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One would assume floating through space that there would be no noise to disturb the nightly slumber of a time traveller. That silence would be a virtue and the quality of sleep would be a vast improvement to anything you could experience on Earth. There were no teenagers being drunk, enthusiastically making conversation with one another in the street, no creatures roaming around in the dead of night or even or even whistling wind.
Yet tonight, sound was like a plague. It started off as something small and little to no bother but the more the clock ticked by, the louder and more noticeable things became. The whir of the engine, creaks in pipes and the voice in her mind who couldn't take a moment to settle down.
Yaz tossed and turned. She lay facing the Doctor, watching her sleep peacefully. At least one of the two managed to fall asleep, although it was usually the other way round. The Doctor was usually not asleep at all or up and down throughout the night finding things to keep herself entertained whilst everyone else slept.
The room was dark bar a soft golden glow coming from the floor acting as a night light to the couple. The Doctor had it installed a while ago after Yaz kept tripping up in the night on various clothes and objects the Doctor had lying around on the floor. Instead of simply making sure the room was always clutter free, she insisted on installing a light… So Yaz could see the clutter.
The girl let out a gentle sigh before swinging her legs off of the bed, admitting defeat. She couldn’t sleep so there was very little point in staying where she was moping about it.
Being mindful of the others, Yaz softly wandered the corridors of the TARDIS. Maybe a walk and a bit of night time exploration would help her sleep, she thought. The ship’s lights were dimly lit when everyone was asleep, primarily to save on unnecessary power. Space ships have to take a break sometimes too.
Deciding that she was suddenly craving a hot cup of tea in this early hour, she headed towards the ship's kitchen. It wasn't a place that was used to cook much. More for making tea and toast. Graham and Yaz had tried to convince the Doctor to let them teach her but she lost all hope of concentration after about 5 minutes so they quickly gave up. It was like having a child around sometimes. Yaz laughed at the memory. The most the Doctor would make were fried egg sandwiches and frozen pizzas. Although most of the pizzas came out a bit too overcooked for anyone’s liking.
When the kettle had boiled and her tea had brewed, she poured in the milk until it was just to her liking and headed towards the library. She grabbed a few custard creams on the way out from the packet that were sat on the side. The Doctor could never just get a few and put them back. The TARDIS had a tendency to cut her off the console dispenser every now and again for abusing it so she ended up having packets stocked as a back up to get her own way. This only caused a further irritation between both the Doctor and the TARDIS.
The library had a slight chill to the crisp night atmosphere and the lights were dim. As Yaz entered the huge space, all the high shelves and large varieties of books came into view. The TARDIS had lifted the lights enough for her to see everything but keeping it low enough that it was cosy and not blinding to the eye.
The shelves were full and stacks were built up from the floor next to them too. Some of them looked like they'd never been touched, neat and tidy against cabinets. Whereas others looked like they had been chucked together, some of them lay splayed open with the pages to the floor. Clearly these were the ones the Doctor cared less about. Or she had taken her anger out of them. Both were plausible.
Settling down in her girlfriend's favourite armchair with a fluffy blanket wrapped around her, she noticed an incredibly aged leather bound book on the table beside her. It didn't hold a title, not one that Yaz could understand anyway. It did however, contain symbols which she was almost certain was Gallifreyan from what she had seen from the Doctor and around the TARDIS before. Curiosity got the better of her and she reached to grasp it into her hands. It felt old and delicate, like it was a relic that an archaeologist had discovered from a time too far from her own.
Inside, the pages were a light brown, worn from time and apparent water stains. Some of the pages had their corners folded, making the book appear to be thicker than it should. The first page Yaz turned to held a diary entry in an extremely neat penmanship. She didn’t want to eavesdrop but she couldn’t deny her interest in what she had in front of her. Turning her head, she quickly looked to see if anyone was about to enter the library before settling her eyes upon the page.
