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Life in St. Petersburg was idyllic. Yuuri loved the frigid February weather, the coffee shop down the street that served delicious matcha tea and apple pastila, the wry smiles Yurio brought to dinner at least once a week. He didn’t know how he ever lived without his morning runs, walks by the beach, and hand in Victor’s. The ocean air breathed life into him, similar enough to Hasetsu that he never suffered homesickness for long.
“Who knew you would be such a morning person?” Victor snuck up behind him with a cup of warm coffee and a kiss on the cheek. “What are you doing sitting by the window? Aren’t you cold?”
“No, it’s nice,” Yuuri took the cup gratefully. “Now I get an excuse to cuddle up with a warm cup of joe.” The expression sounded so endearing with his Japanese accent. Victor couldn’t help but grin.
“Don’t get too comfortable. Yura is coming by soon.”
“Why?”
“Oh you know, same old excuses. He claims that he needs to review his performances, really he just wants to hang out,” Victor shook his head. “I’m making breakfast, by the way.”
“I knew today would be the day I die,” Yuuri grimly looked out the window. Hearing Victor’s laugh in response warmed him more than the coffee in his hands. Snow fell gently against the window, the chill dusting a pink blush across Yuuri’s nose as his pressed closer to the cold glass. He didn’t have any plans today, and he was determined to push away any guilt that accompanied lazing about.
Masha jumped up next to Yuuri. Her fluffy tail nearly slapped him in the face before he swatted it away. “Masha!” She panted cheerfully. She reminded Yuuri so much of Makkachin, from her appearance to her personality. It had already been a year since Makkachin passed, but Yuuri felt like it was only yesterday. “Victor, I’m going to take Masha out for a walk.”
“In this weather?”
“Sure, why not?”
“Just be careful, the sidewalks look slick.”
Yuuri had already grabbed his biggest winter coat and Masha’s leash. A storm was supposed to barrel in that afternoon, so he wanted to get Masha’s energy out before a cozy night in.
“Be back soon!” He called as he stepped into the cold, Masha bounding at his heels.
Dead trees lined the sidewalks as they ambled along the beautiful white streets. Yuuri loved snow and the peace it brought with it. A unique silence brought only by falling snow blanketed the neighborhood. It cleared Yuuri’s mind.
Masha was acting all her nearly two years of age, trying to run ahead and yanking Yuuri along with her. Laughing, Yuuri just followed her lead.
The snow came down steadily. It became increasingly more difficult to see through the white curtains of ice. Snowflakes burned Yuuri’s face as he looked to the sky, suddenly worried that he heard the meteorologist wrong that morning. “Masha, c’mon girl. Let’s go back!”
Masha didn’t appear to care which direction they were going, she just wanted to sprint there. She darted back towards home as soon as Yuuri turned. “Masha!” Before he registered what was happening, he was flat on his back with his ankle exploding in pain. His head slammed harshly into the iced sidewalk.
Masha didn’t realize that Yuuri wasn’t on the other end of the leash at first. By the time she realized her owner was missing, it was too far down the block and the snow had started to come down in earnest.
“Masha!” Yuuri yelled. It was hard to see with the snow covering everything in a blinding white and his vision swimming. “Masha, come back!” He gasped in pain. He couldn’t decide which was worse, the throbbing of his ankle or his head. Frantically, he patted his pockets down to search for his phone. After nearly dropping it a few times, he managed to call Victor.
“Hello?”
“Victor!” Yuuri exclaimed. “Victor, my ankle - I - I fell and twisted it. Masha ran off. It started snowing so much sooner than I thought!”
“Wait, slow down!” Victor said. Yuuri bit his glove, wishing he could just get off the icy sidewalk. He couldn’t move without his ankle protesting.
“Just go left out of the apartment and I will be a few blocks down. I need you to walk that way and call for Masha!”
“Are you okay? I’m on my way out the door right now. Stay on the phone with me, okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine, just f-freezing cold. I can’t move my foot at all.” Yuuri groaned. “And my head hurts so bad.” The snow was blinding now. He wanted to close his eyes, but he was worried he wouldn’t be able to open them. Right now would be a bad time for a nap.
“Okay, Yura is with me. He’s looking for Masha, I’m coming straight for you.” Yuuri heard Yura mumble something to Victor. “Yura says he will even let you pick the movie tonight, but you owe him an apple pastila.”
“Fine by me.” Yuuri pulled himself closer to a sitting position, though at the cost of a shooting pain from his ankle. “Just hurry up!”
Victor chatted aimlessly about how meteorologists were morons and the snow was an omen. Luckily, Yurio was able to spot Masha not far from the apartment. It made this whole ordeal a lot less stressful and gave Yuuri the chance to breathe.
“You look a little lost.” Victor squatted next to Yuuri and wrangled him into a standing position. Yuuri felt nauseous. “I know, you probably feel a little nauseous right now. Let’s get you to urgent care.”
“In this weather?”
“Where do you think we’re going? I’m not about to let you try to sleep this off.”
Yuuri blinked dumbly.
“Just come on.” Victor rolled his eyes and hoisted Yuuri up as they hobbled towards his car.
“My head-” Yuuri couldn’t finish his sentence as a wave of nausea overcame him.
“Shh, shh.” Victor buckled him in, kissing his forehead gently. “I got you.”
The trip to urgent care was uneventful, but long. The doctor sent him away with a temporary ankle brace, concussion pamphlets, and a promise that he would be back in shape in a little over a month. By the time Yuuri collapsed onto the couch that evening, he felt well past spent.
Masha jumped next to him and licked his face in what Yuuri read as an apology. Yuuri was worried about missing out on nearly a month of real training, but it was still early enough in the off season that he supposed it wouldn’t do too much damage. In all honesty, he was aching too much to worry about skating in the near future.
“My little injured bunny rabbit,” Victor cooed, descending on Yuuri with pillows, blankets, and kisses. “I will take care of you.”
“You don’t have to,” Yuuri grumbled. Secretly, it felt nice to just sit back and have someone fret over him. Not that he’d boost Victor’s ego any further.
“If he didn’t spoil you, he’d implode with nervous energy. You should see how he is when you go home for any longer than a few weeks.” Yurio said without looking up from his phone. The light illuminated his amusement.
“Aw, you have such a big crush on me!” Yuuri poked Victor’s blushing cheek.
“Yes, though I’m not the one who had Yuuri Katsuki posters covering my walls as a kid.” Victor looked pointedly at Yurio. By this point, it was an open secret that Yurio was a former (and current, if you ask Victor) Katsuki fanboy.
“Shut up, grandpa!”
They stuck their tongues out at each other in a battle that neither of them could win. Yuuri beamed at both of them.
“You both have big crushes on me!”
They burst into protests, both insisting that Yurio couldn’t possibly have ever had a crush on Victor’s Yuuri . By the time they settled in for a movie and Yurio’s specialty hot cocoa, Yuuri had almost forgotten the debacle that the day had turned into. His vision still swam, but the doctor said that would be normal. The headache was persistent. He was grateful that he wasn’t expected to do anything but lay on this couch. Before the opening credits were through, he was sleeping soundly with his face pressed against Victor’s leg.
Yuuri! Yura and I left to train. We should be back by three. Love you!
The note was taped to a bunch of bananas next to a post-it that just said breakfast? It made Yuuri smile.
The crutches he borrowed from Yurio were just too small, but the discomfort of movement was better than stewing on the couch all day. Wind whistled through the air outside the window. It was the first time in a long time Yuuri was actually alone for such a long stretch of time. And it will be like this for a few weeks, he lamented. I’m going to go crazy. Before too long, he was in too much paid to avoid laying down.
