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It was one of their days off, which were very rare when in the middle of a war, and Allura announced that they should spend the time having fun and relaxing together as a team. So they all gathered in the common room and began their own activities. Hunk and Pidge were working on modifying some alien device, which is probably their version of fun. Keith was playing Killbot Phantasm I, trying to beat Lance’s score after some bantering over the game only a few minutes prior. Shiro was sitting next to him, watching in amusement. Coran and Allura turned on an Altean television show they had on disc, which Coran claimed was a classic. But the show was, of course, in Altean. So much for “together as a team,'' right?
Lance tried to watch Keith’s progress on the game, eager to get him even more riled up, but was having a hard time focusing that day. He sat at the corner of the couch and watched as everyone did their own thing, feeling lonely despite being in a room full of friends, of family. He hadn’t felt like this in a while, and it was really bothering him. It felt like an annoying itch he couldn’t reach, and the itch was happiness.
Years ago, back on Earth, Lance was diagnosed with depression and ADHD. It explained why Lance tended to be talkative and active, and why he sometimes felt sad or disappointed in himself, or in this case, lonely. It explained why, when it was quiet and things going on in the room escaped his focus, the intrusive thoughts came to him fast. It was why he had such a difficult time falling asleep at night, which led to having a hard time getting up in the morning.
Since Lance had been shot up into space and thrown into this alien war, he experienced so much excitement everyday and it kept his mind and body occupied. Now that they had a moment of peace, it all started to catch up to him.
“I’ve taken so many lives. They were Galra, but… they were people too.” He didn’t mean to say any of it out loud, but by the time he realized everyone was looking at him he couldn’t stop himself. “I’ve seen so many people die in this war because I wasn’t fast enough, wasn’t good enough. How can any of us - how can I sit around like this and relax while innocent people are dying at this very moment? They’re not the ones who deserve this. I am. Why can’t I just die instead of them?”
The words of that last part rang in everyone’s ears. Nobody spoke a word, waiting until they were sure he was done, until he had let it all out. Lance was the only one of them who hadn’t broken down crying and screaming in front of everyone yet, so they let him talk. He was always there for all of them when the emotional pain hurt too much, after all. It was inevitable that his happy facade would come down sooner or later. Now it was his turn to lean on them.
Lance just then realized he had tears streaming down his face. He wiped them away in an angry, rushed motion before letting out an unamused laugh and continuing. “So many children and families… so many good people are tortured, die, and get separated from the people they love. What if it’s my fault? Sometimes I know I could do better on missions but my ADHD makes it hard to focus. Sometimes I don’t sleep at night, my depression getting to be too much. I go through my skin care routine to get rid of the redness on my face from crying and the bags under my eyes… But I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t. ”
Lance’s voice broke with the last word, and he leaned forward, sobbing into his hands. Everyone came closer to him, a warm and familiar hand on his shoulder keeping him grounded. Shiro. He leaned in to hug Lance, a strong and loving embrace, and spoke softly. “Lance, you don’t have to hide behind a mask. You’re allowed to not be okay, especially when you’re dealing with so much as a paladin already. You’re strong enough, you’re skilled enough, but sometimes there has to be sacrifices made. But none of it is your fault.” Shiro pulled away and gave a tight, but reassuring smile.
Hunk then spoke up. “Lance, I’m so sorry. I already knew about your depression but didn’t think to even check up on you to make sure you were okay. Things got so busy and… I’m sorry, I really am.”
Lance shook his head. “No, Hunk. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who’s fucked up in the head in the first place-”
Coran cut him off. “Lance, no. You need to stop blaming yourself for these kinds of things. Like Shiro said, none of this is your fault.”
He could recall many times in the past when his team had called him names and commented on his intelligence. He knew they were only meant to be light-hearted jokes, that they had no idea how insecure he really was, but it still hurt. He knew he was the lesser paladin, and he knew that hey knew it too.
He growled in frustration and stood up abruptly. “You don’t need to lie to make me feel better. I know I’m not smart or skilled in anything like the rest of you. I’m just going to go train, we all know I need it more than anyone else here. Enjoy the rest of your day off.” Lance’s pace was quick as he made his way out of the room.”
There were glances passed around to one another, concerned about how they missed this, how none of them saw through Lance’s positive facade. To know their happy little goofball was struggling with this… it hurt. He deserved to be as cheerful as he led on to be.
“... What do we do?” Pidge asked, voice quiet and scared.
Hunk pulled her in for a side hug. “I don’t know, but I really hate seeing him like this. Guys, we need to do something.”
Shiro nodded. “He needs us to be here for him, just like how he’s always been there for us. Just because someone is happy on the outside doesn’t mean they are on the inside.” He looked down at his hands, clenching them. “I should’ve seen this before, I should’ve been there for him.”
Of course Shiro was taking the responsibility for this. As team leader, he felt it was his responsibility to look after everyone. But that didn’t mean he had to do it alone.
Shiro felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to meet Coran’s reassuring smile. “We’re all supposed to look out for one another. You don’t need to worry about these things all by yourself, Number One.” Shiro felt himself relax at the nickname.
Allura nodded in agreement. “We’ll all help Lance, together. He may get off track sometimes, but that doesn’t make him a bad paladin. We need to show him how vitally important he is to our team.”
“He does tell a lot of jokes, but they do keep the atmosphere more relaxed. I don’t know what I’d do without his positivity.” Keith admitted. “He’s good at helping plan missions, and really good with his bayard. He has important skills, I don’t understand why he can’t see it.”
Together, they would make sure to show Lance how much they cared for him, and how important he was in their team, that nobody could ever replace him.
However, unknown to the team, Lance had actually gone to Blue for comfort… who connected to the security camera in the common room during their conversation. Lance heard everything, and cried as Blue purred to him in support the whole time.
She would work hard to help him through all of this internal conflict he had going on. They would all need to confront these things later, together. But first, she would let him take a nap in her cockpit for a while.
For now, he could rest peacefully.