During all the years I’ve been taking care of her, she in return has been taking care of me. She is still my grandchild and always will be. Now, she’s a woman too. I want her to belong somewhere, have roots of her own. With David, she’ll be able to find those roots, live normally like any woman should do. I am certain her future lies with David. Not with a silly old duffer like me. One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. She must go forward in all her beliefs and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine. Goodbye Susan, goodbye my dear.
And one day, we shall meet again. For I am your grandfather, forever and always.
Could this be the Doctor’s writing? She did say she used to be a white head scotsman. Perhaps, this is him. But a grandfather? She had stated before she had family a long time ago but Yaz didn’t realise she meant grandkids. Or even kids for that matter! The name Susan certainly hadn’t been mentioned before.
She turned a few pages to find another entry. The handwriting a little scruffier this time, almost like it was jotted down in a hurry.
I’ve had to let Sarah go. My poor Sarah Jane. I will miss her dearly as she became a great friend and companion to me. I’ve been summoned to Gallifrey and when a Time Lord gets a call like that, we must obey. I wish I could have taken Sarah with me but as it stands right now, humans are not to step foot on my home planet and I shan't see that changing for the foreseeable future. She would have loved to have seen my home planet. I don’t know what awaits me there but I hope I live long enough in order to see her face again
I’m sorry, Sarah Jane Smith
Your Doctor
Sarah Jane, another name that hasn’t been mentioned before now. Surely these were important people in her girlfriend’s life once upon a time? Her curiosity spiked at the Doctor’s mysterious past. She didn’t talk much about her past and now Yaz was starting to think that perhaps it was because she was sad about it all. Much like why her Nani didn’t talk about Prem.
Burning up a sun just to say goodbye to her was something I wish I could reverse. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to go back and have her back with me, to prevent any of what happened. But I can’t. Of course, I can’t.
I have faith that she will be happy though despite of that. She has a version of me that she can now call her own, a complete family unit again and a new sibling on the way. She’ll be fine. Rose Tyler, defender of the Earth.
It will forever haunt me however that even with my last chance, fate could not be on my side for I could still not tell her. The universe was too selfish to let me finish my sentence. Rose Tyler - the words were on the tip of my tongue, if only I had a few seconds more - I love you.
Yaz could have sworn the Doctor briefly mentioned Rose once. Just once. On her desk in their bedroom, there lay a framed picture of a blonde woman and Yaz was curious as to who she was. “Rose” The Doctor had said. “Her name was Rose” She didn’t get anymore than that. Mentioning her name caused a sad look to form and the Doctor’s eyes became a bit distant. Now she understood why. Asking about that picture must have caused some bad memories to stir up. Or good ones.
Yaz considered the possibility then that she was just another number in a long line of women before her. She wasn’t sure on their relationship with the Doctor though. Some of these women could have been just great friends with her. Others - like Rose, seemed to be much deeper than that, much more established. Of course the Doctor was much older and had probably experienced many relationships before, she was just hoping that she wasn’t the sort of person to jump into relationships all the time. Yaz thought she knew the Doctor quite well and it did seem a bit out of character for her to be like that so she tried to shake her worry out of her mind. But it was difficult when she was reading about all these other girls in what appeared to be the Doctor’s own journal. Oh god, she was snooping wasn’t she?
She slammed the book shut in disgust with herself. She didn’t want to be that girlfriend who pryed and got the wrong end of the stick from what she found. The journal on her lap burned beneath her hands, itching to be opened again. She couldn’t deny that she was curious. It was like when you find out something bad and for whatever reason, you just want to keep reading on. Not that the content was bad in any means, but she knew in the back of her mind that she shouldn’t be snooping.
“One more page” Yaz told herself, as she opened the book once again.
Amelia Pond. The girl who waited.
Words cannot express how sorry I am for having kept you waiting all those times. You know I’m awful with the old girl. Although, I’m not going to entirely pin the blame on me. You know she can be stubborn too. (It’s her fault it took me twelve years but I’ll pretend like it’s partly my fault to keep her happy. She’ll be moody with me otherwise!)