Time passes slower than ever when you can’t move, Yuuri discovered with disdain. After binge watching TV, playing seven different games on his phone, and scrolling through days of Instagram posts, it was still only noon. Yuuri sighed, rubbing his temples and regretting spending so much time staring at bright screens. He stared at the ceiling so long he was sure the texture was permanently burned into his brain. Worst of all, he couldn’t even relax on his favorite window seat since it was just too small to stretch out his leg comfortably.
I wonder what I’m missing out on in practice today. He thought. No, don’t go down that road . Spending any more time looking at a screen would put him in agony, but there was not much else to do. Reading made his eyes ache. He slipped into sleep to pass the time.
Several more identical days had gone by without Yuuri noticing. He was sleeping more and more, barely seeing Victor and Yurio when they were back. Lethargy had become the new normal for him. At one point, Yurio brought over his new kitten to cheer Yuuri up. The picture of the kitten curled up on top of a sleeping Yuuri’s face was still Yurio’s most liked Instagram post of the year.
When Yuuri slept a full ten hours one day without any signs of stopping, Victor had to intervene.
“Are you feeling okay?” Victor said as he knelt down beside the couch. Yuuri had slept the afternoon away, and clearly, he hoped to sleep the night away as well. Though it was difficult, Victor tried to remain a voice of optimistic reason. “Were you sleeping all day again?”
“There’s nothing else to do,” Yuuri yawned. “Plus, the doctor said I needed it to recover.”
“Yes, but not that much.” Yuuri hated the way Victor’s eyebrows furrowed in worry. It was unnecessary to worry; it was just sleep. “Should we book a check-up?”
“No, no. I can make it until my next appointment.”
Victor frowned. “That’s in three weeks, do you think you’ll be okay? If your headache worsens, we have to go.”
The sound of Victor’s voice was starting to grate on Yuuri’s ears. He tried to hide under the comforter he had nestled himself in. “Ah, ah!” Victor grabbed it before Yuuri could retreat.
“Go away!”
“I’m supposed to take care of you, so thank you for the suggestion, but no.” When Victor reached out to boop Yuuri’s nose, Yuuri slapped the hand away aggressively.
“Leave me alone,” Yuuri snapped furiously, surprising even himself. He was just so sick of hearing everything. Victor’s voice wasn’t comforting; it was killing his head. A sharp ringing echoed through his ears. He wanted to be alone, but he wanted comfort. Conflicting emotions battled it out at the expense of his sanity.
“Fine, have it your way.” Victor said. Nothing was more frustrating than a stubborn Yuuri. He quickly reeled in his irritation, knowing that wallowing or responding with equal anger would only escalate the situation. “Please at least come to bed tonight, okay? It’s better for your back and ankle.”
Yuuri grunted. It was as good as Victor was going to get. The tension was making him a little antsy. Despite the fact that Yuuri was dozing off again, the night was still young and Victor refused to sit around and do nothing. “I’m going out, hopefully the quiet will help your head.”
“Sure. Leave me here so you can go out with your more interesting friends,” Yuuri grumbled from his blanket nest.
“Yuuri?” Victor was hurt. After all the help he was offering, it still wasn’t enough. What was he doing wrong? He was running through his usual Yuuri-checklist, but every fix led to a thousand more problems.
“Nevermind, I…” Yuuri trailed off. Confusion colored his tone. “I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry.”
“Okay,” Victor clearly didn’t believe him. “I can stay, if you like? I just thought it would be better if you were alone.”
Yeah. Maybe it is better if I’m alone. Yuuri couldn’t pinpoint where this was coming from. He was overcome with sadness at the idea of Victor leaving, but at the same time, he couldn’t wait to fall asleep again. He felt his chest constrict as his frustration built. I can’t bring you down with me if I’m alone. No. No. That’s not really what I feel. I’m just so tired. I’ll just sleep it off and start over again tomorrow.
“Yuuri? Please let me help you. You know, if your headache is getting worse, we really need to go to the hospital.” Victor was by his side again, resisting the urge to reach out and comfort him. Realizing how much trouble this was causing, Yuuri felt too many emotions at once.
“Just go!” Yuuri’s shout surprised both of them. In an instant, Yuuri was curled back into his blanket nest. Wind sang outside their window. Just last week, Yuuri had pressed his face to the glass and told Victor how much he loved winter mornings. It felt like much longer.
“I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone, but I can tell you need your space,” Victor tried to reign in all the worry and frustration he felt. It wasn’t about him; it was about making sure Yuuri could recover. Yuuri was smart enough to know when it got serious. “I’ll only be out for a little while. Probably just across the street at Yura’s. Please keep your phone on in case you need something. I’ll come right over if you do.”
Victor didn’t expect a response, but he ached when the silence bid him goodbye.
“How is Katsuki?” Yurio asked through a mouthful of pizza. “I haven’t heard from him in a while.”
“He’s…” Victor wasn’t sure how much to share. It would probably only make Yuuri feel worse if everyone started to fret over him. “Coping. I think he’s getting cabin fever.”
“You should’ve brought him over. Seeing just you is boring.”
Victor punched Yurio’s arm. “Hey, I’m plenty fun. Besides, he’s been having a hard time walking. I want to make sure he can make a full recovery.”
Yurio contemplated his next question. “It’s his last season, isn’t it?” It was a sore subject among their friends. Victor thought Yuuri still had at least two years left in him, and Yurio had to agree. Mila and Georgi ambushed him one day and demanded that they hold some sort of come-to-Jesus meeting to force Yuuri to stick it out. They didn’t have the chance to before this whole shitstorm began.
“I think so. I’m worried for him. But I know it will all be okay!” Victor forced cheer. “I’ll be there for him. And I think retirement will suit us!”
“Of course you think that,” Yurio rolled his eyes. Victor thought everything would work out as long as he kept a smile on his face and loved hard enough. Yurio thought that was a naive way to live. “Leave some optimism for the rest of us.”
“Speaking of, how is Otabek?” It was an obvious change of subject, but Victor was desperate for one. Yurio didn’t care to push the issue, either.
“He’s finally coming to visit in a few weeks,” Yurio feigned exasperation. After months of subtle begging, Otabek managed to get a week off. Yurio had never tried so hard to hang out with someone, and it honestly exhausted him.
“Are you excited?” Victor beamed.
“What are you implying?”
“Don’t look so suspicious! It makes me think I’m right.”
“Right about what?” Yurio dared Victor to say what he was thinking. God forbid he have a friend for once who wasn’t part of this stupid patchwork family. Even Mila was starting to act like an old aunt. The twinkle in Victor’s eye was repulsive. Yurio couldn’t imagine himself dating anyone right now, but Victor always had that look on his face when Yurio brought up Otabek. It was starting to get inappropriate.
“My little Yura, growing up so fast,” Victor sniffled.
“Not little, not your son. Also, I’ll be pissed if Otabek tries anything. He’s the only cool person I know, it would totally suck if he ruined it by getting all.... you on me.” Yurio faked a barf.
“Why doesn’t he train here with us?”
“You can’t adopt everyone, you know?” As much as Yurio wanted Otabek to come train in St. Petersburg, he didn’t allow himself to hope. Not everyone had a happy ever after like Victor and Yuuri. Sometimes, it made Yurio genuinely bitter. “Besides, you and Katsuki are outliers. It should be criminal to be so happy.”
Victor’s silence made Yurio suspicious. Instead of getting starry eyed and lamenting over how he couldn’t actually live in Yuuri’s pocket, he paused before throwing a plastic smile Yurio’s way. For a moment, Yurio wondered if he accidentally crossed a foreign line.
