Archive of Our Own

Lunch always meant that they had an excuse to be together, even for just an hour. As if being best friends since they were 12 wasn’t already enough of an excuse, but still. Woojin's history teacher decided to hold back the class for a few more minutes to ramble further on about — heck, he couldn’t even remember what it was, now that he thinks about it while sprinting towards their usual spot.

He whizzes past a couple of students as he steps foot outside the cafeteria where a few rows of outdoor benches and tables were. He spots those fried blonde curls immediately on the far-most bench on the right and heads there. It’s like muscle memory already to him. For some reason, this spot has been theirs in their last three years in high school. Woojin sits directly across his friend who was still hunched over, headphones in his ears as he was reading a math book. His head was bobbing slightly, probably from the music he was listening to.

He still hasn’t noticed Woojin's arrival. He snaps his fingers in front of him to catch his attention. His friend suddenly looks up, startled eyes landing on his shit-eating grin.

“Took you long enough.” His friend raised a brow at him, taking off his headphones and resting them on his neck.

“Yeah yeah I know. Park extended his class.” Woojin rolled his eyes. Chan just chuckled softly, shaking his head at his friend.

“I was about to think that you ditched me for a date.” He begins rummaging for the paper bag in his backpack that held his lunch. Woojin followed suit. They munched through their individual sandwiches in comfortable silence, but Woojin couldn’t help but ask.

“Why would you think I would ditch you for a date? Who would I even be dating?” Woojin titled his head to the side at Chan. Chan gawks at him mid-bite and holds his sandwich with one hand now.

“Well for starters, you’d been talking about this guy from your class for weeks now. I think Minho was his name.” Woojin almost choked on his peach-flavored water.

“Minho? Why on earth would I date Minho?” He was really confused why Chan would even think that.

“Well, you’d often mention how he’s really good at dancing, his bizarre personality, how he volunteers at the animal shelter and not to mention his thighs—”

“Okay, stop.” Woojin was about to have a headache. Chan just smirked.

“I’d say that you’re probably whipped for this Minho, jinnie.” Woojin was having urges to rip that smirk off his best friend’s face, right about now. But he’s a good friend, so he doesn’t do that.

“First and foremost, I am not whipped for Minho. Second, can’t I be observant and tell you things about my friend, who you should meet by the way. Third, Minho and I are just friends.” Chan scoffed at this.

“Yeah, right. You and I have been friends for years but you don’t talk about me like that.” Chan raised a brow at him while taking a bite from his sandwich dramatically.

Woojin’s chest clenched, it hurt, but as fast as the pain came he willed it to go away just as quick. Because Chan was wrong. Maybe if he had other close friends, he could talk about his best friend the way he had become observant of his new-found friend Minho.

If only he had someone to listen to his rant about how Chan’s dimples were so deep that he barely even has to smile for it to appear. How his friend always complained about being too pale and never being able to get a tan whenever the two of them would go out swimming by the beach. How Chan would put on headphones and most of the time would forget to connect it to his phone because it’s already become a habit of his. How he would dye his hair a different color every month but didn’t give a fuck with the fact that it’s so dry and lifeless. He could go on and on.

Everything about his friend was endearing and unique to him that he could keep on talking for hours. But he didn’t have any other friend who he was as close to as he was with Chan. So all of this — he’d just have to keep it bottled up in the confines of his heart.

Woojin just shakes his head, taking a bite from his sandwich. “I don’t even like him that way, Chan. Minho is just a really good friend.”

Chan pouts then shrugs. “If you say so.” Chan begins reading his math book again while eating. Woojin can’t help but smile bitterly while looking at his friend. Chan was oblivious, yet he didn’t want to force anything out of his friend just because he had grown to love the person across him over the years. And as long as Chan didn’t show any telltale sign that he shares the same sentiment towards him, he’d never act on these blooming feelings. He’s willing enough to let it wither through time, if it means that he can still be friends with Chan.

“Mind if I try?”

His friend’s gentle voice cooed behind him.

Chan gripped the toy rifle in his hand tighter, like a child afraid that his toy would be ripped away from him any moment. He turns around to meet his angelic face, standing a few feet away from. He had always been the slightest bi taller than Chan since they were kids. Okay he was much taller than Chan but his pride refused to let him admit it. He gave him a glare, Chan was being petty, but whatever expression he had plastered on didn’t seem to intimidate Woojin in any way as he beamed instead.

“You’ve been there for quite a while Channie. Maybe you’d give me a go?” He cocks his head to the side, still beaming at Chan and man was it blinding. Chan pretended not to be flustered at all. It was then that he noticed how there was already quite a line queuing up behind him. Most of them were kids and some of their parents were already giving Chan dirty looks due to impatience. In defeat, Chan hands him the toy rifle, purposely avoiding the scrutinizing gazes of the people waiting in line behind his best friend.

Chan observed him. Somehow, he could make out how Woojin’s muscles flex, tense and relax through the leather jacket embroidered with flowers that he wore as he put himself in a stance aiming for the bottles meters away.

Consecutive shots of plastic pellets shoot out of the toy rifle and bottles topple over one after the other. Chan just stood there with his jaw slightly hanging open while the people in line erupted in applause behind him, clearly impressed by his skills unlike Chan who had been going at it for nearly fifteen minutes already.

The lady in-charge of the booth asked him to pick out a prize, to which he promptly chose the chicken leg plushie at the very top of the various choices. Chan turned to leave, his pride a bit hurt from the spectacle he just witnessed. He acknowledged how he sucked at games like this. He didn’t mean to be a sore loser or anything like that. It was him who dragged Woojin to the amusement park in the first place. Not even reaching ten meters away from the booth, he feels a slight tug on his arm.

“Hey. You left me back there.” He tries to hand Chan the plushie but he gently nudges it back to him.

“You won it. You take it.” Chan presses his thin lips together until they curved up into a smile. He meant it though.

“But it was your money, you should have it.” Woojin smiled lopsidedly, running a hand through his hair before he rested it on his nape. “I feel bad.”

“Don’t be. You can have it. I don’t mind, really,” Chan raised his hand in the air to signal a promise.