What a time we had though, eh? Getting to watch you grow up from that feisty little girl into the strong woman you became made me incredibly proud to have you as basically family. You fought pirates, gave hope to the one and only Vincent Van Gogh and even saved a whale in outer space!
Watching your relationship with Rory was a privilege and to get to know River as your beautiful daughter. As her wife, I want to promise to always try my best to look after her for you but she’s stubborn too. A bit like you in that respect! Sorry, Amy! She gets it from her mother without a doubt. She may not let me look after her at times and it’s possible I may not see her much more. Our timelines are so wibbly wobbly that it’s hard to keep track at times. But as your son-in-law (That sounds weird, doesn’t it?), I will do what I can to keep her safe. These two hearts of mine will keep beating for her as long as I shall live.
Thank you for all the wonderful times we had together. It was a blast!
Your one and only raggedy Doctor
Another page turned. Oops, she should really stop soon.
Why is it fair that I get to lose everybody that becomes special to me? Why is it fair that I come from a species who insist on regenerating? Cheating death time and time again. It’s getting old and worthless. What’s the point if people’s lives are only going to become a tragedy in the name of my own?
My body has been trying to regenerate for the last three days now. I shan't let it. I’ve caused enough damage in this universe and I can’t let another version of myself do the same. Whoever this person has the possibility of being, I’m only going to save them heartbreak by ending my own life. Their life. The universe does not need me around anymore. I’ve done my bit. The TARDIS can shut down and die after time. You never know, scavengers may trace it and keep it for themselves. Good luck getting into it though! But if they do, at least it would be getting some use. That being said, the old girl could do with a break too. Lord knows I overused her. It was my own fault for stealing her in the first place. I should never have let myself become this person.
An old man with a Scottish accent and white hair who doesn’t even have the energy to regenerate anymore. That sounds about right for me. Oh Doctor, I have really let you go…
“Yaz?”
The brunette slammed the book shut once again and looked up, tears in her eyes. “Doctor! Um, how long have you been standing there?” Her girlfriend was standing in the doorway, perched against the frame. The lights were down low but she could still make out the glum look upon her features. She was looking sadly towards the book that now rested in Yaz’s lap.
“Not long. I woke up and found you gone so I thought I’d come see if you were alright.” The Doctor looked down and fiddled with the edge of her blue pyjama t-shirt. “I see you’ve found my journal.”
Yaz put the book back down on the table beside her chair and got up, taking one step towards the Doctor. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. I couldn’t sleep so I came in here and found-”
“It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have left it lying around in the open like that.” There was a beat of silence. “How much of it did you read?”
“Enough” Yaz sighed a deep breath. “Doctor, you’ve lost so many people and you never speak about it. The last entry - was that…?”
“White haired scotsman? Yeah, that was him. If he… If I didn’t regenerate, I wouldn’t be alive right now. I wouldn’t have met you.”
“But you did regenerate. What changed your mind?” Yaz was curious but she could sense she was perhaps stepping on rocky territory here.
It was the Doctor’s turn to sigh. “Some good friends convinced me that the universe needed me. That it would miss me if I let myself go like that. I guess he had a change of heart and decided to give me a chance.”
“You were really ready to give up?”
The Doctor gulped, still fumbling around with her pyjamas. “Yeah”
Yaz had no idea her girlfriend had been through so much let alone keep all this to herself. Her mind must be raging with conflicting emotions all the time. She had to praise her for staying sane.
As a tear rolled down Yaz’s cheek, she gingerly stepped forward again, reaching up to wrap her arms around the Doctor. “I’m really glad you chose to give yourself another chance.” Her voice was slightly muffled in the crook of the Time Lord’s neck. “I can’t imagine a universe without you, Doctor”
“And you won’t have to. I’m right here with you and always will be.”