Victor didn’t stay long after that, but it wasn’t because of the uncomfortable conversation. He hated leaving Yuuri alone for too long when he was suffering. Even if it was for the best, he couldn’t help but jump to the worst case scenario. Yurio would call him overbearing, but when it came to Yuuri being injured, Victor just didn’t want to risk it.
Yuuri was sleeping when he got back, but Victor wasn’t surprised. Masha was curled up at his feet. The tears staining his face looked fresh enough that it tore at Victor’s heart.
“I love you, Yuuri,” Victor whispered into his hair before planting a sweet kiss on his forehead. He gathered Yuuri up into his arms, his pile of blankets included, and carried him to bed. Yuuri stirred just slightly, but fell quickly back to sleep. Victor followed suit shortly after, holding Yuuri tightly to his chest.
It seemed like the worst was over after that. Yuuri was cleared to skate again and was ramping up training beautifully. Victor couldn’t be prouder of him. It seemed better now that he wasn’t trapped alone in the apartment all day. Victor felt like he was finally gaining equilibrium again.
One Saturday morning, Victor woke to Yuuri relaxing on his favorite window seat for the first time since the injury. He could have sworn his heart was on fire with joy.
“Good morning, Victor!” Yuuri threw a cheery smile over his shoulder. It wasn’t snowing today, but Yuuri focused his gaze on the clouds on the horizon instead of the slush that irritated pedestrians below.
“Good morning, my love,” Victor hugged him from behind. “How are you feeling today?”
“I’m happy to be back on the ice.”
“Me too.” Victor smacked a kiss on his cheek.
He wished it could have just stayed that way.
After morning practice that day, Victor started to notice Yuuri growing more and more impatient. He had been following Yuuri’s mood patterns for a while now, erratic as they were, and so he thought he was prepared. Practice went alright, though Victor was disappointed to see Yuuri making cutting remarks towards the other skaters for small mistakes. Even Yurio, who found the “new Yuuri” fun to snark with, stopped him when it got too far. Yuuri had rolled his eyes. When Yuuri snapped harshly at Mila for bumping into him on the way off the ice, Victor had to step in.
“Yuuri, come here,” he said. Yuuri turned his ire towards him. He slumped over, knowing he would lose this battle if he chose to fight.
“What?”
“Are you okay?” Victor took Yuuri’s head in his hands with concern, much to Yuuri’s disdain. He swatted Victor’s hands away immediately.
“I’m fine,” he mumbled.
“Well, if you need to take a breather, you can take the rest of the day off. You’ve been working hard this week and I don’t want you to overdo it in case you aggravate your injury.”
“You have no faith in me, do you?” Yuuri accused. Victor was floored. How did he jump to that so quickly? “Don’t you believe that I can bounce back? I’m so behind already and now I need to catch up to everyone. I don’t have time to sit out an afternoon or even an hour.”
“Whoa, calm down!” Yuuri was beginning to breathe heavily. “Yuuri, I need you to breathe with me, okay?”
“No! You aren’t my nurse!” Yuuri shouted with a childish whine, gathering the attention of nearby skaters. Mila and Yurio pretended not to listen, but they were bad actors. Victor knew it wasn’t possible to ignore a grown man throwing a tantrum.
“No, but I am your coach. And I am telling you to sit out for the afternoon. Go for a run, then go home.”
“Fuck you.” Yuuri said with little bite, but it spoke volumes. It was rare that Yuuri swore. Victor felt frustration and pent up anger at the surface, but knew he would once again have to tamper it down to get out of this situation as cleanly as possible. While he would do anything for Yuuri, he was long past the point of feeling the strain.
“Yuuri.”
Like usual, the fight drained from Yuuri and quickly converted into guilt. Victor could read Yuuri’s realization that he was taking this too far. He nodded solemnly, shoulders hunching in self defense. It was quiet in the rink as Yuuri left.
“What are you all doing here? You’re on lunch, be back here in one hour!” The skaters scurried off, except for Yurio.
“Hey, what the hell was that?”
Victor sighed. He really did not want to deal with Yurio right now. He took a quiet breath and forced a smile. “Oh, Yuuri just needs a break!”
“A break.” Yurio said flatly.
“Yes. Do you want to grab some food? My treat?” Please just say yes. Yurio shot him a side eye, but grudgingly agreed.
By the time Victor got home that evening, Yuuri was curled up on the couch. It hurt to see him look so similar to how he had right after the injury. Not for the first time, Victor wondered if he needed to do more. He couldn’t hold on to the anger and frustration from that afternoon. It would exhaust him if he did.
“Yuuri,” He shook Yuuri’s shoulder gently. “Let’s get you on the bed.”
Yuuri stirred. “Victor?” Suddenly, he remembered how embarrassing he had behaved all day. His eyes immediately filled with tears.
“Shh.” Victor pet his hair gently. “I got you, okay?”
As Yuuri slipped back into sleep, Victor took him into his arms and carried him to bed. It was worth all the stress, pain, pushing away his own feelings. It had to be worth it in the end or else Victor would be sacrificing himself for nothing. As he watched Yuuri burrow into bed, this time not giving Victor any opening to hold him, he wished again for his Yuuri back.
Yuuri woke up with a sinking feeling that it was going to be a difficult day. After the morning sun blinded him awake, he couldn’t shake himself into a sitting position, realizing that Victor had carried him to the bed last night. He hadn’t even realized he had gone to sleep.
With minimal physical effort that left his limbs exhausted, Yuuri withdrew his phone from underneath his pillow with a hard sigh. Sunday. It’s just Sunday. There’s nothing to do today. Good. It’s before 8:00 AM. There is time to sleep.
Satisfied with his allowance to push the day off a few more hours, Yuuri let himself succumb to sleep yet again with a heavy heart. Guilt seeped into his skin. At least the throbbing in his head was subsiding.
Two hours later, he woke up to Masha yapping at the bedroom door. It echoed in his clouded head and, uncontrollably irritable, he shouted at Masha to shut up until he could adjust to the morning. Unfortunately, poodles can’t speak human and she continued to bark.
Yuuri curled into himself on the bed. Why did Masha need a walk now? She hadn’t all week. Couldn’t she understand why he couldn’t take her outside?
“Masha,” he sighed. “I…”
Masha whined. Yuuri forced himself into a sitting position. Cotton filled his head, his eyes unable
Okay. I’ll just take Masha for a walk, and I’ll do the dishes. If I can do those two things, it will have been a good day, Yuuri promised himself. I can do it. Then Victor will be back and my head feels so much better, so I won’t annoy him.
He slips out of bed, head dizzy with sleep. He checks his phone again.
07:45 Victor: hi sleepyhead! :) you looked so cute sleeping so I let you rest. I’ll be back later, just running some errands with Yura. Take it easy.
08:18 Victor: I forgot to take Masha for a walk, so just let her out and watch her from the porch.
09:43 Victor: Text me when you wake up :) <3
He felt an ugly rush of irritation at Victor for forgetting to take Masha out and leaving it to him. As quickly as the feeling came, it washed away, leaving him with subdued guilt once again. He couldn’t stand the way his emotions teetered between angry and remorse. He let his mind wander as he got Masha ready to go.
The look on his rinkmates’ faces were too fresh in his memory. He hurt people; he, who knew all too well what it was like to be ridiculed and undermined. Why the hell did I do that? He lamented. I don’t deserve this self-pity. I’m the villain in this story . And here I am, just going on a midday walk like nothing's wrong. I should have stayed in bed.
Masha cocked her head as Yuuri came to a sudden stop.