Woojin just pouts. “Oh, thanks then.” And then he beams. “Wait, we haven’t eaten yet. I can treat you. To make up for this,” Woojin raised the plushie. Chan was a big eater, so how can he say no to free food?

“Okay I guess. I suppose you don’t have any ill intentions right?” Chan teased.

“What? No. God, Chan I’m your best friend.” Woojin was flustered. “I know this place outside the park, not far from here. Unless you want to stroll around some more or do you want to get on one of the rides before we go?” Another smile, this time it was really warm. Chan just nodded in response.

He was awed by Woojin, no doubt. He always had been such a smooth talker. It’s like he already had everything figured out before Chan invited him here on the same day that their finals ended. Or perhaps he just knew his way around Chan because of years of friendship.

He couldn’t help it when a playful smile forms on his mouth because Woojin…Woojin was something else. He knows the right words to say and when to say them. He isn’t trying too hard to charm him, and if he was then it just comes off naturally. No wonder why he heard about a lot of guys and girls at school having a crush on him. He could only think of how many people Woojin had unknowingly smitten like this in the past because of his innate charm and stunning visuals. And Chan was part of that long line.

They walked outside of the amusement park as Woojin led the way to this nearby hole-in-the-wall ramyeon place that Chan hadn’t noticed before. As soon as they got in, sat down, and got their order taken, they were talking like friends that yearned for each other, except they are friends but they see each other on a daily basis.

Through the night, they ate their food and kept ordering some more just to prolong the conversation. Usually, Chan would often be anxious about holding long conversations. But Woojin calmed his nerves, they wouldn’t run out of topics, the conversation kept going and there was no awkwardness at all. It was so easy with Woojin. It was easy to…be.

Chan kept tabs at the little things that the other one does. How Woojin would lean his head to the side when he was listening intently or how he would habitually tap his fingers on the table.

“Hey Woojin, do you still play piano? I know you stopped a few years.” Chan asked, sipping some water from his glass.

“Yeah!” Woojin’s face lit up. “How’d you know?” Chan eyed Woojin’s hands.

“You’ve been tapping on the table for minutes. I can practically hear the Moonlight Sonata from it.”

There was something that sparked in Woojin’s eyes as soon as Chan said that. It wasn’t fire or a sudden flash of electricity. It was like a slow burning flame on a lamp, just enough to give warmth, to give light. Chan was drawn to that kind of flame. Maybe in some other life he’d let himself be engulfed by it. But he can’t, not when he knew well enough that Woojin didn’t see him as anything more than a friend.

Just a few hours of spending time together, they were already connecting on different aspects of their lives as if they had just met. What delighted Chan the most through the years was that they loved the same things almost as much as the other did, if not greater.

“I can walk you back to your apartment, Chan” Woojin said as he held onto the sleeve of Chan’s jacket.

“No need, Woojin. I can do that well on my own.” Chan patted his shoulder with reassurance. “You treating me to food and drinks is already too much. I’ll text you when I’m home.”

“I’ll call you. You better pick up. And ask Mrs. Bang when I can drop by to have some of her barbecue.” Woojin said with a smile.

“How many times does she have to tell you that you should just call her mom? But will do.” It took Chan all his will to not look back at Woojin as he walked in the opposite direction because he might not be able to conceal his silly grin fast enough if he did. The butterflies in his stomach were giddy and he was sure enough that he wouldn’t able to sleep. He’d let himself feel like this even for just a while, before he has to go back to the reality that they’d be nothing more than this.

Little did he know how Woojin felt the same, clutching the chicken leg plushie with fondness as he walked back to his own place.

“Wait, I thought you only played piano?” Chan asked aloud while he was busy retrieving something from the room inside the recording studio.

Woojin popped his head out from the door and stuck his tongue out to Chan, who was looking as cute as ever even if Woojin was trying to annoy him.

“Are we not friends or what? I thought you would recognize already from my hands.” Woojin walked back to the younger, guitar case slung on his back and over his shoulder.

“It’s not like I’ve ever held your hand,” Chan mumbled. He pretended not to hear though. But he was right. In their years of friendship where they found themselves in the same university for college, he has never held his hand, at all. He looks back at his friend who seemed to be staring off into space (actually just the soundproofed walls).

“Psst. You still with me?” Chan snaps out of his trance and nodded rather too eagerly as an answer to Woojin’s question. He sits on the other end of the couch.

“What song would you like me to play?” Woojin tilts his head with a glint in his eyes. Chan turns a bit pink and he turns to look at the lights on the ceiling overhead instead.

“Ed Sheeran would be nice.” Chan spoke to himself. Without even letting two heartbeats pass, Woojin strummed the guitar with chords that he’s always known by heart. Like sweet honey, Woojin’s voice followed.

I found a love, for me

Darling just dive right in

Follow my lead

‘Cause we were just kids when we fell in love

Not knowing what it was

I know we’ll be alright this time

Darling just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own

And in your eyes you’re holding mine

Baby I’m dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass

Listening to our favorite song

I have faith in what I see

And now I know I have met an angel in person

You look perfect, I don’t deserve this

You look perfect tonight

It wasn’t the first time he’s sang for Chan. They’ve been keeping each other friendly company through the years of their lives. But he wanted more than that. Maybe, just maybe, with this song, Chan would finally take a hint. The lyrics were fitting enough to the story of how their lives intertwined. But the one thing he wasn’t sure about is if Chan would ever love him back the way he did. They’ve been really close since they started going to university and maybe that had planted ideas in his head.

Even when he finished playing the song, he noticed how Chan wouldn’t look Woojin straight in the eye. He kept his eyes fixated on the floor this time, suppressing a shy grin. But Woojin didn’t see that, so he began to panic.

“You didn’t like it? I know I’m a bit rusty with the guitar nowadays but – “

“No no no no. I love you, I mean the guitar, I mean, I love you playing the guitar.” Chan uttered a quick mental curse at himself for stuttering. Woojin couldn’t help but laugh softly.

“That’s a relief then.” The older rubbed his nape to calm his nerves because when he saw Chan look down instead of at him playing the guitar, he started to think that he was doing something wrong or that he was doing the wrong thing. Worse is if Chan was taking the hint, but didn’t want to act on it because he didn’t feel the same way. Whenever their schedules would give them time to see each other, Woojin always wanted to impress him. But he made sure not to make it too obvious that he was already trying so hard.

