the knowledge that Shouta had agreed anyway – that he had decided to give their relationship another shot despite everything. Did Shouta really love him so much that he was fine with being dissatisfied and lonely most of the time if it meant that he could be together with Hizashi at least a few months a year? Had Shouta truly resigned himself to the thought that he would be the only one compromising while Hizashi went back to his old habits?

Whatever Shouta was seeing in his expression it made him shot Hizashi a reassuring, if small, smile “It’s fine Hizashi.” he repeated – soothed really “You should get everything sorted out.” he continued “Where you're going to stay, and the exact work contract and-”

“I haven't said yes yet.” Hizashi muttered.

Shouta blinked at him in a way that heavily implied that he thought Hizashi's decision stupid “Well, you should call your boss then and tell him yes.” Shouta said simply and then turned around again to finish the dishes – he clearly deemed the conversation done.

Hizashi's eyes fell down to the kitchen table, he stared unseeingly at the wood. He assumed Shouta was right, he should call his boss and get everything sorted out it was just… he didn't really want to go. He knew it was stupid, because it really was a huge opportunity and Hizashi had always enjoyed his stays in the US…

But there was still so much he wanted to do here first.

Shouta and him had finally gotten around to start and sort out his clutter – going through everything to see what Hizashi wanted to keep and what would go. Hizashi had felt incredibly giddy when Shouta had offered to help him – it wasn't just that he enjoyed the time they spent together that way, sitting on the floor, Hizashi recounting tales of how and where he got what souvenir. No, it was also the fact that Shouta – busy, workaholic Shouta – thought that sorting out Hizashi's chaos – that had nothing to do with him at all – was a good way to spent his free time.

Shouta's ways of saying ‘I love you’ had always been wordless gestures but that was fine – because Hizashi understood the words as loud and clear as if Shouta had shouted them right into his face.

Furthermore, the contract for Hizashi's apartment would run out in a few months and he… well, he might have planned to ask Shouta if it was okay if they moved in together again.

And, actually, Hizashi had looked into maybe getting a teachers licence – watching Shouta work had piqued his interest and an early morning to early afternoon job would certainly fill the boring down-time Hizashi always tried to fill. He already had a bachelor’s degree in English languages and literature after all, so really, how difficult could it be to get approved as an English teacher? Sure, he would have to do all the pedagogy courses, but he wasn't too concerned about those.

Truthfully, going to the US for two or more months, especially right now, just ruined all the plans he had laid out for himself.

If he was honest with himself he really didn't want to go…

Well, he had said he would think it over, maybe he should just sleep on it and see what he thought about all of this tomorrow.

+#+#+#+#+#+#+#+#+#

“Morning!” Hizashi sing-songed as Shouta stepped into the kitchen, tousled and still sleepy. It was Saturday afternoon already.

“Morning.” Shouta gave back, his voice still rough from sleep and disuse. Hizashi shot him a bright grin and poured a mug of still warm coffee – he placed it in front of the other man and – while he was still bowed at the waist – also pressed a kiss against Shouta's temple “Thanks.” was all that Shouta said, though his mouth quirked up at the corners a little. He turned his head a little and pressed his dry lips against the bottom of Hizashi's jaw before the blond man had been able fully draw back again. Afterwards Shouta cupped his hands around the mug in that familiar way of his and Hizashi's smile softened, fond and adoring.

“So-” Hizashi said, drawing out the ‘o’ making the word sound downright playful “I called my boss this morning.”

Shouta gave a soft noise, signalling that he was listening. He raised his mug to his mouth and took a careful sip – when he noticed that the coffee was still warm but not truly hot he began to drink without hesitation.

“I told him to fuck off and that I would stay here.” Hizashi giggled, giddily.

Shouta chocked on his coffee, he sputtered, put the mug down on the table and raised a hand to cough into – seemingly all in one hasty motion.

Hizashi just grinned at the display and if it was a little self-satisfied and just the slightest bit gloating then no one had to know.