“I’m sorry, Masha! We have to stop.” He collapsed onto the curb, surveying his surroundings while Masha sniffed around. A manic laugh bubbled in his chest when he realized he could still see their front door from where he was sitting. I couldn’t even make it past the block. Much to his dismay, he wasn’t the only one walking through the park on this dreary winter afternoon. Though they were far enough away that he was at most a side thought to them, he felt his chest constrict as the suffocating presence of strangers pushed on him.
Sweat beaded at his brow despite the cold. Humility washed over him. He yearned for his bed, where nobody could see him or judge him. Where he couldn’t hurt people. He laughed, frightening himself. Shame washed over him. He could feel how crazy he looked - crying, laughing, and clinging tightly to his knees.
Masha licked at Yuuri’s face, seemingly done relieving herself. Yuuri swayed as he stood up and made the short walk back to the apartment. He collapsed onto the porch weakly.
How long has it been since I’ve showered? That’s a good idea! After a shower, I’ll feel better. Then I’ll have the energy to do the dishes.
The thought of a warm shower was enough motivation to propel himself into the apartment, Masha following excitedly at his heels. He barely remembered to free her from her leash, dropping it heavily before peeling his clothes off on his way to the shower.
The haven of the shower, a safe zone where no one could bother him or expect anything from him, protected him from his own insecurities. He mourned the loss of that shield as he stepped out onto the cold tile and put on loungewear. The dishes piled in the sink taunted him, eyes filling with tears as he admitted defeat and headed for bed.
His phone was buzzing when he finally got as comfortable as he could.
12:32 Incoming Call: Victor
He pressed ignore and let his eyes slide closed. Sleep was elusive for once, but it felt good to block out the light again. A voicemail notification popped up on his screen, but he ignored it in favor of letting his throbbing brain rest. It occurred to him that he hadn’t messaged Victor back all day.
12:36 Incoming Call: Victor
He silenced his phone.
I’m sure no one’s actually that worried. I’m sure this is just a huge burden to them. I’m hurting them, and now they feel like they need to take care of me. How ridiculous. I wish nobody expected things of me. I don’t want to wake up.
He couldn’t tell how long it had been since he laid down. The curtains were drawn which blocked out all proof of time passing. It could’ve been minutes; it could’ve been hours. Masha jumped on the bed with him, licking away his tears before he knew they were falling. As though waking from a hazy dream, he suddenly felt the tension in his face and shoulders. His jaw ached from clenching so hard. Without warning, a cry burst out of him.
“I’m sorry!” He cried into Masha’s fur. He should have known this would happen. He always did this. Nothing was even wrong, except that he was making everyone miserable. Stop making everything about you!
He felt frozen. Chest constricting tightly, his arms wrapped around Masha as if she could pull him out of the tunnel his mind spiraled down. He cried and cried, feeling completely lost and confused. Why was he acting like this? How could he face Victor and his friends? They must think he’s completely crazy. Did they keep him around just to belittle him? Is that it? No, he knew that was ridiculous. Then why did he think it?
“Yura, could you pick up that leash and hang it by the door? I’ll grab the clothes.”
“Hmph. It’s not my fault that it’s a mess in here!”
“Shut up and do it.”
“Fine. But only because I can’t eat dinner in filth.”
“Thank you!”
He had left the bedroom door open, giving an unfortunately perfect view right into the living room where Yurio was begrudgingly helping Victor clean up. Scared to face punishment for his sloth, Yuuri burrowed deeper into the comforter and Masha’s fur. He hid his face right before Victor padded into the room softly. The carefulness of his steps, quiet so he wouldn’t disturb Yuuri, sparked warmth in Yuuri’s chest.
“Masha!” Victor said quietly. Yuuri tensed as Victor moved closer. “Are you keeping Yuuri company today? You are such a sweet girl!” A soft kiss to Masha’s head, then Yuuri’s, and the footsteps retreated. Yuuri wondered if Victor knew he wasn’t asleep; otherwise, he would have definitely tried to wake him up from another day long sleep. Just before he closed the door, Victor sighed a sweet “I love you both!”
“Are you done being gay?”
“Far from it,” Victor bit back jovially.
Yuuri couldn’t stop the tears from filling his eyes yet again. How could anyone be so sweet to him? He felt a tepid anger build in his chest. It was illogical to be so comforting when Yuuri had just yesterday pushed him away. By the time he realized he was crying audibly, Victor had too.
“Shh. It’s okay. I’m here,” Victor soothed, gathering Yuuri into his arms, blankets and all. “I know. I know.” He kissed the back of Yuuri’s ear, which was an unexpected comfort. “Let it out. Then we can talk, but only if you want.”
Yuuri felt a wave of ease overcome him as the tightness in his chest eased. Though Victor wasn’t a cure by any means, he was welcome company.
“Katsuki?” Yurio looked so young standing the doorway, eyes wide. “What’s wrong with him?”
“You shouldn’t have brought him,” Yuuri said fiercely. Every inconvenience was magnified into a searing anger that burst out of him at random. While he did feel embarrassed and angry that yet another person was here to condescend to him, he didn’t mean to show it.
“Just go finish the dishes.” Victor sounded exhausted. Yuuri had done that to him.
“Are you serious?” He said, feelings obviously hurt even if he tried to mask it. Yuuri had done that too.
“Yura.” Victor commanded, eyes piercing as Yurio backed away. How pitiful Yuuri must look for Yurio to listen so easily.
“I’m sorry, Victor!” Yuuri cried softly. He felt all over the place. He couldn’t maintain one feeling at a time. They all wanted to burst out of him, making his skin crawl and chest ache. “I tried to take Masha for a walk, but I barely made it a block. And I didn’t even realize I left my clothes everywhere. And the dishes, I meant to do them but-”
“But you aren’t feeling well. It’s fine,” Victor assured with a kiss to Yuuri’s forehead. Yuuri curled into himself even further. “We are making dinner. Would you like to join us?”
Yuuri sniffled. “Maybe.”
Victor held him tightly, trying his best to absorb his pain. Yuuri only wished he could go to sleep.
In the kitchen, Yurio was playing a lazy game of tug-o-war with Masha. He had swiftly finished putting the dishes away and ran a new load, but his hands still felt jittery. It’s not like I’m worried or anything, he thought. I just hope he’s not out for the season that’s all. Yurio just wanted to beat him again before the chance was gone.
He knew something was off. Yuuri rarely snapped at him. It wasn’t how Yuuri dealt with conflict. The last time Yurio could remember Yuuri even expressing anger towards him was when he went a little overboard on the trash talk with Minami. Yurio hated having to take responsibility for that one.
“Yurio, help me with dinner?” Victor said as he swept back into the kitchen. Before Yurio could even respond, Victor was pulling ingredients from everywhere. Yurio grew more confused.
“Yo, calm down a sec,” Yurio said. Victor pretended he didn’t hear. “You’re being weird. Katsuki’s being weird. What’s wrong with him? Why was he crying?
Victor stopped and sighed. “It’s nothing for you to worry about.”
“Well that doesn’t exactly make me less curious…”
“Please, just trust me. I can take care of it. Just be pleasant, okay?”
Yurio side eyed him hard. “I’m always pleasant.”
Victor laughed, but Yurio didn’t like the sound. Victor was always putting on appearances. Whether it was his pseudo-stupidity or facade of confidence, he tried to shoulder his own hurts in favor of others. Long ago, Yurio might have idolized him for it. Right now he felt pity.