“I wish I was as good as you though. I seem to suck at any instrument aside from the piano.” Chan spoke, averting his eyes from Woojin.

“I could teach you.” Woojin seemed to be flustered more than he should be. “I mean if you’re up for it but if you’re not then – “

“I’d love that jinnie” Chan cut him off with a sweet smile, cheeks blushed with a light crimson color.

-

“Bang Chan you’re a liar.” Woojin said as he shook his head side to side, setting down his guitar while Chan was finishing a riff.

“I am not.” Chan replied matter of factly.

“Yeah. Right.” Woojin scooted closer to Chan bringing his face too close to the other, and boy was Chan a blushing mess who held his breath. “Tell me that you’re not a liar right in my face Chan. You’re good at guitar and you know that.” Woojin said in a low whisper, a sly smirk playing along his lips. Chan couldn’t help but visibly and audibly gulp from their proximity, Woojin’s sweet piercing gaze was holding him down, not allowing him to make a move.

Internally, Woojin was also shocked at how he found the confident gay in him as of that moment. Woojin backed off and let out a light chuckle when he saw how taken aback Chan must’ve been since the younger only had his lips parted open, not knowing what to say.

Chan snapped out of it and tried to regain his composure, working out the words in his head to not stutter. “Okay so maybe I’ve had a few guitar lessons back in Australia.” He set down the guitar.

“Maybe more than a few lessons. You’re definitely not an amateur, Chan. And you didn’t mention anything about having a vacation there.” Woojin smiled at him and he checked the time on his phone. “It’s dinner time…”

“I know you’ve been wanting to go to that new chicken place by the university. Should we?” Chan cocked his head to the side. He was already the sun itself, but his face lit up even more after he said yes. It was moments like this when Woojin found him very charming and endearing. “Yeah, only if the first round of chicken is on you and you tell me all about Australia.”

Spending their time with each other was never out of the norm between the two. Then he remembers that Chan had already said ‘I love you’ to him twice in just one sentence earlier, but quite on accident. The blooming feeling inside of him sinks back to the acid in his stomach, dissolving in his gut as he thinks that Chan did say those three words to him, but in a friendly manner.

From the get go he had always refused to read too much into what his friend was saying. How long can he even put up with this? With always being in the middle of wanting more with someone who’s fine with where they are now?

They were inseparable. Perhaps some friends are just meant to have that kind of dynamic. They ended up going to the same university when they graduated high school. They even dormed together. Being the mom friends that they were, they ended up taking care of each other in the stressful life that comes with college. They’d wake each other up in the mornings, memorizing each other’s schedules that were posted by their bathroom door.

They had each other on speed-dial just in case one of them was too hammered to get home from a party. Despite how annoyed they’d be of each other sometimes since they spent every waking day with the other, they won’t have it any other way. So Woojin’s sudden announcement of wanting to change dorms during a weekend in their second year in college was like a truck blaring headlights at him. It snapped him back to reality after being so immersed in mixing his next project.

“Hey, Chan. Did you hear me?” He removes his eyes from his laptop and looks at his friend.

“Yeah”, was his short answer. Woojin sighed.

“Oh. Good. You kinda spaced out there.” Woojin rubbed his nape. Chan set down the laptop on the small coffee table and turns to properly face his friend who was sitting on the other end of the couch while he was situated on the other end himself.

“Why would you want to change dorms though?” Woojin just looked at him with an unreadable expression.

“Obviously you weren’t listening to me.” His friend just shook his head and Chan turned a bit pink from embarrassment. “I said that maybe it’d be a good thing you know.” Did Woojin seem nervous? Chan shrugs off the thought before he overthinks it, not wanting to read into his friend’s words and actions more than he should be.

“We’re practically attached to the hip since what, elementary school?” Woojin continues and Chan smiled a bit from the memory, if there even was one. It wasn’t like there was a significant day they just announced that they’d be best friends for life. Their friendship came so natural during lunch when Chan sat all alone in the room because he was the new kid. Woojin stayed with him and struck up a conversation. Eight years later and now they’re here.

“I’ve been thinking that maybe it’d be good for the both of us to know other people beyond this two-man circle.” Woojin gestured to the both of them, pointing back and forth between them two. Both of them chuckled, making Woojin seem less nervous than before.

“It’s not like we’re going to stop being friends once we don’t room together anymore.” He had a point.

They’ve practically closed off any potential people who’d like to get to know them because they seemed to be “together”. Especially when they’re often seen going in and out of campus together, even spending free periods with each other on some part of campus.

Chan was actually pretty good with socializing with other people. Woojin was too. They both had friends in their respective classes that they didn’t share together. But none of them stuck around too long and gradually faded into those friends you can talk to only with specific things that interest you both.

Yet Chan felt mildly contented with giving the impression to other people that he and his bestfriend were some kind of thing, not wanting to pop the bubble they’ve had for years. But Chan would never admit that out loud.

“It doesn’t sound too bad, the dorm would just assign a person on the waitlist to room with me.” Chan says, expression filled with thought. He misses that split-second of disappointment on Woojin’s face that was replaced by a small smile. “You just made it easier for me to finally kick you out of here. I was already practicing a speech on how to break the news to you, jinnie.” Chan grinned and Woojin threw a couch pillow at him which he easily caught.

“Ya! I’m actually a pretty good roommate you ungrateful brat.” Woojin pouted and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“My cooking tastes better than yours though.” Chan retorted, sticking out his tongue after.

“This is what I get for saving your ass from being late to your classes then? I should’ve moved out sooner.” There was a moment of silence before they burst out into laughter.

In the silence that follows, Chan realizes that he’d miss this. These playful banters and the laid-back atmosphere with his best friend around. He’ll miss Woojin. A lot. But who was he to prevent him from knowing more people? From possibly finding someone who could really make him happy? Not that he was thinking Woojin was unhappy with him, but they’re just…friends. Chan firmly believes he’d never be that someone that Woojin would like. Woojin would already have told him if he did like him that way anyway – that’s what he made himself believe.

“You already have a dorm in mind?” Chan broke the silence first.

“Yeah. Changbin said they have a vacancy in their apartment. I’d probably move their next month.” Woojin said with elbows on the head rest, head leaning onto his fist. Chan just hummed in response.

“That’s like, two weeks isn’t it? Want me to help you pack?” Chan offered. “You just pulled the words right out of my mouth Bang Chan.”

Woojin looked around their school’s mini forest. It was filled with students perched on the benches. Finding his friend would be difficult. He walked around a bit, keeping an eye out. He was midway through the grove when he finally spotted him in the far left side. He walked over and casually hung an arm around him.

“Hi hyung. Thank you for meeting me today.” Seungmin greeted him with a bright smile.

“Anything for my favourite freshman.” He ruffled his hair and the younger swatted his hands.

“This hair doesn’t style itself stop ruining it hyung.” Seungmin whined.

“Okay, okay.” Woojin raises his hand. “You said you needed help in history, right?”

Seungmin groaned. “Yes. I really do. I’m a music major and I don’t know why I’m taking it either but I don’t want to drop it either now that it’s the middle of the semester.”

“Well, you’re in luck because I took that too last year.”

“I know, you’re heaven sent hyung.” Seungmin starts acting cute and giving him heart eyes which he playfully dismissed.

“Ew stop looking at me like a lovestruck puppy. Go give those looks to your boyfriend.”

“At least Hyunjin doesn’t get annoyed like you.” Seungmin sticks his tongue at him and Woojin chuckles. Unannounced, they start going through Seungmin’s notes and books. Woojin helps him understand some of the lessons, also giving him a few techniques to memorize the timelines he was learning. Midterms were just around the corner, no wonder why his friend was really stressed. Seungmin really works hard on his grades. Somewhere along the way Seungmin has his nose buried in a book, ignoring Woojin. He didn’t mind the silence that came along with it either.

The first few months when he moved out, he and Chan would still see each other on campus almost every time that they could, even after all the classes they shared. The texts were frequent then, as they found it ridiculous to call each other when they lived within the same campus, just different dorms. By second year, they no longer shared the same classes, but they still contacted each other for lunch or simply hanging out on their spare time. But things changed on the second semester of second year.

Chan met someone.

Woojin should have expected it. He didn’t really think that it was going to take his best friend this long, but it still hurt as bad as he thought it would be. His name was Felix, if he remembered it right. He came from Australia, the same country where Chan was born. As far as Woojin knows, they hit it off right at the bat. Chan would talk about him in texts with all of these heart-eyed emojis. There was a bit of jealousy coming from Woojin, hoping that Chan would talk about him like that too, not Felix. But all his hopes were thrown right out the window, especially on that one night Chan told him “I think I’m in love with my friend” through a phone call. He was too shocked to even answer.

No matter how many times he readied himself for a scenario like that, nothing could have prepared him enough to hear that from Chan. To hear that he finally loved someone else. To have to come to terms with the fact that Chan could never love him the way he loved Chan. And with that, Woojin just hung up, excusing the interrupted phone call with not having any signal at the out-of-town workshop that he was attending that time.

He was supportive of whatever Chan and Felix was. But whenever he’d see them down the corridor, walking side by side a little too close for Woojin’s liking, he’d pretend that he didn’t see them at all and turned to the next nearest hallway. He was already hurting. He wouldn’t bring on more pain to himself voluntarily. When they do cross paths on campus, he puts on his best smile and greets Chan as enthusiastically as he could, even more so when he was with Felix.

Something died in Woojin a little bit (or a lot) when his best friend finally found someone to make him happy. Perhaps it was showing or maybe not. How he’s getting constant updates about the couple from Changbin himself, since he took up the same course as Chan, wasn’t helping either. He was happy for Chan, truly and sincerely. But he can’t help but be bitter at himself because he still hopes that it was him that made Chan smile the way he does around Felix.

Sometimes he tries to remember the time, that exact moment he lost his chance with Chan. But he couldn’t. Did it happen so fast right before his eyes that he couldn’t even pinpoint an exact scenario where the possibility to be with him was barred? Or did it happen behind closed doors?

Sometimes he blames himself too. Maybe he should’ve tried harder to be what Chan wanted. Maybe he should’ve just braved up and told Chan his real feelings. But he was a coward. He was too afraid to risk their friendship. He let the negative “what ifs” get the best of him instead.

But what if he was the one in Chan’s arms right now? What if they were together now as a couple? What if he showed him that he wasn’t content with being “just best friends”? What if Chan felt the same way about him all this time? These kind of “what ifs”, the wishful ones, were what he forgot to think about.

He just didn’t want Chan to fall in love with him just because he was. Chan may have never been in a relationship before, but he knows his best friend enough to know that he would possibly do that. But he also knows that Chan would let down any person he wasn’t interested in. Sometimes Woojin would tell himself that was the reason why Chan had kept him around all this time – because he was interested in him, even in just a friendly way.

Nevertheless, Woojin already deems it too late for them. For Chan and him. Being good friends is what’s left for them to be. He’d try his best to keep it that way. Since then, the frequent texts turned into monthly calls or the occasional hi and hello and what’s up in the corridor.

Chan would still ask him to hang out often, whether it be after classes or at some party. Sometimes Woojin would go with him, sometimes he’d make up excuses because he was on one of those days that he missed Chan badly and as much as he wanted to see him, he kept reminding himself that Chan’s heart already belonged to someone else.

“Earth to Woojin, you okay?” Seungmin was waving a hand in front of his face.

“Yeah. Why?”

“You had this…”, Seungmin made a brooding expression that looked cuter than intended, “kind of look on your face. It was like you were trying to burn a hole through the table.”

“Don’t mind me, I was just thinking of something.” Woojin tried to wave off Seungmin’s concern.

“But your eyes though, they looked kind of sad.”

“I am not. It’s just how I look when I’m thinking.”

“Is that what old age does to you? I don’t wanna look grouchy like you hyung.” Seungmin held his chin with his index and thumb. Woojin picked up his book and raised it at him. Seungmin instinctively raised his arms to cover himself.

“Don’t hit this cute face!”

Woojin chuckled and set the book down. “You’re lucky you’re cute. And that I don’t want to answer to your dramatic boyfriend if I do hit you.”