He didn’t know how to approach the topic. How do you ask someone if they’re really okay? Victor would head straight into denial to save face for Yuuri, but Yurio thought he was more like family than that. He’d seen Yuuri at his worst already, so why did Victor feel the need to hide? At this point, his attempts were thinly veiled. All Yurio’s rinkmates noticed that Victor was looking more and more rundown as the days went by. It only made the gossip about Yuuri sucking the life out of Victor’s career worse. Yurio defended both of them as best he could, but without knowing the truth, it was difficult.
“If you tell me, maybe I can help.”
“I…” Victor looked for a moment like he wanted to say something, but pulled back. “I’m sorry. I can’t do that to Yuuri.”
“You let him get away with too much. He’s snapped more than I’ve ever seen before, and you just let it happen.”
“He can’t help it. He’s in pain.”
“So are you.” Victor’s silence was all the proof Yurio needed that his assumptions were correct. “I can tell you’re barely keeping it together. You look like shit and you have that creepy, fake happy smile all the time. You’re hiding all of this shit about him and playing mother hen, but maybe that’s not what he needs.”
“What would you know about what he needs?”
“A lot! Because I’m here too!” Yurio didn’t realize how much it hurt to be shut out until the words came out. All the warmth had been sucked out of the apartment lately; though it wasn’t a battlefield, it was far from a second home. “I see it even if you think you’re good at hiding. I’m not going to keep quiet just because you want to cocoon him in a nest, as if isolating him is really going to keep him from himself.”
“I know you think that you understand,” Victor said. “But I can’t expect a child to know how to handle this sort of situation.”
“And you’re clearly doing such a great job.” Yurio rolled his eyes.
“I’m doing my best.” Victor’s tone was tired and heavy.
Yurio knew that Victor really was trying the best he could. He saw how hard Victor tried to keep Yuuri safe. It was that commitment that fed into Yuuri’s isolation, leaving him to feel embarrassed and think too hard about his own shortcomings. While Victor tried to push as much love onto Yuuri as possible, he still struggled to understand when Yuuri couldn’t accept it.
Yurio didn’t respond, but he knew he couldn’t keep quiet about this.
Yuuri wished he could end this waking coma and greet his pseudo-family with a bright smile as they indulged in his favorite dish. The sight of his family, his favorite food and Masha’s beaming face as he shuffled out of the room only punched guilt deep into his chest. Yurio surely thought he was a loser. He was supposed to be someone Yurio could look up to, but instead he was just someone to pity. The embarrassment of yesterday burned like a fresh wound. He adjusted his glasses onto his face, grateful for the small protection they granted him from the world.
He leaned against the door as he tried to figure out how to get to the dinner table without attracting their attention right away.
For just a moment, Yurio and Yuuri’s eyes met across the kitchen. It was enough for Yuuri to feel drained of energy, guilty and jaded. What was wrong with him that he had the audacity to yell at Yurio? If anything, Yurio should be giving him a dressing down. Yuuri should be helping build up the other skaters, giving advice and encouragement where he could. Instead snapped, hassled, or even laughed at them. He didn’t feel like himself at all, but how could he explain that to the people who he was hurting most?
He saw the tampered down aggression in Yurio’s eyes. He refused to read it as concern.
“Yuuri!” Victor cheered. “We are just about done. Yura set the table for us!”
Yuuri couldn’t bring himself to say anything, but he smiled as much as he could. The smell of pork wafted through the air.
Yurio’s voice cut through the silence. “Okay, I think-”
“Yura.” Victor warned without turning from the stove. Yurio knew it was risky to try and air this out now, but after looking at Yuuri’s pathetic state, his irritation resurfaced.
“No, this is stupid. You want me to just sit and pretend like nothing happened?”
Yuuri’s face burned. Victor turned sharply. “I want you to have some respect.”
“What, like what you’re doing is more respectful? Pretending like everything is just perfect? I can see how tense you are, even right now. You think that’s helping? Pfft.” Yurio rolled his eyes. “At least if I know what’s going on I can try to understand.”
“It’s not for me to say.”
“Please…” Yuuri tried to speak, but the words died before reaching Yurio and Victor.
“Look, there is clearly a problem, and it’s pretty rude that you’re both going to shut me out and make me watch like some stranger,” Yurio fumed. “I’m not stupid, I know something is off. I’m not actually a kid anymore, you know? I want to be there for him, too.”
“It’s not about you!” Victor tried to keep his voice level, but his irritation was growing rapidly. He glanced at Yuuri as though he had forgotten who they were arguing about in the first place. Yuuri saw for the first time how tired and hurt he looked. “Yuuri, I am so sorry.”
Yuuri was suddenly furious with himself. It was everything he’d feared would happen when he let his emotions overcome him. This is what he always tried to avoid, and it was why he often sought solitude in times of trouble. When others got involved, it only got messy. The silence hung painfully in the air.
Victor paused, feeling awkward about what to do next. “Is everything okay? I can save your dinner for later, or…” It was clear he couldn’t think of anything else to say. As he trailed off, his eyes found Yuuri’s and Yuuri felt himself drown a little in the weight of his gaze.
“I’m okay,” he lied. “I’m sorry for worrying you. And for how I have behaved lately.” He looked to the floor, knowing how fake he sounded but trying his best anyway. “Please, don’t fight.”
Yurio and Victor shared a heavy look. “No,” Yurio said reluctantly after a moment. “We’re sorry.”
“What, why?” Why wouldn’t they let him apologize? It was all he had to offer.
“We shouldn’t have fought in front of you like that.” Victor ran a hand through his hair. “It was rude.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Yuuri forced a yawn. He had never felt more wired, but it was the quickest way he could excuse himself. “I’m going to go back to sleep. I’ll eat later.” A tense silence fell over the room as Yuuri shuffled back to bed while Yurio and Victor struggled for words that could mend the tension.
“Wow. You’re both acting like idiots. I’m going back to my place. He better be smiling next time I see him.” Yurio said.
Victor swallowed his worry and sent a patented smile that he knew Yurio would no doubt see through. “I will take care of it.” Victor was left alone with three servings of Yuuri’s favorite dinner and no one there to see him pinch the bridge of his nose, breathing in deeply to hold himself together.
It only got worse. Victor was trying so hard to keep up the appearance of being okay, but he couldn’t predict Yuuri at all. From snapping when Victor dropped his keys on the hardwood to frenzied laughing when Victor told him that people were starting to worry, it was impossible to adjust to any one mood. All the progress they had made since Yuuri got back on the ice seemed to evaporate. Or maybe he had just missed it. He knew Yurio had a point, but he didn’t know what to do. How can you give tough love to Yuuri, who seems to be in a constant state of resenting himself?
He searched all over for information on what could cause this behavior. Everything suddenly clicked together after three weeks of Yuuri’s unpredictable behavior. Victor was distraught over how obvious the answer was. The pamphlets, he’d forgotten all about the stupid pamphlets! They had all the warning signs listed, all of the issues he should watch out for. Hidden under the bed, tossed aside with no second thought, Victor wanted to implode when he found them. The world offered solemn irony as he stared at the first pamphlet which described the emotional impact of concussions. Never had he felt such shame for his aloofness.
How could he have known it would be the head injury? It hadn’t been a concern at urgent care. The headaches had gone away. He’d been cleared to skate. How could he know what to watch out for? He should have known the minute that Yuuri seemed off. But he was just one man, and he couldn’t predict this sort of thing. Yuuri had a history of mental struggles, how was Victor supposed to differentiate between that and this? Victor forced himself to take a walk, careful not to wake Yuuri as he stood with the pamphlets in one hand. His chest began to heave with anxiety, and he knew Yuuri was in no position to worry about anyone else’s emotional state.
Victor knew how difficult this conversation would be, but it had to happen. Yurio was right; he needed to stop treating Yuuri so delicately. It was making them both miserable.
After a half hour of wandering their neighborhood, Victor felt more confident. The matcha teas he picked up to ease the tension burned his hands as he trudged through slush back to their apartment. He’d been regretful to leave Yuuri alone at all after finding those pamphlets, but clearing his head helped him figure out how to approach the situation.
He took a deep breath as he stood outside their door, tray in one hand, fumbling for his keys. His hands shook.
He knew as soon as he opened the door that something was wrong. It was eerily silent.
“Yuuri?” He called. He didn’t expect a response, but worry mounted when he didn’t get one. “Yuuri!”
Masha was whining in the living room. As soon as she noticed Victor, she hopped frantically around him. “Yuuri, where are you?”
“Don’t!” He heard a strangled cry from the bathroom. “Don’t come in here, okay?”
Fear gripped Victor. He rushed toward the bathroom, dropping the tray of tea in his panic to reach the door faster. The panic grew as he found the door locked. He banged on the door desperately.
“Open the door. Please, Yuuri. Just open the door for me. Please.” His voice broke, unable to keep his grief to himself. All the stress built up over the past few months were heavy tons on his shoulders. He slumped against the door. “Yuuri. I need to see you.”
“No!” Yuuri shouted, scared. “Don’t come in!” His voice was fading, growing softer and softer as they continued to yell at each other. Soon, Victor couldn’t stand the door in his way.
The next five minutes were the worst Victor could remember. In a blur, he forced the door open, splinters falling to the floor. And there was Yuuri - towels clutched in shaking hands, pressed to his forearms. Victor swallowed a cry. He didn’t have time to cry. He only had time to react.
His Yuuri was on the floor. His Yuuri was pressing towels to his forearms. Why was he doing that? Victor couldn’t recall. His brain had blurred out the possibilities, throwing him into chaotic denial.
“It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. I got you.” Victor hugged Yuuri to his chest, carrying him gently as he could. He didn’t know if it was the right choice, but he didn’t want to wait for an ambulance. He could drive faster, right? That was safe, right?
He didn’t know. He’d been trying so hard to make the right decisions. He wasn’t sure what was right anymore. All he could do was trust his instincts. He settled Yuuri into the backseat.
“You are going to keep talking to me. Do not stop until we get there. I need to know you’re awake.”
“Victor-”
“Yuuri!” Victor couldn’t contain his fear. He couldn’t stop to consider how startled Yuuri looked. Is that a red stain on those towels? He wanted to push the thought aside. No, face the situation that you created, Victor . You know exactly what that is. “Please! I am begging you. Just listen to me!”
“Okay,” Yuuri sobbed. Victor couldn’t stand to see him shaking, but stopped himself from telling him it was all okay. It clearly wasn’t. “Okay, I-I just I don’t know...I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Victor couldn’t say anything. All he could do was pull out of the parking lot, listen to Yuuri apologize over and over again with manic fear, and drive.
Yurio was warming down from morning practice when Victor decided to show his face. He walked straight to Yakov’s administrative office, looking ice cold.
“Hey! You’re late!” Yurio called. He was being kind when he used the word ‘late’. Victor hadn’t shown up to morning practice at all. Yakov had stepped in, which was not nearly as effective seeing as he had grown rusty in the few years since his partial retirement.
“I’m sorry, Yurio. I’ll be just a moment!” Victor’s smile was anything but reassuring.
Yakov seemed surprised to see Victor at all. Yurio slowed his laps and craned his neck to watch. While he couldn’t hear anything, the tension of the conversation was visible. Mila and Georgi, who were practicing step sequences in the middle of the rink, had also stopped. After a few tense, silent moments, Victor tread out of the office. No one said a word as he shot them a smile and left with an empty promise to be back soon.
13:15 Otabek: how is katsuki doing lately?
13:18 Yurio: idk...
13:19 Otabek: is everything okay?
13:20 Yurio: idk. victor keeps trying to pretend like it is. really pissing me off. call if you can, its easier to explain that way
13:22 Incoming Call: Otabek
“Hey,” Yurio fidgeted with his comforter. “I’m not interrupting you or anything am I?”
Otabek huffed. “Just got out of practice for the day. Probably what you should be doing instead of gossiping about your friends, huh?”
“Victor just ghosted during practice today and Yakov told us to take a half day. We’ve been doing ‘half days’ all week. Not that we actually leave anyway. Even for early off season, it’s weird how disengaged Victor is.”
“So what’s going on?” Otabek was never one to beat around the bush, which Yurio could usually get on board with. For some reason, he felt nervous to have this serious of a conversation.
“I don’t really know. Katsuki’s been going off the deep end. Not that long ago, I was training with Victor and we went to his place to eat dinner with Katsuki. Except the place was a mess and Katsuki was sleeping.” Yurio paused. It suddenly felt too personal to share.
“So what?” Otabek prodded.
“So I had to clean all this shit up for some reason. Which fine, I guess I don’t mind helping out, but then Katsuki started crying and he snapped at me, which he’s been doing a lot lately. I just stood there feeling like a complete idiot and I don’t even remember what I said,” Yurio felt the story spill from him. It was a relief to confide in someone who wasn’t in the depths of whatever drama was happening. He hadn’t had a chance to talk to Otabek since this ordeal began. “And Victor acted like nothing weird happened at all, except it was clearly obvious that something was wrong. But nobody will tell me anything. I haven’t heard from Katsuki since then and Victor keeps coming to practice with that stupid look on his face like everything is totally fine, when I know it isn’t. It’s freaking me out. It’s like the life was just zapped from him. If I didn’t see Victor for practice almost every day, I’d be more worried.”
“How are you holding up?”
“I’m doing fine.”
“Really, though...I know how close you and Katsuki are. I wish I could be there for you.”
“You’ll be here soon enough to distract me from all this bullshit.” Before Otabek could respond, a loud heavy knock sounded at Yurio’s door. “Hold on a sec. Who is it?”
“It’s me,” Victor sang from the other side of the door. Yurio was beginning to think Victor sounded a little insane.
“What’s up with - whoa.” Victor was standing there, eyes wild. Yurio immediately sensed there was something severely wrong. Victor looked paler than ever, a stark contrast to his red rimmed eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. I need you to come with me.” Victor said with a false sense of calm. His hands were held politely behind his back, tension in his shoulders painful to look at. “Now.”
“What-” Yurio started.
“Yura. Please.” Victor pleaded with soft desperation. Yurio was frightened by this Victor. He could never get a good read on him. Almost in a trance, he told Otabek he’d have to call him back and followed Victor out to his car.
“Where are we going? Where’s Yuuri?” He was aware of how small he sounded.
“It’s all going to be fine,” Victor assured, though it sounded like it was more for himself than Yurio.
“That doesn’t really make me feel like it’s going to be fine.”
It was silent as Victor continued the drive. Yurio watched the buildings go by, realizing with dread that he recognized this route. He had driven this way many times before his grandfather passed.
“The hospital? Victor?” Yurio pleaded for an answer. “Where is Yuuri? Where is he?” He felt manic and betrayed. Guilt mounted on his chest as he realized the severity of what this meant. “Fucking tell me!”
“It’s all fine,” Victor said. Yurio wanted to punch him. How can he be so calm? It’s clearly not fine! “He just wanted to see you. I promised him I’d bring you.”
“Tell me what’s happening, god dammit! You can’t keep doing this!”
“It’s fine!” Victor shouted before immediately deflating. His hair, brushed carefully to the side before in an attempt to look put together, fell into his eyes. He raked through his hair with a jagged motion, leaving it looking more like a mess than Yurio had ever seen it. It revealed more about the situation than Yurio could stand.