“Awww. I know that you love me.” Seungmin grinned. Woojin checked his watch and saw that he only had 15 minutes left before his next class. He looked at the freshman while pointing to his watch.

“Gotta go now. Good luck on your history exam.” Woojin stood from his seat, picking up his bag with him.

“Big thanks for helping me out hyung!” Seungmin called out to him.

“Don’t worry about it kid!” Woojin shouted back.

In times of stress, he had Woojin. In times of happiness, he had Woojin. In times of sadness, he had Woojin. In any kind of mood that he was in, he had his one, very trusted friend. Woojin. But why is he thinking about it in past tense? He still has Woojin as his friend. Yet Chan is feeling uncertain as his finger hovers over the call button.

“Hey hyung.” Chan almost drops his phone as Felix’s deep voice startles him out of his thoughts. “Woah why are you so tense?”

“I-I” shit why am I stuttering. “Nothing. I was about to call Woojin.”

Felix walks to their room’s kitchen to get a glass of water and returns to the mini living room with it, plopping down on the couch. Chan was still standing by the bathroom door. It’s been a year since Felix became his roommate, becoming the first person to ever room with him since Woojin changed dorms. He still wasn’t used to how the freshman entered their room with cat-like stealth. Never really making sounds with his footsteps at all.

“I thought you already asked him if he was going to the party this weekend.”

“I forgot to call him.” More like he couldn’t bring himself to. He and Woojin weren’t exactly communicating consistently in the last two years. As natural as it was for them to be so close during elementary and high school, the way they drifted also came as naturally as well.

He shouldn’t be hesitating like this, but he can’t help it. Not when he thinks that Woojin is avoiding him, even though he might not be and it’s just Chan overthinking again. Finals were done weeks ago and they were about to graduate soon with the final roster of graduates being posted last week. That’s why there was a party in one of the biggest clubs near their university. It may be a party for the graduating seniors, but almost all the students who wanted to go can go.

Felix just looks at him with an unreadable expression, almost like he could hear the whirring of Chan’s thoughts. He looks back at his phone before looking back at his roommate. “You know what, he’s probably going anyway. I’m sure all the seniors would.” The freshman just rolls his eyes. “Whatever suits you hyung.” He gets up from the couch and starts walking out of the room. Chan just wonders what Felix said was supposed to mean.

Chan never quite liked parties even before. Most of the time he was there for the alcohol, especially since he was a heavyweight. But if it was held at a club – the dancing, the strobe lights, the deafening music, the grinding, the amount of sweaty people packed together was a bit unsettling to him, if he was being honest. How some people loved the night life, he’d never understand. He’d rather stay up til morning working on something or maybe binge on some anime or drama series than go out clubbing.

Felix and him went to the club together that night. The freshman wearing a loose white button-up that was tucked into a pair of tight denim jeans, matching it with his white Converse sneakers – simple and not attracting too much attention, since he knew this party was meant for the seniors and he was just a guest of some sort. Chan, on the other hand, after Felix’s constant nagging on his previous outfit choice which was just a black shirt with black jeans and black sneakers, was probably the most ogled person right now in the club.

His pinstripe black and green silk shirt, three buttons undone, was tucked into tight-fitting black leather pants with combat boots to match. Much to his own chagrin, Felix somehow convinced him to put on gray contact lenses and let him smudge black eyeliner on his waterline, applying the tiniest bit of gloss on his lips as well. He straightened his blonde hair and parted it to the side, exposing his forehead. He knew that his friend did a good job in making him look good because Chan could literally feel the stares of the people around him, gazes seemingly undressing him. But still, he carried himself with ease and charisma like he didn’t give a fuck.

Internally he just wanted to get out of there even though they just arrived. Felix must’ve sensed his discomfort, placing a small hand on his back of which he was thankful for. It was only a quarter past 11 and the party wasn’t in full swing yet, but there were already a lot of people. The club may be big but it was packed.

They find unoccupied stools with a table near the dance floor and sit down. Chan let out a deep sigh he didn’t know he was holding in. The music was loud, the bass thrumming in his chest. Felix had to lean in a bit so that he could say something to Chan.

“Man, they’re looking at you like you’re some kind of snack.” Felix half shouts half whispers to his ear.

“You know that this is mainly your fault, Felix.” He answered back.

“I’m not the one looking like a god here.” Felix eyes him top to bottom, causing Chan to roll his eyes. A waitress comes by and silently places two filled cups of vodka, to which they nod in thanks. Chan raises his glass and so does Felix so that they can clink it together. They down the shot and Chan sees the freshman grimace at the taste, Felix’s eyes widening from what could be the burn that just went down his throat.

“You didn’t even flinch, Chan.”

“Because you’re not supposed to. Vodka’s not that bad.”

“Whatever. I’m settling for punch or beer.”

“Lightweight!” Chan calls after Felix as the younger walked off to the bar, which leaves him alone there, sitting. More students enter the club in a continuous flow, the DJ playing more dance anthems with numerous beat drops to hype up the crowd and get them coming onto the dance floor. He glances at where Felix would be and finds him talking to Changbin. If Changbin was here, then Woojin probably already is too. But there’s no sign of him yet.

Chan waves to a waiter, ordering two more shots for himself. He looks around him, eyes meeting with some of the hungry stares from fellow seniors he’d never talked to before. It was hard to make out the faces of the people since the lights flickered and changed into different colors along with the beat. His back was starting to fairly dampen with sweat even with the air conditioning on. There was just too many people dancing and getting drunk at once that the atmosphere was getting heated.

The waiter comes back and sets down his drinks on the table, one of which he throws back down his throat with one swift motion. He could already feel the slight burn in his chest, body warming up even more.

“You shouldn’t be drinking alone, Chan.” He feels a hand on his shoulder, warm breath on his neck as the voice spoke to his ear. He doesn’t even have to turn back to recognize who that voice belongs to.

Woojin rounds up from behind him and sits on the unoccupied stool beside Chan. “Wow, jinnie. You look… good.” That was an understatement in its own league. He looked insanely stunning. The two of them sitting together just gave the people who still haven’t gone to the dance floor something to really look at.

Woojin was dressed in a black jacket with floral embroidery and a plain white shirt underneath. He also wore faded jeans that looked two sizes smaller for him and a pair of black Converse shoes. Chan wasn’t sure if his eyes were playing tricks on him or not, but it seemed that he also had a bit of glittery eye shadow on his lids with the way that specks of gold and silver bounced off of his eyes.

To Chan, at least in that night or any other night when he’d wake up in ungodly hours and see his best friend sleep with disheveled hair when they were still roommates, Woojin was the most beautiful he’d ever seen. Who was he kidding, he’s been thinking that since his best friend defended him from bullies who kept calling him slurs for being bisexual back in high school. Woojin didn’t even have to try to be attractive.

“Like what you see?” Woojin interrupts his thoughts with his brows raised.

“I, yes, I mean no but yes – I… you look good.” Woojin just chuckles.

“I heard you the first time, Chan. How many drinks have you had already?” Woojin signals a waitress to get him a shot while eyeing the other glass Chan hasn’t drank from yet.

“Just two.” Chan replied, eyes trained on the disco ball overhead that keeps spinning, reflecting light in different colors. Maybe he should stop staring at it because he could also feel his vision spin. A waitress sets down a glass of vodka on the table. Chan looks at Woojin now, who had the new drink and Chan’s drink in both hands.

“Hey! That’s mine.” But Woojin just downs one shot after another, setting down the two glasses on the table with a clink.

“We’re even now.” He tilts his head to the side, smiling at Chan. Was Woojin going to be the death of him? Most likely. “Is Felix here with you?”

“Oh, yeah. He just went to talk over there with Changbin.” Chan gestures to where the two were and Woojin looks toward that direction too. But both of them were already gone.

“Shame that he left you here alone, Channie. If I were him, I’d never leave your side.” Woojin mumbled beside his ear, the music being too loud for them to converse without being intimate.

“You’re the one who chose to transfer dorms here jinnie. You left me first.” Chan whispered back and leaned away from him. Woojin was staring at him, and if Chan guessed correctly, there was a hint of sadness in his eyes. He stared back with equal intensity, the silence between them was deafening despite the reverberating bass of the EDM song that was being played. They stayed like that for a few more heartbeats until Woojin’s name was being screeched by a person on top of all the noise.

“Woojin-hyung!!” Woojin whips back his head toward the source of the voice, but soon enough a beautiful man bounces onto his best friend’s lap, having a good seat on Woojin’s thighs. Chan doesn’t recognize him at first until he realized who the beautiful man was especially with that pointed nose and feline eyes.

“Hey Minho! Took you long enough to turn up.” Woojin raised his voice over the music as he spoke with an easy smile at the dancer and Minho replied in the same fashion, so Chan still managed to hear the both of them.

“I’ve been here for a while now. Took me a while to find you.” Minho replied, leaning in a bit into Woojin. Woojin places his hand onto Minho’s thigh as he whispers something into Minho’s ear and the dancer giggles as he hits Woojin playfully on the chest. It was a rather friendly gesture, but the pang of jealousy that surges within Chan was unstoppable. It crawls beneath his skin and he feels stupid for feeling that way, but he can’t help it. Minho finally acknowledges him.

“Hey, Chan-hyung, mind if I borrowed your Woojin over here?” Chan just ignored how Minho referred to Woojin as his. He just shakes his head in response, to which the dancer beams. “Great! Let’s dance hyung! See you in a bit Chan-hyung!” At least Minho waved goodbye. Woojin didn’t even glance back at him as he let himself be dragged by the dancer into the throng of people on the dance floor. Chan decides that he could use a few more shots.

“Minho what on earth are you up to-“

“Shh! Shut up and just dance.”

“But-“

“Just go with it.”

He wasn’t a bad dancer, no not at all. But he wasn’t anywhere near his friend’s calibre with the way that his lithe body moves so fluidly with the music, grinding against everyone except him. Minho was showing off his moves, so might as well he went along with it.

As the music transitions into a more party anthem, they find themselves screaming verses on the top of their lungs before the beat drops again and the entire dance floor is jumping to it. In that brief high, Minho pulls him closer, grabbing onto his jacket to make him lean down and stare directly into his dark eyes. Woojin just places both of his hands on both sides of Minho’s waist to keep him from pulling him in further. He knows well enough since high school that Minho was such a big flirt and that it was annoying to the dancer how his charms never really worked on Woojin. It was almost like a funny inside game between them and that’s why they’ve kept being friends. But what he’s doing right now was a little bit suspicious to Woojin.

“Okay Lee what on earth are you doing right now?” They sway to the music and Minho’s attempt at feigning innocence quickly deserves into an evil smirk. He just tugs Woojin closer, even though he doesn’t reject intimacy, this was increasingly suspicious even for someone like Minho.

“Figured I should tease Channie-hyung back there.” Tease Chan? Minho was barely there to pressing his body against Woojin but he’s teasing Chan? That doesn’t add up. Minho probably noticed how Woojin’s brows knit together in confusion as he scoffs. “Oh my god Woojin I’m making him a bit jealous, see what he’s missing right now.”

“He’s missing out on you?”

“Are you a fucking idiot?” Minho halts his swaying, consequently making Woojin do the same as he still had his hold on him by his jacket. “Good god Woojin. Okay, don’t make it too obvious, but try looking at him back there.” Thankfully, they weren’t so deep into the crowd and they were just by the edge that he could actually see Chan, still in the same table, vice versa.

He had a drink in hand, staring dead center at Woojin and Minho while taking a sip. Woojin just looks back at Minho, brows still knitted in confusions. He just sighs back dramatically while rolling his eyes so hard. “Has the alcohol messed with your head or something? Chan. Is. Jealous. Right now. Because I’m dancing all over you when he could be the one doing this. You dum-dum.” Minho half-shouts into his ear.

But it still doesn’t make sense to Woojin. Why would Chan be jealous? Why would he even want to dance with him like this? He had Felix. Right?

“Oh god you both are the hugest idiots I’ve ever met in my life. You know what, I’ve had enough drinks to do this so I can knock some sense into the both of you.”

“Wait wha-“ His questions is cut off with a kiss like a cliché. Minho purposefully misses his lips, landing on the corner of it instead. But the lights in the bar and the complimenting dimness of the place was the perfect setting to make it seem that they were in liplock, especially at Chan’s angle.