“I’m sorry. Just-” Victor paused, trying to select the best words to convey what he needed from Yurio. “Talk to him when we get there. That’s all he wants. I want to tell you, but I made a promise that he would be the one to explain it to you.”
“What did you do to him? Victor, I swear to God, is he okay?” Yurio was frantic.
Victor put on his most pleasant face, but all the effort in the world couldn’t hide his pain. The tension pained Yurio to look at. He wanted to comfort Victor, but this entire situation was foreign to him. “Everything will be fine in the end.”
The nurse that led them to Yuuri’s room was too upbeat and happy for the situation. Yurio felt increased anxiety with each step they took.
“Yura-” Victor started, trying to warn Yurio not to react too strongly, but the words caught in his throat.
“Fuck.” Yurio gasped. There was Katsuki, pale face waxy and drained. He was reading a colorful Japanese light novel, but he put it down and beamed when he realized who Victor had brought.
“Yura!” Yuuri smiled weakly. Yurio felt his heart drop as he surveyed the scene. Yuuri’s arms were wrapped in white gauze from his wrists to halfway up his forearm. Realizing how exposed his injuries were, Yuuri quickly hid his arms under his blankets with shame, although it was too late. A rush of hot anger rushed through Yurio’s ears.
“What did you do?” Anger, confusion, and grief struck him with no barrier. Unable to direct it toward Yuuri, he unleashed his hurt on Victor. “You promised to take care of him! You said you’d change! How could you let this happen? And don’t say it’s fine.”
“ Stop it !” Yuuri shouted from his bed. The silence suffocated the room. Yurio couldn’t bear to look at either of them. “It’s not his fault.”
“I don’t trust you. I don’t trust him with you.” Yurio pointed at Victor, who had yet to speak. “I knew something was wrong with you. Fuck. I knew it. I told Otabek that it was obvious something was wrong. I’m so fucking-” Yurio was surprised to find he was crying. Unable to stand any longer, he collapsed into the chair situated next to Yuuri’s bed.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Yuuri.” He ran a hand through his hair, letting it get tangled in the mess. “I wanted to help. I should’ve been better for you both.”
“No. I’m the one who should be apologizing.” Yuuri looked ragged. I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through. Please let me explain.”
“Do your parents know?”
“No. And we are going to keep it that way. I refuse to have them worry about me while I’m here.”
“And what? You thought it would just be swept under the rug when someone found you dead on the floor? Or did you just hope we’d clean that mess up too?” Yurio was so angry . He felt hurt for Yuuri, but he also felt deep protection for Victor. What gave Katsuki the right to do this to them? To him? As he looked to Yuuri’s deep, hurt eyes, he felt the fight drain out of him. He understood how difficult it must have been for Victor, knowing that Yuuri was hurting but unable to do anything to help.
“Yura, that’s enough.” Victor put a comforting hand on Yurio’s shoulder. “Come on, let’s go calm down. You clearly aren’t ready to talk."
Yurio wanted to argue, but he knew it wouldn’t do any good, so he just huffed and let Victor lead him out. It was quiet until they were a block from the hospital, walking aimlessly just to get away from the stark white walls.
“I know this is hard,” Victor started. “But please respect his wishes to keep this private. If you’re feeling angry, take it out on me. Not him.”
“Who else knows?"
“Phichit is coming next week. Yakov suspects, but we plan on telling everyone that it was just a complication with his head injury and the hospital visit is a precaution.” It’s not a lie, but it’s vague enough that it could mean anything. Victor was already dreading the questions he would have to answer. “He insisted that you come visit first, though. He feels so bad for what this put you through. But it’s really all going to be okay, I don’t want you to worry.”
“It’s too late for that.”
“I’m handling it, alright? You don’t need to worry about helping. Just keep being there for him, that’s all he needs from you.” Yurio couldn’t trust Victor’s pleasant tone. It held just a sliver of harried anxiety, enough that Yurio felt on edge himself. All of Victor’s placating words meant nothing to him.
“You aren’t making me feel any better,” Yurio grumbled. “How can you be so calm?”
Victor considered the question. “Would you like some ice cream? There is a superb creamery just around the corner.”
Yurio could tell he wasn’t going to get anywhere with Victor, so with a scowl on his face, he agreed to a pity ice cream. It reminded him all too much of the days Victor accompanied him to visit his grandfather, placating him with sweet treats to distract him from the tragedy falling around his ears. This time, Yurio was older and more prepared.
“Is he really going to be okay?” Yurio pressed when they had settled on a small table outside. Victor watched geese across the street, his gaze revealing more emotion than Yurio had seen from him all week.
“Yes,” Victor stressed. “I will make sure of it.”
Yuuri felt his heart plummet once Victor led Yurio out of the room. Though he expected a bad reaction from Yurio, it still hurt. He wanted so badly for things to return to normal, to pretend like this self-inflicted nightmare had never happened at all. The echoes of Victor barrelling through the bathroom door in a flurry of frantic emotion, Masha whining from the living room, was all too fresh. He doesn’t think he will ever forget the sound of Victor swallowing a scream and dropping to his knees to scoop Yuuri up like a child.
Physically, Yuuri was fine. The pain was manageable; the wounds were sutchered. The hospital put him on watch until evening just to be sure, but with a medical diagnosis that seemed to explain away all the recent chaos, there was no need to keep him longer than that. All urges had been drained from him for now.
Victor had done everything for him so far, so much so that Yuuri felt nearly suffocated with love. Appointments had been set for at least the first week, his recovery planned like a training schedule for his mental health. It relaxed him to think of it that way. It was easier than thinking about what he did to himself. At least he had time to recover if he hoped to compete one more year.
He didn’t want to let his family know. While he knew they were endlessly supportive, he couldn’t bear to place another emotional burden on them. Despite Victor urging him to seek solace in his family, he felt that the pressure of too many voices would impede his recovery. Phichit, Victor, and Yurio were the only ones he felt comfortable sharing this with. Now that the cause was acknowledged, he could focus on emotional recovery.
Despite knowing it was the best decision for him, Yuuri worried for how the privacy was impacting Victor. He’d yet to see Victor break stride since he was admitted to the hospital early that morning. It had been seven hours of intense chaos. The bags under Victor’s eyes and tense shoulders gave away his fragility under the infallible facade he hid behind. Yuuri knew he forced Victor into an impossible situation, but he was in an inescapable prison himself. When this was all over, he wanted to never see this side of Victor again. At the very least, he never wanted to be the cause.
He knew the strain this was putting on Victor, not just now, but everything that happened since his injury. After he was released, he wanted to finally show Victor that things would be different and Victor wouldn’t have to shoulder this burden on his own again.
Victor had been holding himself together by a fragile string. It wasn’t effective or healthy, but he had to set himself aside until he could bring Yuuri home and ensure he was safe. He hadn’t stopped moving and problem solving since he’d come home that morning to a painful silence. The teas he’d intended to share with Yuuri that morning were likely permanently stained on the living room carpet.
Victor made calls all morning, setting up appointments while nurses attended to Yuuri. When they kicked him out for worrying other visitors with his frantic pacing, he took it as an opportunity to visit Yakov and urge him to keep the other skaters from visiting in the hospital. By the time he’d been able to see Yuuri again, he put on his best face and shared the recovery plan he’d built. He’d assured Yuuri that he would drive him to each therapy session and prescription refill until he felt confident enough to go by himself. The endless gratitude in Yuuri’s eyes was worth any stress.