“You can thank me next time, hyung. Now go get him before he drinks himself to alcohol poisoning or worse, he leaves.” Woojin was still dumbstruck by Minho. His friend pushes him back and extends an arm pointing to Chan’s direction while still smirking at him. He just nods at his friend once before he finds himself pushing against the people who were busy jumping or flailing their limbs around to make his way to Chan.

They kissed. Woojin and Minho actually kissed.

If he only knew that he’d bear witness to that, then coming to this party was a bad idea, very. He can’t even describe the pain he felt when his heart twisted inside his chest. He can feel the tingling, painful, sensation go up and down and about the nerves all over his body. He felt dizzy like he popped a vein or something which is not exactly such a farfetched scenario to him now than it had been at the first minute he looked at Minho and Woojin dancing together. Is Chan’s thoughts making sense right now? Not really. One, maybe because he downed four more shots of vodka too fast and two, Woojin and Minho kissed for crying out loud. That’s what his alcohol-addled brain could only focus on right now. Was this the universe’s way of telling him he’s too late to be anything more with Woojin, as if he didn’t already know that from the start? The universe is cruel then.

Out. That’s where he wanted to be and fast. Chan throws back the last shot of vodka down his throat, not even feeling the burn this time. Good thing he’s already paid for all of his drinks (including the two that Woojin drank) so that his conscience doesn’t nag at him the next morning.

He stands up too quickly, splotches of colors cascading his vision as they blurred into one another, and he grips on tightly to the edge of the table to keep himself from having a grand meeting with the floor. He’s clearly inebriated to hold his own balance, but he somehow manages to soldier on, albeit with a broken heart too.

Chan turns around to where he knows the exit would be, but he feels all the spirits he drank rise up quickly from his gut to his throat. He holds it there, panicking immediately to find the closest exit or restroom as he clamps a hand over his mouth. He stays there for a few seconds, trying to regain his bearings because the last thing he wants is to either puke on the floor, land on the floor because of a misstep, or do both at the same time.

He feels someone latch onto his arm but everything is just a blur of color and sound and it was just too much. He can’t feel his own limbs for sure, but he knew that they were moving as he’s half-dragged by whoever this is through a door.

The room is so white from tile to ceiling and another door is opened and the next thing Chan knew, he was gripping the toilet bowl on both sides, draining his stomach of all the vodka that hasn’t wove its way into his system into it. He can feel someone rubbing his back and patting it as he heaves a few more times into the toilet bowl.

When he’s finally done, Chan registers the grip on his hair which probably kept him from completely sinking his head into the toilet bowl. The lights are too bright for him so he just closes his eyes, trying to calm his breathing. His heart hammered in his chest and he felt too hot (literally). He goes a bit limp in the grip of whoever saved him back there and he feels himself being rested on a wall, nimble fingers brushing the bangs out of his eyes and patting down the sweat pooling on his temples and upper lip.

He was still conscious enough but his head was just swirling or maybe the rest of the world was but the latter would be impossible as of the moment. Chan brings a hand to his hair, yanking on a few strands to maybe snap himself out of inebriation which just proved to be a futile attempt when a pounding headache causes him to see black spots even with his eyes closed.

“Hey, hey Channie…” He knows that he knows that voice but he can’t quite put his finger on it yet. The voice just seemed like a hallucination to him. “Hey, Channie. You ok yet? We should get you out of here.” oh wait the voice is real. He tries his best to open his eyes and he squints a few times against the blaring lights before he finally recognizes the face looming over him. “Hey jinnie.” He’s in a drunk bliss that he doesn’t even notice the way he slurred his own greeting to his friend.

“You feeling better now? Or you gotta puke some more?”

Chan just grunts non-commitedly, which Woojin couldn’t distinguish as a yes or a no or a bit of both. “M’good. good. Just wanna…sleep.” He then slumps back to the wall but Woojin doesn’t let him, holding him against his chest. He smelled like vanilla, alcohol, and the club. “No, no, no don’t sleep here. Come on Channie you need to be on your feet ok. I’ll try to find Felix so he can take you back with him.” Something about those words stirred something in Chan, so he aimlessly reaches out grabbing onto Woojin with eyes half open at what seemed to be the hem of his shirt.

“Don’t call Felix…he’s with binnie…want you…stay.”

Woojin’s not so sure if Chan is possibly alluding to Felix cheating on Chan with Changbin or if he’s being literal while in this cute state of a drunken mess. He has no time to wallow in thought about that, for now. Not when a drunk and irresistibly adorable Chan was telling him that he wanted him to stay.

So that’s what he does. He wets a few more paper towels from the sink and grabs the bottle of sanitizer as well. He dabs the damp paper towel around Chan’s mouth, wiping it clean from any invisible remnants of the alcohol he just threw up. Woojin also proceeds to pour the sanitizer and spreads it on each of Chan’s hands, then as well as his own. He’s taken care of Chan in situations like this for a lot of times in their first year in college that he just works with ease.

He needs to get him rehydrated first, but that can wait until he gets Chan back to his apartment. Chan is about to fall asleep and he can’t have that yet or else it would be really difficult to get him into taxi (plus it would really look bad if he hauls an unconscious Chan to a private apartment complex).

“Hey Channie, wake up for me please.” “I’m…awake.” Chan flops a hand into the air for affirmation before it lands back with a slap on his thigh. Woojin chuckled softly.

“Can you stand for me?” “need your…help” Chan starts making grabby hands at him that he couldn’t help but coo. He manoeuvres Chan’s arm around his shoulders as he holds onto Chan's waist. He positions Chan’s legs in front of him so that it would be easier for him to regain footing once he stands.

“Okay on three we’re gonna get up ok? One, two, three.” Woojin lifts the both of them up with a groan, Chan being heavy and letting him do most of the work. But at least he was able to make his legs work and keep up with the slow pace at which Woojin was walking them out of the club. He even hears Minho shout something like “take care of him hyung!” over his shoulder as they walk past people.