A kind nurse had pressed a cup of tea into his hands not long after Victor had settled into the waiting room while Yurio visited with Yuuri. Yurio deserved an explanation, and Victor knew he couldn’t be the one to give it. He hadn’t sat still for more than a few minutes at a time. His hands were shaking and his shoulders ached. He was grateful to have a bit of time to rest, though he despised having no distraction. The last time he caught his reflection, it hadn’t looked good.
The last weeks had all but drained him. Yuuri hadn’t shown any of his usual signs of emotional distress until suddenly Victor found himself in constant fear of setting him off. It was all he could take just to hold himself together. Discovering the cause of all this only made him feel worse for not realizing sooner. He felt like he failed Yuuri.
“Victor?” He didn’t realize Yurio had even walked back into the waiting room until he slumped down on the seat to his right. “I’m sorry.”
Victor’s head shot up. “For what?”
“I didn’t realize...I wasn’t thinking.” Yurio sighed. “I just feel so bad for Katsuki and worried for you, it just kind of all came out. And I’m so angry at the stupid doctors. Shouldn’t they have warned you?”
Victor pinched the bridge of his nose. “They did.” He let out a heavy breath. “I should have known. But his headache was gone and-”
“A pamphlet and a suggestion to take it easy isn’t exactly useful.” Yurio interrupted. Victor didn’t deserve to suffer any more than he already had over this. He could see the gears turning painfully in Victor’s head. Yuuri’s self-destruction was tearing him apart. “I get it. You had no clue. Neither did he. It’s not exactly common knowledge.”
“I-” Victor found himself at a loss for words. “I promised you it would be okay.”
“Thanks to you, it is.”
Victor shook his head. “If I had been more attentive-”
“Victor.” Yurio pulled Victor into an awkward side hug. He wasn’t accustomed to comforting others, and he was clearly not a pro at it. Victor almost melted into the hug, starved for comfort but he wouldn’t allow himself to lean on Yurio. Instead, he gathered himself and tried to move on. Yurio could tell that Victor didn’t have enough energy left in him to pretend.
“I am doing my best. Now that we know the cause, we’re moving forward with treatment. Yuuri will be okay.”
“But what about you?”
“That’s not a concern.”
Yurio forced Victor to look at him. “How can you say that? How can you not care about yourself like that? He needs you!”
“Yes, you’re right. He needs me to be calm.” Victor fought the urge to raise his voice. “He doesn’t need me to depend on him for comfort."
“Then depend on me!”
“No.” Victor stood, letting Yurio’s arm fall limply by his side. It was bad enough that he had to shoulder all of Yuuri’s pain. He couldn’t possibly throw both of their struggles on Yurio. “You’re just a child, Yura.”
“I’m nineteen. I might not be an old man, but you clearly need to talk to someone.”
“What do you want to hear?” Victor collapsed back onto the chair, hands buried in his hair. He felt any remaining fight leave him. “That I’m going crazy and I feel like everything is my fault? How can I do that, Yura? I’m not the one in the hospital. I just want everything to go back to normal, so I tried to just stick it out, hoping it would change naturally if I could just be…enough. I just needed to be happy enough, supportive enough, there enough. But none of it worked. It was like he wasn’t even seeing me there, right next to him, loving him as hard as I could.” Victor’s voice grew increasingly unstable as he talked. He touched a hand to his face, feeling tears there. He couldn’t remember if he had let himself cry yet. By the way they kept coming, blinding him and falling onto his lap, he would guess not. Yurio sat silently, stronger than Victor expected. He realized he had been underestimating Yurio, who had grown into a strong, young man since they first met. “I wanted to hide him away and let him heal himself. He doesn’t like to have everyone know he’s struggling. I thought it was the best way to help him again. I just wanted to do the best thing for him, and I was so wrong.”
“You know, he told me to watch out for you while he can’t. He’s scared for you. He can see all of the shit you’re putting yourself through for him. It’s not just me.” Yurio wasn’t sure if Victor would be up to more contact, but he reached a comforting arm around his shoulders again. This time, Victor collapsed against Yurio, finally letting all his pain out.
Recovery was going to be long and arduous, but the feeling was rewarding. The first week of therapy had been hard, but Yuuri was feeling better than he had in a long time. The relief of diagnosis took a huge weight off his shoulders. Yurio had followed him around like a puppy all week, barking at anyone who asked about the bandages around his wrists. Eventually, Yuuri had to tell him to relax before people started to make worse assumptions than reality.
Phichit was coming to visit, and Yuuri had been buzzing with excitement all yesterday. He cleaned all day, baked all evening, and even set a countdown on his phone that he showed Victor every hour. Victor was supportive, but when Yuuri barged in during his relaxing candle lit bath, he had to put a foot down.
After a night of restless sleep, Yuuri woke up excited to test out the muraveynik cake that was waiting for him in the refrigerator. Baking helped calm his mind and gave him something to look forward to other than skating. With his retirement looming, he discovering this new hobby was a blessing.
Victor was at the table when Yuuri stepped out of the shower, muraveynik already out and half eaten. “I’m sorry!” He said, cake falling out of his mouth. Yuuri made a face. Victor really could be gross sometimes.
“That was going to be a surprise!”
Victor smiled cheekily. “It was, I promise!”
“Well, now that you’re here and eating my cake…” Yuuri stole Victor’s fork right before Victor took another bite. “Mmm. I wanted to talk to you before Phichit comes into town.”
Yuuri wasn’t always great about being straightforward, but he wanted to try. While the concussion had been a catalyst, neither of them had handled the situation well. If anything like this happened again, Yuuri needed to trust that they could manage it together.
“You know how much I appreciate you helping me despite how much it put you through.” Yuuri took a breath, trying to ease his anxiety. “But I don’t want this to happen to us again. Whether it’s me or you, we need to be open and not be so scared of hurting each other. It’s holding us back more than anything.”
Victor nodded gravely. “I know. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You couldn’t have known.” Yuuri put a hand on his knee. The touch calmed both of them. “You shouldn’t bear all the burden yourself. If you feel you can’t talk to me, I want you to at least talk to Chris, or Yurio, or even Yakov. Anyone. Even if I’m begging you for privacy, that doesn’t mean you can’t vent to someone close to you. It’s unfair for me to expect you to keep everything to yourself, especially when you’re hurting. I know I can get delusionally insecure, but that is for me to work on.” Yuuri let out a slow breath. “And I know you wouldn’t want me to isolate myself for you.”
“Of course not. And you’re right, I thought if I just did what I thought you wanted, it would all turn out okay...but it really just hurt us both.”
Yuuri smiled reassuringly at him, pulling him close for a moment. He was so happy to be able to enjoy their closeness after months of feeling isolated despite it. “I also wanted to tell you that you don’t have to worry about making any more appointments for me or fretting over me. I talked with my therapist and we made a one year plan so that it’s not even hanging over my head. They’re already scheduled, and I will tell you myself if I need help. Or I’ll try. I know it won’t always work out super perfect like I’m saying now, but I want you to know I’m really trying. Not just for you, but for me too.”
Tears pooled in Victor’s eyes. “That makes me so happy to hear, you have no idea.”
“I think I do.” Yuuri gently brushed the tears away. “I want to be there for you just as much as you are for me. I’m far from perfect, you know? But I never want you to feel alone just to protect me. We’ll be there for each other, like equals.”
Finally, after all the chaos, confusion, and frustration, they both felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Yuuri knew better than to pretend like everything would be all roses from now on, but knowing that they were moving on past this nightmare was enough for now. He felt warmth surge through him, holding Victor’s face in his hands. After not allowing himself any solace, basking in Victor’s gaze was a welcome indulgence. As Victor held him close, he allowed hope to wash over him like a pleasant wave.
“Together?”
“Together.”