He hails down a taxi and had to wrestle Chan out of it when they finally arrived at his apartment since the younger wanted to crash in the taxi itself. Good thing the driver just found the entire ordeal amusing and Woojin just apologized with a smile (along with a hefty tip of course). At least Chan didn’t puke in the back seat.

This is actually the first time Chan has ever been to his apartment. And it just had to be in a situation like this. Supreme. He hauls the both of them up the stairs, to the second floor, and into his room in no time (of course tripping on a few steps here and there but no big deal).

He places Chan on a sofa and gets him a glass of water from the kitchen. Chan has recovered from his mostly drunken state as Woojin comes back to him while he’s hunched over, head in his hands.

“Drink up, Channie. Get yourself rehydrated.” Chan looks up at him and attempts to smile, to Woojin it just looks like an attempt…at something. He takes the glass from Woojin’s hand and drinks it all in one go. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and Woojin takes the glass from him, refilling it again. He hands Chan the glass of water and sits down beside him. Chan drinks the water slowly and Woojin trains his eyes on anywhere aside from the way Chan’s adam’s apple was bobbing up and down.

For some reason, Woojin just felt so awake. His senses were alert and he didn’t feel tired enough to fall asleep. Whether this was the doing of Chan’s presence, he wasn’t sure either.

“I guess I was right since high school, huh? You and Minho?” Chan spoke up. Really? After everything? That’s the first thing he remembered? But still, Woojin felt very compelled to explain the whole situation before it became a misunderstanding.

“Look, Chan, I can explain.” But he’s cut off when Chan just laughs quietly, yet his smile in the end didn’t really reach his eyes. “You don’t need to explain anything jinnie. Your relationship with Minho is none of my business really. Hot kiss you guys both shared.” He saw. Now he knows he’s royally fucked up.

“That’s the point Chan. I’m in no relationship at all with Minho. Well, I mean we’re friends, but nothing past that.” Chan snorts. “Woojin that’s what you told me when we were in high school. You’re not getting away with another white lie.”

“Chan listen to me. I’m in no way involved romantically or anything past friendly with Minho. Plus he has a boyfriend –“ “You should’ve said that sooner” Chan interjected. “I know but let me finish.” Woojin takes a deep breath.

No one told him he’d have to make such an untimely confession. But on the brighter note, he’s been dragging this on for what, six years already? He’s graduating. Chan’s graduating. They’re most likely to go their separate ways afterwards. What more does he have to lose? “Minho pulled me into that dance floor and kissed me, which wasn't even on the lips as a matter of fact... to make you jealous.” Silence for a few heartbeats.

“What?” It was kind of scary to see Chan’s face become so expressionless. “I don’t understand. Why would he do that?”

It’s either now or another six years. “He said that he did that to make you realize what you’re, uh, missing on.” Woojin gestures to himself. “In which you’re not really missing out on anything because who am I anyway I’m just your boring old friend and Minho thinks you’re into me as much as I’m into you which is actually pretty impossible if you asked me –“

“What? Say that last part again.” Woojin just gulps. He practically word vomited straight away. Pretty smooth. Great.

“That, uh, I’m just your boring old friend?”

“After that.” Chan urged. The drunken spirits have obviously left his body now.

“Minho thinks that you’re into me…as much as I’m into you.” Please don’t let this be the end of our friendship please don’t let this be the end of our friendship please don’t let this be the end of our friendship

Woojin doesn’t know what he fears more: Chan’s expressionless face from a few minutes ago or the silly grin that he has right now. “How long, Woojin?”

“How long…what?” “How long have you been into me?”

Woojin stutters after this. Who wouldn’t when the person you’ve been pining over for years finally asks you the question that’s make you admit how you’ve been helplessly pining over them for years? “F-for, um,” he pauses before his voice completely cracks, “six…years.” Silence. Just.. silence. And then it isn’t.

“We’re both fucking idiots aren’t we?” Chan just slumps back on the couch, nursing the prevailing ache in his head with a hand. “That’s what Minho said to me earlier.” “He’s fucking right. We’ve always been into each other weren’t we?” Wait. Hold on.

“Chan…are you possibly implying that…” with a lopsided smile and the utmost sincerity in his eyes, Chan nods.

“Yes, Woojin. I’ve been into you for the same time you were into me. Six whole years.” Yet it doesn’t add up just yet.

“But wait, what about Felix? Aren’t you guys together?” Chan just looks dumbfounded.

“What? Felix is dating Changbin, Woojin.” Now he’s just confused.

“But a year ago… you said on the phone that you were in love with your friend…”

“Wait. And you thought I meant Felix? Is that why you hung up on me that night? Is that why you’ve been avoiding me for this long? And don’t even lie about it, I know you’re avoiding me. You never refuse to an ice cream night. Not once. Never. So it was really suspicious.”

“Really dude you just puked all the alcohol out and you’re a fully functioning ranting Chan already.”

“That’s beside the point, Woojin. Just…answer the question. Did you really avoid me because you thought Felix and I were a thing?” God Woojin felt so embarrassed. “Yes…” He replied meekly. He looks back at Chan just to see him shaking his head lightly with a grin. “Who was the friend you were in love with anyway?” He knows the answer already. But he needs to hear it.

Chan’s expression morphs into soft fondness. “You. I was, and am, in love with you.”

A blush creeps onto his cheeks as he looks on at his best friend. If he only knew confessing would be this easy, especially since Chan felt the same way all along, he would’ve done this years ago. But through their own paces, he’s learned what it’s like to grow with and without Chan. To be his own person, to cage his feelings, to guard his emotions – and now, he’s on this new quest of letting all this love pour from his heart. To finally feel free. Woojin glances at his watch and back to Chan.

“It’s only 2 AM. If you wanna talk about our mutual stupidity, we can. But you just got hammered so maybe you should sleep first though.” Chan goes into a thinking stance with a pout as an add-on. God, Woojin was so in love with him. For real.

“Both offers seem nice. But I’ll take on the second one. Only if…” Chan scoots closer to him, looking like a kid bouncing on the sofa. “If what?” Woojin asks, smiling foolishly back at Chan. “If I get bear hugs in bed.”

“I want to sleep too so, why not?” He laces his hand with Chan’s and leads him back to his bedroom.

This is good enough of a start. They may have been six years delayed, but not six years too late.